Not a week after I got my first girlfriend, my sister got her's.
Not a week after I got my first girlfriend, my sister got her's.
You know your adult son is home visiting when you find an empty beer can in your shower.
Somewhere in the Colorado penal system, there is a man named David with my name tattooed on his chest.
My cat died almost a year ago, but I still find her hair on my clothes and blankets sometimes.
Of all the things to notice about yourself, the excessive use of floss seems a bit strange.
When the cashier at the grocery store called me "sir" without really looking at me, I was tempted to pull up my shirt and show her my boobs.
I've garnered two Emmy Awards plus two Associated Press awards and I'll always be known as the dude who hit the "perfect showcase bid" on The Price Is Right.
I didn't plan on losing my virginity after lunch at McDonald's but these things just sort of happen.
He'll never know how much time and effort goes into making homemade pierogis.
The ultimate conversation stopper award belongs to my Grampa, who silenced the Christmas dinner chatter with “…and you never saw a dog die so fast in all your life”.
The day after the accident, the newspaper described her as having "minor cuts and bruises," while I would have described her as "missing most of a leg."
After crying in a church parking lot for 20 minutes about the news of my best friend's death, someone from the church asked me to leave.
It took the internet to find out about my uncle's successful career in porn.
My priest decided that saying two hours of continuous rosaries was necessary for the safety of my soul after he found out what I did at my birthday party.
After he had calmed my fears of pooping in other peoples houses, I had to ask his mom where the plunger was.
I had to explain I'd lose my job as a swimming teacher if someone drowned in my class, again.
When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.
That night I fell out of bed and smacked my nose on the metal bedframe, and the next morning my dad joked that the toothfairy pushed me.
My cat challenged me to a game of "Guess Where I Pooped Before You Step In It" and I lost.
I've been pooped on by a hawk while wearing a $10,000 Oscar de le Renta gown.
When my Chinese host family told me, "no rice until you finish your beer," I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
Before I had a three year old child, I never imagined I'd discuss whether turtles have eyebrows.
I was copy editor of my yearbook and purposely spelled our class president's name wrong, just to make my depressed friend smile.
I only realized how strange my life was when I received a full scholarship for having a father in prison for murder.
My eight year soccer career ended with me scoring my very first goal after which I promptly threw up.
Finally, I get to sing a duet on stage with my friend with whom I've always wanted to sing a duet on stage.
After working at my church, I went to check on a car that was left running in the middle of the parking lot, but after glancing in the window, I departed quickly, hoping none of the priests would decide to investigate.
When my six-year-old brother puked squash all over our dining room table, Mom decided she did not wield the power to make us eat anything.
I hated my mom for selling our house, a little because I grew up there, but mostly because all of my pets were buried there, and the new people wouldn't care.
When I was little, my older brother had me convinced that the members of Hootie and the Blowfish were named Hootie, And, The, and Blowfish.
I watched a hideously cheesy episode of Lawrence Welk on PBS last night and loved every minute of it because it made me miss my grandfather a little less.
Although you are attractive, you are still a dog and you may not drink from my glass.
Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, Petunia, do NOT put ass cream on your face."
After just purchasing a used couch and attempting to pick it up, it's hard to believe the seller when he says the bottle of KY that fell out isn't theirs.
As we walked down the "Feminine Products" aisle, my 3-year-old son grabbed a box of panty liners off the shelf and said, "Look, Mama, Mouse Diapers!"
When he was a little kid, my now-gay brother asked my mom when he would turn into a girl.
We weren't sure how to tell the people at the other end that it was the cat who had knocked down the phone and dialed their number.
A yeast infection brought us together and bad spelling broke us apart.
Fear and heartbreak clutched at me as they tightened the handcuffs on my wrists and took my baby girl away - because I'd been responsible enough to bring her to the hospital.
I knew he had potential when, instead of being creeped out, he was fascinated by the antique glass eye I carry around in my purse.
"You're a lot prettier than I remember" isn't a great way to start a first date.
Staring at my brand new iPod, now submerged in a public toilet, I wondered to myself why I ever thought it was a good idea to bring it into the bathrrom in the first place.
Ten years ago, I laughingly swore that I would never date anyone with the same name as me, and ten days ago, I happily broke this vow.
The four of us were in the bar drinking for at least thirty minutes before we realized it was a gay bar.
If I could've stopped laughing long enough, it may have occurred to me that perhaps my quacking dog needed to see a vet.
Although drunken ideas rarely come to fruition, we found ourselves on Pearl Street the next morning serving syrupy handfuls of my famous pumpkin spice french toast to the homeless, wandering souls dotting the sidewalks.
We canvassed, phone banked, walked miles in all different weather conditions, all for what is happening today.
I imagine the public service crew pruning trees was surprised when the zoo borrowed their lift platform to get a cheetah out of a tree.
There was a beautiful quote by Martin Luther King on TV last night, but it was cut short midsentence because King of Queens was starting.
To which I answered, "We now can communicate in code undetected by our adversaries and allies alike, simply by inputting a single sentence, to be posted on an unread, underfunded, underground governmental experiment in the form of a web page".
