I said no.
This morning, on my bedroom floor, lay a dying firefly, its light blinking on and off, still signaling for a mate.
Today, a lady called my manager and referred to me and the other host as "incompetent idiots."
I met the love of my life not on the subway or in a bar, but in my bowling class.
I actually don't think that dancing with another guy is cheating, I'm just scared I'm an awful dancer.
She said not to get hit by traffic, but that it was different if she pushed me.
After 92 minutes on the phone, I finally brought myself to ask, "Is it plugged in?"
Only after it had been burned, double-bagged, stomped, sufficated, beaten with a spoon, and then flushed down the toilet did I believe the tick to be truely dead.
As I looked down at the extra ninety degree angle in my arm I told my gym teacher "I think I broke my arm."
I love giving people the wrong idea about me by wearing a cross around my neck.
It smells pretty funny by my computer at the lab, and I'm seriously wondering if it's the frog that escaped last week.
The guinea pig's name was Kaytee until I caught him cleaning his organ one day.
Our non-bi-lingual manager was highly embarrased to find he had been screaming not praise, but "Cheese! Cheese!" at everyone in spanish.
Unbeknownst to even myself, I found that yes, I would take money out of a wallet that I found lying on the open ground.
Having given up on humanity for the afternoon, she returned to her painting.
I stopped listening to Family Force 5 after I realized they were a Christian band.
With nothing left to say, I turned my back on him and became the one that was the coward.
I rode past four times but you didn't come out of your stupid house.
I stopped being depressed when I saw a snippet of the Jerry Springer episode entitled "It all ends with a pig", and I knew that my life wasnt that bad.
The girls that love kung fu movies are the hottest, guaranteed.
World of Warcraft is the sober man's crack cocaine, and I will fight against it with as much vigor as does the United States government.
As hot as double lip piercings are, as slender were her hips, and as beautiful were her eyes, anti-psychotics are an instant stop sign.
I knew we were destined to fall in love when she told me she too was a big fan of zombie movies.
The next week, I "forgot" to shower and ate enough to make me ill, hoping he would stop finding me attractive.
I searched in vain for my one sentence story until I realized that I'd better search for validation in a more meaningful place.
I have a 4.7 GPA and I smoke more weed than my high school's famed stoners.
I explained what rehab and detox are to my 6 year old brother yesterday.
My mother thinks we're dating because she found the hickies he gave me on my neck.
Funny how my husband had to wait months to be promoted to General Adjuster when his co-worker just had to run out of business cards.
On my last day in London, I gave my last remaining pound to a street musician playing Damien Rice's "Cannonball," and I knew it was time to go home.
Later, I would realize that I cried harder when my dog died than I did at Mom's funeral.
I am 25 years old, I have a master's degree, and I finished the book in 36 hours.
Asked by my small daughter, "How long does a clock take?", I had to wonder.
As I lifted the animal to move him out of the road, I learned that turtles pee as a defense mechanism.
Instead of a birthday, I got a "found naked pictures of his female online friends on our computer"-day.
While sitting on the pot at work, it occurred to me how much I enjoy playing under the door games with my cat when I'm doing the same thing at home.
As soon as the harmonica came in, I knew that my idiot neighbors' loud, drunken, 3am sing-a-long wouldn't be ending anytime soon.
Night after night I stare at my phone in anticipation until I realize you're too busy doing blow in strange people's houses to bother with me.
You constantly prove me wrong when I think you can't disappointment me any further.
He knows to keep an eye on my hands, as the length of my finger nails is in direct proportion to how content I am with my life.
It's been nine years, but the cemetery keeper still remembers my name.
By the look on her face, I knew that I had just told my Arabic teacher that she was tasty.
My horn was broken, so I waved my arms trying to get the car in front of me to notice the green light.
The disease stole her health, her friends, her family, her money, but the sunrise was still beautiful.
While at an SCA event, I took a Reiki Level I class that has forever opened my eyes, brought peace to my life and revealed in truth who I really am.
