Story archives - January 2009


Not a week after I got my first girlfriend, my sister got her's.

tags: lesbian sister girlfriend [add]

2009-01-30 14:46:00 / Rating: 869.5 /

I shake my head & smile

You know your adult son is home visiting when you find an empty beer can in your shower.

tags: humor visiting beer adult son mother [add]

2009-01-30 14:44:37 / Rating: 839.5 /


Somewhere in the Colorado penal system, there is a man named David with my name tattooed on his chest.

tags: humor lost love prison tattoo [add]

2009-01-30 14:42:47 / Rating: 757.25 /


My cat died almost a year ago, but I still find her hair on my clothes and blankets sometimes.

tags: cat death hair [add]

2009-01-30 12:46:44 / Rating: 823.25 /


Of all the things to notice about yourself, the excessive use of floss seems a bit strange.

tags: habits dental health floss [add]

2009-01-30 12:46:38 / Rating: 280.25 /

Customer service

When the cashier at the grocery store called me "sir" without really looking at me, I was tempted to pull up my shirt and show her my boobs.

tags: groceries customer attention [add]

2009-01-30 12:46:12 / Rating: 650.25 /


I've garnered two Emmy Awards plus two Associated Press awards and I'll always be known as the dude who hit the "perfect showcase bid" on The Price Is Right.

tags: life strange weird humor [add]

2009-01-30 11:11:11 / Rating: 763 /


I didn't plan on losing my virginity after lunch at McDonald's but these things just sort of happen.

tags: lunch virginity sex [add]

2009-01-30 11:09:31 / Rating: 807.75 /


He'll never know how much time and effort goes into making homemade pierogis.

tags: dinner blood sweat tears humor [add]

2009-01-29 16:43:58 / Rating: 611 /


The ultimate conversation stopper award belongs to my Grampa, who silenced the Christmas dinner chatter with “…and you never saw a dog die so fast in all your life”.

tags: humour shocking grandfather Christmas [add]

2009-01-29 16:23:43 / Rating: 634.5 /


The day after the accident, the newspaper described her as having "minor cuts and bruises," while I would have described her as "missing most of a leg."

tags: reporting accident [add]

2009-01-29 16:16:08 / Rating: 488 /


After crying in a church parking lot for 20 minutes about the news of my best friend's death, someone from the church asked me to leave.

tags: death inconsiderate shock grief [add]

2009-01-29 16:15:36 / Rating: 1122 /


It took the internet to find out about my uncle's successful career in porn.

tags: porn uncle internet [add]

2009-01-29 10:52:59 / Rating: 665.5 /


My priest decided that saying two hours of continuous rosaries was necessary for the safety of my soul after he found out what I did at my birthday party.

tags: religion [add]

2009-01-29 10:03:08 / Rating: 492.75 /


After he had calmed my fears of pooping in other peoples houses, I had to ask his mom where the plunger was.

tags: pooping overflow boyfriend's mom embarassed [add]

2009-01-29 09:59:45 / Rating: 495.25 /


I had to explain I'd lose my job as a swimming teacher if someone drowned in my class, again.

tags: swimming job work humor [add]

2009-01-29 09:57:54 / Rating: 576.25 /


When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.

tags: humor breastfeeding staring coffee [add]

2009-01-28 16:28:39 / Rating: 3787.5 /

lost a tooth

That night I fell out of bed and smacked my nose on the metal bedframe, and the next morning my dad joked that the toothfairy pushed me.

tags: humor childhood dad toothfairy [add]

2009-01-28 16:28:05 / Rating: 661.25 /


My cat challenged me to a game of "Guess Where I Pooped Before You Step In It" and I lost.

tags: cat humor [add]

2009-01-28 16:26:35 / Rating: 1183.5 /


I've been pooped on by a hawk while wearing a $10,000 Oscar de le Renta gown.

tags: animals people [add]

2009-01-28 16:25:03 / Rating: 393.25 /


When my Chinese host family told me, "no rice until you finish your beer," I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

tags: China rice beer [add]

2009-01-28 12:31:05 / Rating: 838.75 /


Before I had a three year old child, I never imagined I'd discuss whether turtles have eyebrows.

tags: humor parenthood turtles [add]

2009-01-28 12:30:11 / Rating: 1393 /


I was copy editor of my yearbook and purposely spelled our class president's name wrong, just to make my depressed friend smile.

tags: friend high school yearbook [add]

