Unidentified Ethnicity
She tried to convert me to Christianity because I looked Jewish.
2008-08-27 16:21:32 / Rating: 227.25 / 
Story archives - August 2008
Heather
As I closed the door on my apartment for the last time, I realized that any love I've had for a person pales in comparison to the love I have for that place.
2008-08-27 16:21:04 / Rating: 193.75 /
Liliya
Tears came to my eyes when I received the scholarship because it meant I could support myself for another month.
2008-08-27 16:20:43 / Rating: 135.75 /
Darklord263
I know "vomit-free since '08" isn't as cool as "vomit-free since '03," but I really didn't have a choice.
2008-08-27 16:18:00 / Rating: 166.5 /
flabbermeister
Five years ago I was a second-degree black belt, lead-role, vegetarian, straight-A student and today I am an overweight, chain-smoking, meat-eating, 3.0 GPA.
2008-08-27 15:22:46 / Rating: 126.75 /
Daddy
After finding out her grandfather was in the army, my daughter asked "Was he with the green guys or the tan guys?"
2008-08-27 14:57:30 / Rating: 144 /
A.D.
In Physics of Music class, I learned that a wave is defined as "a traveling disturbance" and I thought of my ex-boyfriend.
2008-08-27 14:55:54 / Rating: 332.5 /
Port Noir
It started an hour late because the first comic was a pothead who left the microphone at Taco Bell when he had a snack attack before the show.
2008-08-27 14:54:48 / Rating: 143.5 /
silence dogood
When I lost all my school stuff on a crowded city bus on Friday, I did not expect the pot-smoking pervert from my Spanish class to carry it all the way home and bring it to me on Monday.
2008-08-26 10:22:36 / Rating: 469.25 /
Jennifer
My childhood and my dog share a grave in my backyard.
2008-08-26 10:22:06 / Rating: 437 /
Erin
I'm only 16, so why do I have to be the adult in every situation?
2008-08-26 10:21:44 / Rating: 162 /
SilverMarc
How was I supposed to know what "cease and desist" meant?
2008-08-26 10:18:50 / Rating: 170.25 /
.
If you thought toilet paper on the back of your shoe was bad, try someone else's used pad.
2008-08-26 10:18:04 / Rating: 234.25 /
stupidlove
It's been four days, and I still don't know what I should have said to the pretty girl sitting next to me who said "Everybody likes good porn."
2008-08-26 10:17:26 / Rating: 369.25 /
A.D.
When I was little I thought the "f" word was "fart" because I wasn't allowed to say it.
2008-08-26 10:15:54 / Rating: 151.5 /
Talim
I found out, for some odd reason, my printer speaks in Spanish.
2008-08-26 10:15:05 / Rating: 124.5 /
temperate
We sat in the graveyard for 20 minutes, nothing scary happened, and we decided we shall be cremated when we die.
2008-08-22 17:39:06 / Rating: 185.5 /
JenZen
In one day I had convinced my grandfather I was old enough to drive his riding mower and ran over the new slide with the riding mower.
2008-08-22 17:37:21 / Rating: 98.5 /
for Hannah
How do you pray for a heart for a sick little girl when you know it's like hoping for someone else's child to die?
2008-08-22 17:37:06 / Rating: 505.75 /
Qweebo
In Target earlier today I learned there is really no good way to answer a 5-year-old asking you why you are looking at his mother's butt so much.
2008-08-22 17:33:37 / Rating: 509 /
Just another one
As I watched him squat off the rail road bridge with two of my friends holding his arms to keep him from falling into the river thirty feet below, I wondered how fast he'd be able to move with his pants around his ankles as I saw a train round the corner.
2008-08-22 17:31:58 / Rating: 126 /
skor
I wrote a note to him in binary saying I thought I loved him.
2008-08-22 14:00:36 / Rating: 245.25 /
prom princess
I was willing to give him my virginity but he wasn't willing to spend the money on a hotel room.
2008-08-22 13:59:26 / Rating: 217 /
MartyB
I told my eight-year-old daughter she could choose lemonade, lemonade or lemonade and she asked "What was the second one again?"
2008-08-22 13:56:40 / Rating: 360.5 /
Someone
A failed suicide attempt on Tuesday night makes it hard to care on Thursday when your boss is mad you stayed home sick on Wednesday.
2008-08-22 13:56:03 / Rating: 353 /
GBA
The Sufjan Stevens-induced ecstasy flashback made me realize how much I disliked my life in an unaltered state.
