The job interview was really over when I complimented her speech impediment as a "sexy little accent."
The job interview was really over when I complimented her speech impediment as a "sexy little accent."
When I mocked the name of Jean-Paul Sartre's daughter in a school presentation, my teacher replied, "Actually, Arlette is my middle name."
Twelve years later and I still think someone from the prison is calling to tell me he has died.
As he walked by, I wondered if the bald headed boy had cancer.
From waitress to dental assistant to deckhand to electronics tech to retirement has been a real trip!
Perhaps it was karmic retribution that in rising to hug my father goodbye, my kneecap dislocated, and I never got that hug.
Two days later, I realized that he might have been flirting with me after all.
That was the day I learned that tacos don't mix with vodka and skydiving.
People say that Fibromyalgia is not a "real" disease, but if they had to live with what I live with everyday, they would never say that again.
She too had been sexually assaulted by a five year older brother at the age of nine, and suddenly, I had found a sister in life.
One of the worst feelings comes along with seeing your dog dying in the middle of the road after you accidently ran over her.
On his last day of class, the middle school foreign language teacher concisely summed up his opinion of the year with the words, "Fuck off," then left the room without looking back while his co-teacher translated what he just said into Korean.
Drinking at a bar, sitting between her best friend and her best friend's husband, she whispered to him, "I get affectionate when I'm drunk".
I left my best friend a teary voicemail this morning and she hasn't called me back.
After I found a dirty old gym sock in my locker on the first day of freshman year, I knew high school was going to be the worst four years of my life.
While trying to convince me that the wet spot on the front of his pants was peanut butter and not pee, my three year old son's lack of common sense caught up with his trickery as he said earnestly, "Honest, mom, I peed peanut butter."
I spent over $150 at Victoria's Secret's Semi-Annual Sale today.
Knowing that my miscarriage brought him relief is something I'm not sure I'll ever forget.
On the day I miscarried, I drove to a job interview, and when the Misfits came on the radio, I wondered if I'd still be able to listen to songs about killing babies after I'd lost my own.
My mother just told me that my father accidently had a ladder delivered to my apartment and my first thought was "How big of a ladder?" instead of "Why did he do that?"
I knew it was going to be a bad day when I was up for work at 6am on a Saturday, and my biscuit flopped into my tea mid-dunk.
When I told my husband we needed to go to WoWA (World of Warcraft Anonymous), he asked me if the website had good cheat codes.
The only thing that is orginized in my life is my pill box.
Seriously, a Nerf basketball hoop CAN make your game better in real life.
I laughed when he tried to send a text message to her because I secretly changed her phone number when he wasn't looking.
When security arrived, I was bloody, shaking, bruised and crying and they asked me, "Are you okay?"
The bruises around my throat are fading but the rage in her eyes is still bright.
By learning all the lyrics to Johnny Cash's "I've Been Everywhere" in less than 5 days I completed my 2007 New Year resolution.
Today, while listening to my iPod, I learned that my taste in music sucks.
She looked up from her toy and said, "Daddy, why do you get so angry?"
After I spent weeks of searching the internet to find out what my name meant, my parents confessed that they read "Zofia" wrong.
Forty years ago at the bus stop, he said, "I don't know what else to do with you, so I guess I'd better marry you."
"I am a talentless muppet" said the actress who was on stage mouthing the words relayed via an ear piece located near an FM transmitter which in turn was attached to an amplifier which had a microphone connected to it that was being operated by a very vindictive, smiling stage manager.
When I found out he got in, I gave him a congratulatory hug that made me feel the farthest I've ever been to him.
As I fell through the ice on Lake Michigan staring at the morning sun, I realized my night of revelry had made me feel invincible (and I wasn't).
Today I threw out the leftovers from the last time we hung out and it is taking all I have not to put them back in the fridge, so that I can pretend he never left.
Even though I love him, I close my eyes and pretend I'm already asleep when he gets into bed.
Crying doesn't always get you out of a speeding ticket once a cop has pulled you over, but it does help if you happen to be dressed as a clown at the time.
Whenever someone says "makes you want to pull your hair out," I wish they knew that every night I struggle to stop doing exactly that.
I learned that my father had written a Cold War-era spy novel from a eulogist at his funeral.
My gay best friend had straight sex for the first time this morning with the girl who'd taken my virginity four years ago.
If I lived my life the way I drive my car, I'd be a friendless billionaire.
Luckily his brother didn't pick the lock until after we were getting dressed.
I have to pretend I don't notice the way people look at me when they are trying to decide if I am a boy or a girl.
I was secretly pleased when the doctor told me that the medication may discolour my urine and feces.
I was a Jedi until I got my boobs and then was told I had to be Princess Leia and wait to be rescued.
