Is it weird that I had a better time talking to the stripper than getting a lap dance from her?
Is it weird that I had a better time talking to the stripper than getting a lap dance from her?
The day I met you, my acne medicine squirted out in the shape of a heart.
I hope it's not weird that I felt a sense of pride because I got a standing ovation when I finished delivering her eulogy.
She could have been popular were it not for a poor political decision in first grade: never make friends with the boy who believes he is He-Man.
There is no feminine itch so urgent that it can't wait until you have every last bit of diced chile pepper off your fingers.
There’s this romantic propaganda that you meet soulmates at bookstores when in reality you just meet creepy baristas who follow you around until you’re reduced to hiding behind shelves and copies of Islamic Economics for Dummies.
I live in a town so small that the hospital is terrifyingly close to both the cemetery and the local taxidermist.
After reading everyone's personal essay, I realize I'm the only person in a class of twenty-three who doesn't smoke pot.
One morning, I puked in my own lap while driving 75mph on a six-lane New Jersey thruway and the only thing I could do was keep driving, laugh, and call my mom.
One day when I was four years old I started screaming and crying at the Dippin Dots stand because my mom told me I couldn't get any, so the guy just gave me some for free.
As my wife told our daughter we couldn't get a puppy because they pee all over the place, my son peed on the carpet.
The most intense sexual experience I had so far this summer was accidentally seeing my boss' wiener.
I showed up early to band practice only to see all four of my male bandmates sitting in our drummer's basement under a common blanket eating Nutella and watching the Notebook.
It was only after I stepped in it that I realized where the smell was coming from.
When my parents told me they were divorcing, I asked if that meant I could get a kitten.
I laughed when I learned that, in 1999, there were two hurricanes that occurred one after the other, with the same names as my parents.
As I threw the bag into the trash can, I wondered if the bag would hit the fire alarm and set it off, which it did.
Mom laughed and said, "I'm not going to let the doctor put you on ADHD meds. just so you can see if it helps you draw better!"
We have a blue jay in our backyard whose breakfast consists of stolen cat food.
My faith in humanity was restored when in the midst of a violent and graphic abortion protest, I saw a man in a baseball jersey with a sign that said "Go Mets."
Having successfully broken into his house, I fed his dog and did a load of laundry.
If my family is Christian, then why do I remember watching Sesame Street in Yiddish?
I'm pretty sure "bleeding groin rash" were the last words I ever wanted to hear out of my father's mouth.
My grandmother called me the other day asking if I wanted any weed, because the man across the hall is selling it and she thought it was an excellent deal.
I didn't realize I had told the very chatty customer in my checkout line my last name until he sent me a message on Facebook to ask where I lived.
It felt better to throw up two pounds of ice cream than it did to shovel it down.
When I was little, my aunt sent a clown with a balloon bouquet to my hospital room to cheer me up, and after the clown saw me, my mom had to spend an hour trying to get him to stop crying.
I spent new years eve rolling quarters with my mom while my dad was in the hospital for a glorified case of indigestion.
I went to college to discover things about myself, not expecting to discover that I was lactose intolerant.
I went to college to discover things about myself, not expecting to discover that I was lactose intolerant.
I was on my third glass of whiskey when the stray cat I let in out of the rain began giving birth to kittens on my couch.
When our Mayan tour guide took us off the trail and into the forest to see something unique, I wasn't expecting to see a four foot stone penis sculpture.
I had a dead squirrel in one hand, a screaming child in the other, soon replaced with cake, and then I realized my life had taken an odd turn.
A few miles outside of Manhattan, my father carried a collapsible lawn chair to the lower level of Macys at the Queens Center Mall.
I just walked in on my mom and neighbor smoking pot and felt so uncool.
That night ended eventfully with one traumatized dog, two irritated parents, one hormonal crying teenager, and hundreds of gallons of water down the drain, but it's okay because my dog no longer has poop all over his body.
I thought that she had said "Please take off your shirt", when the Russian neurologist had really said "Please take off your shoes".
I was excited to climb out and meet her, but the window glass wasn't.
Today I used a letter from the debt collector's office as proof of residence, in order to collect my new credit card.
When I was little my older brother convinced me that if I never farted I would blow up at the age of 34.
My mom thought I was pregnant when I sat down to talk with her, then gave a sigh of relief when I told her I'm gay.
My dramatic exit was slightly diminished when I followed the door slam with "YUCK FOU."
Sheltered from the hot sun, the woman cradled the little dog in her arms while her child crawled away from her, only connected by the child harness.
While my classmate's very Christian parents were fighting to ban Huckleberry Finn in English class for its profanity, my mom bought me a fictional book for my birthday detailing the lives of Japanese hookers and proceeded to think nothing of it.
At my friend's bachelor party in Las Vegas, O.J. Simpson turned around to me at the bar we were at and said, "Tell your friend not to do it."
The entire film shoot was a disaster, except for that one day when a bunch of crackheads led us to the largest porn collection in New England.
As a stripper, I never guessed we would be debating the preparation of ramen noodles in the private dance room.
I caught my 3-year old son doodling on the screen of the new LED TV when he uttered his first complete sentence of, "Draw only on paper mommy?"
He inadvertently showed up with a croissant on prom night, and trying to keep with tradition, asked to tie it to his giggling date’s wrist.
Never again will I reply to a work email with "regards" because the letter g and t are too close together.
I realized my mother was a bit outdated the moment she asked the poor farm store boy if he had any "nice, healthy cocks."
I just today realized that you had to pay admission to the art museum after years of my father telling me to walk right in and avoid the people in the uniforms.
The first thing he said when he woke up from his coma was, "Did I miss the election result?"
He asked me if he could walk me to my door and I said "Oh god, I'm so sorry, are we on a date?"
All I remember was short men dressed as Oompa Loompas dancing around a candy table.
When she popped in the Al Green CD I assumed she was giving me the green light, but after I kissed her she broke the news that she had a boyfriend.
When my son was 5, he cried so hard when I told him he would one day die, but he cried much harder when I told him he'd be in school until he was 18.
When my brother was eight years old, he walked into his speech therapist's office and told her, "I don't need your help anymore, I can speak just fine" in clear English.
It was when my schizophrenic patient gave me a diamond ring for Christmas that I realized my friends were right all those years when they called me "flirty."
I'm racking my brain, trying to think if I've ever given him any indication that it's OK to poop in the backyard.
My grandmother asked me what my favourite part of "Titanic" was when we saw it at the movies when I was 6, and I replied, 'When everyone fell asleep in their floaties.'
When I was a baby, my mother sucked the equivalent of half an ear of corn out of my nose with a bulb syringe.
It was only on the drive home that I realized that the woman I was trying to woo held the handshake just a little too long.
My therapist thinks I should become a therapist.
My mother accidentally forgot my birth certificate for identification purposes and the rest of my family got on that plane to Jamaica, leaving me behind.
My pantleg got sucked into an escalator when I was 18 months old, and at 21, I still hesitate for a second before stepping onto the moving stairs.
In my over zealous rush to impress the hot blond in PE class, I foolishly paired up with my most uncoordinated friend for the two man potato sack race.
It was only until after we had pooled our money together and bought 250 of them, that we realized Cadbury Eggs are an Easter candy, not a Valentine's Day one.
Speaking English as a second language caused my father to mix up words and promptly apologize to a full lecture hall about being so constipated he could barely speak.
"Don't worry, there isn't a fine associated with this citation," the officer said, "just a $25 processing fee."
UPS called to notify me that the chains for my tires to get me through the ice storm would not be delivered yet due to adverse weather conditions.
In the kitchen cutlery aisle, we smiled politely at the little old lady who leaned in close to tell us 'you can never have too many knives'.
I got an email from a client this morning telling me that they had no internet access.
"Let's all be naked when he gets back in the car" was the best idea he's ever had.
I couldn't understand why they all laughed at me when I suggested that Morse Code should be put on doors for blind people.
It really was a logical question when my 4 year old son asked, "If there is a Godzilla, is there a Jesuszilla?"
"I wrote a poem for you," he said, then proceeded to read "Ode to your cleavage."
Someone who will spend five dollars to mail you an unpackaged banana is someone who deserves to stay in your life for a while, if only to make it a bit more interesting.
I honestly had no idea that it was my girlfriend's mom in the car behind me when I flipped her off.
The pee was on the seat when I got there, but telling you this in passing has been a major setback in me getting your phone number tonight.
Sitting next to my stepdad as I watched the trailer for a movie about a killer stepdad, we laughed, and I realized how much I lucked out.
My mother cooked our Thanksgiving dinner on the kitchen counter that I sat on butt-naked, last night, as my tea brewed.
I pulled on the strange red cord hanging in the handicapped stall in the London hotel bathroom, and figured out what it was for moments later when a frantic employee rushed in, calling, "Are you all right?"
I was mildly interested to realize that, in a theatre camp group having two male instructors, two male counselors, and two female counselors, there was not a person among us who liked women.
My mother says she doesn't know why is marijuana such a problem, because for her it's just a "relaxing herb."
Frankly, it's awkward when you find out the "random jerk" who rear-ended your new car two hours ago is also your new girlfriend's father.
The sign said "Out of order," but I really had to pee.
There is no classy way to ask the dentist for his phone number.
It wasn't until my teacher didn't show up for class that I realized I should've woken him up before leaving his apartment that morning.
My mom hides my Christmas presents better than she hides her sex toys.
I took the last clean fork and the last clean spoon and ate the last of the Top Ramen on the last day of the week, the last day of school before vacation.
It wasn't until she pulled out her homework that I realized that we were not actually on a date.
I asked her the time, and she said "No sweetie, it's Tuesday."
Even before getting completely stoned with my dad, uncle, and cousins that Thanksgiving, I knew I had the best family on earth.
I may regret sleeping with him, but I still think that it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard when he said he was taking Computational Origami.
I was looking for a new and funky hairstyle and thought I found one on google images until I realised that when I clicked on it, it took me to a 'White Pride' website, and now I'm seriously questioning my taste in hairstyles.
My British boyfriend broke up with me after months of refusing to spell color with a u.
Six o'clock in the morning found me staring at my bra and wondering just how I was going to put it on without taking off my hoodie and exposing my flesh to the frigid winter air.
While six months pregnant and sitting in a full doctor's waiting room, the four-year-old I was babysitting declared in her loudest voice, "Your BOOBIES are getting bigger!"
Hopefully, my streak of having to call 911 on Thanksgiving will not continue this year.