Today, after weeks of avoiding the required parts of my assignment, I had to ask my socially-awkward Japanese pen pal about his sex life.
We didn't wait till our wedding night and we were a little late for our reception.
Just because she just had surgery didn't mean I had to let her win during the Uno tournament.
I don't think "Whoa" is a standard response to "I love you," but it was the only one I could come up with at the time.
"I'm not sure how I'm going to buy them Christmas presents this year" she said, after realizing that he owed her over $6,000 in child support.
Despite his exasperation, I enjoyed the irony of holding the door for the hotel doorman.
I didn't recognize the voice or the number, but the message said, "I just thought you might like to know I'm pregnant."
My dog must have known who I slept with, as even he wouldn't look me in the eye the next morning.
When I opened the door I noticed 2 things: one, someone had made cookies, and two, all the furniture was missing, in that order.
After the handcuffs were removed and I got all the asphalt out of my teeth, I learned the startled reaction of the police officers was due to the fact that I had been reported as a dead body on the side of the road.
Suspecting OCD, I tried mismatching my grey-striped monogram-banded blue socks with my grey-striped monogram-banded blue boxers.
Every time a college sends me a package for my outstanding scores I laugh because I horribly misspelled my own name.
We put our clothes back on so fast that if we hadn't hesitated in his room, panicking, his parents might never have found out.
He wrote, "See you next year when you're a boy and I'm a girl."
My uncle did more for me in one day than my father did in twenty-three years.
I can't believe that you smiling at me was the highlight of a day where I got an A on a test, found twenty bucks, and won a debate.
Unfortunately, none of us saw the sign that said "NO ROCK CLIMBING" until after the park ranger pulled up below us.
Just when I thought I'd never get to type, "Dude, I KNOW that girl," I found pictures of her in a seedy corner of the internet.
As I sat in the bushes in front of his house, I realized I had no idea what this was going to accomplish other than creeping him out.
I just burped the most amazing burp and sadly no one was in my house to hear it.
Calling planned parenthood was way easier than trying to talk to my mother, a former sex ed teacher, about birth control.
He gave me a pair of shiny diamonds for Christmas, but I would have preferred a pair of shiny running shoes.
The most vivid thing that sticks out in my mind about the morning my father told me my best friend had died is that I couldn't finish my breakfast.
Three years into my English major, I finally ran out of BS.
I asked my friend if I could use his computer for a second only to find the words "how to properly pick your nose" in the google search queue.
The other day I got into the shower with my bra on and I didn't even notice.
Three days later, I couldn't see his eyes, only his sunglasses and smile, two things that he wasn't wearing when he tried to rape me.
I really didn't mean to get the fake Prada purse vendor arrested.
My wedding began after his ex-girlfriend was removed from the church and ended after I lit my veil on fire with the Unity candle.
Despite my family spending a lot of money on a name-brand toaster when I was a child, the half-broken Mickey Mouse toaster my husband found in our apartment building's dumpster makes the best toast I've ever had.
My sister used to joke about how I should get a gay boyfriend, but she stopped joking when I finally told her about my gay girlfriend.
I once played DanceDanceRevolution for 4 hours straight then jumped off a balcony into a pool, only to almost drown because the muscles in both my legs stopped working the moment I hit the water.
My dog died tonight and I cried longer and harder than I did when my Grandpa passed.
I thought it was pretty cool when my dad told me he had joined a band, until he informed me that he would be playing the spoons and the triangle.
Supporting gay rights does not make me a lesbian any more than supporting the civil rights movement made my mother black, you idiot.
There was a night early in my childhood when I was certain my mother was going to commit suicide.
My teacher told me my excuse was more bogus than a story she had read on One Sentence, which happened to be the truest thing I had ever written.
That at fourteen she's still afraid of thunderstorms is sad, but the reason why is sadder.
For Christmas my husband gave me a broken jaw, bruises and a new life as a single mother.
My dog and my little brother practically grew up together, and now that she's gone, he doesn't have a playmate.
I just finished a project on bees, and now that I've learned how they make honey, previously one of my favorite foods, I never want to eat it again.
What my government teacher doesn't know is that when he's lecturing about Roe vs. Wade, I'm wondering what size tutu would be needed to accommodate his mass.
I dusted for the first time in seven years, and then realized that I hadn't been allergic to my cat.
My grandpa choked up as he said, "House plants grow better when the house is filled with love, and I've never seen the house plants grow as well as they have since you moved in a year ago."
When I was 10-years-old, I gave my mom a note that said, "You are a bich!" and she laughed and showed me my mistake.
One of my best friends in high school killed himself after the only girl he ever asked out turned him down at the risk of being less popular, which is a shame because he would have been the best first boyfriend I ever had.
In spite of the damage to my car and my body, I couldn't help but laugh at becoming the second person in my family to hit a Burger King.
He asked me out online, but that was okay becuase I stood up and did a little victory dance that I did not want anyone to see.
After the accident, still in a drunken stupor, he asked the cop how the police got there so fast, to which the officer replied, "You hit MY car."
On Valentine's Day, five years ago, I was in the heart wing of a hospital because the caffeine in all of the chocolate candy I had eaten threw my heart out of rhythm.