2009-01-28 12:29:39 / Rating: 705.25 /


I only realized how strange my life was when I received a full scholarship for having a father in prison for murder.

tags: college irony financial aid murder [add]

2009-01-28 12:27:26 / Rating: 910.25 /


My eight year soccer career ended with me scoring my very first goal after which I promptly threw up.

tags: soccer humor vomit [add]

2009-01-28 12:24:14 / Rating: 456.5 /


Finally, I get to sing a duet on stage with my friend with whom I've always wanted to sing a duet on stage.

tags: duet friend theater [add]

2009-01-27 11:30:07 / Rating: 324.5 /

Church Girl

After working at my church, I went to check on a car that was left running in the middle of the parking lot, but after glancing in the window, I departed quickly, hoping none of the priests would decide to investigate.

tags: church parking lot making out not-so-holy behavior [add]

2009-01-27 10:27:41 / Rating: 415.25 /

When my six-year-old brother puked squash all over our dining room table, Mom decided she did not wield the power to make us eat anything.

tags: humor childhood squash [add]

2009-01-26 09:48:11 / Rating: 625 /


My dog was almost hit by a hearse today.

tags: irony dog death hearse close call [add]

2009-01-26 09:37:22 / Rating: 636.5 /


I hated my mom for selling our house, a little because I grew up there, but mostly because all of my pets were buried there, and the new people wouldn't care.

tags: pets childhood mom [add]

2009-01-26 09:34:40 / Rating: 796 /


When I was little, my older brother had me convinced that the members of Hootie and the Blowfish were named Hootie, And, The, and Blowfish.

tags: humor gullible brother childhood hootie [add]

2009-01-26 09:34:19 / Rating: 671 /

Golf Widow

I watched a hideously cheesy episode of Lawrence Welk on PBS last night and loved every minute of it because it made me miss my grandfather a little less.

tags: childhood family death [add]

2009-01-26 09:31:36 / Rating: 651.5 /

Puppy Love

Although you are attractive, you are still a dog and you may not drink from my glass.

tags: dogs begging [add]

2009-01-23 14:23:48 / Rating: 819.25 /


Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, Petunia, do NOT put ass cream on your face."

tags: Mother death under eye bags hospital grief humor ass cream [add]

2009-01-23 14:22:40 / Rating: 3593.25 /

Hidden Treatures

After just purchasing a used couch and attempting to pick it up, it's hard to believe the seller when he says the bottle of KY that fell out isn't theirs.

tags: humour couch furniture ky lube [add]

2009-01-23 14:20:26 / Rating: 444.5 /


As we walked down the "Feminine Products" aisle, my 3-year-old son grabbed a box of panty liners off the shelf and said, "Look, Mama, Mouse Diapers!"

tags: humor kids [add]

2009-01-23 14:19:42 / Rating: 617.75 /

Dearie Me

When he was a little kid, my now-gay brother asked my mom when he would turn into a girl.

tags: childhood brother gay [add]

2009-01-23 11:45:22 / Rating: 900 /


We weren't sure how to tell the people at the other end that it was the cat who had knocked down the phone and dialed their number.

tags: cat [add]

2009-01-23 11:44:17 / Rating: 435 /


When I was eleven years old, the closet attacked me.

tags: childhood closet collapse cheap shelving [add]

2009-01-22 12:29:05 / Rating: 568 /

The Ocean

A yeast infection brought us together and bad spelling broke us apart.

tags: humor relationships low tolerance [add]

2009-01-22 12:28:19 / Rating: 471.25 /


Fear and heartbreak clutched at me as they tightened the handcuffs on my wrists and took my baby girl away - because I'd been responsible enough to bring her to the hospital.

tags: child daughter arrest police hospital abuse handcuffs [add]

2009-01-22 10:54:35 / Rating: 705.25 /


I knew he had potential when, instead of being creeped out, he was fascinated by the antique glass eye I carry around in my purse.

tags: glass eye prosthetic eye purse first date antique potential [add]

2009-01-21 15:05:19 / Rating: 580.5 /


"You're a lot prettier than I remember" isn't a great way to start a first date.

tags: date pretty [add]

2009-01-21 15:04:38 / Rating: 371.25 /


All he said was, "Jonathan died today at one."

tags: death cancer friends high school [add]

2009-01-21 15:03:47 / Rating: 522 /


Staring at my brand new iPod, now submerged in a public toilet, I wondered to myself why I ever thought it was a good idea to bring it into the bathrrom in the first place.

