Freebird
My husband handed me his cell phone at a party so someone else could tell me that my best friend had just died.
2009-07-29 12:20:01 / Rating: 145 / 
Story archives - July 2009
starbuck
My 46-year-old father chipped his tooth pretending he was Jimi Hendrix.
2009-07-29 12:18:07 / Rating: 159.75 /
grizzledbartender
Last night I saved a guy's life using the Heimlich Maneuver and after he calmed down, finished eating, and had dessert he left me thirteen percent.
2009-07-29 12:17:52 / Rating: 283.75 /
SugaBebbe
After noticing that I alone filled up a whole dumpster in a week, I realized my carbon footprint was the equivalent of Sasquatch.
2009-07-29 09:01:19 / Rating: 117 /
Molly
I would have enjoyed meeting my father's grandfather, the one who used to get drunk and dress up in his wife's clothes.
2009-07-29 09:00:49 / Rating: 159.25 /
You'da Done It
My wallet and gas tank were both 100% empty, but my journey home was sponsored by a ninety-year-old man who paid me $5 to flash him in the crowded parking lot of the gas station.
2009-07-27 20:11:40 / Rating: 256.75 /
Heritage
A long time ago, a Czech immigrant joined a foreign naval force, jumped ship in America, killed a man in a bar fight, was sent to a chain gang in the south, then fell in love with and was broken out by my Cherokee great-grandmother.
2009-07-27 20:11:00 / Rating: 460 /
KLately
Even though I lied, but I still miss my fake dead baby.
2009-07-22 16:00:35 / Rating: -17.5 /
Newly an Orphan
My mom died this morning, leaving me feeling like an almost half-century-old orphan.
2009-07-22 16:00:00 / Rating: 159.5 /
Grandpa Paige
You do not want to be returning your grandchildren to their parents after realizing how much a bottle of Nair looks like the bottle of Waterbabies.
2009-07-22 15:57:31 / Rating: 306.25 /
kixlikagrl
I changed the locks, got a tattoo and filed for divorce all on my 30th birthday.
2009-07-22 15:55:25 / Rating: 263.5 /
secondhand smoker
I still taste marijuana every time I bite into a Moose Tracks peanut butter cup.
2009-07-21 09:59:36 / Rating: 171.5 /
Everyone
I got more action playing spin the bottle on the beach, kissing both boys and girls, in one night than I did with my girlfriend in over a year.
2009-07-21 09:59:19 / Rating: 152.25 /
Yikes
Tonight I washed my dead grandfather's shirts and my silky underwear in the same load of laundry.
2009-07-21 09:58:08 / Rating: 117.25 /
Kat Kalakosky
Our neighbor, a known drug addict, found some abandoned kittens, causing my 9-year-old son to remark, "I hope he doesn't smoke them, Mom".
2009-07-21 09:57:32 / Rating: 420 /
Curmic189
Unlikely activities where I've hurt myself: sitting down at a desk, getting up from a desk, getting in a car, playing guitar, using a broom.
2009-07-21 09:56:53 / Rating: 125.5 /
MHM
My little cousin asked, "If Jesus was human, does that mean he farted?"
2009-07-20 10:43:40 / Rating: 403.5 /
LH
During a somewhat fuzzy post-flu recovery power walk, a group of 10 or so college age men running towards me along the trail suddenly lined up single file and gave me high-fives.
2009-07-20 10:42:23 / Rating: 311.5 /
theydontknow
My first kiss left me feeling grossed out.
2009-07-20 10:41:25 / Rating: 214.5 /
poignant
My boyfriend had to reassure me that his grandmother didn't have a crush on me when she said I could have her engagement ring.
2009-07-20 10:17:46 / Rating: 92.75 /
Oh My
The police officer looked surprised when he walked up to the dark car and found us not having sex.
2009-07-17 11:13:14 / Rating: 295.5 /
Professional Zac
Word of advice- when they tell you to remove all of your jewelry before your MRI, that includes piercings that are not in the area being scanned.
2009-07-17 11:13:05 / Rating: 202.25 /
stuck in the middle
I knew the plumber had arrived when I heard my mom laugh in a way she never does with my father.
2009-07-17 11:12:57 / Rating: 189 /
Kody
I told a student in kindergarten that candy canes were the bones of reject elves.
2009-07-17 11:12:28 / Rating: 495 /
Still Married To You
When I get the chills I don't know if it is because I know about your affair or if it is a symptom of MS.