Nine years after he married me and twenty one months after he broke my heart, he sent me flowers while he was on vacation with his new girlfriend.
I didn't know the stupid cat had been my best friend for fifteen years until I realized he was refusing to let himself die unless I was there to hold him.
I am only mildly concerned that I have to talk myself out of believing in ghosts, but talk myself into believing in God, and I still consider myself a devout Catholic.
I was an 18-year-old virgin when I was raped by a married Mexican in a Cancun nightclub.
Invariably, I take the time between her first (unanswered) phone call and the second to sober up enough to form coherent sentences.
She found it ironic that in order to deal with the stress of her mother dying of lung cancer she turned to smoking two packs a day.
It makes me angry and sad that every time I go visit my pregnant friend, she's always drunk, and she thinks I'm the one with the drinking problem.
When I got bold one day and kissed my best girlfriend on the lips, I realized I loved and longed for her, not my husband.
World of Warcraft led to the end of our relationship, but has now become a healthy part of it.
He sat on the bed waiting for me to come out of the bathroom with a yes or a no, but all I could come up with when I finally emerged was a dismayed, "I can't tell!"
We agreed to just be friends, but after he chose another girl he hasn't had the time.
When he said he didn't think I had it in me, I grabbed my razor just to prove him wrong, and immediately realised that cutting myself fucking HURT and I didn't really want to do that ever again.
After the emergency room doctor told me I was just having cramps I realized my regular doctor made me waste an afternoon in the hospital.
His rental contract didn't include bill payment, but I took disproportionate pleasure in making him feel so guilty about the size of the fuel bill that he paid me some money towards it anyway.
It split us up when she went from an open minded veggie to a narrow minded omni as a result of finding religion after her nervous breakdown.
Hitting the turkey buzzard on the way to our wedding was the first indication we would never last.
Not until thirty days later, when my mother found that story in the New York Post, would I learn that I had actually been dumped for an unemployed Sonny Bono lookalike she had met while putting up those awful Gates in Central Park.
I lost my virginity to an older man whom I met off the internet, then he left me.
I knew I was in love with him the night he gave me a ride because I was too drunk to drive myself home to my husband.
With more of my life to come, I find it only getting better when the sun is out.
I knew I was gay when I got my lip pierced just so I wouldn't have to kiss my boyfriend while I worked up the nerve to break up with him.
I knew what would happen if I let her take off my shirt, but I just wasn't willing to lose my virginity to a girl whose favorite movie was "Eurotrip."
As my dog of 15 years lay lifeless in my arms, I was screaming her name so loud that I swear she could hear me in death, because she woke up and wagged her tail.
I used to have nightmares that he would leave me, but now they are fantasies.
It constantly amazes me that every single day it takes me a few minutes post-waking before I realize that my father has been dead for almost 2 years and my mom is on her way to jail for prescription fraud.
If I would have known inviting you into my bedroom would make you turn the invitations to the rest of my rooms down, I wouldn't have been so hospitable.
I wonder every day what it would be like to have achieved my childhood dreams, knowing it's impossible to grow up to be a kitten.
After finally getting over her, I now have an overwhelming crush on her little brother.
For three long, dreadful years of my life I lived with her, I breathed in her foul smelling second hand smoke every single day, and as she died many years later, I sat there wishing I could breathe it again just one last time.
My five-year-old explained that he couldn't get out of bed because he was too sick, he "haves a cold AND a hot."
He knew I didn't love him anymore when I turned away to sleep after sex instead of letting him hold me.
I didn't realize what a good friend he was until my wife left me for him.
I think I've been making smart enough decisions so far, considering that my future self hasn't traveled back in time and beaten the crap out of me.
"We found your hat ma'am," said the boat conductor baldly, "but the wig wasn't in it."
Am I bad person because when my schizophrenic brother (who believes he is Jesus) asked me how I thought it felt to die on the cross, I responded with, "Um, it hurt?"
Right before my father died nearly 20 years ago, he told me to quit smoking, and last month I finally did.
When she told us last night she didn't realize she had just terminated any relationship she hoped to have with her grandkids someday.
Upon asking my 5-year old son how many hotdogs he wanted for dinner, he said, "Ninety-nine five."
I worry he's just waiting for the last Harry Potter book to come out before he kills himself.
The day I found a twenty dollar bill on the street when I was 10 was the happiest day of my life.
I came out at BYU because I couldn't not go to bed with her and then she left me eight years later for our therapist.
I always thought I'd be a type-A career woman my whole life, but there he was on my chest, squirming, blinking, crying, clutching my little finger with all his might.
"Sorry, sweetie," Mom said as she used some napkins to wipe the elephant snot off my forearm, "but he took all your peanuts."
He threw the condom out the car door when we were finished over a year ago, but I still feel guilty that I didn't stop him from littering.
