Story archives - December 2008


She kissed me in the parking lot of the Mormon church, and all the cars drove by slowly, honking their horns.

tags: lesbian best friend old flame funny private joke kiss [add]

2008-12-31 12:43:34 / Rating: 810 /

Bored of Boredom

After that dream, I never saw Ronald McDonald the same again.

tags: childhood humor [add]

2008-12-31 12:40:04 / Rating: 576.5 /

Jane Eyre

As I went through the debris left in my house and found that most of my mother's jewelry had not been stolen, I cared less and less that they'd stolen all my electronic stuff.

tags: crime jewelry electronics [add]

2008-12-31 12:38:25 / Rating: 382.25 /


Thank you, guard rail.

tags: accident vehical guard rail avoided [add]

2008-12-31 12:36:00 / Rating: 609 /


When I told the hardware store worker my plan to paint on my ex-boyfriends pristine BMW, without hesitation, she asked what color.

tags: paint car break up [add]

2008-12-29 15:27:20 / Rating: 1142.5 /

twisted babysitter

After I convinced the kids I had gotten them duct tape and underwear for Christmas, they were quite appreciative of their real gifts.

tags: christmas joke present babysitter funny [add]

2008-12-25 23:02:05 / Rating: 577 /

Santa's Photographer

I saw Santa chuckle to himself and realized I had heard correctly, the little guy did ask for Chinese food for Christmas.

tags: santa photos humor kids [add]

2008-12-25 23:01:51 / Rating: 658.25 /


It is not lost on me that taking my cat to a pet psychiatrist suggests I might need a human one myself.

tags: humor psychiatry cats [add]

2008-12-25 23:00:29 / Rating: 563.5 /


There should have been one more stocking hanging from the mantle, a few more ornaments on the tree with your name on the back, and a few more brightly wrapped presents addressed to you.

tags: baby brother death Christmas I miss you [add]

2008-12-25 23:00:17 / Rating: 655.75 /


The best diet I ever tried was hepatitis.

tags: diet [add]

2008-12-22 15:56:58 / Rating: 333 /

never the same

I watched her tiny tummy sucking in, her skin pulling tight against her ribs, her hand involuntarily closing on my index finger as she struggled for every breath, and I thought, "One day, is one day too much to ask?"

tags: baby birth sick dying father dad daddy hospital serious drama doctor nurse emergency funeral death [add]

2008-12-22 15:51:17 / Rating: 1097.25 /


I laughed out loud in class at the severe irony when he pronounced it "foo pah."

tags: humor irony faux pas mispronunciation [add]

2008-12-22 15:47:59 / Rating: 618 /

The nerve...

After the doctor told me, "It's a girl," my never-married mother looked into my bundle of joy's eyes and said, "Maybe you will break the cycle and get married first before having a child."

tags: childbirth mother unwed baby [add]

2008-12-22 15:22:44 / Rating: 492 /


I realized how different we were when our laptops were sitting side by side, hers a pristene piece of plastic, mine a well loved, battered tool with stickers, scratches, and character.

tags: differences breaking up love laptops [add]

2008-12-19 14:57:34 / Rating: 649 /


Our first kiss tasted of Lucky Charms.

tags: first kiss love romance morning breakfast [add]

2008-12-19 11:40:08 / Rating: 763.25 /

S Fuller

As I was being wheeled into emergency surgery, under the haze of a morphine-induced dream, I wholeheartedly believed I was going to my death, and I was truly horrified.

tags: surgery death fear [add]

2008-12-19 11:39:40 / Rating: 564.5 /


I spit out a drink in disbelief was when I saw that the man who raped me had joined a Facebook group for rape survivors.

tags: wtf facebook seriously!? [add]

2008-12-18 14:43:00 / Rating: 784.75 /


The one catch with secret lovers is explaining who the Christmas present is from to your boyfriend.

tags: cheating Christmas oh shit [add]

2008-12-18 14:41:53 / Rating: 411.75 /


Moments after my three year old son stated, "I help Daddy," I came to realize that our Christmas tree was on fire.

tags: children christmas fire child humor [add]

2008-12-17 21:52:09 / Rating: 900 /


When asked by the mechanic what sort of engine I had, I responded "A black one," and didn't understand why he couldn't stop laughing.

tags: humor car mechanic ignorance [add]

2008-12-17 21:51:07 / Rating: 594.75 /

Ever Curious

I've had a fivesome, some foursomes, and many threesomes with close friends, but the best sex I ever had was a one night stand with someone I had just met hours before.

tags: one night stand sex [add]

2008-12-17 21:50:49 / Rating: 421.25 /


The first day I wore my military uniform, a man came up to me, grasped my forearm, smiled at me and said with tears in his eyes "Thank you."

tags: war faith thanks [add]

2008-12-17 21:48:14 / Rating: 766.75 /


The day I was able to recite Jabberwocky to my first grade class was what won me my husband.

tags: poetry husband [add]