2008-08-19 14:46:59 / Rating: 131.75 /
Erin
It's my sixteenth birthday and I've only gotten happy birthdays from a radio DJ and a website.
2008-08-19 14:43:38 / Rating: 285.5 /
Museology
My dog is nineteen years old and I just taught him a new trick.
2008-08-19 14:26:37 / Rating: 413.5 /
ticosmom
Imagine my surprise when my kindergarten deskmate tapped my on the shoulder only to vomit his afternoon milk and snack all over me.
2008-08-19 14:25:19 / Rating: 135.5 /
ticosmom
Did I really graduate from nursing school to assist in the emergency removal of a family-sized cold cream jar from a 50 year-old man's rectum?
2008-08-19 14:25:03 / Rating: 203.25 /
Lauren
While cleaning out the closet in my room in the house I share with my parents, I found an old porn on VHS that I know does not belong to me.
2008-08-19 14:24:39 / Rating: 110.25 /
Doritos
We met because he'd hit me in the back of the head with his trombone slide.
2008-08-18 14:58:13 / Rating: 200.25 /
Not your daughter
"Just lock your door at night" is not a reasonable thing to say to your 12-year-old daughter when she tells you her stepfather is molesting her.
2008-08-18 14:57:45 / Rating: 453.25 /
terms&conditions
The file I audited for this poor senior citizen who lost his home after 20 years is why another big bank will close and its president goes to jail.
2008-08-18 11:45:23 / Rating: 116.25 /
Zombie
While looking under the couch cushions for the remote control, I instead found a pamphlet entitled "Would You Like to Know More About the Bible?"
2008-08-15 22:58:50 / Rating: 121.75 /
Courtney
I took a huge bite of rice pudding only to realize that it was actually tartar sauce.
2008-08-14 20:37:55 / Rating: 301.75 /
Mr. Lucas Brice
I found out the reason the emails to my old friend bounced is because unbeknownst to me, Steven was now Janet.
2008-08-14 20:35:28 / Rating: 179.5 /
Lauren
My car was stolen and when it was found 5 hours later the thief had replaced a spark plug and filled it with gas.
2008-08-14 20:33:18 / Rating: 485.25 /
Just Us
As I lay on the ground clutching my ankle, I wished my favorite super hero had not been one with the power of flight.
2008-08-13 15:19:12 / Rating: 181.25 /
A.
I remember saying "no."
2008-08-13 15:16:52 / Rating: 1405 /
Jenny
I'm moving into my new apartment tomorrow, in spite of the fact that both toilets are broken.
2008-08-13 14:22:35 / Rating: 101.75 /
Eileen
I will never again give cucumbers from my garden as a gift to a man with erectile dysfunction.
2008-08-12 15:48:18 / Rating: 265.5 /
stupidlove
I took my wife's sluttiest panties with me to the Kentucky bar exam because they had always been lucky for me.
2008-08-12 15:04:21 / Rating: 218.5 /
Jay
I lied to them when I said I found my keys at the park because I didn't want to admit my own stupidity at having accidentally dropped them into my bag of carrots.
2008-08-12 15:03:04 / Rating: 137.5 /
fellahz
As soon as I heard that the guy who sexually molested me as a child had been put in jail after 8 years, I felt as if a ton of bricks had been lifted off my heart.
2008-08-12 15:02:19 / Rating: 152 /
KarmaRama
Two days after I berated my incompetent roommate for flooding the laundry room, I flooded the laundry room.
2008-08-12 14:54:49 / Rating: 233.75 /
Mellie
Our second first kiss was twice as good and one thousandth as awkward as our first.
2008-08-11 16:33:14 / Rating: 160.5 /
friend of a friend
I stumbled upon a DVD of yours in our collection and put it aside to give back, only to find out moments later that you were dead.
2008-08-11 16:32:18 / Rating: 256.75 /
Get Out Much?
An impatient check of the UPS online tracking center reveals that the package has been on my front porch for three days.
2008-08-11 16:29:57 / Rating: 315.75 /
~ Tilden
It won't always be the thing you didn't see coming -- in fact, it usually isn't -- but, sometimes, you just totally wake up with lichen sclerosus on your penis.
2008-08-11 16:29:27 / Rating: 120 /
RA
I opened my dorm room door to a frantic guy who said, "There's a naked body on 4th floor and I'm not even kidding."