When I came home my daughter ran up to me and said, "Grandma taught me to burp the alphabet!".
The man I love proposed to me whilst hanging upside-down from a tree.
Clicking "publish" on that article about toilet paper convinced me that being an editor is terrible for my soul.
Three years ago, I was so ecstatic to be playing with the less talented, B-team football players that I broke my hip on the third play of the game.
When I was 4, I thought my dad's mace/pepper-spray mix was breath spray.
I was hastily packed, and we were off to Argentina - but first, my father fell off the roof and landed directly on our potted cactus.
I knew she was a true friend after we held hands under the stalls and peed together.
I felt so happy to see "16 new notifications" on Facebook before I realized that I was logged in as my dad.
I'll never forget the expression on the cashier's face as I bought laxatives and Immodium together.
Although my parents and the police had spent three frantic hours looking for me, my mother had the presence of mind to take a photograph when they found me fast asleep under my bed.
To this day, I still have no idea what happened to my favorite bra.
My mom joked, "Tell the interviewer, 'I love children, especially with noodles!'"
Water Aerobics: 30% working out 70% floating around gossiping.
Darling Nikki was probably not the best song choice for family karaoke, Christmas, 1984.
My dad couldn't remember what type of animal was on the hood ornament of a Jaguar.
The funny looks from my wife and the lack of morning traffic on the way to work should have clued me in, but it wasn't until I saw the empty parking out that I realized it was Saturday.
I asked if I was alive when my younger brother was born.
He looked at me with the most serious face and said "Ali, I'm about to tell you something very important, no matter how good it smells, NEVER try eating shampoo".
As I sat curled up in his arms, I couldn't help but laugh when this cute scrawny boy said, "Don't worry, I won't seduce you."
Shortly after telling us we needed to lose weight, my grandma was offended that we didn't want all three desserts she had prepared.
I was annoyed at the old man in front of me as he drove 10 mph under the speed limit, but then I saw the cop hiding around the corner.
The look on her face was priceless when I bought whipped cream and a pregnancy test at the same time.
I once gave a report for my writing class in which I explained how Alanis Morrissette's song Ironic used Irony incorrectly as a way of explaining irony, which I thought was in itself ironic.
No one believes me when I tell them my boyfriend's mom broke her foot playing solitaire, even though its completely true.
At the age of eight, I learned the valuable lesson of not looking into a tube of super glue as you squeeze it.
I heard a sharp cry and opened the door to see a Rottweiler cowering in the corner and my five pound cat standing triumphant.
In much the same way a matchmaking mother might say, "He's a nice Jewish boy, and he's a doctor," I said, "He's an atheist, and he juggles!"
When I came out to my dad, he was majorly pissed that I had found a loophole in the "No boys 'till you're 27" rule.
Nothing will change your daily routine faster than moving into a volunteer commune with 300 people and 3 outdoor, unheated showers.
I broke the toilet seat cover on an airplane because I was trying to flush by pushing the handle down with my foot and my foot slipped, came down on the cover, shattering its hinges.
Honest to Pete, he was weedwacking with a chainsaw and picking his nose, shirtless.
I gave up on trying to compete with my brother the day he actually became a rocket scientist.
Imagine my embarrassment, when losing patience with the deli woman's consistently nodding 'No' to my food orders, when I discovered she had Parkinson's.
The day my beloved cat died, my best friend asked me, "Well, did he leave you something in the will?" and my day was a whole lot better.
In his pocket he had a condom, a condom wraper, two broken pens, his mother's pink iPod, a lighter, and a broken cigarette, but no keys.
When I found out I didn't know his real name four months into dating, I knew it probably wasn't going to work out.
As my mom drove away, after backing into the corner of our fenced in yard with our 15-passenger van, she yelled at us, "FIX THE FENCE!"
After surfing dozens of porn sites and downloading thousands of songs illegally, I finally got a virus on my laptop from a website containing quotes from the Bible.
My brother cried and quoted a Barbara Streisand song the day he called to tell me he'd accepted my sexuality.
As I heard "maybe we should just be friends" for the 14th time in 4 years I began to think my current approach wasn't working.
When my boyfriend's 7-year-old sister whispered into my ear that she "wanted an innocent boy, not someone who gets arrested" I knew she would turn out okay after all.
I worked 8 hours today stocking a store, complete with lifting, bending, stretching, only to throw out my back while flushing the toilet at home.
When I was pregnant I used to think feeling the baby move was gas, but now whenever I have gas I think I'm pregnant.
My aunt taught me to drive in the cemetery because "I couldn't hurt anyone in there."
A 5'2" mother becomes a very imposing figure when angered while holding a vegetable knife.
Until that day, I never quite understood the feelings of the author of the onesentence that read, "The spare was flat, too."
Over the sound of my neighbor vomiting, I heard his friend tell him, "Hey, to help you throw up more, picture venereal diseases!"
Upon seeing the university police stroll into my apartment looking for me for the third time in as many months, I decided that I was in fact ready to graduate.
One Halloween when I was little, before I knew any dirty words, my family dressed my puppy up in a skeleton costume so I called him a "boner."
"Look at all the stars!", I said in awe, to which he replied, as he peed in the bushes, "Where?"
While watching my brother-in-law use my childhood Bible to roll a joint, I realized we are probably going to hell.
After the third fire alarm of the week, we stopped evacuating the building, because we figured the cold outside would probably kill us faster than the little infernos in the cafeteria downstairs.
I hit a born-again Christian with a fossil and was later informed I needed to credit a comedian for that moment in my life.
After falling out of the shower and bashing my head on the toilet, I realized that the shower is, in fact, NOT the best place to try and learn the "Running Man" dance.
In a fit of rage I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and yanked him down so I could look him square in the eye, only to accidentally slam our heads together and knock us both out briefly.
I never thought that one day I would come home to a fire truck in my drive way and my dad valiantly dousing the trees with a hose after our burn pile shifted to the woods, but it has made an excellent dinner story at every family gathering since.
I'll never forget the day my mom turned to me out of the blue and informed me, "When I die, I want everyone to dress as clowns at my funeral."
If you you drink too much and ask your sorority sister to kiss you, they will never let you forget it, even if you can't remember it.
I will admit I defiled the tradition and sacredness of Mustache March by shaving mine off.
I knew he was the one to keep when our second date, during which I accidentally gave him a facial scar with my teeth, was not the last.
This morning, my dad was doing the laundry and my stepmom was fixing the pipes.
I curled up in bed after my shower, naked as the day I was born, not expecting the fire alarm to go off at 4 am in my co-ed dorm.
When he told his four-year-old daughter that the doctor just needed to look at her eyes to make sure they were okay, she whispered, "Will he put them back in when he's done looking at them?"
Right before the janitor turned the lights in the classroom on, we feigned sleep thinking she wouldn't know we were making out.
It wasn't until after I discovered the 3D glasses from "Avatar" still in my purse that I realized I had accidentally dropped my $40 sunglasses into the recycling bin instead.
While my mother and her boyfriend were upstairs I quietly removed his size 34 jacket from the back of the chair and replaced it with my nearly identical size 46.
The day I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder was the day I chased my best friend down the street with a butterfly knife.
Attempting to blow out a candle with Listerine in my mouth was a bad idea.
I experienced the concequences of failing to label the tupparware tubs containing both toothpaste and sunblock.
I used to demand a new world order in flawless iambic pentameter, but now I'd settle for one in sixteen-syllable haiku.
I just wanted a cookie from the top shelf that morning in 1979, but ended up with a dislocated knee, a broken arm and a rusty nail through my penis.
Thanks to my brother, you'll no longer get detention for having blue hair.
When I came home late and found the lawnmower in my bed, I realized my dad wasn't kidding when he said he wanted the grass mowed "today."
Discovering that window washers do still exist and discovering that I had no idea where my pants were happened at the exact same moment.
Today my son not only discovered that he can avoid taking a nap by climbing out of the crib, but also, if he is extra quite and doesn't wake up mommy, he can climb the fridge to eat the rest of the Christmas candy.
That's when I looked down and realized my fake nail had somehow caught fire, and no one was around to witness it but my fish.
As the door to the Taco Bell restroom came crashing over top of me, all I could think to say to him was "I said I'd be out in a minute."
I realized the crumbled bit of pill left over resembled a cookie, and laughed out loud at the image of the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street gobbling up Lorazepam.
Fast-drying nail varnish doesn't seem like such a great idea when it's splattered all over the leather sofa.
The thing about dropping your toothbrush in a toilet is that you only get one toothbrush at boot camp.
After one look into his bloodshot eyes, I instantly regretted not tipping the pizza delivery boy in weed.
Someone had a piano that was broken, and someone else had a bunch of land, so that inevitably led to a very well-attended piano burning party late one night.
You know it is time to clean out your garage when you find a box of live kittens in it.
She mis-dialed my number and ended up talking to a very excited 5 year old with the same name.
She confessed afterwards that she had never seen a real life spit-take until she had dinner with my family.
Sick of having Outlook tell me my Dell Optiplex was a potpie, I added it to the dictionary.
As he gently caressed me his video game shouted out, "HOSTILE CONTACT!"
While studying for the SATs my friend became so frustrated she pulled a knife and stabbed our study book.
I couldn't help but smile as my third grader threw the ball through the hoop and yelled, ''Touchdown!''
Only after stepping on a lego in the middle of the night and ignoring the pain in order not to wake up the little princess I was carrying to bed did I realize that I was really a dad and not just a father.
In the middle of my fifth winter, I slipped and fell and cracked my head open on a set of cement stairs because I thought the paint on the railings was wet.
Good friends cover your naked ass when you throw your back out while in the shower, but best friends laugh hysterically and make grandma jokes first.
To her credit, she didn't eat the one that fell on the floor.
Standing naked in a shower, in a foreign land, I realized I bought conditioner, not shampoo, AGAIN.
My sister's name backwards is "Ah, Satan!"
The first time I ever shaved, my dad said, "Be careful, the razors are razor-sharp."
On my coming out to my mother, she told the whole family, adding that if they had a problem with it, she would have no problem burying them, dead or alive.
It was only when we started using webcams for phone conferencing at work that I learned how to yawn without opening my mouth.
I was already halfway through the mustard-on-a-bun when I realized I forgot to put the hotdog on it.
Narrowly avoiding being hit by the car, I yelled, "Hey, this is a one-way street!" and he yelled back, "I am only going one way!"
While trick-or-treating, my four-year-old nephew received a plastic baggy full of dirty pennies.
I got written up for being insubordinate for refusing to pick up the dead beaver carcass.
