pat
This morning, my dad was doing the laundry and my stepmom was fixing the pipes.
2010-03-11 16:15:50 / Rating: 57.5 / 
Story archives - tag: "humor"
for real though?
I curled up in bed after my shower, naked as the day I was born, not expecting the fire alarm to go off at 4 am in my co-ed dorm.
2010-03-11 16:13:41 / Rating: 27 /
myfairmaybe
When he told his four-year-old daughter that the doctor just needed to look at her eyes to make sure they were okay, she whispered, "Will he put them back in when he's done looking at them?"
2010-03-05 14:15:31 / Rating: 179.25 /
ShyGuy
Right before the janitor turned the lights in the classroom on, we feigned sleep thinking she wouldn't know we were making out.
2010-03-04 15:59:38 / Rating: 59 /
Maddy
It wasn't until after I discovered the 3D glasses from "Avatar" still in my purse that I realized I had accidentally dropped my $40 sunglasses into the recycling bin instead.
2010-03-03 10:35:59 / Rating: 187.25 /
Rook
While my mother and her boyfriend were upstairs I quietly removed his size 34 jacket from the back of the chair and replaced it with my nearly identical size 46.
2010-03-03 10:34:32 / Rating: 50.5 /
Contaminated
The day I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder was the day I chased my best friend down the street with a butterfly knife.
2010-03-02 13:30:58 / Rating: 77.25 /
A blonde moment
Attempting to blow out a candle with Listerine in my mouth was a bad idea.
2010-02-17 16:01:48 / Rating: 177 /
Minty fresh.
I experienced the concequences of failing to label the tupparware tubs containing both toothpaste and sunblock.
2010-02-09 12:26:45 / Rating: 108.25 /
When English teachers go bad
I used to demand a new world order in flawless iambic pentameter, but now I'd settle for one in sixteen-syllable haiku.
2010-02-09 12:24:36 / Rating: 111.75 /
Naked Cookie Monster
I just wanted a cookie from the top shelf that morning in 1979, but ended up with a dislocated knee, a broken arm and a rusty nail through my penis.
2010-02-09 12:23:55 / Rating: 262 /
Wofford
Thanks to my brother, you'll no longer get detention for having blue hair.
2010-02-01 11:21:40 / Rating: 171 /
thumpersrock
When I came home late and found the lawnmower in my bed, I realized my dad wasn't kidding when he said he wanted the grass mowed "today."
2010-01-27 09:32:14 / Rating: 332.25 /
Caught with my pants down
Discovering that window washers do still exist and discovering that I had no idea where my pants were happened at the exact same moment.
2010-01-22 09:14:14 / Rating: 218.25 /
kristi
Today my son not only discovered that he can avoid taking a nap by climbing out of the crib, but also, if he is extra quite and doesn't wake up mommy, he can climb the fridge to eat the rest of the Christmas candy.
2010-01-19 15:34:32 / Rating: 83.25 /
Someone
I said no to the coffee but yes to the date.
2010-01-18 17:15:32 / Rating: 104.5 /
LadyJame
That's when I looked down and realized my fake nail had somehow caught fire, and no one was around to witness it but my fish.
2010-01-14 11:09:41 / Rating: 149 /
Chrinda Jones
As the door to the Taco Bell restroom came crashing over top of me, all I could think to say to him was "I said I'd be out in a minute."
2010-01-13 13:30:19 / Rating: 102.25 /
kbh101
I realized the crumbled bit of pill left over resembled a cookie, and laughed out loud at the image of the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street gobbling up Lorazepam.
2010-01-11 16:07:31 / Rating: 81 /
Red Nails
Fast-drying nail varnish doesn't seem like such a great idea when it's splattered all over the leather sofa.
2010-01-11 16:06:47 / Rating: 84.5 /
Bean
The thing about dropping your toothbrush in a toilet is that you only get one toothbrush at boot camp.
2010-01-07 16:03:46 / Rating: 184 /
thon
After one look into his bloodshot eyes, I instantly regretted not tipping the pizza delivery boy in weed.
2010-01-05 15:44:22 / Rating: 175 /
Phaky
Someone had a piano that was broken, and someone else had a bunch of land, so that inevitably led to a very well-attended piano burning party late one night.
2010-01-05 15:42:37 / Rating: 196 /
Slab
You know it is time to clean out your garage when you find a box of live kittens in it.
2010-01-04 12:00:54 / Rating: 290 /
thelorax
She mis-dialed my number and ended up talking to a very excited 5 year old with the same name.
2009-12-30 09:07:56 / Rating: 216.75 /
S. Wofford
She confessed afterwards that she had never seen a real life spit-take until she had dinner with my family.
2009-12-28 15:26:00 / Rating: 83.25 /
IT Guy
Sick of having Outlook tell me my Dell Optiplex was a potpie, I added it to the dictionary.
2009-12-28 15:25:12 / Rating: 123 /
Miss not Mrs
As he gently caressed me his video game shouted out, "HOSTILE CONTACT!"
2009-12-15 22:37:06 / Rating: 397.25 /
Lauren NM.
While studying for the SATs my friend became so frustrated she pulled a knife and stabbed our study book.
2009-12-15 22:35:06 / Rating: 248 /
I couldn't help but smile as my third grader threw the ball through the hoop and yelled, ''Touchdown!''
2009-12-15 22:34:47 / Rating: 180.75 /
Will
Only after stepping on a lego in the middle of the night and ignoring the pain in order not to wake up the little princess I was carrying to bed did I realize that I was really a dad and not just a father.
2009-12-07 16:51:40 / Rating: 810.5 /
Miss Delaney
In the middle of my fifth winter, I slipped and fell and cracked my head open on a set of cement stairs because I thought the paint on the railings was wet.
2009-12-04 08:58:15 / Rating: 89.5 /
truefriends
Good friends cover your naked ass when you throw your back out while in the shower, but best friends laugh hysterically and make grandma jokes first.
2009-12-04 08:53:07 / Rating: 250.25 /
Malia
To her credit, she didn't eat the one that fell on the floor.
2009-11-30 13:01:38 / Rating: 90.25 /
Rinse... not shampoo
Standing naked in a shower, in a foreign land, I realized I bought conditioner, not shampoo, AGAIN.
2009-11-30 12:55:56 / Rating: 221.25 /
Ok fine, her name doesn't actually have the comma and exclamation mark in it...
My sister's name backwards is "Ah, Satan!"
2009-11-23 16:40:06 / Rating: 314.5 /
Rhyun
The first time I ever shaved, my dad said, "Be careful, the razors are razor-sharp."
2009-11-23 16:38:45 / Rating: 155.25 /
DBW
On my coming out to my mother, she told the whole family, adding that if they had a problem with it, she would have no problem burying them, dead or alive.
2009-11-19 09:48:37 / Rating: 1839.5 /
Jim Panzee
It was only when we started using webcams for phone conferencing at work that I learned how to yawn without opening my mouth.
2009-11-10 09:24:17 / Rating: 246.25 /
Bored of Boredom
I was already halfway through the mustard-on-a-bun when I realized I forgot to put the hotdog on it.
2009-11-10 09:22:24 / Rating: 170 /
crash and boom
Narrowly avoiding being hit by the car, I yelled, "Hey, this is a one-way street!" and he yelled back, "I am only going one way!"
2009-11-06 14:29:39 / Rating: 246.5 /
miss milwaukee's nameless
While trick-or-treating, my four-year-old nephew received a plastic baggy full of dirty pennies.
2009-11-06 14:13:17 / Rating: 79 /
Ewww
I got written up for being insubordinate for refusing to pick up the dead beaver carcass.
2009-11-02 14:42:35 / Rating: 102.5 /
S.
I prayed that when she returned from the ladies room she'd be too drunk to notice that I had abandoned not only her, but also her purse.
2009-10-27 14:09:48 / Rating: 55.75 /
Alex
And then her grandmother walked in and just started laughing!
2009-10-27 12:38:34 / Rating: 107 /
S
My mother stopped buying me Barbies when I was a child after she found them hanging by their necks from the stairwell.
2009-10-26 13:10:46 / Rating: 131.25 /
Kimberley
I ate a baked potato like an apple, because I was too lazy to go downstairs for a fork.
2009-10-22 20:46:29 / Rating: 168 /
Azkescapee
After playing dollhouse with my goldfish for the fourth time, my mother finally decided to buy me a hamster.
2009-10-19 14:49:04 / Rating: 101.25 /
Ceara
My english teacher said if we got enough sentences published we could count it as our midterm.
2009-10-19 14:05:28 / Rating: 231.75 /
Lauren
I know he had fun because he yelled "SHAM-WOW!" at the end.