tags: bathroom idiot ipod maybe funny later [add]

2009-01-21 15:03:37 / Rating: 437 /

The guy wearing the bowler hat

Ten years ago, I laughingly swore that I would never date anyone with the same name as me, and ten days ago, I happily broke this vow.

tags: romance name dating love [add]

2009-01-21 15:02:30 / Rating: 617.25 /


The four of us were in the bar drinking for at least thirty minutes before we realized it was a gay bar.

tags: New Orleans drinking gay [add]

2009-01-21 14:28:40 / Rating: 586.5 /


I slept through the inauguration.

tags: high missed history obama fucking pothead [add]

2009-01-20 14:53:15 / Rating: 516.75 /

So Many!

If I could've stopped laughing long enough, it may have occurred to me that perhaps my quacking dog needed to see a vet.

tags: humor dog quack vet [add]

2009-01-20 12:43:09 / Rating: 704.25 /


Although drunken ideas rarely come to fruition, we found ourselves on Pearl Street the next morning serving syrupy handfuls of my famous pumpkin spice french toast to the homeless, wandering souls dotting the sidewalks.

tags: homeless boulder colorado french toast drunken ideas [add]

2009-01-20 12:31:27 / Rating: 433 /

Yes we did

We canvassed, phone banked, walked miles in all different weather conditions, all for what is happening today.

tags: Obama [add]

2009-01-20 12:30:24 / Rating: 376 /

Anke Wehner

I imagine the public service crew pruning trees was surprised when the zoo borrowed their lift platform to get a cheetah out of a tree.

tags: animal cat zoo [add]

2009-01-20 12:30:15 / Rating: 444.75 /


There was a beautiful quote by Martin Luther King on TV last night, but it was cut short midsentence because King of Queens was starting.

tags: MLK television what is the world coming to [add]

2009-01-20 12:29:19 / Rating: 371.25 /

Herr Benötigen Sie Mehr Getränke

To which I answered, "We now can communicate in code undetected by our adversaries and allies alike, simply by inputting a single sentence, to be posted on an unread, underfunded, underground governmental experiment in the form of a web page".

tags: ed secret humor inside joke communique meta [add]

2009-01-20 12:29:03 / Rating: 521.75 /

Happy Leif Erikson Day!

Today, after weeks of avoiding the required parts of my assignment, I had to ask my socially-awkward Japanese pen pal about his sex life.

tags: college immature Japanese boys sex whatever gets me an A [add]

2009-01-19 15:17:28 / Rating: 503.75 /


We didn't wait till our wedding night and we were a little late for our reception.

tags: sex marriage love relationships romance humour [add]

2009-01-19 15:10:37 / Rating: 1113.5 /


Just because she just had surgery didn't mean I had to let her win during the Uno tournament.

tags: sisters cancer humor competition [add]

2009-01-19 15:09:33 / Rating: 662.75 /


I don't think "Whoa" is a standard response to "I love you," but it was the only one I could come up with at the time.

tags: i love you reaction surprise [add]

2009-01-19 15:09:07 / Rating: 713.75 /


"I'm not sure how I'm going to buy them Christmas presents this year" she said, after realizing that he owed her over $6,000 in child support.

tags: child support christmas single parent [add]

2009-01-19 15:06:50 / Rating: -391.75 /


Despite his exasperation, I enjoyed the irony of holding the door for the hotel doorman.

tags: awkward humor social etiquette [add]

2009-01-19 15:04:14 / Rating: 609 /


I didn't recognize the voice or the number, but the message said, "I just thought you might like to know I'm pregnant."

tags: pregnant voicemail surprise [add]

2009-01-19 15:03:58 / Rating: 461.25 /


My dog must have known who I slept with, as even he wouldn't look me in the eye the next morning.

tags: dog knows [add]

2009-01-16 12:23:49 / Rating: 593.5 /


When I opened the door I noticed 2 things: one, someone had made cookies, and two, all the furniture was missing, in that order.

tags: humor theft delicious baked goods [add]

2009-01-16 12:23:23 / Rating: 1028.25 /

no...i'm still breathing

After the handcuffs were removed and I got all the asphalt out of my teeth, I learned the startled reaction of the police officers was due to the fact that I had been reported as a dead body on the side of the road.

tags: oops police accident [add]

2009-01-16 12:22:35 / Rating: 546 /


Suspecting OCD, I tried mismatching my grey-striped monogram-banded blue socks with my grey-striped monogram-banded blue boxers.