2008-08-11 15:54:31 / Rating: 149.25 /
B
If I were in a warrior culture that views being alert as a great attribute, my fear of sleep would be accepted, understood and even praised instead of diagnosed and treated.
2008-08-11 15:42:52 / Rating: 137 /
Tom
I had to go to the hospital in the 7th grade after I fell off my bike because the sombrero I was wearing to block the sun blew off and I instinctively reached back to grab it and lost balance.
2008-08-11 15:42:34 / Rating: 114.5 /
Aurelia
I know you squeezed my hand back when you were in that coma.
2008-08-07 17:31:19 / Rating: 266 /
eM
When I finally downloaded the contents of my 3-year-old's birthday digital camera, I found pictures of another woman kissing my husband.
2008-08-07 17:28:45 / Rating: 278.25 /
xunshine
After we finished kissing, I laughed and said,"Can you please go brush your teeth?"
2008-08-07 15:14:06 / Rating: 111.25 /
LP
I think the best revenge I could possibly have pales in comparison to knowing your co-op board is about to stage an intervention about over how bad you smell.
2008-08-06 16:34:30 / Rating: 153.25 /
steph
I jumped into his arms and screamed, "Daddy!" but the sound of my brother's piercing laughter struck in me a sinking realization that this man was not my father, but was instead a very bewildered stranger.
2008-08-06 16:34:16 / Rating: 124.5 /
c.
You know you are too much of a people-pleaser when you, a straight girl, hook up with a lesbian who is into you and pretend to really like it so you don't hurt her feelings.
2008-08-06 16:33:50 / Rating: 307.75 /
Kate
I know doctors hear it all, but how many other people fracture their hand while rapping on the wall to try to get the neighbors to stop having such loud sex?
2008-08-06 16:33:06 / Rating: 272 /
crazycollision
"Your father can't possibly be beating you," the social worker said in disbelief as she stared at the 4.0 GPA on the girl's report card.
2008-08-06 16:10:05 / Rating: 177.5 /
Waylon
"Well, I'm no gynecologist", I murmured into the phone, "But I'll come over and have a look."
2008-08-06 16:09:11 / Rating: 183.5 /
Strawberry Poptart
Mormon boys corrupt just as easily as others.
2008-08-06 15:38:58 / Rating: 134.5 /
call me goldie
Cheating on my boyfriend with a gorgeous French man wasn't all it was cut out to be.
2008-08-06 15:09:57 / Rating: 98.25 /
Miss Marble
I knew he would ask me to marry him if I could only find 64 marbles.
2008-08-06 14:51:49 / Rating: 72.25 /
paisly
As I watched out the window at the Mennonites in their brightly colored swim trunks I couldn't help but feel that I was doing something terribly wrong.
2008-08-05 11:15:39 / Rating: 83.25 /
Nikhil Charan
On my thirteenth birthday my parents gave me the best toys money could buy, and then in a moment of playful distraction they broke down and announced: "We are not your biological parents."
2008-08-04 17:17:38 / Rating: 173.75 /
Carin
While playing pool with a stranger I was casually told that my childhood best friend had committed suicide.
2008-08-04 17:16:13 / Rating: 156 /
Leechard
I need a vacuum cleaner to clean out my vacuum cleaner.
2008-08-04 17:14:03 / Rating: 142.25 /
it's not me, i swear
If my brother steals my phone and texts dirty messages to my friends one more time, I'm gonna break his fingers.
2008-08-04 17:13:13 / Rating: 138.5 /
No, I Really Don't Know
The nurse asked why the woman was so upset that the doctor was going to reverse her colostomy, and she replied, "Do you know how much money men pay to have sex with me in that hole?"
2008-08-04 17:11:29 / Rating: 126.5 /
Charlie
My sister tells me she watched our mom cry when I came out as gay to which I reply that I watched our mom cry when she ran away, stole the car, and got mom arrested.
2008-08-04 17:11:13 / Rating: 189 /
AJ
I did not intend to start my day at 2am by being woken up by someone shouting, "Fire!"
2008-08-04 09:51:35 / Rating: 91.5 /
Connor
All I could think of as my friend sat naked next to me encouraging me to throw up was what a great One Sentence it would make.
2008-08-04 09:49:49 / Rating: 242 /
Sarah
Three-and-a-half months after giving birth to the baby I never thought I could have, I was in the hospital wondering if I would live to hear her first words.
2008-08-01 14:05:00 / Rating: 295.25 /