2009-10-15 20:12:34 / Rating: 120 /
Lauren
It was probably inappropriate to laugh when the preacher tripped over the alterboy.
2009-10-15 20:12:07 / Rating: 246 /
HumbleMan
How was I supposed to explain to my co-workers that the wet spots on my pants were caused by a mosquito flying all around the urinal?
2009-10-12 12:03:37 / Rating: 126.25 /
Trish
Mom unknowingly ate the mushroom chocolates I left in the fridge after the music festival.
2009-10-12 12:03:22 / Rating: 176.75 /
J.R.
I once cut my friend's hair for free, but he complained so much during the haircut that I shaved letters into the side of his head.
2009-10-12 12:03:14 / Rating: 84.5 /
Deedee Knickerbocker
Nothing is more awkwardly fulfilling than having a child prefer you over their own mother.
2009-10-12 12:00:08 / Rating: 233 /
iPanda
I should have known he was bad news when he told me he used to pour milk in his bed and sleep in it.
2009-10-12 11:59:03 / Rating: 118.75 /
Elayne
I remember fighting with my sisters over who would make what breakfast item, when my mother finally had it and yelled "You make the grits and I'll cut the cheese!"
2009-10-06 20:34:33 / Rating: 102.75 /
david
I wasn't even drunk when I pushed the liquor store's shopping cart into the night manager's car.
2009-10-06 20:32:06 / Rating: 75.75 /
Mmmhhm
After I circled B for the tenth time, I had to wonder if I was getting all the answers wrong or if my teacher had a sick sense of humor.
2009-09-24 15:33:22 / Rating: 542.5 /
Backseat, windows up...
It wasn't until I looked on the floor in the backseat of my car that I realized my lacy black thong was still on the floor from two nights ago.
2009-09-22 13:09:21 / Rating: 116 /
cg
On my very first camping trip, I learned that if I drop a dead caterpillar in my mom's coffee, she will not only not get mad at me, but she will also still drink the coffee.
2009-09-21 11:54:58 / Rating: 173.75 /
Not Meant For Apartment Living
My neighbor just casually returned two pairs of panties that I'd left in the shared washing machine.
2009-09-21 10:02:58 / Rating: 102.5 /
Bored of Boredom
I didn't understand what was so funny until I realized a Bachelors of Journalism from Fontbonne University is a "BJ from FU".
2009-09-21 10:02:27 / Rating: 256.75 /
Mia Moore
I was trying to be funny by pointing out to my boyfriend that his girlfriend is such a dork, but it came out better than expected when I told him "Your dork is such a girlfriend."
2009-09-18 15:17:45 / Rating: 179 /
cg
As I tried to tag a sentence I submitted, my computer suggested the tags "sex, poison ivy, humor, feet" and I can't remember ever submitting a sentence that would include those four things.
2009-09-18 15:14:56 / Rating: 145.25 /
Dog Sets it Off
My dog set the security alarm off, and as a result, 32 policemen with 8 police cars rushed to my house.
2009-09-17 14:38:03 / Rating: 106.75 /
Snakey
My rider friend assures me that 'Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear' is about the LAST thing you want to see when the mirror's on your motorcycle and the object is an irritable grizzly bear.
2009-09-17 14:34:46 / Rating: 178.25 /
Atleast we made some new friends
We realized as we went up to pay our respects, that though they shared the same name and everyone was very friendly, we were obviously at the wrong funeral.
2009-09-14 11:17:24 / Rating: 568.25 /
Fired by God
Today I was fired from Barnes and Noble because a customer complained that I had stocked Christian Bibles in the fiction section.
2009-09-14 11:14:14 / Rating: 443 /
12Letters
Coincidentally I met the next man I would love on the same night the last man I loved cheated on me.
2009-09-08 13:41:50 / Rating: 156.75 /
Café Chick
When asked how he could be certain the speaker had blown, Dad dramatically explained (with grandiose arm gestures) that, "I plugged it in and all I heard was nothing".
2009-09-08 11:27:08 / Rating: 121.25 /
gross
My sister caught me eating the callus I'd peeled off the bottom of my foot, and that was the end of that habit.
2009-09-02 08:38:12 / Rating: 152.75 /
Michelle
My sister's comment that her new computer had a 1GB harddrive confirmed my suspicions that she didn't know enough about computers to make such a purchase.
2009-09-02 07:36:50 / Rating: 144.75 /
awkwardme
I froze in utter awkwardness as the gas station attendant told me to stand very still, leaned towards my face with a soft look of concentration in his eyes, raised his hand slowly to my face as if to caress it, and then flicked frantically at a wasp stuck in my bangs.
2009-08-30 21:39:38 / Rating: 235.25 /
amused veterinarian
Pointing to the penis, I assured my client that her dog was, in fact, a male not a female, and encouraged her to forgo the bedtime kiss on his "belly button."
2009-08-20 10:13:09 / Rating: 455 /
p.u.
When Mom confessed her ice cream weakness by telling her friends at the beauty parlor that she loved Dove Bars, one lady gasped, "You eat SOAP?!"
2009-08-20 10:08:50 / Rating: 207.25 /
child
I kept screaming, thinking I'd gone blind, until my mom rushed into my room and told me to open my eyes.
2009-08-20 10:00:21 / Rating: 159.5 /
Madds
Thinking that a wedgie was a kind of cookie, I eagerly accepted one.
2009-08-12 10:31:40 / Rating: 255.5 /
Reluctant dad
True parenting is going out into the rain to search through the paper recycling bin by torchlight for your son's missing collectible trading cards, and then resisting the urge to strangle him when he finds they were in his coat pocket all the time.
2009-08-10 10:15:33 / Rating: 353.5 /
AIS
I am fairly certain I accidentally flashed my high school principal and her dinner party while taking a shower
2009-08-06 14:11:06 / Rating: 107.5 /
starbuck
My 46-year-old father chipped his tooth pretending he was Jimi Hendrix.
2009-07-29 12:18:07 / Rating: 158.25 /
Molly
I would have enjoyed meeting my father's grandfather, the one who used to get drunk and dress up in his wife's clothes.
2009-07-29 09:00:49 / Rating: 157.75 /
You'da Done It
My wallet and gas tank were both 100% empty, but my journey home was sponsored by a ninety-year-old man who paid me $5 to flash him in the crowded parking lot of the gas station.
2009-07-27 20:11:40 / Rating: 254.25 /
Grandpa Paige
You do not want to be returning your grandchildren to their parents after realizing how much a bottle of Nair looks like the bottle of Waterbabies.
2009-07-22 15:57:31 / Rating: 304.75 /
LH
During a somewhat fuzzy post-flu recovery power walk, a group of 10 or so college age men running towards me along the trail suddenly lined up single file and gave me high-fives.
2009-07-20 10:42:23 / Rating: 309 /
Stephen G
I was laughing with the cashier at a local cafe about an official-looking brass plaque mounted in front of the register that read, "In 2008 nothing happened here," when my wife walked up, read the plaque, and said, "We should get one of these for our bedroom."
2009-07-17 10:59:49 / Rating: 342.5 /
Sephira
I knew you loved me when you came back inside the restaurant laughing after running across the street through traffic in freezing rain, to check on what I thought was a hurt bird, and turned out to be cardboard flapping over a ventilation shaft.
2009-07-15 11:12:53 / Rating: 448.5 /
Tori
Organizational Assembly had been unwittingly shortened to OrgAsm on my transcript which also stated that my performance in it had been perfect.
2009-07-15 11:10:26 / Rating: 588 /
Tattoo
I found it oddly appropriate that the night I couldn't get the temporary heart tattoo off my forearm was the night you broke my heart.
2009-07-15 09:48:47 / Rating: 100 /
Natt
I only told them about my tattoo so they could identify my body if necessary.
2009-07-13 16:07:16 / Rating: 158 /
drummergrrrl
I was relieved when my middle-school friend revealed to me that, unlike what my mother had told me, hot dogs were not the penises of pigs.
2009-07-13 16:06:57 / Rating: 199.5 /
ftc
The very second I lost my virginity, a car outside my room sounded their custom Dukes of Hazard horn.
2009-07-13 16:03:04 / Rating: 246 /
SunnyBun
After I spilled gasoline on my shoes while topping off my car's tank on the way to lunch, my daughter announced to the cashier at McDonald's, "If you smell gas, it's coming from my mom."
2009-07-10 11:14:59 / Rating: 282.75 /
Stacy
"Whoa" means nothing to a Swedish horse.
2009-07-10 11:12:59 / Rating: 257.75 /
drummergrrrl
After my mom dropped a frozen corndog down the back of my sweatpants, I stopped talking back.
