I wasn't sure whether I should laugh or cry when my 16 year-old daughter's first paid babysitting gig turned out to be for a 20 year-old stripper who had installed a stripper pole in her living room...
2009-10-28 06:45:37 / Rating: 136.75 / 
My first night of college I felt a strange feeling of familiarity because the hallway lights stayed on all night, just like they did at the psychiatric hospitals I spent my adolescence in.
2009-10-27 15:24:15 / Rating: 346 /
I wonder if it would be worse to tell my daughter she caught me snorting pain pills or let her keep believing it was coke.
2009-10-27 15:23:36 / Rating: 123.25 /
I prayed that when she returned from the ladies room she'd be too drunk to notice that I had abandoned not only her, but also her purse.
2009-10-27 14:09:48 / Rating: 58.5 /
Accupuncture one, MS zero.
2009-10-27 12:49:15 / Rating: 243 /
I knew I had a problem when I licked the blood off my wrist then wondered how many calories I'd just consumed.
2009-10-27 12:49:03 / Rating: 278.25 /
I disliked my coworker when I found out she was fiercely homophobic, but it became serious when I found out she also hated the Beatles.
2009-10-27 12:48:50 / Rating: 456.75 /
I made her a card that said, "Congratulations, you're not a mother!" and heard her laugh for the first time in two weeks.
2009-10-27 12:48:03 / Rating: 195 /
It was up to the police officers on the scene to explain to my nephew that an arrow shot in the air as a tribute to Longfellow does come back down to earth.
2009-10-27 12:46:54 / Rating: 82.5 /
And then her grandmother walked in and just started laughing!
2009-10-27 12:38:34 / Rating: 109.5 /
My vacation is ruined knowing that 1,800 miles away my cat pooped on the living-room floor.
2009-10-26 16:17:01 / Rating: 101.5 /
She was the greatest thing that had ever been "Made in China."
2009-10-26 16:16:27 / Rating: 281.75 /
My sister completely skipped her birthday to die the next day on mine.
2009-10-26 16:16:21 / Rating: 98.5 /
I had to stop reading "Miss Lonelyhearts" when Nathanael West used the same words the LA Times used to describe your murder.
2009-10-26 13:38:03 / Rating: 85 /
My mother stopped buying me Barbies when I was a child after she found them hanging by their necks from the stairwell.
2009-10-26 13:10:46 / Rating: 132.25 /
It cost you two weeks, $15,000 and numerous complaints from other employees, only to discover I was right all along.
2009-10-23 12:37:41 / Rating: 128.5 /
My grandmother never asked me to go back to Sunday School after I was told to color a picture of Jesus, while going through a 'draw handlebar moustaches and pitchforks on everything' phase.
2009-10-23 12:36:19 / Rating: 268.25 /
$128 and a shot in the ass later, I stopped being terrified that my swollen eyeball was going to pop out of my head.
2009-10-23 12:35:56 / Rating: 86.75 /
Two break-ins, five months, new house.
2009-10-23 12:35:30 / Rating: 57.5 /
I told my daughter her smile could stop wars, but she decided to test the theory.
2009-10-23 12:32:22 / Rating: 406 /
When my pastor jokingly texted me the message 'Dude, you should really stop fantasizing about licking whipped cream off my buttcheeks...' I realized that I really do fit in there.
2009-10-23 12:28:40 / Rating: 255 /
I once left a half-barefoot girl at a gas station forty-five minutes away from home at one a.m., but I'm usually a pretty nice person.
2009-10-22 20:47:49 / Rating: 114.5 /
I ate a baked potato like an apple, because I was too lazy to go downstairs for a fork.
2009-10-22 20:46:29 / Rating: 167.5 /
I am a Protestant in a Catholic RCIA class only to appease my fiance's parents, but I wish the priest would stop referring to my kind as "heretics."
2009-10-22 17:59:34 / Rating: 123.25 /
She had an affair with him and miscarried his baby, so no, the HR lady isn't going to fire him.
2009-10-22 17:57:48 / Rating: 84.75 /
Even before I could smell her, I could tell by the way she waddled that there was something unholy in that diaper.
2009-10-22 17:56:34 / Rating: 127 /
My sister texted me, "Good luck in there!" while I was in the bathroom.
2009-10-19 14:51:37 / Rating: 172.75 /
Even though my hamster died a year ago, I still find her food seeds in my bed every morning.