I prayed that when she returned from the ladies room she'd be too drunk to notice that I had abandoned not only her, but also her purse.
And then her grandmother walked in and just started laughing!
My mother stopped buying me Barbies when I was a child after she found them hanging by their necks from the stairwell.
I ate a baked potato like an apple, because I was too lazy to go downstairs for a fork.
After playing dollhouse with my goldfish for the fourth time, my mother finally decided to buy me a hamster.
My english teacher said if we got enough sentences published we could count it as our midterm.
I know he had fun because he yelled "SHAM-WOW!" at the end.
It was probably inappropriate to laugh when the preacher tripped over the alterboy.
How was I supposed to explain to my co-workers that the wet spots on my pants were caused by a mosquito flying all around the urinal?
Mom unknowingly ate the mushroom chocolates I left in the fridge after the music festival.
I once cut my friend's hair for free, but he complained so much during the haircut that I shaved letters into the side of his head.
Nothing is more awkwardly fulfilling than having a child prefer you over their own mother.
I should have known he was bad news when he told me he used to pour milk in his bed and sleep in it.
I remember fighting with my sisters over who would make what breakfast item, when my mother finally had it and yelled "You make the grits and I'll cut the cheese!"
I wasn't even drunk when I pushed the liquor store's shopping cart into the night manager's car.
After I circled B for the tenth time, I had to wonder if I was getting all the answers wrong or if my teacher had a sick sense of humor.
It wasn't until I looked on the floor in the backseat of my car that I realized my lacy black thong was still on the floor from two nights ago.
On my very first camping trip, I learned that if I drop a dead caterpillar in my mom's coffee, she will not only not get mad at me, but she will also still drink the coffee.
My neighbor just casually returned two pairs of panties that I'd left in the shared washing machine.
I didn't understand what was so funny until I realized a Bachelors of Journalism from Fontbonne University is a "BJ from FU".
I was trying to be funny by pointing out to my boyfriend that his girlfriend is such a dork, but it came out better than expected when I told him "Your dork is such a girlfriend."
As I tried to tag a sentence I submitted, my computer suggested the tags "sex, poison ivy, humor, feet" and I can't remember ever submitting a sentence that would include those four things.
My dog set the security alarm off, and as a result, 32 policemen with 8 police cars rushed to my house.
My rider friend assures me that 'Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear' is about the LAST thing you want to see when the mirror's on your motorcycle and the object is an irritable grizzly bear.
We realized as we went up to pay our respects, that though they shared the same name and everyone was very friendly, we were obviously at the wrong funeral.
Today I was fired from Barnes and Noble because a customer complained that I had stocked Christian Bibles in the fiction section.
Coincidentally I met the next man I would love on the same night the last man I loved cheated on me.
When asked how he could be certain the speaker had blown, Dad dramatically explained (with grandiose arm gestures) that, "I plugged it in and all I heard was nothing".
My sister caught me eating the callus I'd peeled off the bottom of my foot, and that was the end of that habit.
My sister's comment that her new computer had a 1GB harddrive confirmed my suspicions that she didn't know enough about computers to make such a purchase.
I froze in utter awkwardness as the gas station attendant told me to stand very still, leaned towards my face with a soft look of concentration in his eyes, raised his hand slowly to my face as if to caress it, and then flicked frantically at a wasp stuck in my bangs.
Pointing to the penis, I assured my client that her dog was, in fact, a male not a female, and encouraged her to forgo the bedtime kiss on his "belly button."
When Mom confessed her ice cream weakness by telling her friends at the beauty parlor that she loved Dove Bars, one lady gasped, "You eat SOAP?!"
I kept screaming, thinking I'd gone blind, until my mom rushed into my room and told me to open my eyes.
Thinking that a wedgie was a kind of cookie, I eagerly accepted one.
True parenting is going out into the rain to search through the paper recycling bin by torchlight for your son's missing collectible trading cards, and then resisting the urge to strangle him when he finds they were in his coat pocket all the time.
I am fairly certain I accidentally flashed my high school principal and her dinner party while taking a shower
My 46-year-old father chipped his tooth pretending he was Jimi Hendrix.
I would have enjoyed meeting my father's grandfather, the one who used to get drunk and dress up in his wife's clothes.
My wallet and gas tank were both 100% empty, but my journey home was sponsored by a ninety-year-old man who paid me $5 to flash him in the crowded parking lot of the gas station.
You do not want to be returning your grandchildren to their parents after realizing how much a bottle of Nair looks like the bottle of Waterbabies.
During a somewhat fuzzy post-flu recovery power walk, a group of 10 or so college age men running towards me along the trail suddenly lined up single file and gave me high-fives.
I was laughing with the cashier at a local cafe about an official-looking brass plaque mounted in front of the register that read, "In 2008 nothing happened here," when my wife walked up, read the plaque, and said, "We should get one of these for our bedroom."
I knew you loved me when you came back inside the restaurant laughing after running across the street through traffic in freezing rain, to check on what I thought was a hurt bird, and turned out to be cardboard flapping over a ventilation shaft.
Organizational Assembly had been unwittingly shortened to OrgAsm on my transcript which also stated that my performance in it had been perfect.
I found it oddly appropriate that the night I couldn't get the temporary heart tattoo off my forearm was the night you broke my heart.
I only told them about my tattoo so they could identify my body if necessary.
I was relieved when my middle-school friend revealed to me that, unlike what my mother had told me, hot dogs were not the penises of pigs.
The very second I lost my virginity, a car outside my room sounded their custom Dukes of Hazard horn.
After I spilled gasoline on my shoes while topping off my car's tank on the way to lunch, my daughter announced to the cashier at McDonald's, "If you smell gas, it's coming from my mom."
After my mom dropped a frozen corndog down the back of my sweatpants, I stopped talking back.
It was perfectly in character for me as a child, when I maintained to my first grade teacher that my favorite animal was not a giraffe or tiger, but grass.
During a 6.2 earthquake that shook our building violently, my half-asleep husband sat up, looked at me in confusion and asked, "What are you doing?"
When she burst out laughing at the sight of me naked, I had the feeling that it wasn't gonna happen.
Ronald Reagan's robe fell open in front of me and there he was naked as the day he was born.
Five years later, I still have a scar of my husband's entire dental impression from when he bit my abdomen.
While my husband (then boyfriend) proposed, I could see a man standing on a picnic table and peeing into the bushes in my peripheral vision - but it was the best night of my life all the same.
We thought we were being so sneaky with our teenage sex rendevous, until we walked up the stairs to his room and heard his dad say, "Better make it a quickie guys."
My sister was obsessed with Ricky Martin until she had a dream that he stabbed and killed me.
When my parents asked "Why did you two ever break up?" it might not have have been so painfully awkward if he hadn't been sitting right next to me.
My mom frantically searched for me around the house to finally find me finishing off a big stick of butter.
After our older son declared his desire to be a veterinarian, the seven-year-old said, "I want to be a Chinese man."
Sledding was great until the tree got in my way.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Imagine my relief in my decision to sit on the grass when the rock beside me got up and walked away, presumably to go play with the other bobcats.
It was only after I voted "no" on an unapproved entry that I realized it was one of my own.
I thought my sister was joking when she said she wanted to take over the world, but now she's majoring in political science and foreign relations with a minor in economics.
While walking down a street in New Orleans with his wife and two young daughters, my father was approached by a prostitute.
Seeing Wolverine's naked hiney with my mom was surprisingly not awkward.
Soon my monthly therapy sessions were replaced with monthly orthodontist visits.
The fire we started in that corn field was terrible for more reasons than just its failure to produce popcorn.
After saying "I am missing my G-string" out loud, I realized that nobody knew I was talking about my guitar.
It's amazing how fast you can run when something's on fire.
"She's lived in Columbia her entire life," I told my brother, and then, after a moment of reflection added, "Columbia, Maryland."
Our first kiss seemed to have perfect timing, immediately after her accidental elbow to my forehead.
The most embarrassing moment wasn't when I accidentally poured a pint of beer down the guest's back but 10 seconds later when I slipped on said beer, fell on to the shattered glass and lost my shoe on my way to get paper towel.
I realized today that squeezing my own boob feels a lot like squeezing my boyfriends butt.
This morning I was dangerously close to buying a 24-pack of condoms with my Mothers' Day card before realizing the embarrassing implications.
My crazy Polish dad came inside after digging a hole for a new tree in the backyard, holding the skull of "Speedy," my cat who had died months before and said, "Look, it's Speedy! Meow!"
I realized how much I had finally let go of religion when I chose my flimsy Bible as a hard surface to write on over one of my hard-backed fantasy novels.
The $1 store swiss rolls I bought to console myself were better than all the expensive chocolates I received when we were together.
As I overheard my employees gossiping about how I "need to get laid," I had to wonder, would that prescription change if any of them knew I am a recovering sex addict.
I just realized after looking at the photos in the "sold" listing of my foreclosed home, I forgot my soap dispenser in the bathroom when I moved out.
At the age of 17, a trainee religion teacher told me, an unbaptized athiest, that I wouldn't be given an apple at break if I continued to refuse to write a letter to God.
It seems like immediately after every time I buy pot, I run my car into something stationary.
She awoke from her slumber to answer her cell phone, but it was the radio that was playing her song.
As the cashier scanned the pregnancy test, I hoped she wouldn't notice that the next item was a box of condoms.
When questioned about wearing a long-sleeve shirt on the warmest day of summer, my mom grudgingly admitted that she mistook the ink-pad refill bottle for her roll-on deodorant that morning.
After getting the third package in the mail with a toy cow in it, I concluded that my mother and younger sister were trying to force me to collect cows.
My cat, Scoop, sits in the bathtub for exactly twenty minutes after I have showered, and this morning, she pulled out all the hair that was clogging up the drain using one hooked claw
The time I got my hand stuck in the blades of the electric stand mixer, resulting in pieces of bloody knuckle skin littering the dough, I seriously considered baking the cookies anyways.
I awoke this morning to the sensation of my dog, curled up against me under the covers, licking my butt.
I am very happy that I was asked to be my girlfriend's sister's stepdaughter's stepsister's godfather.
As a professional nanny, I've found that scaring a baby doesn't alleviate her hiccups, but it does scar her for life.
I wish my husband would have been as faithful as my fat is.
After a few seconds of brushing my teeth, I realized that the store brand flouride toothpaste had the same red and white packaging as the tube of Ben-Gay.
I realized the ineptitude of my English teacher when she pronounced "faux-pas" phonetically.