2009-07-10 11:12:50 / Rating: 115.25 /
It was perfectly in character for me as a child, when I maintained to my first grade teacher that my favorite animal was not a giraffe or tiger, but grass.
2009-07-07 10:29:40 / Rating: 304 /
SunnyBun
During a 6.2 earthquake that shook our building violently, my half-asleep husband sat up, looked at me in confusion and asked, "What are you doing?"
2009-07-06 09:27:49 / Rating: 478.5 /
Secret Shame
When she burst out laughing at the sight of me naked, I had the feeling that it wasn't gonna happen.
2009-06-29 15:47:51 / Rating: 349.25 /
Lewis H.
Ronald Reagan's robe fell open in front of me and there he was naked as the day he was born.
2009-06-29 14:02:34 / Rating: 135.25 /
RingoW
My cat prefers dog food.
2009-06-26 13:42:48 / Rating: 117 /
abused
Five years later, I still have a scar of my husband's entire dental impression from when he bit my abdomen.
2009-06-23 09:56:06 / Rating: 122.25 /
Still Romantic
While my husband (then boyfriend) proposed, I could see a man standing on a picnic table and peeing into the bushes in my peripheral vision - but it was the best night of my life all the same.
2009-06-23 09:49:48 / Rating: 306.5 /
embarrassed
We thought we were being so sneaky with our teenage sex rendevous, until we walked up the stairs to his room and heard his dad say, "Better make it a quickie guys."
2009-06-19 16:30:01 / Rating: 333 /
Kurt
My sister was obsessed with Ricky Martin until she had a dream that he stabbed and killed me.
2009-06-16 09:26:10 / Rating: 200.25 /
Paperclip
When my parents asked "Why did you two ever break up?" it might not have have been so painfully awkward if he hadn't been sitting right next to me.
2009-06-16 09:25:32 / Rating: 121.5 /
Tay-Tay
My mom frantically searched for me around the house to finally find me finishing off a big stick of butter.
2009-06-14 17:35:02 / Rating: 110 /
Alex
After our older son declared his desire to be a veterinarian, the seven-year-old said, "I want to be a Chinese man."
2009-06-10 10:59:45 / Rating: 508.25 /
a beautiful disaster
Sledding was great until the tree got in my way.
2009-06-08 11:43:09 / Rating: 150.5 /
Uncle Jesse
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
2009-06-05 10:38:07 / Rating: 232.25 /
i've had better judgment
Imagine my relief in my decision to sit on the grass when the rock beside me got up and walked away, presumably to go play with the other bobcats.
2009-06-05 10:35:45 / Rating: 399.25 /
Oh, the irony
It was only after I voted "no" on an unapproved entry that I realized it was one of my own.
2009-05-29 09:19:01 / Rating: 314 /
Murphy's Lawyer
I thought my sister was joking when she said she wanted to take over the world, but now she's majoring in political science and foreign relations with a minor in economics.
2009-05-29 09:15:13 / Rating: 386.75 /
Gerrie
While walking down a street in New Orleans with his wife and two young daughters, my father was approached by a prostitute.
2009-05-28 15:02:14 / Rating: 177.75 /
renaichan
Seeing Wolverine's naked hiney with my mom was surprisingly not awkward.
2009-05-26 13:39:05 / Rating: 193.25 /
Aimee
Soon my monthly therapy sessions were replaced with monthly orthodontist visits.
2009-05-21 15:45:45 / Rating: 133.75 /
Tmyakal
The fire we started in that corn field was terrible for more reasons than just its failure to produce popcorn.
2009-05-20 14:51:13 / Rating: 473.75 /
Dmann
After saying "I am missing my G-string" out loud, I realized that nobody knew I was talking about my guitar.
2009-05-20 14:50:55 / Rating: 457.25 /
lefty
It's amazing how fast you can run when something's on fire.
2009-05-20 14:12:01 / Rating: 169.75 /
even_better
"She's lived in Columbia her entire life," I told my brother, and then, after a moment of reflection added, "Columbia, Maryland."
2009-05-20 10:33:44 / Rating: 92.75 /
Ally S.
Our first kiss seemed to have perfect timing, immediately after her accidental elbow to my forehead.
2009-05-19 08:39:24 / Rating: 202.25 /
Restaurants
The most embarrassing moment wasn't when I accidentally poured a pint of beer down the guest's back but 10 seconds later when I slipped on said beer, fell on to the shattered glass and lost my shoe on my way to get paper towel.
2009-05-15 15:49:27 / Rating: 198.25 /
Love
I realized today that squeezing my own boob feels a lot like squeezing my boyfriends butt.
2009-05-14 14:13:24 / Rating: 258.75 /
"I love you more than anyone else in the world..."
This morning I was dangerously close to buying a 24-pack of condoms with my Mothers' Day card before realizing the embarrassing implications.
2009-05-11 11:07:59 / Rating: 343.5 /
pikachu
My crazy Polish dad came inside after digging a hole for a new tree in the backyard, holding the skull of "Speedy," my cat who had died months before and said, "Look, it's Speedy! Meow!"
2009-05-11 11:06:10 / Rating: 712 /
Free To Choose
I realized how much I had finally let go of religion when I chose my flimsy Bible as a hard surface to write on over one of my hard-backed fantasy novels.
2009-05-11 11:04:13 / Rating: 191.5 /
Lona
The $1 store swiss rolls I bought to console myself were better than all the expensive chocolates I received when we were together.
2009-05-08 07:54:47 / Rating: 223 /
Doc
As I overheard my employees gossiping about how I "need to get laid," I had to wonder, would that prescription change if any of them knew I am a recovering sex addict.
2009-04-30 10:08:06 / Rating: 393.75 /
AMCN
I just realized after looking at the photos in the "sold" listing of my foreclosed home, I forgot my soap dispenser in the bathroom when I moved out.
2009-04-30 10:07:01 / Rating: 157.75 /
I'll get right on it
At the age of 17, a trainee religion teacher told me, an unbaptized athiest, that I wouldn't be given an apple at break if I continued to refuse to write a letter to God.
2009-04-30 09:37:49 / Rating: 209 /
a sign?
It seems like immediately after every time I buy pot, I run my car into something stationary.
2009-04-28 16:34:49 / Rating: 167.75 /
seven6eight
She awoke from her slumber to answer her cell phone, but it was the radio that was playing her song.
2009-04-27 15:20:05 / Rating: 145 /
sesordnaslluks
As the cashier scanned the pregnancy test, I hoped she wouldn't notice that the next item was a box of condoms.
2009-04-27 15:18:49 / Rating: 156.25 /
Dani
When questioned about wearing a long-sleeve shirt on the warmest day of summer, my mom grudgingly admitted that she mistook the ink-pad refill bottle for her roll-on deodorant that morning.
2009-04-27 15:18:06 / Rating: 359.75 /
Leah
After getting the third package in the mail with a toy cow in it, I concluded that my mother and younger sister were trying to force me to collect cows.
2009-04-10 12:54:45 / Rating: 372.25 /
Jaime
My cat, Scoop, sits in the bathtub for exactly twenty minutes after I have showered, and this morning, she pulled out all the hair that was clogging up the drain using one hooked claw
2009-04-10 12:53:29 / Rating: 302.75 /
molly
The time I got my hand stuck in the blades of the electric stand mixer, resulting in pieces of bloody knuckle skin littering the dough, I seriously considered baking the cookies anyways.
2009-04-07 14:08:37 / Rating: 194 /
Bunnyface
I awoke this morning to the sensation of my dog, curled up against me under the covers, licking my butt.
2009-04-03 13:26:31 / Rating: 246.5 /
godfather
I am very happy that I was asked to be my girlfriend's sister's stepdaughter's stepsister's godfather.
2009-04-01 11:21:41 / Rating: 203.5 /
helenthenanny
As a professional nanny, I've found that scaring a baby doesn't alleviate her hiccups, but it does scar her for life.
2009-03-31 12:15:05 / Rating: 232 /
@mac2nite
I wish my husband would have been as faithful as my fat is.
2009-03-30 11:16:43 / Rating: 378.75 /
loboscott
After a few seconds of brushing my teeth, I realized that the store brand flouride toothpaste had the same red and white packaging as the tube of Ben-Gay.
2009-03-30 11:09:33 / Rating: 196.75 /
Daniel Reuben
I realized the ineptitude of my English teacher when she pronounced "faux-pas" phonetically.
2009-03-30 11:01:31 / Rating: 422 /
malleohheh
As I licked off my finger I realized how much Spicy Szechuan Sauce looks like Apple Butter and how much my 1-year-old would enjoy cold cereal for breakfast.
