Danny
Not a week after I got my first girlfriend, my sister got her's.
2009-01-30 14:46:00 / Rating: 457.5 / 
Story archives - January 2009
I shake my head & smile
You know your adult son is home visiting when you find an empty beer can in your shower.
2009-01-30 14:44:37 / Rating: 451.25 /
Teresa
Somewhere in the Colorado penal system, there is a man named David with my name tattooed on his chest.
2009-01-30 14:42:47 / Rating: 379.5 /
Ubiquitous
My cat died almost a year ago, but I still find her hair on my clothes and blankets sometimes.
2009-01-30 12:46:44 / Rating: 401.75 /
Melissa
Of all the things to notice about yourself, the excessive use of floss seems a bit strange.
2009-01-30 12:46:38 / Rating: 145.5 /
Customer service
When the cashier at the grocery store called me "sir" without really looking at me, I was tempted to pull up my shirt and show her my boobs.
2009-01-30 12:46:12 / Rating: 443.75 /
Nevadawx
I've garnered two Emmy Awards plus two Associated Press awards and I'll always be known as the dude who hit the "perfect showcase bid" on The Price Is Right.
2009-01-30 11:11:11 / Rating: 312.5 /
ks
I didn't plan on losing my virginity after lunch at McDonald's but these things just sort of happen.
2009-01-30 11:09:31 / Rating: 448.75 /
Kiev
He'll never know how much time and effort goes into making homemade pierogis.
2009-01-29 16:43:58 / Rating: 204.25 /
Sorcha
The ultimate conversation stopper award belongs to my Grampa, who silenced the Christmas dinner chatter with “…and you never saw a dog die so fast in all your life”.
2009-01-29 16:23:43 / Rating: 294.75 /
NoOneInParticular
The day after the accident, the newspaper described her as having "minor cuts and bruises," while I would have described her as "missing most of a leg."
2009-01-29 16:16:08 / Rating: 269.25 /
Cassandra
After crying in a church parking lot for 20 minutes about the news of my best friend's death, someone from the church asked me to leave.
2009-01-29 16:15:36 / Rating: 611 /
Nate
It took the internet to find out about my uncle's successful career in porn.
2009-01-29 10:52:59 / Rating: 428.25 /
Aissi
My priest decided that saying two hours of continuous rosaries was necessary for the safety of my soul after he found out what I did at my birthday party.
2009-01-29 10:03:08 / Rating: 215 /
Sid
After he had calmed my fears of pooping in other peoples houses, I had to ask his mom where the plunger was.
2009-01-29 09:59:45 / Rating: 268.5 /
annalee
I had to explain I'd lose my job as a swimming teacher if someone drowned in my class, again.
2009-01-29 09:57:54 / Rating: 184.25 /
Sorcha
When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.
2009-01-28 16:28:39 / Rating: 1952.75 /
lost a tooth
That night I fell out of bed and smacked my nose on the metal bedframe, and the next morning my dad joked that the toothfairy pushed me.
2009-01-28 16:28:05 / Rating: 260 /
wildpen
My cat challenged me to a game of "Guess Where I Pooped Before You Step In It" and I lost.
2009-01-28 16:26:35 / Rating: 792.25 /
Annie
I've been pooped on by a hawk while wearing a $10,000 Oscar de le Renta gown.
2009-01-28 16:25:03 / Rating: 188.25 /
KPL
When my Chinese host family told me, "no rice until you finish your beer," I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
2009-01-28 12:31:05 / Rating: 538.75 /
Tim
Before I had a three year old child, I never imagined I'd discuss whether turtles have eyebrows.
2009-01-28 12:30:11 / Rating: 930 /
sonora
I was copy editor of my yearbook and purposely spelled our class president's name wrong, just to make my depressed friend smile.
2009-01-28 12:29:39 / Rating: 394.25 /
irony
I only realized how strange my life was when I received a full scholarship for having a father in prison for murder.
2009-01-28 12:27:26 / Rating: 502.75 /
jb
My eight year soccer career ended with me scoring my very first goal after which I promptly threw up.
2009-01-28 12:24:14 / Rating: 185.75 /
Fantine
Finally, I get to sing a duet on stage with my friend with whom I've always wanted to sing a duet on stage.
2009-01-27 11:30:07 / Rating: 79.5 /
Church Girl
After working at my church, I went to check on a car that was left running in the middle of the parking lot, but after glancing in the window, I departed quickly, hoping none of the priests would decide to investigate.
2009-01-27 10:27:41 / Rating: 174.5 /
When my six-year-old brother puked squash all over our dining room table, Mom decided she did not wield the power to make us eat anything.