2009-07-17 11:08:39 / Rating: 114 /
End of an Era
If she held on for 20 more days, she would have seen me graduate.
2009-07-17 11:05:24 / Rating: 163.25 /
that guy
You've been drunk and stupid and violent, but you've never hurt me as much as you did tonight, sober, when you told me I can't help you.
2009-07-17 11:04:14 / Rating: 133.25 /
Aubrianne
I once put "waxing poetical" as my facebook status and now the ads on the side are all for hair-removal products.
2009-07-17 11:02:13 / Rating: 188 /
Stephen G
I was laughing with the cashier at a local cafe about an official-looking brass plaque mounted in front of the register that read, "In 2008 nothing happened here," when my wife walked up, read the plaque, and said, "We should get one of these for our bedroom."
2009-07-17 10:59:49 / Rating: 345.5 /
Kathryn
Yesterday, at my ripe old age of 43, my young son had to explain to me that the band was spelled and named "The Beatles" due to a music beat and not "The Beetles" after a bug.
2009-07-17 10:58:46 / Rating: 146 /
Tooth
My first kiss ended with a chipped tooth and a trip to the dentist.
2009-07-17 10:57:48 / Rating: 87.25 /
Sephira
I knew you loved me when you came back inside the restaurant laughing after running across the street through traffic in freezing rain, to check on what I thought was a hurt bird, and turned out to be cardboard flapping over a ventilation shaft.
2009-07-15 11:12:53 / Rating: 455.25 /
Tori
Organizational Assembly had been unwittingly shortened to OrgAsm on my transcript which also stated that my performance in it had been perfect.
2009-07-15 11:10:26 / Rating: 594.5 /
marberry
I realized I had finally let go of the Muslim side of my family when I started eating bacon.
2009-07-15 11:09:46 / Rating: 102.75 /
Tattoo
I found it oddly appropriate that the night I couldn't get the temporary heart tattoo off my forearm was the night you broke my heart.
2009-07-15 09:48:47 / Rating: 100.75 /
Natt
I only told them about my tattoo so they could identify my body if necessary.
2009-07-13 16:07:16 / Rating: 159.75 /
drummergrrrl
I was relieved when my middle-school friend revealed to me that, unlike what my mother had told me, hot dogs were not the penises of pigs.
2009-07-13 16:06:57 / Rating: 202.5 /
ftc
The very second I lost my virginity, a car outside my room sounded their custom Dukes of Hazard horn.
2009-07-13 16:03:04 / Rating: 249.25 /
yikes
The last thing I heard before going under anesthesia was the nurse saying, "Oops."
2009-07-13 16:02:54 / Rating: 240.75 /
His Gal Friday
In a passive-aggressive defense to his passive-aggressive attitude, I didn't tell my boss about the mustard on his lip right before his big meeting.
2009-07-13 16:01:23 / Rating: 119.75 /
SunnyBun
After I spilled gasoline on my shoes while topping off my car's tank on the way to lunch, my daughter announced to the cashier at McDonald's, "If you smell gas, it's coming from my mom."
2009-07-10 11:14:59 / Rating: 286 /
Stacy
"Whoa" means nothing to a Swedish horse.
2009-07-10 11:12:59 / Rating: 261.5 /
drummergrrrl
After my mom dropped a frozen corndog down the back of my sweatpants, I stopped talking back.
2009-07-10 11:12:50 / Rating: 115 /
west
At work, I routinely have to ask people if they have rhinestones on their underwear.
2009-07-10 11:11:24 / Rating: 144 /
Misspelled Last Name
I became bitter about the whole thing when the story in the newspaper was more about how the family had lost their fruit stand and less about how the fruit stand crushed you to death.
2009-07-07 10:30:46 / Rating: 307 /
It was perfectly in character for me as a child, when I maintained to my first grade teacher that my favorite animal was not a giraffe or tiger, but grass.
2009-07-07 10:29:40 / Rating: 307.75 /
Only Sixteen
Everytime I stare at my son's gravestone in the ground, I think of how much a hate his father.
2009-07-06 09:34:23 / Rating: 157.5 /
SunnyBun
During a 6.2 earthquake that shook our building violently, my half-asleep husband sat up, looked at me in confusion and asked, "What are you doing?"
2009-07-06 09:27:49 / Rating: 483 /