My voice teacher was no longer my hero after I walked in on her having an affair with my friend's dad.
I've never needed a yogurt on the go, but I still buy Go-gurt.
It used to annoy me when I would let a tear run all the way down my face, but I've been crying so much lately that I don't even notice until my shirt gets wet.
I told him he wasn't allowed to die until I was ready to say goodbye, but he didn't listen.
I was her babysitter, her superhero, her mentor, her protector, her beloved father-figure all her life up to the day I molested her.
Despite coming out as a lesbian more than 10 years ago, the straight girl in me still dwells on memories of Chris and Mike and Kevin and wonders if they ever think about me.
When she died, I cried not because I would miss her every day for the rest of my life, but because there was no one left in the world who loved me.
After adopting my father's habit of sitting through the entirety of movie credits, I realized that it had payed off when I saw the name Shelita Buffet scroll across the screen.
When one of my high school "friends" posted what I'm sure he thought was a brilliantly scathing review of the 5th Harry Potter movie, all I could do was be surprised at his ignorant expectations.
I was going to clean the house today, but I decided to play computer games instead.
My dad was my best friend until the day he looked me in the face and said, "You know, I never really did think you were pretty."
I should have been watching the intersection instead of the light.
I was reading Calvin and Hobbes, drinking orange juice, when the sudden seizure ripped through me like a hyperactive kid with a bag of Doritos.
Not until I was mid-air did I realize just how far the pool is from the roof.
It was so cold that I just had to get up to put the kettle on.
The night that he didn't come home was the night that I knew the ring on my finger meant nothing.
It gives me extreme satisfaction to know that, even though your vacation is something I can only dream of, I'll be finished with the last Harry Potter book before you can even get your spoiled hands on a copy.
I spent most of my college life staring at the back of your head in Philosophy class, and when we bumped into each other last week, you gave me a hug like we were old friends and told me you missed me.
As I sat here and read all the new sentences of the day I nearly had a mini heart attack when I saw his name, read the sentence and realized that it really is him.
I don't know who told that girl she looked good in blue contact lenses.
I was so glad that my previous sentence was the #1024, as if it was enough to make the geek I dream to be.
I used to wish my parents would divorce so that we could all be happier.
I was in the frozen food section when his favorite song came on the radio and I had to sit down to cry.
My teetotaling harks back to the ripe age of 13 when, in a fit of uncontrollable giggling, I was ordered to a guest bedroom so they could continue the Passover seder.
I was crying and shaking as the police collected evidence and questioned me about the suspect, but all I could think about was the fact that they were tracking mud all over my freshly mopped hardwood floors.
As the screened-in porch filled up with smoke, I realized my decision to grill was a bad idea.
I felt her grip loosen on my hand as she slipped away.
My dog has eaten a bag of Hershey Kisses, an entire Vonnegut novel and a tube of super glue without ill effect, but a bowl of the wrong brand of dog food required a roll of paper towels and a bottle of disinfectant to remedy.
Without fail, a sense of panic rises in my chest every time I pass a "Last Exit in New York" sign.
From the moment I saw a spoon inexplicably dangling from the roof by a plastic cable, the gigantic rhododendrons in the front yard, and the wood paneling on the basement apartment's walls, I knew that this would be my new home.
Having finally tried Chipotle I am, now more then ever, convinced of the supreme awesomeness of the Panchero's burrito.
After I read that email, I wished the pain in my stomach was a result of being punched rather than finding out that my father never really loved me.
I held the door for her and smiled, having no idea what she had just whispered to her friends.
The cold night precursed a cold week, with no sunshine in the forecast.
When sharing music becomes foreplay, you know you have something beautiful.
After being woken up several nights in a row by my neighbours having loud sex, I sat down and put more effort into writing them a letter asking them to keep it down than I put into my A-level exam papers.
I had an affair with my junior high school teacher and after that I was celibate for almost 30 years.
Eight months ago I deleted each and every one of her online profiles using the password she entrusted me to use if she committed suicide, and two hours ago I gave her advice on being a good person.