2008-12-16 09:14:55 / Rating: 515.5 /


Every time I think of September 11th, I remember how he tried to convince me to lose my virginity "on a day I would never forget."

tags: sex virginity irony [add]

2008-12-16 09:12:45 / Rating: 731 /


My uncle's secret of being a trans-sexual was revealed when the undertaker referred to him as "he/she."

tags: family death [add]

2008-12-16 09:11:38 / Rating: 549.5 /


He asked, "Is that your purse on fire?"

tags: drunk fire humor [add]

2008-12-16 09:10:31 / Rating: 608.5 /

college kid

My ramen has the slightest hint of dishwasher soap flavoring.

tags: finals college poor humor ew eat it anyway [add]

2008-12-16 08:52:56 / Rating: 627.5 /


When I told him I wouldn't have sex with him in the back of his car, he replied, "But it's an Audi."

tags: sex humor convertible [add]

2008-12-15 16:37:34 / Rating: 974.25 /


As I got onto my airplane going home, I realized that I was coming back to CA with two new rings: one in my nose, and one on my left hand.

tags: engagement piercing [add]

2008-12-15 16:37:21 / Rating: 338.5 /


My white english teacher told me that I had ESL issues and that my writing needs work when I've been in this country my whole life.

tags: College esl teacher [add]

2008-12-12 09:23:33 / Rating: 401.25 /

for Zandra

You know work is exciting when in the same week you can say, "I got attacked by an angry black midget" and "I was bitten by a lesbian stripper."

tags: humor work ridiculous strange midget stripper [add]

2008-12-12 09:22:25 / Rating: 928 /


Announcing "I am loose" in a hostel gave me a lot of unwanted attention but no directions to the rail station.

tags: lost not loose humor oops [add]

2008-12-12 09:20:27 / Rating: 532.5 /

one day

I gave the high school freshman my phone number so he could brag to his friends and because it reaffirmed that I want to be a journalist when I grow up

tags: humor growing up freshman career journalism college dating [add]

2008-12-12 09:18:39 / Rating: 574 /


When I was little, my mom told me that the bottom of the pool smelled really good.

tags: mom pool humor [add]

2008-12-12 09:17:51 / Rating: 810.75 /

When I picked up my black grandfather from a white woman's house running down the fire escape holding his pants up, I realized I had an interesting childhood.

tags: humor childhood interracial cheating [add]

2008-12-09 09:59:05 / Rating: 734 /


I couldn't figure out why my boyfriend didn't like me to kiss his ears until I realized his mother is an ears-nose-throat nurse.

tags: boyfriend ears mom nurse [add]

2008-12-09 09:57:01 / Rating: 472.25 /


During that game of Spin the Bottle, I had my first kiss courtesy of my friend's red-headed cousin.

tags: fourth grade first kiss spin the bottle [add]

2008-12-08 17:40:12 / Rating: 305.25 /

T mac

The night I was in the hospital was the night I fell for the boy I had only known a week.

tags: hospital love [add]

2008-12-08 17:33:44 / Rating: 453.75 /


I laughed when I saw the politician on television because he was the one who liked tickle torture and me in black stockings.

tags: sex politics [add]

2008-12-08 17:31:17 / Rating: 634.25 /


I just told my therapist that I think she's really pretty.

tags: therapy [add]

2008-12-08 17:29:12 / Rating: 339.25 /


As I sat in the church pew watching a movie on Jesus, I got a laugh out of the woman next to me as she was caught off guard by having to explain what a circumcision was to her young boys as it played out on the screen.

tags: christmas circumcision parenthood [add]

2008-12-08 17:27:36 / Rating: 380 /


The day my mother told me she wasn't sure what her life purpose was is the day I realized she's more than just my mother, but a human being with hopes and dreams independent of motherhood.

tags: parents [add]

2008-12-08 17:02:43 / Rating: 561.25 /


As I lay in bed, wailing and sobbing after hearing news of the horrible accident, you were across the country sending an e-mail telling me not to be so sensitive and upset.

tags: death mother insensitive shock far away from home wrong thing to say asshole of a best friend [add]

2008-12-05 13:10:58 / Rating: 633 /


While at my abortion follow up appointment, I told the doctor I'd like a prescription for more birth control and with complete disregard for how it would make me feel, she replied, "Yeah, you need it."

tags: abortion doctor [add]

2008-12-05 13:04:53 / Rating: 433.5 /


I stood in the cereal aisle for ten minutes trying to pick the Marshmallow Mateys bag with the highest marshmallow-to-anchor ratio.

tags: college food humor [add]

2008-12-05 13:03:14 / Rating: 922.75 /

not mommy

I didn't realize that I spoke so loudly until I walked out of the bathroom and my boyfriend said, "You're welcome."

tags: pregnancy scare embarrassed thankful [add]

2008-12-05 13:01:28 / Rating: 395.75 /


I was too taken by the fact that my head was still ice cold in the spot where the revolver hit me to realize that my forearm was broken into the shape of a small Z.

tags: mugging pistol whipped broken bones [add]

2008-12-05 12:57:17 / Rating: 289.25 /

"That's my name."

