A hooker stole my cell phone, called my wife, and now I'm in trouble.
A hooker stole my cell phone, called my wife, and now I'm in trouble.
Having no guilt over terminating a pregnancy is making me feel guilty.
Reading through the unapproved sentences yesterday, I was impressed with the emotional intensity and similarity I had with one of them, until I realized it was one of my own.
I had never seen my father cry until he found my pet bunny Coco dead in my backyard.
As the vomit crawled up my throat I suddenly realized I was holding the barf bag upside down.
Every time I have an appointment as a 25-year-old woman I still resort back to the 7-year-old I was when I was molested by my doctor.
I was ecstatic to see my husband NOT pour himself a drink when he got home from work.
I did not say goodbye to my Dad as he left for work the last time.
The orange sat in my bag for another day because I continued refusing to admit that oranges are just too messy to eat at work.
Just after he hit the road with his face, he thought, "Now I have an excuse for missing class."
I really took it to heart when my bi-sexual friend called me pretty, since she was the first person to mean it.
I hadn't seen her in twelve years, but my heart still broke when I saw her picture on CNN with "Missing" underneath it.
If my exasperated mother hadn't set me straight, I'd probably still think that cold turkey helped people quit smoking.
I used to want to be a writer when I grew up, until I learned the word "poverty."
I braced myself, stoic and still as stone, as they wheeled your body into the room, and I didn't break down until I realized your long hair was still wet from the last shower you took.
It's been seven years since she was adopted and I just now realized that my little sister has never called me by my given name, only the Chinese word for "older brother."
I wasn't the valedictorian, but the speech I gave to the class was so much better than hers.
The number of teenagers that look around to make sure nobody is watching before answering "Nno, I'm not sexually active" is astounding.
I tried to tell the policeman on the phone that I could hear my neighbour's daughter screaming as her mother beat her, but all he did was tell me to work on my Japanese and hang up.
I crashed my friend's car on a sandwich run and to top it off, I brought him back the wrong sandwich.
When my neighbors' 4-year-old son died unexpectedly in his sleep, I wasn't suicidal anymore.
Exclaiming "Is there any chance that nobody saw that?" is a fantastic way to break the tension when you drop a glass in the crowded coffee shop where you work.
Up until I saw the man's legs sticking out from under the truck's trailer I had thought the woman's shrieking had been unmerited.
The ticket stub to the movie we had not attended kept me from going to jail that night.
She realized her sleeping habits were going to change when the crack heads at the clinic next door smoked their cigarettes and chattered loudly at 5:45 AM for the 4th day in a row.
I forgot to put on deodorant today and I'm worried that everyone at work knows that.
I don't know much Spanish, but I was totally flattered when the roofer pointed at me and told his coworker "Chi-chis grande!"
If I have ever been introduced to you, I have pictured you naked.
I'm too old to read until 2 AM and still expect to be productive the next day.
We noticed we were wearing the same shirt during freshman English and 11 years later, he was the best man in my wedding.
I thought that I was a tolerant Catholic, but it turns out I was really agnostic the whole time.
Putting the tip of the Sharpie to the bathroom wall and pledging my commitment to freeing Tibet might have been the most rebellious moment of my life thus far.
Even though it was lodged somewhere in the bowels of the toilet, we could still hear it chirping.
I faked a few smiles and held back my tears as I sat at a table, dateless, at my senior prom.
Until I heard the words "Yes, her name is Lane," I didn't know his infidelity would hurt me so much.
We were going to stay up all night recording experimental music on his computer like John and Yoko, but then his mom came in and told us it was time for him to go to bed.
Even after losing a hundred pounds, you told me my c-section scar makes me look fat.
There is no odder combination of items at the grocery store than a jar of Vaseline and a single cucumber.
The first and only time I met Bob he gave me a silver dollar as a graduation present.
I've changed cell phones so many times that I don't even mourn the loss of my numbers anymore.
My neighbor just found out that I get dressed with the blinds open.
He lied about being being sodomized and having testicular cancer.
Clearing out your mother's house while she is still alive is emotionally draining and feels wrong.
They drilled a hole in my head took out four little pieces of my brain, and one week later told me, "You have multiple sclerosis."
When I was four, I ran my dads car into a brick wall in a supermarket parking lot.
The day after prom of this year, I found out that I was the only person out of all my friends that was still a virgin.
He sent her a dozen roses on Valentine's Day after five years of silence as if it would erase all the bruises he made on her now fourteen-year-old daughter.