As I licked off my finger I realized how much Spicy Szechuan Sauce looks like Apple Butter and how much my 1-year-old would enjoy cold cereal for breakfast.
When I was six years old, I cried when my family told me we couldn't go see the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park because they were all already dead.
Delivering pizza became a life-affirming occupation the day the half-naked couple in their seventies opened the door, releasing billowing clouds of pot smoke and Jefferson Airplane into the atmosphere.
I have a twisted family that made me believe that chocolate milk came from brown cows until I was 14.
For some reason, I was pleasantly surprised when my vanilla pudding tasted like fish.
I realized how much I hated working in the OC when I saw a couple pushing a stroller meant for twins, and instead of twins it contained four poodles wearing pink argyle sweaters.
When my professor asked me how stressed out I was, I explained to her that I had been naked in a public restroom that morning and didn't even realize it.
Promptly after arriving at college and trying to clean up after my roommates, I phoned my mom and apologized for 18 years of not helping tidy the kitchen more.
I soon discovered that thinking, "Don't puke, don't puke" does not prevent one from puking in the middle of a final exam in front of 400 people.
All through dinner I thought her leg was touching mine until I looked down and realized it was only the table leg.
Nothing is more embarassing than having to tell the doctors that the stab to my eye that was causing me to get the stitches in my eyelid was all because my sister was trying to write 'loser' on my forehead.
I once got barfed on by a baby during hour 3 of a 14-hour plane flight to Australia.
I was almost said it out loud, but then I realized "I almost bit your armpit" is a weird thing to tell someone.
An excited 3 AM call about his first homosexual experience in desperate confidentiality to June, was followed by my response of, "Um, you have the wrong number."
My dog was so desperate to avoid his bath that he pretended to vomit.
As I left my apartment listening to Daivd Bowie's "1984," I noticed the new security cameras they had installed across the alley.
The more text messages I see on the phone bill, the higher chances my son has a new girlfriend.
One can only wonder how plausible the words "I'm still a virgin" could possibly have sounded after her little brother told their mother that he heard the bed squeaking rhythmically.
Like most people, I didn't imagine my first make-out session as involving a bowl of bananas, a waffle maker, and being interrupted by my fencing coach.
My best friend of nine years still won't let go of the time I accidentally pushed her in front of a taxi before ripping her out of the way.
My oldest sister once curiously asked my Grandma Helen why her phone number was written on her arm.
While it was comforting to hear the cop's reassurances that he personally did not believe we were pedophiles, it really didn't do much to help the situation.
Today I saw a chicken walking up 9th Avenue and, being very tired, he sat down on a metal door in the sidewalk beside a couple of Mexican guys.
During two years of graduate school, I never imagined that my career would involve taking pictures of raisins.
It was at "Disney on Ice" when my Dad told me Walt Disney was a Nazi.
When I realized I had my period on the night of senior prom, I was glad I didn't wait.
During the party, an awkward silence fell in the room after my wife's grandmother asked me loudly if I'd ever seen a shaved beaver.
The day I moved out of my apartment was the day I discovered the bathroom mirror was actually the door to a medicine cabinet.
I was trying to call my brother long distance but dialed 911 by accident, when they showed up and realised my mistake, the police officer paged "to cancel the other unit."
The correct response to your wife after coming home from an emergency call only to find that your son had caught the majority of the backyard on fire is not, "That's what you called me home for?"
You know your adult son is home visiting when you find an empty beer can in your shower.
Somewhere in the Colorado penal system, there is a man named David with my name tattooed on his chest.
I've garnered two Emmy Awards plus two Associated Press awards and I'll always be known as the dude who hit the "perfect showcase bid" on The Price Is Right.
He'll never know how much time and effort goes into making homemade pierogis.
I had to explain I'd lose my job as a swimming teacher if someone drowned in my class, again.
When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.
That night I fell out of bed and smacked my nose on the metal bedframe, and the next morning my dad joked that the toothfairy pushed me.
My cat challenged me to a game of "Guess Where I Pooped Before You Step In It" and I lost.
Before I had a three year old child, I never imagined I'd discuss whether turtles have eyebrows.
My eight year soccer career ended with me scoring my very first goal after which I promptly threw up.
When my six-year-old brother puked squash all over our dining room table, Mom decided she did not wield the power to make us eat anything.
When I was little, my older brother had me convinced that the members of Hootie and the Blowfish were named Hootie, And, The, and Blowfish.
Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, Petunia, do NOT put ass cream on your face."
As we walked down the "Feminine Products" aisle, my 3-year-old son grabbed a box of panty liners off the shelf and said, "Look, Mama, Mouse Diapers!"
A yeast infection brought us together and bad spelling broke us apart.
If I could've stopped laughing long enough, it may have occurred to me that perhaps my quacking dog needed to see a vet.
To which I answered, "We now can communicate in code undetected by our adversaries and allies alike, simply by inputting a single sentence, to be posted on an unread, underfunded, underground governmental experiment in the form of a web page".
Just because she just had surgery didn't mean I had to let her win during the Uno tournament.
Despite his exasperation, I enjoyed the irony of holding the door for the hotel doorman.
When I opened the door I noticed 2 things: one, someone had made cookies, and two, all the furniture was missing, in that order.
Suspecting OCD, I tried mismatching my grey-striped monogram-banded blue socks with my grey-striped monogram-banded blue boxers.
We put our clothes back on so fast that if we hadn't hesitated in his room, panicking, his parents might never have found out.
I can't believe that you smiling at me was the highlight of a day where I got an A on a test, found twenty bucks, and won a debate.
Just when I thought I'd never get to type, "Dude, I KNOW that girl," I found pictures of her in a seedy corner of the internet.
He gave me a pair of shiny diamonds for Christmas, but I would have preferred a pair of shiny running shoes.
I asked my friend if I could use his computer for a second only to find the words "how to properly pick your nose" in the google search queue.
The other day I got into the shower with my bra on and I didn't even notice.
I really didn't mean to get the fake Prada purse vendor arrested.
My wedding began after his ex-girlfriend was removed from the church and ended after I lit my veil on fire with the Unity candle.
I once played DanceDanceRevolution for 4 hours straight then jumped off a balcony into a pool, only to almost drown because the muscles in both my legs stopped working the moment I hit the water.
My teacher told me my excuse was more bogus than a story she had read on One Sentence, which happened to be the truest thing I had ever written.
What my government teacher doesn't know is that when he's lecturing about Roe vs. Wade, I'm wondering what size tutu would be needed to accommodate his mass.
When I was 10-years-old, I gave my mom a note that said, "You are a bich!" and she laughed and showed me my mistake.
In spite of the damage to my car and my body, I couldn't help but laugh at becoming the second person in my family to hit a Burger King.
After the accident, still in a drunken stupor, he asked the cop how the police got there so fast, to which the officer replied, "You hit MY car."
After that dream, I never saw Ronald McDonald the same again.
I saw Santa chuckle to himself and realized I had heard correctly, the little guy did ask for Chinese food for Christmas.
It is not lost on me that taking my cat to a pet psychiatrist suggests I might need a human one myself.
I laughed out loud in class at the severe irony when he pronounced it "foo pah."
Moments after my three year old son stated, "I help Daddy," I came to realize that our Christmas tree was on fire.
When asked by the mechanic what sort of engine I had, I responded "A black one," and didn't understand why he couldn't stop laughing.
My ramen has the slightest hint of dishwasher soap flavoring.
When I told him I wouldn't have sex with him in the back of his car, he replied, "But it's an Audi."
You know work is exciting when in the same week you can say, "I got attacked by an angry black midget" and "I was bitten by a lesbian stripper."
Announcing "I am loose" in a hostel gave me a lot of unwanted attention but no directions to the rail station.
I gave the high school freshman my phone number so he could brag to his friends and because it reaffirmed that I want to be a journalist when I grow up
When I was little, my mom told me that the bottom of the pool smelled really good.
When I picked up my black grandfather from a white woman's house running down the fire escape holding his pants up, I realized I had an interesting childhood.
I stood in the cereal aisle for ten minutes trying to pick the Marshmallow Mateys bag with the highest marshmallow-to-anchor ratio.
My best friend looked at me and said, "My mouth tastes like Spring Break."
Worse than the pain of the tattoo was the embarrassment that he had to shave my toe first.
When I realized you had a can of Chef Boyardee as a backup dinner for our first date, I knew I would love you.
I made a face and declared, "You have to CHOOSE to put your tongue up someone else's nose!"
Judith told me later that the deaf woman wasn't blowing kisses at me, she was saying "thank you" in ASL.
As I lay in bed curled up in the fetal position, I realized that quitting smoking really was going to be that hard.
My mom always joked that I could get a tattoo if it said, "I love Mom," so I made her hold my hand when I got it.
During a romantic dinner away from the kids, I looked down at my hand and saw that there was poop on my diamond.
There really is no easy way to explain why there was an electric toothbrush stuck in my hair last night.
When I bared my soul and told my husband that I wanted to be calmed by the sound of running water while I sleep, he told me to get my pillow and lay down next to the toilet.
The day my Mother accidentally left my little brother at the dog pound gave me the only self-esteem boost I would ever need.
It wasn't until I sat down at the table that I realized I had drizzled maple syrup over my kung pao tofu instead of soy sauce.
I was bleeding and in pain, but I had to laugh when the ER nurse asked the guy in the next room, "You swallowed HOW MANY toothbrushes?"
When the man in the library saw me watching him smell the old dictionary, he pretended to look up a word (but I could tell he was still smelling).
No one believes me when I tell them I've actually slipped on a banana peel.
Halfway through the song, my host sister told me that my dance partner was the Mongolian Olympic silver medalist in boxing.
It took him 30 practice swings just to flop horribly on his one actual swing.
I now have the best icebreaker story I've ever had for parties, because this summer, after I helped out for a couple of days, the circus tried to run away with ME.
I'm selling my old mattress to a guy I had a one-night stand with.
When I was finally able to relax after pushing for 30 mins, he said "Good news, you didn't poop!"
When the one-armed Amishman sitting next to me started talking about condoms, I knew it was going to be an interesting train ride.
The four middle aged ladies I shared a joint with in that state park campground in New Mexico made up an elaborate story about my cross-country road trip that wasn't anywhere near as interesting as the truth.
As the actor dressed in the Minnie costume stepped on my sandaled four-year old foot after I asked for an autograph I never received, I realized that Disneyland was not "The Happiest Place on Earth" after all.