2009-03-27 13:02:46 / Rating: 129.25 /
Tori
When I was six years old, I cried when my family told me we couldn't go see the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park because they were all already dead.
2009-03-27 12:58:28 / Rating: 198.5 /
Mo
Delivering pizza became a life-affirming occupation the day the half-naked couple in their seventies opened the door, releasing billowing clouds of pot smoke and Jefferson Airplane into the atmosphere.
2009-03-25 11:32:35 / Rating: 721.5 /
Devon
I have a twisted family that made me believe that chocolate milk came from brown cows until I was 14.
2009-03-25 11:29:36 / Rating: 465.5 /
Pam
For some reason, I was pleasantly surprised when my vanilla pudding tasted like fish.
2009-03-25 11:26:17 / Rating: 111.25 /
MsInformed
I realized how much I hated working in the OC when I saw a couple pushing a stroller meant for twins, and instead of twins it contained four poodles wearing pink argyle sweaters.
2009-03-19 08:57:33 / Rating: 577.25 /
no_shame_insomniac
When my professor asked me how stressed out I was, I explained to her that I had been naked in a public restroom that morning and didn't even realize it.
2009-03-17 12:14:23 / Rating: 383.75 /
Appropriated Agenda
Promptly after arriving at college and trying to clean up after my roommates, I phoned my mom and apologized for 18 years of not helping tidy the kitchen more.
2009-03-13 15:41:38 / Rating: 366.25 /
what to do...
I soon discovered that thinking, "Don't puke, don't puke" does not prevent one from puking in the middle of a final exam in front of 400 people.
2009-03-13 15:41:09 / Rating: 398 /
R
All through dinner I thought her leg was touching mine until I looked down and realized it was only the table leg.
2009-03-10 11:23:36 / Rating: 423 /
Bored of Boredom
Nothing is more embarassing than having to tell the doctors that the stab to my eye that was causing me to get the stitches in my eyelid was all because my sister was trying to write 'loser' on my forehead.
2009-03-10 11:14:57 / Rating: 203.75 /
Timmy D
My dog doesn't understand daylight savings.
2009-03-09 12:14:10 / Rating: 281.5 /
hunter
I once got barfed on by a baby during hour 3 of a 14-hour plane flight to Australia.
2009-03-05 12:38:04 / Rating: 147.25 /
Panda Bear
I was almost said it out loud, but then I realized "I almost bit your armpit" is a weird thing to tell someone.
2009-03-05 11:39:17 / Rating: 177.5 /
Mistaken confidentiality
An excited 3 AM call about his first homosexual experience in desperate confidentiality to June, was followed by my response of, "Um, you have the wrong number."
2009-03-05 11:38:10 / Rating: 577 /
Pathetic Pooch
My dog was so desperate to avoid his bath that he pretended to vomit.
2009-02-26 20:30:48 / Rating: 417.25 /
Erf
As I left my apartment listening to Daivd Bowie's "1984," I noticed the new security cameras they had installed across the alley.
2009-02-26 20:26:01 / Rating: 256.5 /
Kaycee
The more text messages I see on the phone bill, the higher chances my son has a new girlfriend.
2009-02-26 15:59:37 / Rating: 232.25 /
R
One can only wonder how plausible the words "I'm still a virgin" could possibly have sounded after her little brother told their mother that he heard the bed squeaking rhythmically.
2009-02-24 14:31:29 / Rating: 158.75 /
Bee
Like most people, I didn't imagine my first make-out session as involving a bowl of bananas, a waffle maker, and being interrupted by my fencing coach.
2009-02-18 21:35:47 / Rating: 320 /
Emms
My best friend of nine years still won't let go of the time I accidentally pushed her in front of a taxi before ripping her out of the way.
2009-02-18 21:29:44 / Rating: 213.5 /
hartford
My oldest sister once curiously asked my Grandma Helen why her phone number was written on her arm.
2009-02-17 13:44:48 / Rating: 778 /
Stupidest Thing Ever
While it was comforting to hear the cop's reassurances that he personally did not believe we were pedophiles, it really didn't do much to help the situation.
2009-02-12 11:25:21 / Rating: 275.5 /
Brad Wilson
Today I saw a chicken walking up 9th Avenue and, being very tired, he sat down on a metal door in the sidewalk beside a couple of Mexican guys.
2009-02-10 13:00:55 / Rating: 272.5 /
Katie
During two years of graduate school, I never imagined that my career would involve taking pictures of raisins.
2009-02-06 14:17:50 / Rating: 316.75 /
Pyro
It was at "Disney on Ice" when my Dad told me Walt Disney was a Nazi.
2009-02-06 14:11:47 / Rating: 242 /
happy girl
When I realized I had my period on the night of senior prom, I was glad I didn't wait.
2009-02-06 14:10:07 / Rating: 205.75 /
Alvin
During the party, an awkward silence fell in the room after my wife's grandmother asked me loudly if I'd ever seen a shaved beaver.
2009-02-04 14:43:55 / Rating: 402.25 /
Fly
The day I moved out of my apartment was the day I discovered the bathroom mirror was actually the door to a medicine cabinet.
2009-02-04 14:39:44 / Rating: 500.5 /
Ken
I was trying to call my brother long distance but dialed 911 by accident, when they showed up and realised my mistake, the police officer paged "to cancel the other unit."
2009-02-02 11:53:29 / Rating: 116.75 /
Mr. Chris G.
The correct response to your wife after coming home from an emergency call only to find that your son had caught the majority of the backyard on fire is not, "That's what you called me home for?"
2009-02-02 11:12:07 / Rating: 262.25 /
I shake my head & smile
You know your adult son is home visiting when you find an empty beer can in your shower.
2009-01-30 14:44:37 / Rating: 451.25 /
Teresa
Somewhere in the Colorado penal system, there is a man named David with my name tattooed on his chest.
2009-01-30 14:42:47 / Rating: 379.5 /
Nevadawx
I've garnered two Emmy Awards plus two Associated Press awards and I'll always be known as the dude who hit the "perfect showcase bid" on The Price Is Right.
2009-01-30 11:11:11 / Rating: 312.5 /
Kiev
He'll never know how much time and effort goes into making homemade pierogis.
2009-01-29 16:43:58 / Rating: 204.25 /
annalee
I had to explain I'd lose my job as a swimming teacher if someone drowned in my class, again.
2009-01-29 09:57:54 / Rating: 184.25 /
Sorcha
When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.
2009-01-28 16:28:39 / Rating: 1952.75 /
lost a tooth
That night I fell out of bed and smacked my nose on the metal bedframe, and the next morning my dad joked that the toothfairy pushed me.
2009-01-28 16:28:05 / Rating: 260 /
wildpen
My cat challenged me to a game of "Guess Where I Pooped Before You Step In It" and I lost.
2009-01-28 16:26:35 / Rating: 792.25 /
Tim
Before I had a three year old child, I never imagined I'd discuss whether turtles have eyebrows.
2009-01-28 12:30:11 / Rating: 930 /
jb
My eight year soccer career ended with me scoring my very first goal after which I promptly threw up.
2009-01-28 12:24:14 / Rating: 185.75 /
When my six-year-old brother puked squash all over our dining room table, Mom decided she did not wield the power to make us eat anything.
2009-01-26 09:48:11 / Rating: 238.5 /
Gullible
When I was little, my older brother had me convinced that the members of Hootie and the Blowfish were named Hootie, And, The, and Blowfish.
2009-01-26 09:34:19 / Rating: 237 /
LaDeeDa
Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, Petunia, do NOT put ass cream on your face."
2009-01-23 14:22:40 / Rating: 1542 /
HollyGirl
As we walked down the "Feminine Products" aisle, my 3-year-old son grabbed a box of panty liners off the shelf and said, "Look, Mama, Mouse Diapers!"
2009-01-23 14:19:42 / Rating: 278.25 /
The Ocean
A yeast infection brought us together and bad spelling broke us apart.
2009-01-22 12:28:19 / Rating: 168.5 /
So Many!
If I could've stopped laughing long enough, it may have occurred to me that perhaps my quacking dog needed to see a vet.
2009-01-20 12:43:09 / Rating: 297 /
Herr Benötigen Sie Mehr Getränke
To which I answered, "We now can communicate in code undetected by our adversaries and allies alike, simply by inputting a single sentence, to be posted on an unread, underfunded, underground governmental experiment in the form of a web page".
2009-01-20 12:29:03 / Rating: 180.25 /
Sissy
Just because she just had surgery didn't mean I had to let her win during the Uno tournament.