2009-01-26 09:48:11 / Rating: 238.5 /
callmejackieo
My dog was almost hit by a hearse today.
2009-01-26 09:37:22 / Rating: 204 /
Djagurl
I hated my mom for selling our house, a little because I grew up there, but mostly because all of my pets were buried there, and the new people wouldn't care.
2009-01-26 09:34:40 / Rating: 301.5 /
Gullible
When I was little, my older brother had me convinced that the members of Hootie and the Blowfish were named Hootie, And, The, and Blowfish.
2009-01-26 09:34:19 / Rating: 237 /
Golf Widow
I watched a hideously cheesy episode of Lawrence Welk on PBS last night and loved every minute of it because it made me miss my grandfather a little less.
2009-01-26 09:31:36 / Rating: 212.75 /
Puppy Love
Although you are attractive, you are still a dog and you may not drink from my glass.
2009-01-23 14:23:48 / Rating: 522 /
LaDeeDa
Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, Petunia, do NOT put ass cream on your face."
2009-01-23 14:22:40 / Rating: 1542 /
Hidden Treatures
After just purchasing a used couch and attempting to pick it up, it's hard to believe the seller when he says the bottle of KY that fell out isn't theirs.
2009-01-23 14:20:26 / Rating: 184 /
HollyGirl
As we walked down the "Feminine Products" aisle, my 3-year-old son grabbed a box of panty liners off the shelf and said, "Look, Mama, Mouse Diapers!"
2009-01-23 14:19:42 / Rating: 278.25 /
Dearie Me
When he was a little kid, my now-gay brother asked my mom when he would turn into a girl.
2009-01-23 11:45:22 / Rating: 417.25 /
zanna
We weren't sure how to tell the people at the other end that it was the cat who had knocked down the phone and dialed their number.
2009-01-23 11:44:17 / Rating: 205.75 /
Libra
When I was eleven years old, the closet attacked me.
2009-01-22 12:29:05 / Rating: 194.25 /
The Ocean
A yeast infection brought us together and bad spelling broke us apart.
2009-01-22 12:28:19 / Rating: 168.5 /
lonelymama
Fear and heartbreak clutched at me as they tightened the handcuffs on my wrists and took my baby girl away - because I'd been responsible enough to bring her to the hospital.
2009-01-22 10:54:35 / Rating: 271.25 /
Jessica
I knew he had potential when, instead of being creeped out, he was fascinated by the antique glass eye I carry around in my purse.
2009-01-21 15:05:19 / Rating: 291 /
ksiebs
"You're a lot prettier than I remember" isn't a great way to start a first date.
2009-01-21 15:04:38 / Rating: 166.75 /
rin
All he said was, "Jonathan died today at one."
2009-01-21 15:03:47 / Rating: 159 /
June
Staring at my brand new iPod, now submerged in a public toilet, I wondered to myself why I ever thought it was a good idea to bring it into the bathrrom in the first place.
2009-01-21 15:03:37 / Rating: 222.25 /
The guy wearing the bowler hat
Ten years ago, I laughingly swore that I would never date anyone with the same name as me, and ten days ago, I happily broke this vow.
2009-01-21 15:02:30 / Rating: 200.5 /
Tom
The four of us were in the bar drinking for at least thirty minutes before we realized it was a gay bar.
2009-01-21 14:28:40 / Rating: 243.75 /
hungover
I slept through the inauguration.
2009-01-20 14:53:15 / Rating: 245.75 /
So Many!
If I could've stopped laughing long enough, it may have occurred to me that perhaps my quacking dog needed to see a vet.
2009-01-20 12:43:09 / Rating: 297 /
Tanyusha
Although drunken ideas rarely come to fruition, we found ourselves on Pearl Street the next morning serving syrupy handfuls of my famous pumpkin spice french toast to the homeless, wandering souls dotting the sidewalks.
2009-01-20 12:31:27 / Rating: 229.5 /
Yes we did
We canvassed, phone banked, walked miles in all different weather conditions, all for what is happening today.
2009-01-20 12:30:24 / Rating: 207.5 /
Anke Wehner
I imagine the public service crew pruning trees was surprised when the zoo borrowed their lift platform to get a cheetah out of a tree.
2009-01-20 12:30:15 / Rating: 180.75 /
Jen
There was a beautiful quote by Martin Luther King on TV last night, but it was cut short midsentence because King of Queens was starting.
2009-01-20 12:29:19 / Rating: 190.5 /
Herr Benötigen Sie Mehr Getränke
To which I answered, "We now can communicate in code undetected by our adversaries and allies alike, simply by inputting a single sentence, to be posted on an unread, underfunded, underground governmental experiment in the form of a web page".
