I found out today from my neurologist that my heavy marijuana smoking actually improved my brain-wave activity and functionality and my IQ rose 20 points, so I smoked a joint in celebration and finished my calculus homework.
2009-04-30 10:38:05 / Rating: 832.5 / 
My roommate for next semester silenced her overwhelming Catholic preaching for an entire year until after we signed the lease.
2009-04-30 10:16:37 / Rating: 140 /
The day I got fed up with her daily suicide threats and didn't call to make sure she was okay was the day she was found dead.
2009-04-30 10:09:37 / Rating: 335 /
As I overheard my employees gossiping about how I "need to get laid," I had to wonder, would that prescription change if any of them knew I am a recovering sex addict.
2009-04-30 10:08:06 / Rating: 398 /
I just realized after looking at the photos in the "sold" listing of my foreclosed home, I forgot my soap dispenser in the bathroom when I moved out.
2009-04-30 10:07:01 / Rating: 158.5 /
The frequency of my public nudity decreased dramatically when I stopped drinking to excess.
2009-04-30 09:38:01 / Rating: 190.75 /
At the age of 17, a trainee religion teacher told me, an unbaptized athiest, that I wouldn't be given an apple at break if I continued to refuse to write a letter to God.
2009-04-30 09:37:49 / Rating: 211 /
My mother's reaction to telling her I was almost raped was shock that I said the f-word in fending him off.
2009-04-30 09:23:18 / Rating: 281.5 /
The positive test confirmed that I was a mother, but bleeding at 5 weeks made sure I wouldnt hear being called "Mama" this time around.
2009-04-30 09:23:07 / Rating: 196.75 /
I just discovered my diary from when I was 17 and the last thing I wrote in it was "Am I at the point where an overdose makes sense?"
2009-04-28 16:35:52 / Rating: 231 /
It seems like immediately after every time I buy pot, I run my car into something stationary.
2009-04-28 16:34:49 / Rating: 170.25 /
The day I built my grandchildren a sandbox, my prissy 6-year-old granddaughter announced, "Grandma, I can't play in that, it's got dirt in it!"
2009-04-28 16:32:59 / Rating: 231 /
Nobody needs to see a dead woman's uterus.
2009-04-28 16:32:05 / Rating: 141 /
My daughter climbed through an unlocked window and found my mother dead on her living room floor.
2009-04-27 15:37:53 / Rating: 161 /
I find it ironic that the day you stopped loving me, the heart-shaped locket you'd given me wouldn't close and just hung open, looking like a broken heart.
2009-04-27 15:37:12 / Rating: 313.5 /
I learned the hard way that you cannot "kick" a flattened soccer ball with the front tire of your bike.
2009-04-27 15:27:04 / Rating: 159.5 /
Watching my grandfather play with my little cousins, I wondered if my aunt knew that he had molested my mother and their other sister.
2009-04-27 15:25:28 / Rating: 193.25 /
prom sucked.
2009-04-27 15:25:12 / Rating: 406 /
The best conversation I've had in six months is when the girl I love and I copy-and-pasted One Sentences to each other through AIM.
2009-04-27 15:22:01 / Rating: 219.25 /
She awoke from her slumber to answer her cell phone, but it was the radio that was playing her song.
2009-04-27 15:20:05 / Rating: 146.75 /
As the cashier scanned the pregnancy test, I hoped she wouldn't notice that the next item was a box of condoms.
2009-04-27 15:18:49 / Rating: 156 /
When questioned about wearing a long-sleeve shirt on the warmest day of summer, my mom grudgingly admitted that she mistook the ink-pad refill bottle for her roll-on deodorant that morning.
2009-04-27 15:18:06 / Rating: 359 /
My boss, who has no college degree and can barely utter a coherent syllable let alone an articulate sentence, is the supervisor of a Yale Graduate with far too much debt.
2009-04-23 16:08:06 / Rating: 217.25 /
The day I lost my virginity was the day my Virgin Mobile cell phone broke.
2009-04-21 15:09:30 / Rating: 2078.25 /
The large fries I ordered on April 20th to cure my munchies cost exactly $4.20, and I took this as God's way of telling me, "I approve."
2009-04-21 09:08:44 / Rating: 769 /
I began to mentally tally the hours of therapy I'd need to fully recover during my mother's "funny story" about airport security searching her bag and discovering her vibrator.
2009-04-21 09:07:37 / Rating: 260.25 /
Today, I got a priority mail package from my mother containing Aleve, two pairs of underwear, socks, and a $10 bill.
2009-04-19 21:37:29 / Rating: 261.25 /
I applied at vegetarian restaurants, organic food markets, and a bank but the only job I got was at the hunting store.
2009-04-19 21:36:27 / Rating: 206.25 /
I am nearly 21 and the entirety of my relationship experiences involve being asked out by a mentally challenged kid, a guy who after one date, called six times a day for a week and a half, a 50 year old illegal alien, and the son of the 50 year old illegal alien.
2009-04-19 21:33:06 / Rating: 332.75 /
I'm selling my college diploma on ebay to pay off Sallie Mae.
2009-04-19 21:31:04 / Rating: 150.75 /
I still cry every time I think about the racoon lying in the middle of the road that turned his head to look at me as I passed in my car.