2009-01-19 15:09:33 / Rating: 251 /
madison
Despite his exasperation, I enjoyed the irony of holding the door for the hotel doorman.
2009-01-19 15:04:14 / Rating: 271.5 /
Me
When I opened the door I noticed 2 things: one, someone had made cookies, and two, all the furniture was missing, in that order.
2009-01-16 12:23:23 / Rating: 724.75 /
selambaness
Suspecting OCD, I tried mismatching my grey-striped monogram-banded blue socks with my grey-striped monogram-banded blue boxers.
2009-01-16 11:09:11 / Rating: 183.25 /
Alix
We put our clothes back on so fast that if we hadn't hesitated in his room, panicking, his parents might never have found out.
2009-01-16 10:56:37 / Rating: 188.75 /
Sleepless in Seattle
I can't believe that you smiling at me was the highlight of a day where I got an A on a test, found twenty bucks, and won a debate.
2009-01-15 12:35:16 / Rating: 849.5 /
Anon
Just when I thought I'd never get to type, "Dude, I KNOW that girl," I found pictures of her in a seedy corner of the internet.
2009-01-15 12:32:37 / Rating: 178.5 /
Aardvark
He gave me a pair of shiny diamonds for Christmas, but I would have preferred a pair of shiny running shoes.
2009-01-14 09:10:29 / Rating: 156.75 /
Sam
I asked my friend if I could use his computer for a second only to find the words "how to properly pick your nose" in the google search queue.
2009-01-12 15:26:37 / Rating: 235 /
the girl
The other day I got into the shower with my bra on and I didn't even notice.
2009-01-12 15:25:16 / Rating: 255.25 /
Teacher
I really didn't mean to get the fake Prada purse vendor arrested.
2009-01-12 15:23:55 / Rating: 295.25 /
Teacher
My wedding began after his ex-girlfriend was removed from the church and ended after I lit my veil on fire with the Unity candle.
2009-01-12 15:23:47 / Rating: 533.25 /
lifeguard!
I once played DanceDanceRevolution for 4 hours straight then jumped off a balcony into a pool, only to almost drown because the muscles in both my legs stopped working the moment I hit the water.
2009-01-09 11:16:39 / Rating: 262.25 /
Mattie
My teacher told me my excuse was more bogus than a story she had read on One Sentence, which happened to be the truest thing I had ever written.
2009-01-07 11:40:56 / Rating: 251.75 /
pumpkin
What my government teacher doesn't know is that when he's lecturing about Roe vs. Wade, I'm wondering what size tutu would be needed to accommodate his mass.
2009-01-07 09:35:17 / Rating: 223.5 /
Jenna Bean
When I was 10-years-old, I gave my mom a note that said, "You are a bich!" and she laughed and showed me my mistake.
2009-01-05 08:43:59 / Rating: 640.5 /
Warren Taylor
In spite of the damage to my car and my body, I couldn't help but laugh at becoming the second person in my family to hit a Burger King.
2009-01-05 08:41:17 / Rating: 619.5 /
SHS LukeE
After the accident, still in a drunken stupor, he asked the cop how the police got there so fast, to which the officer replied, "You hit MY car."
2009-01-02 12:56:54 / Rating: 599 /
Bored of Boredom
After that dream, I never saw Ronald McDonald the same again.
2008-12-31 12:40:04 / Rating: 217.75 /
Santa's Photographer
I saw Santa chuckle to himself and realized I had heard correctly, the little guy did ask for Chinese food for Christmas.
2008-12-25 23:01:51 / Rating: 315.5 /
Crazy
It is not lost on me that taking my cat to a pet psychiatrist suggests I might need a human one myself.
2008-12-25 23:00:29 / Rating: 273.25 /
pouzy
I laughed out loud in class at the severe irony when he pronounced it "foo pah."
2008-12-22 15:47:59 / Rating: 305.75 /
islandbrian
Moments after my three year old son stated, "I help Daddy," I came to realize that our Christmas tree was on fire.
2008-12-17 21:52:09 / Rating: 419.75 /
JLD
When asked by the mechanic what sort of engine I had, I responded "A black one," and didn't understand why he couldn't stop laughing.
2008-12-17 21:51:07 / Rating: 260 /
Annie
He asked, "Is that your purse on fire?"
2008-12-16 09:10:31 / Rating: 231 /
college kid
My ramen has the slightest hint of dishwasher soap flavoring.
2008-12-16 08:52:56 / Rating: 257.75 /
Sam
When I told him I wouldn't have sex with him in the back of his car, he replied, "But it's an Audi."
2008-12-15 16:37:34 / Rating: 594.75 /
for Zandra
You know work is exciting when in the same week you can say, "I got attacked by an angry black midget" and "I was bitten by a lesbian stripper."
2008-12-12 09:22:25 / Rating: 444.5 /
Francis
Announcing "I am loose" in a hostel gave me a lot of unwanted attention but no directions to the rail station.
2008-12-12 09:20:27 / Rating: 267 /
one day
I gave the high school freshman my phone number so he could brag to his friends and because it reaffirmed that I want to be a journalist when I grow up
2008-12-12 09:18:39 / Rating: 161.5 /
CJ
When I was little, my mom told me that the bottom of the pool smelled really good.
2008-12-12 09:17:51 / Rating: 447.75 /
When I picked up my black grandfather from a white woman's house running down the fire escape holding his pants up, I realized I had an interesting childhood.
2008-12-09 09:59:05 / Rating: 359 /
Ellie
I stood in the cereal aisle for ten minutes trying to pick the Marshmallow Mateys bag with the highest marshmallow-to-anchor ratio.
2008-12-05 13:03:14 / Rating: 523.75 /
Lo
My best friend looked at me and said, "My mouth tastes like Spring Break."
2008-12-04 13:19:40 / Rating: 288.5 /
Patricia
Worse than the pain of the tattoo was the embarrassment that he had to shave my toe first.
2008-12-04 13:18:03 / Rating: 255.25 /
only me
When I realized you had a can of Chef Boyardee as a backup dinner for our first date, I knew I would love you.
2008-12-03 15:06:43 / Rating: 441.25 /
no!
I made a face and declared, "You have to CHOOSE to put your tongue up someone else's nose!"
2008-12-01 15:45:33 / Rating: 159.75 /
Murry's Mom
Judith told me later that the deaf woman wasn't blowing kisses at me, she was saying "thank you" in ASL.
2008-12-01 12:06:55 / Rating: 213.25 /
yvon
As I lay in bed curled up in the fetal position, I realized that quitting smoking really was going to be that hard.
2008-12-01 10:06:32 / Rating: 209.5 /
Em
That homeless man just wouldn't give back the guitar.
2008-12-01 10:01:46 / Rating: 212.5 /
Eddie
My mom always joked that I could get a tattoo if it said, "I love Mom," so I made her hold my hand when I got it.
2008-11-21 16:07:54 / Rating: 489.75 /
Gemma
During a romantic dinner away from the kids, I looked down at my hand and saw that there was poop on my diamond.
2008-11-19 13:47:55 / Rating: 290.75 /
mj.
There really is no easy way to explain why there was an electric toothbrush stuck in my hair last night.
2008-11-18 13:21:14 / Rating: 240 /
i love jools
When I bared my soul and told my husband that I wanted to be calmed by the sound of running water while I sleep, he told me to get my pillow and lay down next to the toilet.
2008-11-18 13:15:57 / Rating: 303.75 /
MarissaCondit
The day my Mother accidentally left my little brother at the dog pound gave me the only self-esteem boost I would ever need.
2008-11-18 13:14:45 / Rating: 397.75 /
Rae
It wasn't until I sat down at the table that I realized I had drizzled maple syrup over my kung pao tofu instead of soy sauce.
2008-11-14 15:22:40 / Rating: 238.5 /
Ouch
I was bleeding and in pain, but I had to laugh when the ER nurse asked the guy in the next room, "You swallowed HOW MANY toothbrushes?"
2008-11-14 15:21:37 / Rating: 973 /
For the Smell of Old Books
When the man in the library saw me watching him smell the old dictionary, he pretended to look up a word (but I could tell he was still smelling).
2008-11-13 22:12:50 / Rating: 450.5 /
brandy
No one believes me when I tell them I've actually slipped on a banana peel.
2008-11-13 13:10:04 / Rating: 228.5 /
Pax
Halfway through the song, my host sister told me that my dance partner was the Mongolian Olympic silver medalist in boxing.
2008-11-12 10:03:38 / Rating: 194.25 /
lamont
It took him 30 practice swings just to flop horribly on his one actual swing.
