ferdinandthebull
When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie and I just now realized at the age of 19 that she did this because she's a funeral director.
2008-04-08 16:46:37 / Rating: 4306 / 
Story archives - Most Popular of All Time
See also: the most popular from the last 30 days.
What are the odds?
I knew God had a sense of humor when I hesitantly answered the ringing K-Mart payphone, only to hear my best friend, who had misdialed my home phone number, on the other end.
2008-06-10 10:39:09 / Rating: 3685.75 /
Alexandra
As you were breaking up with me, all I could think about were those mornings when you compared the Pop-Tarts and gave me the one with more frosting.
2007-10-25 14:10:35 / Rating: 3234.75 /
Ashamed
My atheist neighbor has helped more people in the past year than my entire congregation has in the past ten.
2008-03-25 10:51:34 / Rating: 2977.25 /
Reno Reading
My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Funny" and has been using it all over the internet.
2008-10-23 13:39:41 / Rating: 2913 /
Angel
The worst thing about secret girlfriends is that when they get hit by cars you're not supposed to cry.
2006-11-05 14:09:01 / Rating: 2793 /
Five Hours
After calculating that I wasted 6500 hours in church the first 25 years of my life, I vowed to spend 6500 hours doing volunteer work that would actually make a difference in the world.
2008-10-21 16:49:52 / Rating: 2749 /
petalthrow
One night on ecstasy, I stopped a fight between two drag queens in the ladies restroom and then I made them give each other a hug.
2007-04-03 14:42:58 / Rating: 2608 /
David Vanderbyl
Only a few blocks from home my 3-year-old brother opened the rear door of our family's Dodge Polara, and quick as a wink he was gone.
2006-09-02 19:10:06 / Rating: 2545.5 /
lines
Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero.
2008-06-06 17:06:53 / Rating: 2531.75 /
saunya
I held my father's hand as he died in that hospital room and realized I'd never held his hand before that moment.
2006-09-10 00:30:06 / Rating: 2507.25 /
It was the perfect revenge, until I came home and the cops were already waiting for me.
2008-05-08 17:35:02 / Rating: 2504 /
Beth
Instead of him they sent back a folded flag, and when I was alone I tore it to pieces.
2008-02-13 13:08:48 / Rating: 2414.75 /
the bible belt
Supporting gay rights does not make me a lesbian any more than supporting the civil rights movement made my mother black, you idiot.
2009-01-07 12:45:59 / Rating: 2304.5 /
Sheryl
When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, "The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."
2006-08-28 14:17:20 / Rating: 2282.5 /
Edie
I conduct job interviews for a living and nothing gives me a better sense of wielding karma than giving the job to the nervous kid instead of the better qualified arrogant prick.
2007-06-07 09:31:08 / Rating: 2252.25 /
Heather Rose
As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.
2008-09-26 17:46:59 / Rating: 2168.75 /
Probably Not Okay
My online dating service matched me with my cousin.
2007-12-31 11:50:31 / Rating: 2126.5 /
Mourning
Knowing that my miscarriage brought him relief is something I'm not sure I'll ever forget.
2007-06-22 10:48:05 / Rating: 2121.75 /
Finster
My friend Bob loved his vinyl records so much that he used to obsess about which ones to save if his house caught fire but when it actually happened he chose his girlfriend instead.
2006-09-02 19:10:40 / Rating: 2075.25 /
matt
The day I lost my virginity was the day my Virgin Mobile cell phone broke.
2009-04-21 15:09:30 / Rating: 2067.75 /
Chester
Arriving home after sitting in traffic for two hours, I said to myself, "Oh, wait, I don't live here anymore."
2006-09-14 20:18:39 / Rating: 2008.5 /
Jabberwocky
I know 18 digits of pi and can recite the quadratic equation, but I still need to make an L with my hand to find out where left is.
2007-06-13 10:09:32 / Rating: 1964 /
Sorcha
When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.
2009-01-28 16:28:39 / Rating: 1958.75 /
A.
I remember saying "no."
2008-08-13 15:16:52 / Rating: 1948.75 /
Erik Wennstrom
It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion.
2006-08-18 12:28:33 / Rating: 1948 /
Tom
From the moment her arms wrapped around my chest and her head found its place against my shoulder, I knew beyond a doubt that I would never think of five feet as too short ever again.