As I pass the full parking lot at the funeral home on my daily commute, I am reminded that no matter how stressful I think my day has been, at least I am not on my way to a funeral.
I have to choose between anti-depressants and weight loss, when half the reason I'm depressed is because I'm fat.
Yesterday I walked naked into my bathroom, looked up through the skylight, and discovered that there was a construction worker on my roof.
One day I'll be angry when she squeezes my toothpaste from the wrong end, but four years in, it's still endearing.
Today I had the most fun I have had with mother since I was a little girl, masking the fact that her mother died this morning.
Compassion is not something you see when driving the roads of the big city, so it was nice to witness a nicely-clad man getting out of his comfy SUV to help another man whose truck had spilled its contents onto the road behind him.
He molested my big sister and then 20 years later, he married my mom.
We thought my dog had a tick and tried "smoking it out" with a hot match only to discover it was her nipple.
Last night I realized that I have to quit being me in order not to ruin my daughter's life.
Yesterday my five year old told me that he found out at school that Heaven is full of dead people.
Though he thinks he's got me over a barrel because my religion won't allow me to divorce him, he's going to be very shocked when the papers get there next week.
She often cries while watching him sleep, hands clasped on his chest, reminding her again of his sister's tiny corpse.
In the last 48 hours i've seen the sun set on Qatar, the moon rise over Iraq, the sun rise over Iran, and set once more in Bahrain.
The broken car window was only made more annoying by the fact that they hadn't actually stolen anything.
I was told that the cat got an infected nipple from licking himself too much when no one is home.
On Mother's Day, I remember when my mother told me that if she had known about abortion in 1946 I wouldn't be here.
You stay up doing origami until 1am without realizing I was staring at your back, just waiting for you to lie down beside me.
I'm still waiting to lend you this CD which I've been carrying in my bag for three weeks.
I blew out my knee making love to my fiance a week before I had to go to the recruiters office.
I stay up late reading One Sentence to put off waking up without her.
No matter how many times I closed my eyes and wished, the two bright pink lines refused to merge into one.
My uncle laughed uncontrollably at my flustered mother as she explained my mentally retarded brother's behavior of waving at cars while walking nude through the neighborhood, but the jokes ended the next day when it was my uncle who found a pile of my brother's clothes on the front porch.
It was the perfect revenge, until I came home and the cops were already waiting for me.
It's hard lying to the parents who raised you to be an honest man, even for the sake of your little sister.
Yesterday I drank the result of not washing the dishes: coffee with clipped nails and chewing gum.
Losing my virginity to a regrettable British accent wasn't on the syllabus.
I thought the worst gift ever given was a cheese grater given to my mom by my dad for Christmas, but he recently topped it with a flashlight, key chain and hand warmers for her birthday.
Because he slept on the top bunk, my brother always called me "the monster under the bed."
After crushing the tiny spider with a roll of painters tape I felt a sudden pang of guilt knowing that I had ended a life for no reason other than my own silly phobia.
The ring I bought her didn't fit, which is probably for the best because she was going to dump me anyway.
After my boss told me "I can treat you any way I want to because I pay you," I asked him, "Did they teach you that in MBA school or in church?"
After narrowly preventing a smouldering towel from burning our house down, the thing that affected me most was realising that we really own far too many useless, wasteful objects, and if they had all been lost, I would truly miss very few of them.
When the doorbell rang at four o'clock in the morning, I knew the cop had seen my license plate.
Last night I dreamt about high school and the loneliness haunted me throughtout the day.
He wrote eight drafts of "will you go to prom with me?" and I couldn't help but say yes.
After I told her about the online game I was playing, my mom sent me an email saying, "Sorry you missed your raid."
Tomorrow I'll celebrate my mother's anniversary while my long lost uncle, her brother, gets deployed to Afghanistan.
Even though it's too late to ask the question: is it okay to eat onion rings out of the trash, as long as they are on top?
I think the imaginary friend I had when I was in elementary school wanted to spend more time with me then my boyfriend does.
There are at least twelve people who now know me only as "the girl with the cool bra."
I think I was in that four-star hotel with Noodles in middle school.
It's a heartbreaking moment when your alarm clock goes off and you haven't been to bed yet.
I came home 13 months ago to learn that my next-door neighbor was being charged with running a considerable drug-distribution ring.
At six-years-old my friends passed around a discarded, lit cigarette smoking it perfectly while I couldn't take a drag properly no matter how hard I tried.
Getting a wowie from my Studio Lighting teacher makes that F in English fizzle away.