2008-11-12 10:00:01 / Rating: 141 /
snakey
I now have the best icebreaker story I've ever had for parties, because this summer, after I helped out for a couple of days, the circus tried to run away with ME.
2008-11-10 13:40:07 / Rating: 199.25 /
crabapple
I'm selling my old mattress to a guy I had a one-night stand with.
2008-11-06 14:19:41 / Rating: 496.25 /
PCD
When I was finally able to relax after pushing for 30 mins, he said "Good news, you didn't poop!"
2008-11-06 14:16:01 / Rating: 336.5 /
Don Duggan-Haas
When the one-armed Amishman sitting next to me started talking about condoms, I knew it was going to be an interesting train ride.
2008-11-06 14:13:42 / Rating: 478.5 /
amused
The four middle aged ladies I shared a joint with in that state park campground in New Mexico made up an elaborate story about my cross-country road trip that wasn't anywhere near as interesting as the truth.
2008-11-06 14:13:00 / Rating: 175.25 /
CO
As the actor dressed in the Minnie costume stepped on my sandaled four-year old foot after I asked for an autograph I never received, I realized that Disneyland was not "The Happiest Place on Earth" after all.
2008-10-30 22:13:53 / Rating: 227.25 /
Rai
One of my most vivid memories as a child was kicking my brothers privates, not because I was mad at him, but because I was curious if the men in the movies really felt the pain.
2008-10-30 17:17:58 / Rating: 275.25 /
Cole
When I was three, I thought my mom's hot curling iron was a popsicle.
2008-10-28 12:12:48 / Rating: 258.25 /
TwinMom
I never thought I could become immune to watching my boys drink water out of the dog's bowl.
2008-10-24 13:19:14 / Rating: 245.25 /
Reno Reading
My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Funny" and has been using it all over the internet.
2008-10-23 13:39:41 / Rating: 2899.75 /
e
On our middle school class trip to new York City, my cousin got slapped by a bum.
2008-10-22 12:58:47 / Rating: 353 /
Chase
Not being quite attuned to college life, I reflexively put my old home address while ordering a porn DVD.
2008-10-22 12:57:20 / Rating: 467.75 /
Sarah
I'm not an overweight 19-year-old female, but Facebook ads seem to think so.
2008-10-21 15:23:40 / Rating: 346 /
elle
My little brother thinks that he is a super hero because he is convinced he can poop the alphabet.
2008-10-15 15:15:19 / Rating: 422.5 /
Tink
I realized the dress code was less strict that I had previously thought when the female science teacher showed up wearing lederhosen.
2008-10-15 15:13:56 / Rating: 264.5 /
Pax
For breakfast, my Mongolian host parents gave me a boiled sheep's head and a knife.
2008-10-14 09:54:20 / Rating: 278.5 /
Eva
When I asked my son how hitting his brother in the eye could be "an accident," he replied, "I was trying to hit him in the nose."
2008-10-10 16:00:34 / Rating: 779.25 /
Someone
Walking downtown, holding hands with my long-haired boyfriend, I often wondered how many people who saw us from behind thought we were lesbians.
2008-10-10 11:14:52 / Rating: 301.75 /
Steveie
In order to desensitize my roommate to various things involved in childbirth I hid sticky notes around the room with the words like "placenta" on them.
2008-10-10 11:14:45 / Rating: 277 /
cal
Running into my uptight, conservative boss at a gay bar was both the most embarrassing and the most gratifying experience of my life.
2008-10-07 16:53:57 / Rating: 584.25 /
Celia
You know you live in a hippie commune when you go to bed alone and wake up with three other people and think this is normal.
2008-10-07 16:50:11 / Rating: 334.75 /
Slim
I tried to ignore the fact that I was alone in my dorm on a Saturday night and focused my energy into color-coding the rest of my shoes.
2008-10-06 13:10:03 / Rating: 265.5 /
Sleepy
"One Sentence" helped me stay awake until two in the morning so I could take my second morning after pill.
2008-10-06 13:08:30 / Rating: 259.75 /
Bread Doesn't Burn
I almost had to repeat the ninth grade for attempted arson, all because the three of us were bored at lunch and decided to try to light my sandwich on fire.
2008-09-29 13:51:54 / Rating: 436 /
"Now that hurt", I said.
My therapist was relatively quiet while I talked, until I mentioned that Paul Newman had died, which elicited from her a dramatic gasp.
2008-09-29 13:45:11 / Rating: 281.75 /
Heather Rose
As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.
2008-09-26 17:46:59 / Rating: 2162.5 /
shrunk
The truth is, the only birthday card I received was from my therapist.
2008-09-26 17:33:33 / Rating: 235.25 /
bored as mustard
I have three giant bruises and a bit of a bruised ego as proof that you can, in fact, forget how to ride a bicycle.
2008-09-24 11:12:32 / Rating: 451.75 /
laura
I can't tell what's worse: the death of the boy who pulled down his underwear in front of me in the first grade or feeling terrible every time I tell people about the first time I ever saw a penis.
2008-09-21 14:24:23 / Rating: 291.5 /
Kenshiro
I stopped believing in God the day that my neighbour claimed that Holy Mother Mary had appeared as a humidity spot on his bathroom wall and tried to charge me $2 to see it.
2008-09-21 14:21:23 / Rating: 397.75 /
We got away
Being in the 'haunted' condemned mental hospital was worth the concussion I received from the headfirst dive I made into the car after being spotted by the police.
2008-09-17 23:43:23 / Rating: 202.75 /
aunt d
When my 8-year-old niece came home from her friend's birthday party and assured me that she did not drink any beer, I knew something was very wrong with our culture.
2008-09-11 20:04:35 / Rating: 569.75 /
Lyv
It always brings a smile to my face when my dad tells large groups of strangers how he once cut himself on Jello.
2008-09-11 20:02:30 / Rating: 504 /
Taylor
I've never been as proud as I was when I sat down and honestly said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I HAVE been flossing."
2008-09-10 14:41:23 / Rating: 397.5 /
Thanks, Gustav!
201 electricity-free hours will make you reconsider ever buying frozen fish again.
2008-09-10 14:40:14 / Rating: 243.75 /
Alicia n Jeanne
Alicia said, "Feliz Navidad," to which Jeanne replied, "But you're Filipino, not Jewish."
2008-09-09 16:09:36 / Rating: 333.25 /
anon
Every time I have to ask what I did last night I feel like Sherlock Holmes.
2008-09-08 10:55:06 / Rating: 243.75 /
gofish
By putting the card table on the property line I had outwitted my parents punishment of "stay in the yard with no friends over."
2008-09-03 13:54:18 / Rating: 454 /
Basilisk
It was at that moment that I realized just how similar are the tastes of fresh fish and week old, unrefrigerated turkey.
2008-09-03 13:53:46 / Rating: 194.5 /
Unidentified Ethnicity
She tried to convert me to Christianity because I looked Jewish.
2008-08-27 16:21:32 / Rating: 337.5 /
Daddy
After finding out her grandfather was in the army, my daughter asked "Was he with the green guys or the tan guys?"
2008-08-27 14:57:30 / Rating: 256.75 /
A.D.
In Physics of Music class, I learned that a wave is defined as "a traveling disturbance" and I thought of my ex-boyfriend.
2008-08-27 14:55:54 / Rating: 507.5 /
Port Noir
It started an hour late because the first comic was a pothead who left the microphone at Taco Bell when he had a snack attack before the show.
2008-08-27 14:54:48 / Rating: 300.5 /
SilverMarc
How was I supposed to know what "cease and desist" meant?
2008-08-26 10:18:50 / Rating: 267 /
.
If you thought toilet paper on the back of your shoe was bad, try someone else's used pad.
2008-08-26 10:18:04 / Rating: 374.75 /
stupidlove
It's been four days, and I still don't know what I should have said to the pretty girl sitting next to me who said "Everybody likes good porn."
2008-08-26 10:17:26 / Rating: 537.25 /
A.D.
When I was little I thought the "f" word was "fart" because I wasn't allowed to say it.
2008-08-26 10:15:54 / Rating: 250.5 /
Talim
I found out, for some odd reason, my printer speaks in Spanish.
2008-08-26 10:15:05 / Rating: 218 /
JenZen
In one day I had convinced my grandfather I was old enough to drive his riding mower and ran over the new slide with the riding mower.
2008-08-22 17:37:21 / Rating: 191.25 /
Just another one
As I watched him squat off the rail road bridge with two of my friends holding his arms to keep him from falling into the river thirty feet below, I wondered how fast he'd be able to move with his pants around his ankles as I saw a train round the corner.
2008-08-22 17:31:58 / Rating: 230 /
MartyB
I told my eight-year-old daughter she could choose lemonade, lemonade or lemonade and she asked "What was the second one again?"