2008-07-18 01:31:48 / Rating: 1947.5 /
Jess
His efforts were so valiant, I didn't have the heart to tell him it was front clasp.
2008-06-06 17:12:36 / Rating: 1852.75 /
DBW
On my coming out to my mother, she told the whole family, adding that if they had a problem with it, she would have no problem burying them, dead or alive.
2009-11-19 09:48:37 / Rating: 1850.5 /
Lost Theories
When I arrived at the memorial site, I couldn't think of anything witty or poignent to write, so I just carved 'I miss you' into the telephone pole that killed you and went home.
2007-11-12 22:51:31 / Rating: 1833.75 /
Jesse
She's ruined half of my music library for me.
2007-06-07 12:42:38 / Rating: 1808 /
Anonymous
I couldn't bear to tell the girl I loved that I was only dreaming and that she was merely a figment of my imagination, so I kissed her, and as the world lost its color, I slowly woke up.
2006-09-06 09:28:22 / Rating: 1802.5 /
you know who i am
My mother called me to do a chore and i responded, "What you need, Woman," to which my father chided, "Your mother is NOT a woman!"
2006-09-16 09:27:04 / Rating: 1784.5 /
Ryan
Three years into my English major, I finally ran out of BS.
2009-01-12 15:30:20 / Rating: 1727 /
SJ
I told my husband I wanted a new, simple wedding band because the 1.3c diamond I wear is not a symbol of our love but of my greed.
2008-02-13 13:09:31 / Rating: 1686.5 /
Lewis from North Carolina, USA
President Bush killed my father, a soldier whose burned remains are now a part of the Iraqi desert landscape, and I, longing to fit in by supporting something I did not understand, was stupid enough to vote for him the previous year.
2006-09-11 23:06:50 / Rating: 1619.75 /
Onion Volcano
My wife is self-conscious and overweight after bearing our three children, and I still can't stop tearing her clothes off.
2009-05-20 14:11:38 / Rating: 1559.75 /
LaDeeDa
Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, Petunia, do NOT put ass cream on your face."
2009-01-23 14:22:40 / Rating: 1553.75 /
R.Riley
Seeing a 40 year old crack whore wearing a shirt saying "You can't afford me" and knowing she's probably right made me realize I'd hit rock bottom.
2007-12-31 11:57:16 / Rating: 1529.75 /
Cowboy
I waited for him to hit me, instead he replied, "She'll probably cheat on you too."
2008-02-11 16:53:16 / Rating: 1455.5 /
Kris
I married my husband on our first date, but it has taken me more than 5 years to decide what colour to paint our dining room.
2006-09-04 11:48:05 / Rating: 1455 /
Shane
I was nearly sent to the hospital because I could not convince the school nurse that my head had always been this shape.
2006-08-18 12:27:29 / Rating: 1432 /
Carmen
I was only fourteen.
2006-09-27 09:50:22 / Rating: 1412.75 /
Meatbomb
It wasn't the sex that proved she loved me, it was the first time she slept with me without having sex that I knew she would be the one.
2006-09-11 23:20:03 / Rating: 1389.25 /
WarDamnEagle
There are two kinds of friends in the world: the ones who help you up when you've passed out in a bar and call a cab and the ones that take 'funny' pictures of you.
2007-11-05 13:20:56 / Rating: 1382.75 /
cha
It's been so long that I don't even look down your street anymore.
2007-05-31 14:54:55 / Rating: 1306.25 /
dooya
Recently I realized that I waste my life on the internet ... and published this insight in a blog.
2006-09-14 10:14:49 / Rating: 1291.25 /
JuliePatchouli
He longed for me for four years in high school and then forgot; I avoided him for four years in high school and then obsessed for ten about what could have been.
2006-09-09 10:17:16 / Rating: 1288.5 /
would you put a name on this?
It wasn't until the eulogy ended that I realized I had been thinking about porn instead of listening.
2007-05-24 23:43:50 / Rating: 1283.75 /
without an anchor
Every one of my many heartbreaks could have been avoided had you not waited until I was 32 to tell me you loved me.
2007-11-20 15:09:53 / Rating: 1278.5 /