The man's face was so badly decomposed that the cop asked me "Well, does this look like something he would have done with his hair?"
My first job out of college was writing one sentence summaries of books for library catalogs.
I had gone 28 years - my entire life - without touching a dead body, and I'm quite content to go another 28 years before doing it again.
It wasn't until after my father passed that I realized I was meant to take his place as my hero.
I know 18 digits of pi and can recite the quadratic equation, but I still need to make an L with my hand to find out where left is.
I will never respect someone so deeply as my brother, who came to my birthday when my friends and four other brothers all decided that they had more fun things to do.
I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible to fall in love with someone you've never met in person and you've only been talking to online for a month, but I know that I can't wait til he gets back from Iraq.
I only flirted with him so much because I knew that you were in the corner, watching me over her shoulder.
I'm turning sixteen in a few months but I feel like I'm the only person who misses being in the backseat; knowing that in a few years I'll have to make all the decisions in life.
My life has been a never-ending series of bad haircuts and parking tickets.
I sat by a peat fire in Ireland and picked fat ticks out of a orange cat with heated tweezers for three hours while reading Joyce.
The loneliest goat I ever saw was out in the field as I drove by, the wooden fence marking the boundary of the pasture underneath the hanging gray clouds.
One week ago, he made me smile with a dozen different colored roses and this morning, my husband made me cry by walking past me out the door without as much as a goodbye.
Five minutes later, she realized that she hadn't thought about him for five minutes.
Yes my parents are moving to Kazakhstan and yes I know I've heard it all.
One of the things that brought us together was our mutual dislike of marriage and children, yet the more I got to know him the more I thought I might not be totally opposed to them if they happened with him.
I got back together with my unfaithful wife when my online lovers decided they didn't want to be in a family with me after all.
When you asked how I got the poison ivy on my back, I didn't have the heart to tell you it was from rolling around in the grass with my new boyfriend.
The "One Sentence Finger" at the top of this page points to my Firefox bookmark labeled 'Twitter' but it's actually my favorite erotica archive.
It's the emptiest feeling in the world when you know your friends are out having fun, and you are at your dining room table, weeping and scrapbooking.
I've never been on a plane but in September I'm flying 3,000 miles to meet a guy who makes me laugh and was arrested by the Mexican police.
I was developing photos of a party my ex-girlfriend's father had hosted when it occurred to me that if she died, no one would tell me.
Under the couch is not a good place to dispose of the food that you don't want to eat.
As I rounded the hill of the I-35 & I-435 interchange, I thought it was just an old guy in tight white pants whose car had broken down, but then when he turned around, I realized he was an Elvis impersonator, complete with studded polyester pants, tight chest-hair showing shirt, big sunglasses, and the Elvis hair.
I conduct job interviews for a living and nothing gives me a better sense of wielding karma than giving the job to the nervous kid instead of the better qualified arrogant prick.
My husband's new best friend is the guy I lost my virginity to, 21 years ago.
I swear to god, the doctor actually said, "This guy's some kind of queer putting toy cars up his ass."
I will always regret not being by the side of my 9 year old brother, my best friend, the day he died of Leukemia.
I think to myself, "Is it even possible to feel so connected to the guy after one instant message conversation?"
I never thought that a stapler could cause so much pain!
I was about to pick up the phone to call him when it rang.
I fell in love with a German tourist on a bus and although I don't remember his name and know I'll never see him again, I always hope he remember me too.
I hated long Sunday drives with my parents until the day they took me to see the redwoods.
I saw an advert for what could be my dream job, but the prospect of getting it and moving away from the small village I've lived in my whole life to London terrifies me too much to even apply.
When I was 5 and knew it all, I stubbornly ignored my dad's guidance, but then the stick in my eye incident shut me up for a while.
I realized it was Sunday when I drove up to Chick-fil-a and it was closed.
I am heart-sick because, like many parents of children with profound disabilities, my most secret and unspoken prayer is "Dear God, please let me outlive my child."
I recently found out that my husband's regular password for all of his accounts is "titties2."
After I cleaned up, I walked back into my room with my mom and discovered that it was my sister who had peed on me from the top bunk.
My speech actually ended with a mental "Screw you," to all the boys who would never screw me.
I dreamed in my 10th story hotel room that I was on a roller-coaster in America, but when I awoke I was in the middle of an earthquake in Ginza, Japan.
After Livejournal Strikeout '07, I realized that fangirls could easily be mobilized into a killing machine if you told them that the Iraqis took away their Harry Potter porn.
I finally stopped keeping in touch with my high school boyfriend when he sent me a list of bad things in history that had happened on my birthday.
My elementary-school boyfriend refused to come out of the closet even to his best friend and then died of AIDS.