2008-08-22 13:56:40 / Rating: 865.75 /
Doritos
We met because he'd hit me in the back of the head with his trombone slide.
2008-08-18 14:58:13 / Rating: 325.5 /
Courtney
I took a huge bite of rice pudding only to realize that it was actually tartar sauce.
2008-08-14 20:37:55 / Rating: 433.25 /
Mr. Lucas Brice
I found out the reason the emails to my old friend bounced is because unbeknownst to me, Steven was now Janet.
2008-08-14 20:35:28 / Rating: 267.5 /
Eileen
I will never again give cucumbers from my garden as a gift to a man with erectile dysfunction.
2008-08-12 15:48:18 / Rating: 374.75 /
stupidlove
I took my wife's sluttiest panties with me to the Kentucky bar exam because they had always been lucky for me.
2008-08-12 15:04:21 / Rating: 355.25 /
Jay
I lied to them when I said I found my keys at the park because I didn't want to admit my own stupidity at having accidentally dropped them into my bag of carrots.
2008-08-12 15:03:04 / Rating: 240.25 /
KarmaRama
Two days after I berated my incompetent roommate for flooding the laundry room, I flooded the laundry room.
2008-08-12 14:54:49 / Rating: 356.75 /
Get Out Much?
An impatient check of the UPS online tracking center reveals that the package has been on my front porch for three days.
2008-08-11 16:29:57 / Rating: 458.75 /
Tom
I had to go to the hospital in the 7th grade after I fell off my bike because the sombrero I was wearing to block the sun blew off and I instinctively reached back to grab it and lost balance.
2008-08-11 15:42:34 / Rating: 234.5 /
xunshine
After we finished kissing, I laughed and said,"Can you please go brush your teeth?"
2008-08-07 15:14:06 / Rating: 203.25 /
LP
I think the best revenge I could possibly have pales in comparison to knowing your co-op board is about to stage an intervention about over how bad you smell.
2008-08-06 16:34:30 / Rating: 257.75 /
Kate
I know doctors hear it all, but how many other people fracture their hand while rapping on the wall to try to get the neighbors to stop having such loud sex?
2008-08-06 16:33:06 / Rating: 432.25 /
Waylon
"Well, I'm no gynecologist", I murmured into the phone, "But I'll come over and have a look."
2008-08-06 16:09:11 / Rating: 310.5 /
Leechard
I need a vacuum cleaner to clean out my vacuum cleaner.
2008-08-04 17:14:03 / Rating: 225 /
Connor
All I could think of as my friend sat naked next to me encouraging me to throw up was what a great One Sentence it would make.
2008-08-04 09:49:49 / Rating: 384.5 /
MADk
I imagine the people at Harvard gave my application the same look Mary received from the Israelites when she told them her new son, Jesus, was immaculately conceived.
2008-07-30 14:41:13 / Rating: 485.25 /
Bottoms Up
It figures: the one time I get a hot-looking nurse, it's for my colonoscopy.
2008-07-29 13:52:30 / Rating: 443.75 /
She deserved it.
I accidentally cut my finger open while slicing honeydew and bled on it, then licked the blood off, and served it to my mother-in-law.
2008-07-25 16:12:07 / Rating: 346 /
awkward
When my girlfriend and I were robbed, the cop asked if the red spots on my neck were from the fight.
2008-07-25 10:19:38 / Rating: 283.75 /
J
Did the nurse really have to laugh when my mom said her nine-year-old had dropped a toenail in his eye and we couldn't find it?
2008-07-22 12:23:17 / Rating: 296.25 /
Feenix
He sang to me as we danced in the fountain and later he caressed my cheek, stroked my neck, touched my adam's apple, and asked me if I was a man.
2008-07-21 16:12:16 / Rating: 403.25 /
Greg
When asked to donate a dollar to Lou Gehrig's Disease research (ALS), the customer replied, "No, I'm not a Yankees fan".
2008-07-21 16:04:03 / Rating: 255.75 /
Cara
I discovered in front of the entire store that gourmet dog biscuits look like, but do not taste like, people cookies.
2008-07-21 15:36:48 / Rating: 293.5 /
Aub
I think my dad realized I would never take out the garbage again when the trash bag he told me to pick up turned out to be a three-foot-long snake coiled up in a corner.
2008-07-21 15:36:15 / Rating: 305 /
felinefevah
I panicked, thinking my precious fluffy cat had a tumor, until I realized he just had a Cocoa Puff stuck to his ass.
2008-07-18 01:26:39 / Rating: 658.75 /
heather
I couldn't decide which was weirder: falling asleep next to a stack of unopened bank statements or waking up on top of a bunch of open ones.
2008-07-15 10:21:16 / Rating: 221.5 /
Emily
He was running towards me, calling my name, when all of the sudden he stopped and made a horrid face as he looked at his shoe.
2008-07-10 15:32:45 / Rating: 307.75 /
Emily
We got quite the looks at the hospital, walking around with her hands glued to my feet in wheelbarrow position.
2008-07-10 15:32:31 / Rating: 388.25 /
R
Yesterday, I got a black eye from a plastic hammer.
2008-07-10 15:31:22 / Rating: 221 /
Frog Kisser
I began to wonder what kind of vibe I was putting off when a guy gave me his number on a $20 bill, a married couple propositioned me, and I was set up with a porn star all in one week.
2008-07-09 17:38:21 / Rating: 381.5 /
Snafu Suz
As I dropped my spare change into his cup and heard a splash, I was horrified to realize he was not a homeless person begging for money but just a guy on the corner enjoying his coffee.
2008-07-09 00:01:01 / Rating: 707.5 /
Matt
When my wife's only comment to my former mistress was "Thanks for taking care of him while I was away," I knew that I would never again be unfaithful .
2008-07-08 23:59:56 / Rating: 366.25 /
Noa
The irony that I had taken a day off from my job collecting horse urine to go to the doctors and have to provide a urine sample did not escape me at all.
2008-07-07 13:57:05 / Rating: 279.75 /
Say Aaaahhhh
The vet and I laughed until we cried when my boyfriend almost fainted because she took his cat's temperature rectally.
2008-07-03 12:00:13 / Rating: 377.5 /
Lisa K. S.
I thought he was going to ask me for a dollar, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend I blurted, "No, can't you get it from somebody else?"
2008-07-01 15:13:13 / Rating: 656.5 /
TheArchimage
I knew I was going to fail the class when the professor pulled me aside and asked, "Do you have a learning disability I should know about?"
2008-07-01 15:12:30 / Rating: 470.75 /
Tin
The one-night-stand girl and I met again at an extended family reunion.
2008-07-01 15:10:46 / Rating: 678.25 /
sexuallyfrustrated
I couldn't stop staring at his crotch as we sorted concrete mixes in the lab.
2008-07-01 15:03:20 / Rating: 250.75 /
Melissa
I knew my boyfriend had finally been accepted into the family when my dad gave him a key to his garage.
2008-06-30 13:21:44 / Rating: 231 /
Erin
As I contemplated removing my birthmark, the woman in the dressing room said she used to have a birthmark just like that and then showed me the hideous scar that replaced it.
2008-06-27 14:54:57 / Rating: 296.75 /
Ekublai
It was only when my English professor started replacing the "said"s with "and was like"s in my assignments that I started to question the worth of my high school diploma.
2008-06-25 20:39:54 / Rating: 403.5 /
Peanut
The cop and I had a delightful conversation about sweaters and the weather and to this day he does not know that I was drunk and not even 17 yet.
2008-06-25 16:05:41 / Rating: 327.25 /
Eliot Scott
When I called my dad, crying, from journalism camp and told him I had no friends, he explained, "Well, Eliot, you're kind of a nerd."
2008-06-23 13:23:36 / Rating: 781.25 /
Stace
As a first year science teacher, I realised that parent-teacher interviews formed my best ever lessons in human genetics.
2008-06-23 09:47:30 / Rating: 346 /
Carissa
I don't care if your last name is a word for a genital condition, I still love every little thing about you.
2008-06-18 10:21:41 / Rating: 405.25 /
Charles
The moment the bears arrived we knew we had picked the worse of the two campsites.
2008-06-17 17:54:25 / Rating: 263.75 /
Sam W.
She realized I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.
2008-06-16 16:10:13 / Rating: 199.25 /
Corner Room
It's not until you live in a dorm room that shares a wall with a stairwell that you realize people are horrible at carrying things up and down steps.
2008-06-13 13:40:49 / Rating: 339.25 /
Elee
Walking home in the pouring rain was not the best time to discover a hole in my shoe.