2009-04-19 21:28:17 / Rating: 232.5 /
My mother has 1,500 followers on Twitter and I have 7.
2009-04-15 13:09:01 / Rating: 479.25 /
My boss told me I needed to quit drinking so I told him he should stop having sex with prostitutes.
2009-04-14 16:32:00 / Rating: 538 /
On especially quiet mornings I jolt awake because I am reminded of the morning I wasn't awoken by your tiny cries.
2009-04-14 16:29:53 / Rating: 457.5 /
Lying at the bottom of the stairs, I heard him say "April fools?" in reference to the "spider" he spotted making its way towards me.
2009-04-14 12:52:47 / Rating: 152.25 /
I found out the hard way that cucumbers are flammable.
2009-04-14 12:29:42 / Rating: 273.75 /
It was in the waiting room during one of my dad's chemotherapy sessions that I first learned hot cocoa was better with water, not milk.
2009-04-14 12:29:22 / Rating: 107 /
His suicide note blamed me.
2009-04-10 12:57:05 / Rating: 450.25 /
I can't believe nachos may have just completely ruined us.
2009-04-10 12:54:58 / Rating: 206.25 /
After getting the third package in the mail with a toy cow in it, I concluded that my mother and younger sister were trying to force me to collect cows.
2009-04-10 12:54:45 / Rating: 373.75 /
My cat, Scoop, sits in the bathtub for exactly twenty minutes after I have showered, and this morning, she pulled out all the hair that was clogging up the drain using one hooked claw
2009-04-10 12:53:29 / Rating: 304.5 /
I knew we wouldn't last forever as soon as I realized she had an "open door" policy when using the bathroom.
2009-04-10 12:51:08 / Rating: 205 /
Until that afternoon, I never realized how many songs I had with your name in them.
2009-04-08 16:16:54 / Rating: 234.25 /
A stunned look came across my peers' faces as the teacher pointed at me, saying that my dad was going to marry her daughter, so I instantaneously snapped, "Not in that way!"
2009-04-08 16:13:58 / Rating: 218.5 /
Out of the blue during diner, in an urgent voice, my 5-year-old said, "Daddy, tell me everything you know about vampires."
2009-04-07 14:08:50 / Rating: 740 /
The time I got my hand stuck in the blades of the electric stand mixer, resulting in pieces of bloody knuckle skin littering the dough, I seriously considered baking the cookies anyways.
2009-04-07 14:08:37 / Rating: 194.5 /
I am still shuddering thinking of all the possible reasons why that man smelled so strongly of Lysol.
2009-04-07 14:07:50 / Rating: 126 /
The following morning, no one could tell me how three hollow-point bullets ended up inside my coat pocket.
2009-04-07 14:07:09 / Rating: 174 /
Once I saw her YouTube channel, I knew that breaking up with her was going to be a surgically delicate process.
2009-04-07 14:06:56 / Rating: 192.25 /
When I told my dad I'd misplaced my class ring, he told me his was lost 30 years ago when "a girl died in a car accident."
2009-04-07 14:04:34 / Rating: 253.5 /
I could deal when the cancer took both boobs and stole all my hair, but as it fogged my brain into chemo-mush, that's when it finally hit me where I live.
2009-04-07 08:40:52 / Rating: 189.75 /
He told me I would have to pay for my own wedding as he was packing for his 3 week cruise through Europe on a chartered yacht.
2009-04-03 13:44:12 / Rating: 228 /
It was when I saw her feet dangling by the bedside wastebasket that I realized she hadn't been kidnapped, but that I had mistakenly pushed her off the bed in my sleep.
2009-04-03 13:43:19 / Rating: 166.5 /
It's ridiculously infuriating to attempt cybersex with an ADHD teenager.
2009-04-03 13:37:59 / Rating: 284 /
My three-year-old just informed me that there are three really bad words out there: butt, booty, and brain.
2009-04-03 13:35:37 / Rating: 337.5 /
I awoke this morning to the sensation of my dog, curled up against me under the covers, licking my butt.
2009-04-03 13:26:31 / Rating: 249.25 /
The past seven days have included alcohol poisoning, acquaintance rape, isolation from my friends, confessions to me about childhood abuse, and lots of cereal for dinner.
2009-04-03 13:26:24 / Rating: 204 /
The only thing that stopped me from taking the rest of the Tylenol in the bottle was the possibility that my organs would be unsuitable for donation afterward.
2009-04-01 16:04:29 / Rating: 372.75 /
The next morning, I told myself it wasn't rape if the next time was consensual, but I was wrong.
2009-04-01 11:26:41 / Rating: 176.25 /
My sister walked in on the family crying, unaware we were about to tell her she had been diagnosed with leukemia, and jokingly said, "What, am I dying?"
2009-04-01 11:24:42 / Rating: 496.5 /
After surviving 14 years of camping trips, sleepovers, vacations, and airplanes, my beloved panda couldn't make it through rehab.
2009-04-01 11:24:10 / Rating: 229.5 /
I am very happy that I was asked to be my girlfriend's sister's stepdaughter's stepsister's godfather.
2009-04-01 11:21:41 / Rating: 205.25 /
I wonder if my now 22-year-old daughter remembers, at age 4, that the first thing she said to me after I told her that Daddy had died was, "Can I have a glass of water?*
2009-04-01 11:21:18 / Rating: 222.25 /