I put up a half-assed, poorly written, free profile with no photo on and he still found me.

tags: anonymous now engaged [add]

2008-12-04 13:20:22 / Rating: 459.5 /


My best friend looked at me and said, "My mouth tastes like Spring Break."

tags: humor college alcohol party best friend [add]

2008-12-04 13:19:40 / Rating: 682.25 /


Worse than the pain of the tattoo was the embarrassment that he had to shave my toe first.

tags: tattoo humor embarrassment [add]

2008-12-04 13:18:03 / Rating: 553.25 /


Seeing the unborn child sparkling in my husband's eyes I shrugged away and curled up in my bathrobe to finish the novel I didn't want to read.

tags: children marriage unprepared [add]

2008-12-04 13:16:40 / Rating: 425 /

The girl in the back

Having a panic attack on my school's "Mental Health Awareness Day" is just a little more ironic than I prefer.

tags: irony not the Alanis Morisette kind [add]

2008-12-04 13:15:55 / Rating: 615.25 /


I wasn't sure if him calling the local radio to talk to their psychic about me after 3 dates was cute or creepy.

tags: dating romance psychic relationships [add]

2008-12-04 13:15:12 / Rating: 534.5 /


With a melodramatic sigh, she declared she was a "bad vegetarian today" and wolfed down a double bacon cheeseburger, and I wondered how I could be so vehemently opposed to violence against animals and still want to punch this human in the mouth.

tags: vegetarian bad vegetarian food animals random violence [add]

2008-12-04 13:14:27 / Rating: 630 /


When I was a little girl, I used to feel bad for the sock I didn't put on first, so I would tell it nice things and switch whether I put on my right sock or my left sock on daily.

tags: childhood guilty socks feet clothing [add]

2008-12-03 15:07:40 / Rating: 1292.75 /


She ended our three-and-a-half year relationship on New Year's Day by telling me she never loved me, so I took back the engagement ring I had been carrying in my pocket and used the money to by a 55-inch plasma television.

tags: break ups relationships love television [add]

2008-12-03 15:06:55 / Rating: 1387.75 /

only me

When I realized you had a can of Chef Boyardee as a backup dinner for our first date, I knew I would love you.

tags: love first date humor [add]

2008-12-03 15:06:43 / Rating: 816 /


I realized how good I had it when found I could make a circle with my fingers around his bicep.

tags: Africa [add]

2008-12-03 13:30:20 / Rating: 318.5 /


I had never thought about the importance of my uterus until I was told it had to be removed.

tags: change women hysterectomy [add]

2008-12-03 13:29:42 / Rating: 443.5 /


We played ping-pong, trading loving trash across the table, and my ex-girlfriend looked on with what I hoped was a hint of jealousy.

tags: new love ping-pong fun jealousy [add]

2008-12-02 20:07:56 / Rating: 371 /


Less than twenty-four hours after I decided to go to Washington, I was staring down a line a riot police who saw a gang of ruddy punk kids as a threat to national security.

tags: protest police [add]

2008-12-02 20:07:15 / Rating: 378 /


I unfriended them all from my Facebook page because I didn't want them to share my joys or enjoy my sorrow.

tags: facebook college breakup friends loneliness empowerment finally [add]

2008-12-02 13:06:55 / Rating: 740.5 /


His mom friended me on Facebook a week after he broke my heart.

tags: humour heartbreak moms boyfriend Facebook [add]

2008-12-02 13:05:31 / Rating: 519.75 /

Speedy Clint

Thinking it as so unromantic that it WAS romantic, I proposed to my wife in the dark parking lot of the mall, one knee down on the wet pavement.

tags: marriage proposal [add]

2008-12-01 15:50:59 / Rating: 261.75 /


I didn't believe his name was Spontaneous Search Party, until he showed me his Medicare card.

tags: Medicare friend [add]

2008-12-01 15:48:16 / Rating: 469 /


I made a face and declared, "You have to CHOOSE to put your tongue up someone else's nose!"

tags: humor [add]

2008-12-01 15:45:33 / Rating: 353.5 /


I'm still not sure why a group of Australian teenagers have formed a cult based around me.

tags: cult [add]

2008-12-01 15:45:12 / Rating: 353.25 /

Murry's Mom

Judith told me later that the deaf woman wasn't blowing kisses at me, she was saying "thank you" in ASL.

tags: humor deaf people [add]

2008-12-01 12:06:55 / Rating: 413 /


As I lay in bed curled up in the fetal position, I realized that quitting smoking really was going to be that hard.

tags: humor cigarettes realization [add]

2008-12-01 10:06:32 / Rating: 478.75 /


That homeless man just wouldn't give back the guitar.

tags: homeless humor weird guitar olympia [add]

2008-12-01 10:01:46 / Rating: 512 /