One of my most vivid memories as a child was kicking my brothers privates, not because I was mad at him, but because I was curious if the men in the movies really felt the pain.
When I was three, I thought my mom's hot curling iron was a popsicle.
I never thought I could become immune to watching my boys drink water out of the dog's bowl.
My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Funny" and has been using it all over the internet.
On our middle school class trip to new York City, my cousin got slapped by a bum.
Not being quite attuned to college life, I reflexively put my old home address while ordering a porn DVD.
I'm not an overweight 19-year-old female, but Facebook ads seem to think so.
My little brother thinks that he is a super hero because he is convinced he can poop the alphabet.
I realized the dress code was less strict that I had previously thought when the female science teacher showed up wearing lederhosen.
For breakfast, my Mongolian host parents gave me a boiled sheep's head and a knife.
When I asked my son how hitting his brother in the eye could be "an accident," he replied, "I was trying to hit him in the nose."
Walking downtown, holding hands with my long-haired boyfriend, I often wondered how many people who saw us from behind thought we were lesbians.
In order to desensitize my roommate to various things involved in childbirth I hid sticky notes around the room with the words like "placenta" on them.
Running into my uptight, conservative boss at a gay bar was both the most embarrassing and the most gratifying experience of my life.
You know you live in a hippie commune when you go to bed alone and wake up with three other people and think this is normal.
I tried to ignore the fact that I was alone in my dorm on a Saturday night and focused my energy into color-coding the rest of my shoes.
"One Sentence" helped me stay awake until two in the morning so I could take my second morning after pill.
I almost had to repeat the ninth grade for attempted arson, all because the three of us were bored at lunch and decided to try to light my sandwich on fire.
My therapist was relatively quiet while I talked, until I mentioned that Paul Newman had died, which elicited from her a dramatic gasp.
As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.
The truth is, the only birthday card I received was from my therapist.
I have three giant bruises and a bit of a bruised ego as proof that you can, in fact, forget how to ride a bicycle.
I can't tell what's worse: the death of the boy who pulled down his underwear in front of me in the first grade or feeling terrible every time I tell people about the first time I ever saw a penis.
I stopped believing in God the day that my neighbour claimed that Holy Mother Mary had appeared as a humidity spot on his bathroom wall and tried to charge me $2 to see it.
Being in the 'haunted' condemned mental hospital was worth the concussion I received from the headfirst dive I made into the car after being spotted by the police.
When my 8-year-old niece came home from her friend's birthday party and assured me that she did not drink any beer, I knew something was very wrong with our culture.
It always brings a smile to my face when my dad tells large groups of strangers how he once cut himself on Jello.
I've never been as proud as I was when I sat down and honestly said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I HAVE been flossing."
201 electricity-free hours will make you reconsider ever buying frozen fish again.
Alicia said, "Feliz Navidad," to which Jeanne replied, "But you're Filipino, not Jewish."
Every time I have to ask what I did last night I feel like Sherlock Holmes.
By putting the card table on the property line I had outwitted my parents punishment of "stay in the yard with no friends over."
It was at that moment that I realized just how similar are the tastes of fresh fish and week old, unrefrigerated turkey.
She tried to convert me to Christianity because I looked Jewish.
After finding out her grandfather was in the army, my daughter asked "Was he with the green guys or the tan guys?"
In Physics of Music class, I learned that a wave is defined as "a traveling disturbance" and I thought of my ex-boyfriend.
It started an hour late because the first comic was a pothead who left the microphone at Taco Bell when he had a snack attack before the show.
How was I supposed to know what "cease and desist" meant?
If you thought toilet paper on the back of your shoe was bad, try someone else's used pad.
It's been four days, and I still don't know what I should have said to the pretty girl sitting next to me who said "Everybody likes good porn."
When I was little I thought the "f" word was "fart" because I wasn't allowed to say it.
I found out, for some odd reason, my printer speaks in Spanish.
In one day I had convinced my grandfather I was old enough to drive his riding mower and ran over the new slide with the riding mower.
As I watched him squat off the rail road bridge with two of my friends holding his arms to keep him from falling into the river thirty feet below, I wondered how fast he'd be able to move with his pants around his ankles as I saw a train round the corner.
I told my eight-year-old daughter she could choose lemonade, lemonade or lemonade and she asked "What was the second one again?"
We met because he'd hit me in the back of the head with his trombone slide.
I took a huge bite of rice pudding only to realize that it was actually tartar sauce.
I found out the reason the emails to my old friend bounced is because unbeknownst to me, Steven was now Janet.
I will never again give cucumbers from my garden as a gift to a man with erectile dysfunction.
I took my wife's sluttiest panties with me to the Kentucky bar exam because they had always been lucky for me.
I lied to them when I said I found my keys at the park because I didn't want to admit my own stupidity at having accidentally dropped them into my bag of carrots.
Two days after I berated my incompetent roommate for flooding the laundry room, I flooded the laundry room.
An impatient check of the UPS online tracking center reveals that the package has been on my front porch for three days.
I had to go to the hospital in the 7th grade after I fell off my bike because the sombrero I was wearing to block the sun blew off and I instinctively reached back to grab it and lost balance.
After we finished kissing, I laughed and said,"Can you please go brush your teeth?"
I think the best revenge I could possibly have pales in comparison to knowing your co-op board is about to stage an intervention about over how bad you smell.
I know doctors hear it all, but how many other people fracture their hand while rapping on the wall to try to get the neighbors to stop having such loud sex?
"Well, I'm no gynecologist", I murmured into the phone, "But I'll come over and have a look."
I need a vacuum cleaner to clean out my vacuum cleaner.
All I could think of as my friend sat naked next to me encouraging me to throw up was what a great One Sentence it would make.
I imagine the people at Harvard gave my application the same look Mary received from the Israelites when she told them her new son, Jesus, was immaculately conceived.
It figures: the one time I get a hot-looking nurse, it's for my colonoscopy.
I accidentally cut my finger open while slicing honeydew and bled on it, then licked the blood off, and served it to my mother-in-law.
When my girlfriend and I were robbed, the cop asked if the red spots on my neck were from the fight.
Did the nurse really have to laugh when my mom said her nine-year-old had dropped a toenail in his eye and we couldn't find it?
He sang to me as we danced in the fountain and later he caressed my cheek, stroked my neck, touched my adam's apple, and asked me if I was a man.
When asked to donate a dollar to Lou Gehrig's Disease research (ALS), the customer replied, "No, I'm not a Yankees fan".
I discovered in front of the entire store that gourmet dog biscuits look like, but do not taste like, people cookies.
I think my dad realized I would never take out the garbage again when the trash bag he told me to pick up turned out to be a three-foot-long snake coiled up in a corner.
I panicked, thinking my precious fluffy cat had a tumor, until I realized he just had a Cocoa Puff stuck to his ass.
I couldn't decide which was weirder: falling asleep next to a stack of unopened bank statements or waking up on top of a bunch of open ones.
He was running towards me, calling my name, when all of the sudden he stopped and made a horrid face as he looked at his shoe.
We got quite the looks at the hospital, walking around with her hands glued to my feet in wheelbarrow position.
I began to wonder what kind of vibe I was putting off when a guy gave me his number on a $20 bill, a married couple propositioned me, and I was set up with a porn star all in one week.
As I dropped my spare change into his cup and heard a splash, I was horrified to realize he was not a homeless person begging for money but just a guy on the corner enjoying his coffee.
When my wife's only comment to my former mistress was "Thanks for taking care of him while I was away," I knew that I would never again be unfaithful .
The irony that I had taken a day off from my job collecting horse urine to go to the doctors and have to provide a urine sample did not escape me at all.
The vet and I laughed until we cried when my boyfriend almost fainted because she took his cat's temperature rectally.
I thought he was going to ask me for a dollar, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend I blurted, "No, can't you get it from somebody else?"
I knew I was going to fail the class when the professor pulled me aside and asked, "Do you have a learning disability I should know about?"
The one-night-stand girl and I met again at an extended family reunion.
I couldn't stop staring at his crotch as we sorted concrete mixes in the lab.
I knew my boyfriend had finally been accepted into the family when my dad gave him a key to his garage.
As I contemplated removing my birthmark, the woman in the dressing room said she used to have a birthmark just like that and then showed me the hideous scar that replaced it.
It was only when my English professor started replacing the "said"s with "and was like"s in my assignments that I started to question the worth of my high school diploma.
The cop and I had a delightful conversation about sweaters and the weather and to this day he does not know that I was drunk and not even 17 yet.
When I called my dad, crying, from journalism camp and told him I had no friends, he explained, "Well, Eliot, you're kind of a nerd."
As a first year science teacher, I realised that parent-teacher interviews formed my best ever lessons in human genetics.
I don't care if your last name is a word for a genital condition, I still love every little thing about you.
The moment the bears arrived we knew we had picked the worse of the two campsites.
She realized I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.
It's not until you live in a dorm room that shares a wall with a stairwell that you realize people are horrible at carrying things up and down steps.
Walking home in the pouring rain was not the best time to discover a hole in my shoe.
I lost the ping-pong tournament to an exchange student who apparently has nothing better to do in his country.
I would have never have met my true love if it weren't for my sudden desire to plant turnips.
I knew God had a sense of humor when I hesitantly answered the ringing K-Mart payphone, only to hear my best friend, who had misdialed my home phone number, on the other end.
When the doctor told me I had strep throat, I knew it was time to confront my roommate about her illicit use of my toothbrush.
As I sat in the stranger's van, clutching my knee, the only thing I managed to say was, "I am SO sorry for bleeding on you seat, ma'am."
My friend had tears of joy in his eyes when he found out his locker number was 1337.
It's a good thing the local news camera was only shooting from the chest up, because other than his tuxedo jacket, he was wearing fishnets, army boots, and not much else.
Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero.
Whenever my campus tour groups ask about the library facilities, I am tempted to explain to them how exactly I know that the private study rooms are soundproof.
This morning, I found a spot on my washcloth that smelled like really good pot.
Carving my name into your arm with an old metal compass was probably not the best way to win my affection.
My doctor told me i was 2 lbs. overweight and suggested I join Weight Watchers.
I lit the gasoline-soaked, freshly-cut branches with a lighter that was about five feet too short.
Reading through the unapproved sentences yesterday, I was impressed with the emotional intensity and similarity I had with one of them, until I realized it was one of my own.
As the vomit crawled up my throat I suddenly realized I was holding the barf bag upside down.
I used to want to be a writer when I grew up, until I learned the word "poverty."