2009-10-19 14:49:53 / Rating: 88 /
After playing dollhouse with my goldfish for the fourth time, my mother finally decided to buy me a hamster.
2009-10-19 14:49:04 / Rating: 101 /
My english teacher said if we got enough sentences published we could count it as our midterm.
2009-10-19 14:05:28 / Rating: 232.5 /
I never realized how much my husband farted until we boarded the dog for a few days.
2009-10-19 14:02:51 / Rating: 193.5 /
I'm so glad you licked the tears off my face before you died.
2009-10-15 20:14:09 / Rating: 519.25 /
Losing my infant daughter was the most pain I've ever been in; her organs saving two babies was the balm that helped my healing and provided hope.
2009-10-15 20:13:41 / Rating: 371.75 /
I know he had fun because he yelled "SHAM-WOW!" at the end.
2009-10-15 20:12:34 / Rating: 120.5 /
It was probably inappropriate to laugh when the preacher tripped over the alterboy.
2009-10-15 20:12:07 / Rating: 249.5 /
A student tried to stab me, and an administrator harassed me, and because I stuck it out until he asked me to resign, I'm the one with a record.
2009-10-12 12:04:34 / Rating: 128.75 /
How was I supposed to explain to my co-workers that the wet spots on my pants were caused by a mosquito flying all around the urinal?
2009-10-12 12:03:37 / Rating: 126.25 /
Mom unknowingly ate the mushroom chocolates I left in the fridge after the music festival.
2009-10-12 12:03:22 / Rating: 178.25 /
I once cut my friend's hair for free, but he complained so much during the haircut that I shaved letters into the side of his head.
2009-10-12 12:03:14 / Rating: 85.5 /
Nothing is more awkwardly fulfilling than having a child prefer you over their own mother.
2009-10-12 12:00:08 / Rating: 234.5 /
I should have known he was bad news when he told me he used to pour milk in his bed and sleep in it.
2009-10-12 11:59:03 / Rating: 118.25 /
I was eight years old and he said I was beautiful.
2009-10-12 11:58:51 / Rating: 135.5 /
You wouldn't laugh at my joke, yet I overheard you telling it to someone else later.
2009-10-12 11:54:38 / Rating: 235.25 /
Leaning over the toilet holding my hair back and noticing the faint scars on my wrists, I realized how ironic it is that my senior year superlative is "happiest."
2009-10-06 20:35:43 / Rating: 216.75 /
No one would have guessed that the knife they used to cut the wedding cake would be exhibit C in the trail just 10 months later.
2009-10-06 20:35:17 / Rating: 315 /
I remember fighting with my sisters over who would make what breakfast item, when my mother finally had it and yelled "You make the grits and I'll cut the cheese!"
2009-10-06 20:34:33 / Rating: 105.5 /
"Keep the change," they said with a smile as I incredulously looked down at the $55 for the $30 meal.
2009-10-06 20:33:57 / Rating: 143.25 /
I wasn't even drunk when I pushed the liquor store's shopping cart into the night manager's car.
2009-10-06 20:32:06 / Rating: 77.75 /
I believe that "the consultative period is now over" is management speak for "stop talking because I'm tired of ignoring you."
2009-10-06 20:31:34 / Rating: 79 /
I was briskly desensitized to gay people when my roomate's boyfriend stayed in the dorm room for a week straight.
2009-10-05 15:11:40 / Rating: 149.75 /
He took my purity ring off with his teeth.
2009-10-05 15:10:06 / Rating: 696.5 /
I had the entire best man's speech memorised but as I stood to deliver it someone handed me a stack of cards to read out and a dyslexic's panic made me forget everything.
2009-10-05 14:57:31 / Rating: 95 /
I turned the other cheek for two years, but when he spit on me I fought back.
2009-10-05 14:56:43 / Rating: 187.25 /
The only thing that I can remember about it is the strange looking chair that I had to sit in, and how you never hugged me after that.
2009-10-05 14:55:53 / Rating: 114.75 /
I knew I would marry her when, instead of scolding me and complaining that video games were more important than her, she sat down beat my high score.
2009-10-05 12:04:28 / Rating: 497.5 /
When I told him that it was okay, it happened to a lot of guys, he turned his head towards me and said flabbergasted, "Who are all these guys you're talking about?"
2009-10-04 22:46:43 / Rating: 247.75 /