tags: humor ocd socks [add]

2009-01-16 11:09:11 / Rating: 480.75 /


Every time a college sends me a package for my outstanding scores I laugh because I horribly misspelled my own name.

tags: college oops misspelling [add]

2009-01-16 10:58:04 / Rating: 533.25 /


We put our clothes back on so fast that if we hadn't hesitated in his room, panicking, his parents might never have found out.

tags: humor sex teenagers parents [add]

2009-01-16 10:56:37 / Rating: 520.75 /


He wrote, "See you next year when you're a boy and I'm a girl."

tags: transgender friend confusion friendship gender [add]

2009-01-15 12:37:28 / Rating: 677.75 /

Those Eyes

My uncle did more for me in one day than my father did in twenty-three years.

tags: family [add]

2009-01-15 12:36:58 / Rating: 446 /

Sleepless in Seattle

I can't believe that you smiling at me was the highlight of a day where I got an A on a test, found twenty bucks, and won a debate.

tags: sad humor love unrequited love [add]

2009-01-15 12:35:16 / Rating: 1351.25 /

climb it anyway

Unfortunately, none of us saw the sign that said "NO ROCK CLIMBING" until after the park ranger pulled up below us.

tags: climbing bad timing [add]

2009-01-15 12:33:27 / Rating: 348.5 /


Just when I thought I'd never get to type, "Dude, I KNOW that girl," I found pictures of her in a seedy corner of the internet.

tags: porn camwhore humor classmate [add]

2009-01-15 12:32:37 / Rating: 435 /


As I sat in the bushes in front of his house, I realized I had no idea what this was going to accomplish other than creeping him out.

tags: stalking crush spy [add]

2009-01-14 09:14:30 / Rating: 510.5 /


I just burped the most amazing burp and sadly no one was in my house to hear it.

tags: burp [add]

2009-01-14 09:14:01 / Rating: 435.5 /


Calling planned parenthood was way easier than trying to talk to my mother, a former sex ed teacher, about birth control.

tags: sex [add]

2009-01-14 09:11:36 / Rating: 358.25 /


He gave me a pair of shiny diamonds for Christmas, but I would have preferred a pair of shiny running shoes.

tags: diamonds romance humor [add]

2009-01-14 09:10:29 / Rating: 457.25 /


The most vivid thing that sticks out in my mind about the morning my father told me my best friend had died is that I couldn't finish my breakfast.

tags: death nausea breakfast [add]

2009-01-12 15:30:54 / Rating: 514.75 /


Three years into my English major, I finally ran out of BS.

tags: english college bullshit [add]

2009-01-12 15:30:20 / Rating: 3640.25 /


I asked my friend if I could use his computer for a second only to find the words "how to properly pick your nose" in the google search queue.

tags: humor internet picking your nose gross boys [add]

2009-01-12 15:26:37 / Rating: 565.75 /

the girl

The other day I got into the shower with my bra on and I didn't even notice.

tags: out of it humor [add]

2009-01-12 15:25:16 / Rating: 471 /


Three days later, I couldn't see his eyes, only his sunglasses and smile, two things that he wasn't wearing when he tried to rape me.

tags: rape eyes sunglasses shame drunk petrified am i to blame? [add]

2009-01-12 15:25:06 / Rating: 538.75 /


I really didn't mean to get the fake Prada purse vendor arrested.

tags: humor arrest street vendor [add]

2009-01-12 15:23:55 / Rating: 605.5 /


My wedding began after his ex-girlfriend was removed from the church and ended after I lit my veil on fire with the Unity candle.

tags: humor wedding irony [add]

2009-01-12 15:23:47 / Rating: 899.25 /


As she walked away, the words never came out.

tags: regret [add]

2009-01-09 11:20:59 / Rating: 489 /


Despite my family spending a lot of money on a name-brand toaster when I was a child, the half-broken Mickey Mouse toaster my husband found in our apartment building's dumpster makes the best toast I've ever had.

tags: humour toast dumpster diving money isn't everything [add]

2009-01-09 11:20:49 / Rating: 541 /

that chick in the corner

My sister used to joke about how I should get a gay boyfriend, but she stopped joking when I finally told her about my gay girlfriend.

tags: bi gay boyfriends real girlfriends ironic - no? [add]

2009-01-09 11:18:42 / Rating: 598.75 /


I once played DanceDanceRevolution for 4 hours straight then jumped off a balcony into a pool, only to almost drown because the muscles in both my legs stopped working the moment I hit the water.