I crashed my friend's car on a sandwich run and to top it off, I brought him back the wrong sandwich.
She realized her sleeping habits were going to change when the crack heads at the clinic next door smoked their cigarettes and chattered loudly at 5:45 AM for the 4th day in a row.
We were going to stay up all night recording experimental music on his computer like John and Yoko, but then his mom came in and told us it was time for him to go to bed.
There is no odder combination of items at the grocery store than a jar of Vaseline and a single cucumber.
My neighbor just found out that I get dressed with the blinds open.
We thought my dog had a tick and tried "smoking it out" with a hot match only to discover it was her nipple.
Yesterday my five year old told me that he found out at school that Heaven is full of dead people.
I blew out my knee making love to my fiance a week before I had to go to the recruiters office.
My uncle laughed uncontrollably at my flustered mother as she explained my mentally retarded brother's behavior of waving at cars while walking nude through the neighborhood, but the jokes ended the next day when it was my uncle who found a pile of my brother's clothes on the front porch.
I thought the worst gift ever given was a cheese grater given to my mom by my dad for Christmas, but he recently topped it with a flashlight, key chain and hand warmers for her birthday.
Because he slept on the top bunk, my brother always called me "the monster under the bed."
Yesterday my four-year-old married his "girlfriend" and they shared a fruit muffin as their wedding cake.
The most romantic moment of my life ended with the word "boner."
My mother forgot to wash the pans between courses, resulting in cherry pie that tasted vaguely of fish, but it was still the best birthday ever.
I used to think a futon was a cross between a crouton and a wonton, and would always get weird looks from the waitstaff when I'd try to order one at an Asian restaurant.
I got tested for STDs and had my ears cleaned today.
1 hour and 45 minutes, a talkative bald man, a crack-head with a faxing issue, and 13 color copies later, I am still hours away from ready for tomorrow.
It took me two years to realize that I'd sacrificed way too much to keep him happy, and I can't believe what finally sent me over the edge was him telling me "I think I'm a werewolf."
My 86-year-old grandmother told me she'd always wanted to "blaze up a fat one."
As I put my backpack on, preparing to leave the bus, it tripped the emergency exit and it's very loud alarm signaling the start of another day of high school.
When I woke up late one Saturday morning in a hotel room in Jerusalem with an Israeli soldier next to me, I knew I was finally living the dream.
The support of the third grade class was striking, as the second grade's "Tinkerbell" died in silence.
As I was washing my hands I noticed the lack of urinals along the wall and realized I had made this mistake twice in the same day.
When I wrenched my back unpacking the massage table, her anniversary gift suddenly became "ours."
At four, Sam ordered his first hamburger, and when the waitress asked, "Certainly, sir, medium?" replied indignantly, "No, large!"
I don't know if it was the alcohol, the darkness or the rush to put my clothing back on that made me fall onto the cactus.
I asked my local newspaper to discontinue littering their typo filled publication on my doorstep, having cancelled my subscription last week.
I went to the emergency room and was diagnosed with a headache.
It was when I brought my selected books to the library check-out counter and the librarian looked at me funny that I started to reconsider my reasearch paper topic on abortion.
I realized I was getting old when I referred to something that happenend two years ago by "the other day."
As I rummaged through the cereal box sleepy eyed this morning, a bit of sadness came over me when I remembered adult cereals don't contain prizes.
As he watched them make his hamburger from the counter, my four year old announced loudly that he was no longer interested in being an astronaut when he grew up but would prefer to have a job at McDonalds.
When she told me she had seen me driving around town my first thought was, "Oh, God, I hope I wasn't picking my nose!"
I was grateful to my father for finding the ointment until I realized it had expired nineteen years earlier.
I turned my back to a car and picked my wedgie so no one would see, but it turned out there were 2 passengers in the car.
I'm so terrible at math that my precalculus teacher had me write an essay about why I'm terrible at math so I wouldn't fail the class.
Melted ice cream makes a very poor projectile.
It's 10:30 pm on a Saturday night, and I get a text from my mom: "Will you pimp my MySpace?"
I hadn't understood just how much I hated my roommate until I laughed while watching her walk into a glass door and break her nose.
I started to think I wasn't being taken seriously when he reached over and honked my nose.
And that, my friends, is how I ended up getting my first kiss (from a complete stranger, to boot) at Rocky Horror Picture Show night.
Right after my brother asked for a sign from God, I noticed someone had written the words "FUCK OFF" in the dirt.
He asked me if I would still file his taxes for him after I told him I didn't think I loved him anymore.
I forget which was funnier: the joke my friend told at lunch, or the milk that I shot out of my nose.
As I sat happily eating a cup of ice cream, I suddenly noticed the unpleasant taste of dish soap.
I called a certain moronic President a "bozo" and my mom told me that we do not "blaspheme the president."
None of us realized how loudly we were talking until the word "vagina" rang out into the hallway and seemed to just hang there like red neon.
You know it's time to do dishes when you find yourself eating a TV dinner with a butter knife.
Sitting at my desk I think of the days before the minivan and can almost smell the beer drenched microphone.
As I took off my shirt for him to tattoo "Bite Me, Please!" on my back, he said "I can see why."
I knew my step-son had been overly sheltered when he told me a character from Guitar Hero III was the "black version of Jimi Hendrix."
He wanted to continue our morning romp, but our new kittens were sitting on the bed and they looked like a couple of dashboard bobble head ornaments watching us and he couldn't stop laughing.
It was only after I shattered the chocolate heart that I wondered if allegories worked outside of literary works.
About the dumbest thing you can say about an embalmed body at a funeral is that they "look good," but that is what everyone kept saying.
Everytime I tripped when I was younger I used to think my feet were plotting against me and my hands were my only true friends.
As I put away my birth certificate that was returned with my new passport, I found the passport I thought I lost.
As a kid dripping in mud, I couldn't see why bringing four frogs home in a zip lock bag was bad idea.
She meant to say "You crack me up," but the words escaped as "You creep me out."
I offered him some water, and instead of answering, he told me my refrigerator smelled bad.
I gave my mother mono because I secretly drank out of the cartoon of orange juice and put it back in the fridge.
I woke up naked next to my friend with three hundred dollars in chips in my hand and thought, "I love Vegas."
I nearly fell off my bike laughing after seeing the standard poodle sniffing around on the housetop without a care in the world, particularly to that of gravity.
I was at the dentist and I burped, then he told me what I had for breakfast.
Imagine my two girls as they opened up their exciting Christmas toy, squeezed goop into molds, put the mold into the oven, then waited, and waited, and waited, realizing that there was no heat, no light bulb, and would be no bug - just a bunch of disappointing goo.
Ever since my electric toothbrush turned on in my bookbag that morning, I've been getting weird looks from people in my English class.
He gently suggested that perhaps I consider broadening my cheese horizons and I almost burst into tears.
I realized what irony was when I reached for my box of birth control hidden in a baby's onesie.
My co-worker, who is named Patience, is the most stressed out person I know.
After I insisted he finish the leftover tomato soup that "tasted funny," I remembered I ate the rest of soup for lunch yesterday.
Lots of things remind me of you, like paper-cuts, couples fighting in the supermarket, and oil spills.
Seeing a 40 year old crack whore wearing a shirt saying "You can't afford me" and knowing she's probably right made me realize I'd hit rock bottom.
She thought I was looking at myself in the mirror, but I was actually flirting with another girl from across the room whose ass and eyes I caught in the reflection.
They didn't have the DVD she wanted at Wal-Mart, so I bought her a big red bong for Christmas instead.
Until last year I never realized that people in mental institutions really do color and put jigsaw puzzles together.
I seriously never thought I was going to crack up in the middle of my first kiss.
Each time one of my best girl friends calls with news that they are engaged I automatically play "Another One Bites the Dust," in my head though I feign excitement and tears for them.
The first clue it's been a long day is when you profess your love to the vending machine down the hall.
Sitting at work, editing boring conference sound clips, all I wanted to do was save them under the "Death Metal" Genre and see if anyone noticed.
My brother ambled into the room, sipping his drink, and said thoughtfully: "You know, I wish there was something like iced tea... but warm."
As a child, I would lay my shirt on the bed with the front facing me and then lift the shirt over my head, inadvertently ensuring that I had it on backward every single day.
This morning while in the shower the ground shook, and I realized my greatest fear is to die naked.
An intoxicated man pointed to a car's license plate and said to me "This chinaman is from Iwo Jima" and when I looked at the license plate it said "IOWA."
When I was a kid I thought vampire's teeth were like straws.
Of all the things for a teacher to overhear me saying in class, "chafed areola" was probably not the best, even in context.
One morning while training a new employee, I silently farted and she said "Mmm! Someone’s cooking bacon!"
I knew I was pronouncing "island" (is-land) wrong when I discovered the word "isle" in third grade.
As I looked back on that horribly mortifying moment I realized it could have been much worse, it could have been my mom that walked in.
Our family's ability to pretend nothing is wrong was never tested more than when the backhoe burying my neice's horse was operating in full view of the Thanksgiving Dinner table.
I may have cost my company ten million dollars yesterday, but it's more important for me right now to figure out who in my office I would cast in 'Office Space' roles.
I was never very close with my Grandfather, so it's no surprise that when he died and all my cousins received a cherished belonging of his, I got some socks.
There are two kinds of friends in the world: the ones who help you up when you've passed out in a bar and call a cab and the ones that take 'funny' pictures of you.
"$8.59 is a very reasonable price for peace of mind," she thought as she pitched the negative pregnancy test in the trash.
For 6 months I tried to figure out what was different about her before her mother told me about her nose job.
Our manager didn't know that you had to push a button to make the drive-thru window open again so her face got stuck.
Sitting there stoned out of my mind on medical-grade marijuana, I thought I'd lost the ability to comprehend the English language, but then I realized that my brother-in-law was jabbering away at me with his dentures out.
No one noticed us hooking up beneath the covers during movie night.
He endlessly enjoyed being the one white gay boy in a gaggle of straight black girls.
I love watching people's faces as they realize that when I'm talking about my parents, it's not Mom and Dad but Mom and Deb.
When I regained consciousness, I found myself sitting on a toilet, pants round my ankles, and angry men banging on the door.
As I handed Mr. Paul his wife's prescription-strength deodorant, I commented on the nice weather we were having, and he responded, "Once while I was in the Pacific, a cloud followed me around for a year, and all the boys would say, 'Here comes ol' McGinty.'"
My best friend looked out at the ocean, back at the shore and then at me, and asked "What happened to our clothes?"