2009-01-20 12:29:03 / Rating: 180.25 /
Happy Leif Erikson Day!
Today, after weeks of avoiding the required parts of my assignment, I had to ask my socially-awkward Japanese pen pal about his sex life.
2009-01-19 15:17:28 / Rating: 212 /
Turquoise
We didn't wait till our wedding night and we were a little late for our reception.
2009-01-19 15:10:37 / Rating: 550.75 /
Sissy
Just because she just had surgery didn't mean I had to let her win during the Uno tournament.
2009-01-19 15:09:33 / Rating: 251 /
MJ
I don't think "Whoa" is a standard response to "I love you," but it was the only one I could come up with at the time.
2009-01-19 15:09:07 / Rating: 502.25 /
Frustrated
"I'm not sure how I'm going to buy them Christmas presents this year" she said, after realizing that he owed her over $6,000 in child support.
2009-01-19 15:06:50 / Rating: -581.25 /
madison
Despite his exasperation, I enjoyed the irony of holding the door for the hotel doorman.
2009-01-19 15:04:14 / Rating: 271.5 /
Reed
I didn't recognize the voice or the number, but the message said, "I just thought you might like to know I'm pregnant."
2009-01-19 15:03:58 / Rating: 269 /
LL
My dog must have known who I slept with, as even he wouldn't look me in the eye the next morning.
2009-01-16 12:23:49 / Rating: 457.75 /
Me
When I opened the door I noticed 2 things: one, someone had made cookies, and two, all the furniture was missing, in that order.
2009-01-16 12:23:23 / Rating: 724.75 /
no...i'm still breathing
After the handcuffs were removed and I got all the asphalt out of my teeth, I learned the startled reaction of the police officers was due to the fact that I had been reported as a dead body on the side of the road.
2009-01-16 12:22:35 / Rating: 256 /
selambaness
Suspecting OCD, I tried mismatching my grey-striped monogram-banded blue socks with my grey-striped monogram-banded blue boxers.
2009-01-16 11:09:11 / Rating: 183.25 /
Pup
Every time a college sends me a package for my outstanding scores I laugh because I horribly misspelled my own name.
2009-01-16 10:58:04 / Rating: 243 /
Alix
We put our clothes back on so fast that if we hadn't hesitated in his room, panicking, his parents might never have found out.
2009-01-16 10:56:37 / Rating: 188.75 /
Rai
He wrote, "See you next year when you're a boy and I'm a girl."
2009-01-15 12:37:28 / Rating: 274.75 /
Those Eyes
My uncle did more for me in one day than my father did in twenty-three years.
2009-01-15 12:36:58 / Rating: 149.75 /
Sleepless in Seattle
I can't believe that you smiling at me was the highlight of a day where I got an A on a test, found twenty bucks, and won a debate.
2009-01-15 12:35:16 / Rating: 849.5 /
climb it anyway
Unfortunately, none of us saw the sign that said "NO ROCK CLIMBING" until after the park ranger pulled up below us.
2009-01-15 12:33:27 / Rating: 136.75 /
Anon
Just when I thought I'd never get to type, "Dude, I KNOW that girl," I found pictures of her in a seedy corner of the internet.
2009-01-15 12:32:37 / Rating: 178.5 /
Lucy
As I sat in the bushes in front of his house, I realized I had no idea what this was going to accomplish other than creeping him out.
2009-01-14 09:14:30 / Rating: 238.5 /
Kerri
I just burped the most amazing burp and sadly no one was in my house to hear it.
2009-01-14 09:14:01 / Rating: 245.5 /
Iris
Calling planned parenthood was way easier than trying to talk to my mother, a former sex ed teacher, about birth control.
2009-01-14 09:11:36 / Rating: 139.75 /
Aardvark
He gave me a pair of shiny diamonds for Christmas, but I would have preferred a pair of shiny running shoes.
2009-01-14 09:10:29 / Rating: 156.75 /
MorganMaroon
The most vivid thing that sticks out in my mind about the morning my father told me my best friend had died is that I couldn't finish my breakfast.
2009-01-12 15:30:54 / Rating: 175.5 /
Ryan
Three years into my English major, I finally ran out of BS.
2009-01-12 15:30:20 / Rating: 1722.5 /
Sam
I asked my friend if I could use his computer for a second only to find the words "how to properly pick your nose" in the google search queue.
2009-01-12 15:26:37 / Rating: 235 /
the girl
The other day I got into the shower with my bra on and I didn't even notice.
2009-01-12 15:25:16 / Rating: 255.25 /
Shame
Three days later, I couldn't see his eyes, only his sunglasses and smile, two things that he wasn't wearing when he tried to rape me.