tags: humor ouch irony [add]

2009-01-09 11:16:39 / Rating: 616.75 /


My dog died tonight and I cried longer and harder than I did when my Grandpa passed.

tags: pets death [add]

2009-01-08 15:51:22 / Rating: 765.25 /


I thought it was pretty cool when my dad told me he had joined a band, until he informed me that he would be playing the spoons and the triangle.

tags: dad band disappointment [add]

2009-01-07 12:46:26 / Rating: 668.5 /

the bible belt

Supporting gay rights does not make me a lesbian any more than supporting the civil rights movement made my mother black, you idiot.

tags: ignorance intolerance gay and lesbian rights equality the south high school conservatives [add]

2009-01-07 12:45:59 / Rating: 5532.25 /


There was a night early in my childhood when I was certain my mother was going to commit suicide.

tags: suicide mother stress childhood [add]

2009-01-07 12:44:53 / Rating: 588 /


My teacher told me my excuse was more bogus than a story she had read on One Sentence, which happened to be the truest thing I had ever written.

tags: humor teacher irony teacher read my story and didn't know it was mine meta [add]

2009-01-07 11:40:56 / Rating: 651.75 /

Monsieur Rick

That at fourteen she's still afraid of thunderstorms is sad, but the reason why is sadder.

tags: abuse terror memory [add]

2009-01-07 11:40:04 / Rating: 503.25 /


For Christmas my husband gave me a broken jaw, bruises and a new life as a single mother.

tags: abuse husband mother [add]

2009-01-07 10:13:21 / Rating: 770.25 /


My dog and my little brother practically grew up together, and now that she's gone, he doesn't have a playmate.

tags: pet brother death in the family best damn dog ever [add]

2009-01-07 09:36:33 / Rating: 421.5 /


I just finished a project on bees, and now that I've learned how they make honey, previously one of my favorite foods, I never want to eat it again.

tags: gross bees ruined [add]

2009-01-07 09:35:31 / Rating: 330.25 /


What my government teacher doesn't know is that when he's lecturing about Roe vs. Wade, I'm wondering what size tutu would be needed to accommodate his mass.

tags: humor boredom imagination mind wandering [add]

2009-01-07 09:35:17 / Rating: 529.25 /

R M Thatcher

I dusted for the first time in seven years, and then realized that I hadn't been allergic to my cat.

tags: shit spca why stupid dust gave away [add]

2009-01-05 08:44:46 / Rating: 567 /


My grandpa choked up as he said, "House plants grow better when the house is filled with love, and I've never seen the house plants grow as well as they have since you moved in a year ago."

tags: grandpa grandparents childhood [add]

2009-01-05 08:44:29 / Rating: 1259.5 /

Jenna Bean

When I was 10-years-old, I gave my mom a note that said, "You are a bich!" and she laughed and showed me my mistake.

tags: humor childhood family love anger frustration [add]

2009-01-05 08:43:59 / Rating: 1162.75 /

My only regret.

One of my best friends in high school killed himself after the only girl he ever asked out turned him down at the risk of being less popular, which is a shame because he would have been the best first boyfriend I ever had.

tags: regrets sucide sad boyfriends love best friends high school nerd popularity first love [add]

2009-01-05 08:42:49 / Rating: 1567.75 /

Warren Taylor

In spite of the damage to my car and my body, I couldn't help but laugh at becoming the second person in my family to hit a Burger King.

tags: humor accident car fast food [add]

2009-01-05 08:41:17 / Rating: 1033.25 /


He asked me out online, but that was okay becuase I stood up and did a little victory dance that I did not want anyone to see.

tags: dance boyfriend date [add]

2009-01-02 12:57:07 / Rating: 952.75 /


After the accident, still in a drunken stupor, he asked the cop how the police got there so fast, to which the officer replied, "You hit MY car."

tags: SHS humor police alcohol [add]

2009-01-02 12:56:54 / Rating: 991 /


On Valentine's Day, five years ago, I was in the heart wing of a hospital because the caffeine in all of the chocolate candy I had eaten threw my heart out of rhythm.

tags: heart ironic chocolate Valentine's Day [add]

2009-01-02 12:54:52 / Rating: 480.5 /


When the priest said my parents didn't raise me right because I was planning to marry a Baptist, I stopped being Catholic.

tags: religion faith [add]

2009-01-02 10:00:33 / Rating: 795.25 /