I've become so addicted to this web site that I'm reduced to condensing every event of every day to a single sentence including movies, my work day and the birth of my grandchild.
I sometimes wonder if tricycling head-first into a metal pole when I was three and not being able to remember it happening are connected.
I can only hope that my spaghetti surprise dinner party isn't a complete disaster, but it doesn't help that I don't even have enough cutlery for eight guests.
He likes the haircut we gave him even though he can't see the big bald spot we left on the back of his head.
Old people living on dog food because it's all they can afford must know about a brand I haven't tried yet.
I would've gone easier on him if I had realized he joined the fencing class for me.
Afterwards, I accidentally blurted out, "That was better!"
I was just thinking that I have never heard him speak when he looked up at the board and said in an almost musical voice, "That's a big number."
I think that I must be the only one who observes soberly dressed office workers on their way to and from work and wonders if they are wearing brightly coloured underwear beneath their suits.
It's undeniable: I DO get a strange thrill out of going to the gas station in the middle of the night to buy ice cream in my pyjamas.
It's not particularly motivating when you're trying to write out how you feel about her, only to have iTunes find every song about failed love on your computer and play them in uncanny succession.
"Ya, 'sall good man," is not an appropriate response to a declaration of affection.
I deleted my Facebook account when my past wall posts started ruining my current relationship.
It seemed quite fitting that he lived on a dead-end street.
I've stopped dancing on my work desk after hours ever since I learned anyone can see right through the blinds.
I was preparing to call her weeaboo for writing her thread title in Japanese until I realized that I was actually angry at her for forming a question without using the word ka.
He needed that dollar for parking so he smashed the money maze puzzle with a baseball bat.
I turned the stove on to boil some water and four hours later I found the teapot melted to the burner.
I am a 25-year-old journalist who graduated high school with honors, is finishing up my English degree and I can't spell the word calander.
He laughed and told me I was still gorgeous after the freshly speared cuttlefish inked me in the face.
As a child, I used to eat all my cereal in case I hurt the feelings of any pieces of left-behind cereal.
Anyone else would have screamed too if a possum tried to climb up their shorts.
You should have seen the looks on their faces when I, the girl who abhors underage drinking, announced that one of my goals in life is to try Canadian beer.
My two-year-old was trying to say "I'm stuck," but I thought she said "I'm a duck" and spent the next five minutes playing along and making "quacking" sounds.
I told my three year old son that he was putting his shoes on the wrong feet and he responded that they were the only feet that he had.
"I'm not your mother," I said, and he replied "I'm pretty sure that you are."
The first time a boy told me he loved me, I laughed and said, "No, you don't."
Vomiting in the middle of a club was a mistake in itself, but then the biggest mistake of all i feel, was asking the man in the kebab shop if my breath stank.
I informed my husband that I wanted a divorce after he told me that he doesn't like marshmallows.
Rather than have the same pointless and one-sided conversation I'd suffered through so many times before, I gambled and told him I had become a Buddhist.
The typo on the Chinese food take-out menu claimed that their Garlic Shrimp contained "flesh mushrooms," and now I can't eat there without giggling like a twelve year old.
One of the most humiliating moments of my life happened in front of my favorite musician, and the song he wrote about that moment is on his new album.
I didn't realize just how short I was until, during student teaching, I found myself asking my 4th graders to reach things for me.
Visiting Virginia, I thought the grocery clerk was calling my newborn son precious when in fact she was telling me in her southern drawl to "press yes" on the keypad.
After you didn't respond to my text, IM, comment, post, missed call, voice mail, and message, I realized you really didn't want to do hookah with me.
I slammed my finger in the till at work today and told my boyfriend it would definitely have to be amputated at the shoulder.
Today, a lady called my manager and referred to me and the other host as "incompetent idiots."
It smells pretty funny by my computer at the lab, and I'm seriously wondering if it's the frog that escaped last week.
The guinea pig's name was Kaytee until I caught him cleaning his organ one day.
Our non-bi-lingual manager was highly embarrased to find he had been screaming not praise, but "Cheese! Cheese!" at everyone in spanish.
World of Warcraft is the sober man's crack cocaine, and I will fight against it with as much vigor as does the United States government.
As hot as double lip piercings are, as slender were her hips, and as beautiful were her eyes, anti-psychotics are an instant stop sign.
I knew we were destined to fall in love when she told me she too was a big fan of zombie movies.
I explained what rehab and detox are to my 6 year old brother yesterday.
Asked by my small daughter, "How long does a clock take?", I had to wonder.
By the look on her face, I knew that I had just told my Arabic teacher that she was tasty.
My horn was broken, so I waved my arms trying to get the car in front of me to notice the green light.
I've never needed a yogurt on the go, but I still buy Go-gurt.
After adopting my father's habit of sitting through the entirety of movie credits, I realized that it had payed off when I saw the name Shelita Buffet scroll across the screen.
I was so glad that my previous sentence was the #1024, as if it was enough to make the geek I dream to be.
My dog has eaten a bag of Hershey Kisses, an entire Vonnegut novel and a tube of super glue without ill effect, but a bowl of the wrong brand of dog food required a roll of paper towels and a bottle of disinfectant to remedy.
I had been crying for hours, so I felt a little silly when the moment he told me he was on his way right over, I stopped.
Nothing has surprised me quite like the sudden, unexpected appearance of a baby mule in our pasture one average Saturday morning.
The 3-year-old yells out the window to a vagrant with compassion, "Watch out man, the ants bite real bad!"
He was standing in my kitchen when I stepped out of the shower and before thinking I shouted, "I'm always wet when I see you!"
The broccoli-cheese potato was perfectly cooked, but the pickles mysteriously had corn on them.
As I stared at his bare chest I had this uncanny desire to bite his nipples.
When I mocked the name of Jean-Paul Sartre's daughter in a school presentation, my teacher replied, "Actually, Arlette is my middle name."
Perhaps it was karmic retribution that in rising to hug my father goodbye, my kneecap dislocated, and I never got that hug.
On his last day of class, the middle school foreign language teacher concisely summed up his opinion of the year with the words, "Fuck off," then left the room without looking back while his co-teacher translated what he just said into Korean.
After I found a dirty old gym sock in my locker on the first day of freshman year, I knew high school was going to be the worst four years of my life.
I laughed when he tried to send a text message to her because I secretly changed her phone number when he wasn't looking.
Crying doesn't always get you out of a speeding ticket once a cop has pulled you over, but it does help if you happen to be dressed as a clown at the time.
Luckily his brother didn't pick the lock until after we were getting dressed.
I was secretly pleased when the doctor told me that the medication may discolour my urine and feces.
I was a Jedi until I got my boobs and then was told I had to be Princess Leia and wait to be rescued.
World of Warcraft led to the end of our relationship, but has now become a healthy part of it.
When he said he didn't think I had it in me, I grabbed my razor just to prove him wrong, and immediately realised that cutting myself fucking HURT and I didn't really want to do that ever again.
I knew what would happen if I let her take off my shirt, but I just wasn't willing to lose my virginity to a girl whose favorite movie was "Eurotrip."
I wonder every day what it would be like to have achieved my childhood dreams, knowing it's impossible to grow up to be a kitten.
My five-year-old explained that he couldn't get out of bed because he was too sick, he "haves a cold AND a hot."
I think I've been making smart enough decisions so far, considering that my future self hasn't traveled back in time and beaten the crap out of me.
"We found your hat ma'am," said the boat conductor baldly, "but the wig wasn't in it."
Upon asking my 5-year old son how many hotdogs he wanted for dinner, he said, "Ninety-nine five."
"Sorry, sweetie," Mom said as she used some napkins to wipe the elephant snot off my forearm, "but he took all your peanuts."
They thought it was weird that I ate molasses on my cheese.
My life has been a never-ending series of bad haircuts and parking tickets.
When you asked how I got the poison ivy on my back, I didn't have the heart to tell you it was from rolling around in the grass with my new boyfriend.
The "One Sentence Finger" at the top of this page points to my Firefox bookmark labeled 'Twitter' but it's actually my favorite erotica archive.
I've never been on a plane but in September I'm flying 3,000 miles to meet a guy who makes me laugh and was arrested by the Mexican police.
Under the couch is not a good place to dispose of the food that you don't want to eat.
As I rounded the hill of the I-35 & I-435 interchange, I thought it was just an old guy in tight white pants whose car had broken down, but then when he turned around, I realized he was an Elvis impersonator, complete with studded polyester pants, tight chest-hair showing shirt, big sunglasses, and the Elvis hair.
I swear to god, the doctor actually said, "This guy's some kind of queer putting toy cars up his ass."
I realized it was Sunday when I drove up to Chick-fil-a and it was closed.
I recently found out that my husband's regular password for all of his accounts is "titties2."
I dreamed in my 10th story hotel room that I was on a roller-coaster in America, but when I awoke I was in the middle of an earthquake in Ginza, Japan.
She screamed as I pulled back the shower curtain and doused her with a pitcher of iced tea.
There was a time in high school when I thought nihilism was cool.
Immediately after losing my virginity I had a vision of one endless sidewalk in summer illuminated by the afternoon sun.
There's nothing quite like a party with two of your ex-girlfriends and one current one.
One day, our kids will look through old photo albums and say, "Hey, why did Mom go to prom with you AND Uncle Chris, especially since Uncle Chris likes BOYS?"
I acknowledged the fact that I have no life when the first thing I do every morning is check onesentence.org.
We knew we did the right thing when we found the uncooked bacon strip under our recently axed employee's desk.
My 70-year-old grandmother jumped over a high wall to save my cousin who had stupidly locked himself in his trunk.
I was right: there was no specific rule against rappelling out the fourth story dorm window.
When my friend returned from Hong Kong, she brought me an eternally arm-waving plastic cat.
I've always tried to be kind to the elderly, but when the nice old man with Alzheimers started giving me another leftover brick from his new patio everyday, I admit it wore my nerves.
The bottom of the coffee cup broke away like a Dutch dike with no little finger to slow the flow.
"Why did I want a dog?" I thought to myself as I emptied the pooper scooper.
But then, to the horrified looks of the onlookers, the ducks flew into the pool.
I looked at the rusty nail in my foot and thought, "Maybe I shouldn't play 'Blindman's Bluff' with no shoes on."
My dismay led to tears when my Underoos didn't transform me into He-man like the commercial said.
As I lay on the operating room table, I held my breath to watch the heart monitor slow down and then let it go to watch it speed up again.
As I bent over to pick up her pen, the sound of my pants ripping warned me that my life was about to change.