After his soggy diaper leaked onto his bed, my two year old asked, "Who turned the water on?"
I'm currently in search of a reasonably priced flight to New York City from the Lower Saxony Region of Germany (as of now they're in the thousands due to things like terror, G8 and Live Earth).
Christmas Eve is one hell of a time to learn that some old wives' tales are true.
Is it weird that I say a truly genuine, pleading prayer everytime I get into a dressing room with an item of clothing, that God lets it not only fit, but look okay, too?
I had been crying for hours, so I felt a little silly when the moment he told me he was on his way right over, I stopped.
Despite the after-effects of a broken arm and hand, going over my handlebars made me feel as if I was flying like Superman.
As it turns out, today was just one more in an endless succession of days where the desire to get out of bed and go in to work marginally outweighed the desire to put my head in the oven and turn on the gas.
I once ate a whole jar of peanut butter (the crunchy kind) just to see if I could, and all I got was constipation for a week.
My girlfriend went away to Hawaii and broke up with me over the phone, so I'm keeping her comforter.
I had nightmares the whole night before going to the dentist to get my wisdom tooth extracted.
Nearly two years later, I can't believe I'm still in Texas.
Nothing has surprised me quite like the sudden, unexpected appearance of a baby mule in our pasture one average Saturday morning.
I asked him twice to get mustard, but he drove away from the window without even bothering.
The 3-year-old yells out the window to a vagrant with compassion, "Watch out man, the ants bite real bad!"
Every night at 11:11, I make a wish for my compulsive lying to stop.
She walked into the room and coherency decided to step outside for a smoke break.
My boyfriend would flip if he knew that my best friend "Kelly" who I visit on the weekends is really my best friend Kevin.
She had no idea that when she sarcastically said "I know I'm going to die," about getting her wisdom teeth pulled that she actually would.
I wanted to tell her I loved her, but complimented her butt instead.
He was standing in my kitchen when I stepped out of the shower and before thinking I shouted, "I'm always wet when I see you!"
Finally, he decided that he didn't love me anymore, so I guess all I can do is to become a good hindi speaking exiled particle physicist.
As I prepare for work tomorrow I think, "Can I do this for another 20 years?"
At work, I learned that shake mix can be a wonderful plaything, and it's just as fun to watch someone shove it into their mouth.
The best part of getting lost and following a state trooper is watching him pull over drunk drivers.
I keep telling myself 'the phone is going to ring', but after two months, I can't seem to believe myself anymore when it comes to job interviews.
I then came to realize that because of such freakish weather that winter, that global warming took my friends life.
All those years of play-threatening her with the kitchen knives sent her into therapy and the entire time I thought she knew I was kidding!
On the other side of that door, just moments ago, I heard my life getting that much more screwed up.
As my eyes started welling up in fright in pre-op, I could hear the accelerating beeps on the heart rate monitor and started to regret not sneaking out of the bathroom window when I had the chance.
It wasn't until the end of the afternoon, when I stepped off the boat and we parted ways, that I realized I hadn't caught his name.
The broccoli-cheese potato was perfectly cooked, but the pickles mysteriously had corn on them.
I told her that John Mellencamp had ruined my life, and when she revealed that he had ruined hers too, I got the kind of goosebumps that let you know your life is about to become more interesting.
The only advantage to accidentally reading spoilers is being able to hold them over your friends heads for weeks to come.
As I flipped through her wedding photos I realized that not every bride is beautiful.
Having bent all of our spoons my mother finally bought an ice cream scoop.
I'm eating your cupcakes right now, greedily with both hands, but when you get home I will be yelling at the dog for taking them.
I'm engaged at an age that is far too young for my family's acceptance, but by this age my mother had 2 kids, so I think they can get over it.
As I stared at his bare chest I had this uncanny desire to bite his nipples.
As I tried cocaine my first time, my only thought was how blue those eyes were.
I knew it was going to be a long ride home when he put 'Nothing Else Matters' in repeat mode on the car stereo.