2009-01-12 15:25:06 / Rating: 185.75 /
Teacher
I really didn't mean to get the fake Prada purse vendor arrested.
2009-01-12 15:23:55 / Rating: 295.25 /
Teacher
My wedding began after his ex-girlfriend was removed from the church and ended after I lit my veil on fire with the Unity candle.
2009-01-12 15:23:47 / Rating: 533.25 /
ps
As she walked away, the words never came out.
2009-01-09 11:20:59 / Rating: 245.5 /
hanford
Despite my family spending a lot of money on a name-brand toaster when I was a child, the half-broken Mickey Mouse toaster my husband found in our apartment building's dumpster makes the best toast I've ever had.
2009-01-09 11:20:49 / Rating: 203 /
that chick in the corner
My sister used to joke about how I should get a gay boyfriend, but she stopped joking when I finally told her about my gay girlfriend.
2009-01-09 11:18:42 / Rating: 439.5 /
lifeguard!
I once played DanceDanceRevolution for 4 hours straight then jumped off a balcony into a pool, only to almost drown because the muscles in both my legs stopped working the moment I hit the water.
2009-01-09 11:16:39 / Rating: 262.25 /
Kate
My dog died tonight and I cried longer and harder than I did when my Grandpa passed.
2009-01-08 15:51:22 / Rating: 370.25 /
Autumn
I thought it was pretty cool when my dad told me he had joined a band, until he informed me that he would be playing the spoons and the triangle.
2009-01-07 12:46:26 / Rating: 362.75 /
the bible belt
Supporting gay rights does not make me a lesbian any more than supporting the civil rights movement made my mother black, you idiot.
2009-01-07 12:45:59 / Rating: 2292 /
Rachel
There was a night early in my childhood when I was certain my mother was going to commit suicide.
2009-01-07 12:44:53 / Rating: 176.5 /
Mattie
My teacher told me my excuse was more bogus than a story she had read on One Sentence, which happened to be the truest thing I had ever written.
2009-01-07 11:40:56 / Rating: 251.75 /
Monsieur Rick
That at fourteen she's still afraid of thunderstorms is sad, but the reason why is sadder.
2009-01-07 11:40:04 / Rating: 191.25 /
Nette
For Christmas my husband gave me a broken jaw, bruises and a new life as a single mother.
2009-01-07 10:13:21 / Rating: 427.25 /
Sarah
My dog and my little brother practically grew up together, and now that she's gone, he doesn't have a playmate.
2009-01-07 09:36:33 / Rating: 152.75 /
pumpkin
I just finished a project on bees, and now that I've learned how they make honey, previously one of my favorite foods, I never want to eat it again.
2009-01-07 09:35:31 / Rating: 151.75 /
pumpkin
What my government teacher doesn't know is that when he's lecturing about Roe vs. Wade, I'm wondering what size tutu would be needed to accommodate his mass.
2009-01-07 09:35:17 / Rating: 223.5 /
R M Thatcher
I dusted for the first time in seven years, and then realized that I hadn't been allergic to my cat.
2009-01-05 08:44:46 / Rating: 323.25 /
jfirth
My grandpa choked up as he said, "House plants grow better when the house is filled with love, and I've never seen the house plants grow as well as they have since you moved in a year ago."
2009-01-05 08:44:29 / Rating: 770 /
Jenna Bean
When I was 10-years-old, I gave my mom a note that said, "You are a bich!" and she laughed and showed me my mistake.
2009-01-05 08:43:59 / Rating: 640.5 /
My only regret.
One of my best friends in high school killed himself after the only girl he ever asked out turned him down at the risk of being less popular, which is a shame because he would have been the best first boyfriend I ever had.
2009-01-05 08:42:49 / Rating: 916.5 /
Warren Taylor
In spite of the damage to my car and my body, I couldn't help but laugh at becoming the second person in my family to hit a Burger King.
2009-01-05 08:41:17 / Rating: 619.5 /
Sasha
He asked me out online, but that was okay becuase I stood up and did a little victory dance that I did not want anyone to see.
2009-01-02 12:57:07 / Rating: 635.25 /
SHS LukeE
After the accident, still in a drunken stupor, he asked the cop how the police got there so fast, to which the officer replied, "You hit MY car."
2009-01-02 12:56:54 / Rating: 599 /
Crysathen
On Valentine's Day, five years ago, I was in the heart wing of a hospital because the caffeine in all of the chocolate candy I had eaten threw my heart out of rhythm.
2009-01-02 12:54:52 / Rating: 213.25 /
Michelle
When the priest said my parents didn't raise me right because I was planning to marry a Baptist, I stopped being Catholic.
2009-01-02 10:00:33 / Rating: 462.5 /