The refrigerator repairman was the first to learn that I enjoy living in the nude.
I love my cars so much I run them into other objects so I never have to share.
My mother, being enraged, screamed "You son of a bitch", to which I replied, "Yes, I am."
The regret came not when I chopped chilli for tea but much later on, when I picked my nose.
I whispered a short silent prayer as I hooked the antenna to my television and was suddenly blessed with immaculate reception.
After that, I vowed I would never again offer to pop a hard-to-reach zit for her.
My nine-year-old Korean taekwondo instructor used only two words of English in his lesson: "Again," and "No."
At work today, I learned how to make a chicken out of a cloth towel, though I don't think I can re-create it.
It occurred to me later that giving 4 gallons of milk for a Christmas gift might not be such a great idea after all.
I tried to sum up my life story into one fantastic sentence, but all I could think of was "shit happens."
I've never seen anyone look as blissed out as the tiny 3 year old whose was the perfect height to stand directly beneath the hand dryer.
And shortly after I gave her sentence a "Yay", I realized that I had broken our tie in ratings in her favor.
"We don't even have bras that size here," the saleslady announced to everyone in the store.
As luck would have it, there was an empty Gatorade bottle in the car.
There was a piece of aluminum foil sitting out on the counter, so I did what anyone else would have done: I made a hat out of it.
I had been drifting through a haze of various drugs and forgettable experiences, until one day I woke up and couldn't remember who I was before college.
I slid under the crowded corner booth to go to the bathroom, and when I tried sliding back to my spot I started to come up between some girl's legs.
While trying to go to the bathroom at the movie theater, I skipped over two stalls without toilet paper and one with pee on the seat before settling on the stall that didn't lock.
The nudity requirement seemed like a fair way to decide who, of the party's 30+ attendees, would get to play the Wii.
Asking a software engineer to fix your computer is like asking an historian what he did last night.
As she bandaged my hands I told her of my new plans for worming the cat.
The stench of cow poop is forgotten while running barefoot in a dairy farm pen as a pack of cows starts running at you.
When I got my period at age 12, my father stood outside the bathroom door, trying to make me feel better by singing the words to a popular 1970s commercial, "You are a W - U - O - M - A - N, you are a woooman!"
I was the only one not laughing as I turned and apologized for bumping into him, only afterwards realizing I had just apologized to a wooden pole.
I realized, ironically, that the reason it smelled like permanent marker next to my bed, was because my fish tank sprung a leak from the bottom and soaked my video game booklets.
In the weeks of my stardom in Nigeria as a 5'2 white female "didn't make the cut in high school" basketball player I regained my confidence.
I didn't realize until the Black History Program had already begun that it was probably a bad idea to sit with the Nazi boy.
Just as my boss began to speak at the company Christmas dinner, she simultaneously sneezed and farted, stopping every fork in midair.
I was lying in bed when my stomach made a sound like Pacman dying.
I had never heard the band before, but I got into two of their shows for free in one week, so I pretended to be a fan.
My cousin won a pig in a contest and on the day it vanished mysteriously, my grandama served us my favorite pork dish for lunch.
To this very day my kid brother still won't touch anything if I tell him it tastes like chocolate.
And that was the last time I ever presumed that a woman was pregnant and asked "When are you due?"
No one in the crowded pub told me I had toilet paper trailing behind me until I reached the bar.
My day had been terrible, but just as I thought it couldn't have gotten any worse, he, in an act of pure thoughtfulness, brought me a Pepsi to replace the one that had exploded in my backpack.
After recess in Pre-K, I hid behind a big tree so I wouldn't have to go back to class.
After being duped into thinking a hot girl actually was interested in me, that hooker stole my weed.
When my father heard the loud hissing noise coming from the whole train, he realized that no, that was NOT the door handle.
When I was 5, I was in love with a kid who thought he was Spiderman.
I never figured out that she was your sister until the family reunion twenty years later.
I don't eat meat, because my mother's friend ate our pet cow.
When we were eleven he was grossed out when I accidentally took a drink from his glass, but by the time we were sixteen he actually wanted to swap spit with me.
I stared at the bucket of stale cheese puffs in disbelief and thought, "I can't believe I paid 9 bucks to eat at this lousy Chinese buffet!"
I would have caught that deep spiral if it wasn't for that pesky brick wall.
Well, I thought as I hit the floor in a daze, this is the last time I'll ever eat at *this* sushi bar.
My parents thought I was disturbed when I went as a serial killer one year, but it was time the Trix Rabbit learned that no means no.
Using my $40 lightsaber, I fought with the mini-Darth Maul using my Sith-like mind tricks, and I won his bag of candy.
I tried to humor my family because I was so small and crawled into the highchair at the restaurant - and it was funny until they had to unscrew it to get me out of there.
I once asked a girl where her DNA came from -- meaning Irish, Italian, etc. -- and she said from her parents.
My dad once told me, "Don't keep the Preparation H too close to the toothpaste," then, after a moment, I realized that he was serious.
Two stitches and twenty years later, I still don't know why she threw the rock at me, but I'm pretty sure that she was lying when she said, "I was playing hopscotch and missed."
I grabbed my brothers leg from underneath an adjacent toilet cubicle in a foodcourt and he ran out screaming.
I only joined the climbing club because I wanted a reason to talk to her, but really I'm scared of heights.
My sister once caught me looking at her chest.
When nobody's watching, i love to pull the hairs out of my nose.
I hadn't yet dressed as I poured the boiling water over the coffee filter tilting precariously over the rim of a broken pot.
As I stare at my 20.5 rating, I wonder about the policy on giving a "Yay!" to your own story.
My friend recently admitted that he until recently believed that cars were propelled forward by their own exhaust.
He would complain that I wasn't feminine enough, but he left me for a dude.
My best friend thought it would be perfectly fine to save time by applying sunscreen while waiting for the shower to free up because the sunscreen was waterproof.
She embraced me with the warmth of her skin, the wine on her breath and the smile on her lips and I felt absolutely nothing.
I shaved my mutton chops away today today, but now I feel like a sheep.
It was the first movie I went to see but never saw, heard but never listened to and came out smiling without knowing the ending.
After several minutes of poking and prodding, the dentist put down his tools, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Sorry I need to get back to my wife."
Once I went to a store and bought something while it was being robbed and didn't realize it until that night.
My parents grounded me while I was in college, three hours from home.
I called him on his mobile phone to tell him I'd found his mobile phone
When I told my husband of 17 years that I didn't think he knew me and I wanted a divorce, he asked me "Are you a lesbian?"
I have begun walking down the street along side good looking strangers in the hope that other strangers will think I have good looking friends.
I finished the exam with half an hour to spare, so I thought I'd cheer up the examination marker by drawing bad things happening to cats in the margins of my essay.
When we asked our mom to tell us a story, she replied "A pig fell in the mud."
"For you? Really?" the man in the pharmacy said, surprised, when I asked him to pass me a pregnancy test.
So I hopped one legged around the room screaming until the slug fell of the bottom of my foot.
My mother called me to do a chore and i responded, "What you need, Woman," to which my father chided, "Your mother is NOT a woman!"
I looked into the sun trying to sneeze which she must have taken for a smile and smiled back.
Arriving home after sitting in traffic for two hours, I said to myself, "Oh, wait, I don't live here anymore."
They played hair dye roulette, switching the colors between random boxes.
One-time I got in trouble in Religious studies for saying the word "vagina," but talked my way out of it by convincing them I had said "Virgin Mary".
After the security guard yelled at me to get back to my own stretcher and stop making out with my boyfriend, he asks my boyfriend "Do you know him?"
Then, after hearing about faecal aerosols, I never flushed with the lid up.
As the lithuanian midget, that was only known to me as Betrinka, flipped the homemade Madonna tape in her transistor radio, I realized fully that asking for "a little fun" in Prague meant something wholy different then in the United States.
I can run about as fast as my dog when I'm barefoot and his leash is attached to a fifteen-pound plastic chair.
When I was eight or nine years old, I had a dream that I was riding my bike in the driveway and my dad backed the car into me, but instead of hurting me, it crushed the rear end of the car.
When I asked Matt to find out what they were using, he returned and answered, mostly fishing poles.
When I said to her "do with me what you will," I didn't think she'd go so far.
I was at a WSU Cougar football game when a 2 inch month flew into my ear canal.
The mysterious animal hissing under the towel turned out to be a can of Right Guard.
After twenty minutes of trying to order a p-p-p-pint of larger from the bar with a drunken stammer, I gave in and requested two half's in the same glass!
It was the fifth stationary object I'd accidentaly hit with the company car, I was glad that I didn't own my own vehicle and that living breathing things tended to move about.
I sat amongst my excited friends and as the close-up of my eyes filled the cinema screen I discovered I'd been cast as the child-abuser.
Things went from bad to worse when we realized all the papers were stuck together from the incessant rain.
I fell down a flight of stairs, got up, stumbled across the landing, and then fell down a second flight of stairs.
It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion.
I was nearly sent to the hospital because I could not convince the school nurse that my head had always been this shape.
The idea of letting your children choose their own path in life is thrown out the window when your three-year-old declares they are going to be either a doctor or a Walmart cashier when they grow up.
It's hard not to be self conscious about your ever growing pregnant belly when a stranger's child asks their mother if "that lady is having twins."
A new mother's confidence about her body is shattered when a young child asks if she's still pregnant.
I realized the plan to sneak a second holiday in Spain was not going to work unless I only went out at night and returned to work after my "illness" without a tan.
After several minutes of poking and prodding, the dentist put down his tools, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You're going to be putting my daughter through college."
The user complained that the space bar would not work and wanted a new keyboard, so I picked up her keyboard, tapped it several times on the back until a sufficient pile of biscuit crumbs had landed on the table, then set down her keyboard and walked away.
He wandered off to get a glass of water, and decided that nothing, not even the wall he tried to walk through, mattered until he did.
After two years, I finally realized that veal is not made from baby cats.
One time, when I was young, I thought I was The Rhino (of Spiderman fame) and put my head through the glass part of our screen door.
In college, I was in a morning class with 500 other students in a lecture hall, only to fall asleep and wake up about 5 hours later in the middle of another class.
I vowed today not to laugh at someone's funny name while working, then I was introduced to a older woman named "Gay Usher".
I went all the way to New York City, and all I got was a stupid pencil.
One time I tore a dollar in half to buy a 50 cent popsicle.
I wore plaid pants to school once in second grade and totally shouldn't have.