2008-06-13 13:39:44 / Rating: 215.25 /
Rebel
I lost the ping-pong tournament to an exchange student who apparently has nothing better to do in his country.
2008-06-11 16:25:11 / Rating: 230.25 /
micaela
I would have never have met my true love if it weren't for my sudden desire to plant turnips.
2008-06-11 13:10:15 / Rating: 299.75 /
What are the odds?
I knew God had a sense of humor when I hesitantly answered the ringing K-Mart payphone, only to hear my best friend, who had misdialed my home phone number, on the other end.
2008-06-10 10:39:09 / Rating: 3679 /
-b
When the doctor told me I had strep throat, I knew it was time to confront my roommate about her illicit use of my toothbrush.
2008-06-09 12:16:57 / Rating: 236.25 /
C. Lee
As I sat in the stranger's van, clutching my knee, the only thing I managed to say was, "I am SO sorry for bleeding on you seat, ma'am."
2008-06-09 12:14:44 / Rating: 307.25 /
Techie
My friend had tears of joy in his eyes when he found out his locker number was 1337.
2008-06-09 12:09:06 / Rating: 764.25 /
Olivoi
It's a good thing the local news camera was only shooting from the chest up, because other than his tuxedo jacket, he was wearing fishnets, army boots, and not much else.
2008-06-06 17:11:35 / Rating: 275.75 /
lines
Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero.
2008-06-06 17:06:53 / Rating: 2525 /
tourguide
Whenever my campus tour groups ask about the library facilities, I am tempted to explain to them how exactly I know that the private study rooms are soundproof.
2008-06-06 17:05:53 / Rating: 458 /
averna
This morning, I found a spot on my washcloth that smelled like really good pot.
2008-06-06 17:03:12 / Rating: 254.25 /
Noodles
Carving my name into your arm with an old metal compass was probably not the best way to win my affection.
2008-06-04 10:02:39 / Rating: 237 /
Aj
My doctor told me i was 2 lbs. overweight and suggested I join Weight Watchers.
2008-06-03 15:36:47 / Rating: 248.75 /
Clsfd Kidd
I lit the gasoline-soaked, freshly-cut branches with a lighter that was about five feet too short.
2008-06-02 13:33:55 / Rating: 246.75 /
Oh the irony
Reading through the unapproved sentences yesterday, I was impressed with the emotional intensity and similarity I had with one of them, until I realized it was one of my own.
2008-05-30 10:09:50 / Rating: 379.75 /
Dfong
As the vomit crawled up my throat I suddenly realized I was holding the barf bag upside down.
2008-05-30 10:06:48 / Rating: 304.75 /
Maggie
I used to want to be a writer when I grew up, until I learned the word "poverty."
2008-05-28 15:56:22 / Rating: 283.25 /
Tomatoes
I crashed my friend's car on a sandwich run and to top it off, I brought him back the wrong sandwich.
2008-05-27 10:11:19 / Rating: 455.75 /
Cupcake
She realized her sleeping habits were going to change when the crack heads at the clinic next door smoked their cigarettes and chattered loudly at 5:45 AM for the 4th day in a row.
2008-05-23 11:16:53 / Rating: 227.25 /
That Mom
Would it be wrong to make my husband wear a bib?
2008-05-23 11:12:25 / Rating: 197.5 /
callmejackieo
We were going to stay up all night recording experimental music on his computer like John and Yoko, but then his mom came in and told us it was time for him to go to bed.
2008-05-21 09:36:07 / Rating: 292 /
PHDrillSergeant
There is no odder combination of items at the grocery store than a jar of Vaseline and a single cucumber.
2008-05-21 09:34:51 / Rating: 361.25 /
Cam
My neighbor just found out that I get dressed with the blinds open.
2008-05-21 09:33:33 / Rating: 259.5 /
Mary
We thought my dog had a tick and tried "smoking it out" with a hot match only to discover it was her nipple.
2008-05-14 13:56:41 / Rating: 445.5 /
Rudy
Yesterday my five year old told me that he found out at school that Heaven is full of dead people.
2008-05-13 12:03:10 / Rating: 412 /
cpumaster
I blew out my knee making love to my fiance a week before I had to go to the recruiters office.
2008-05-08 17:37:40 / Rating: 378 /
Perplexious
My uncle laughed uncontrollably at my flustered mother as she explained my mentally retarded brother's behavior of waving at cars while walking nude through the neighborhood, but the jokes ended the next day when it was my uncle who found a pile of my brother's clothes on the front porch.
2008-05-08 17:35:25 / Rating: 245.25 /
LNO
I thought the worst gift ever given was a cheese grater given to my mom by my dad for Christmas, but he recently topped it with a flashlight, key chain and hand warmers for her birthday.
2008-05-07 13:53:50 / Rating: 214.5 /
Mike Drucker
Because he slept on the top bunk, my brother always called me "the monster under the bed."
2008-05-07 13:51:39 / Rating: 400 /
Poppy
Yesterday my four-year-old married his "girlfriend" and they shared a fruit muffin as their wedding cake.
2008-05-01 14:27:14 / Rating: 667.25 /
kt
The most romantic moment of my life ended with the word "boner."
2008-04-30 14:52:26 / Rating: 474.5 /
m
My mother forgot to wash the pans between courses, resulting in cherry pie that tasted vaguely of fish, but it was still the best birthday ever.
2008-04-29 12:11:37 / Rating: 326.25 /
Perplexious
I used to think a futon was a cross between a crouton and a wonton, and would always get weird looks from the waitstaff when I'd try to order one at an Asian restaurant.
2008-04-28 10:27:35 / Rating: 390.25 /
Squeaky Clean
I got tested for STDs and had my ears cleaned today.
2008-04-25 10:25:08 / Rating: 226.25 /
Interviewee
1 hour and 45 minutes, a talkative bald man, a crack-head with a faxing issue, and 13 color copies later, I am still hours away from ready for tomorrow.
2008-04-25 10:22:44 / Rating: 208.25 /
Larissa
It took me two years to realize that I'd sacrificed way too much to keep him happy, and I can't believe what finally sent me over the edge was him telling me "I think I'm a werewolf."
2008-04-18 10:19:15 / Rating: 448 /
rollergirl
My 86-year-old grandmother told me she'd always wanted to "blaze up a fat one."
2008-04-18 10:17:03 / Rating: 620.5 /
LNO
As I put my backpack on, preparing to leave the bus, it tripped the emergency exit and it's very loud alarm signaling the start of another day of high school.
2008-04-17 18:08:37 / Rating: 193.75 /
AmericanGirl
When I woke up late one Saturday morning in a hotel room in Jerusalem with an Israeli soldier next to me, I knew I was finally living the dream.
2008-04-15 23:02:31 / Rating: 279.25 /
No credit, please
The support of the third grade class was striking, as the second grade's "Tinkerbell" died in silence.
2008-04-15 10:16:44 / Rating: 222.75 /
Dylan
As I was washing my hands I noticed the lack of urinals along the wall and realized I had made this mistake twice in the same day.
2008-04-15 10:06:10 / Rating: 531.75 /
OminousGasPains
When I wrenched my back unpacking the massage table, her anniversary gift suddenly became "ours."
2008-04-15 10:05:44 / Rating: 281.25 /
Mark
At four, Sam ordered his first hamburger, and when the waitress asked, "Certainly, sir, medium?" replied indignantly, "No, large!"
2008-04-10 15:40:07 / Rating: 552.75 /
Cinnamon Stillwater
I don't know if it was the alcohol, the darkness or the rush to put my clothing back on that made me fall onto the cactus.
2008-04-10 14:56:44 / Rating: 444.75 /
Kelly Braden
I asked my local newspaper to discontinue littering their typo filled publication on my doorstep, having cancelled my subscription last week.
2008-04-08 17:02:24 / Rating: 214.5 /
Stephanie E.
I went to the emergency room and was diagnosed with a headache.
2008-04-07 14:21:43 / Rating: 257 /
No, I'm not pregnant
It was when I brought my selected books to the library check-out counter and the librarian looked at me funny that I started to reconsider my reasearch paper topic on abortion.
2008-04-07 14:20:57 / Rating: 288 /
Mac
I realized I was getting old when I referred to something that happenend two years ago by "the other day."
2008-04-04 14:28:05 / Rating: 320 /
roadtripryan
As I rummaged through the cereal box sleepy eyed this morning, a bit of sadness came over me when I remembered adult cereals don't contain prizes.
2008-04-02 15:22:52 / Rating: 497.75 /
Poppy
As he watched them make his hamburger from the counter, my four year old announced loudly that he was no longer interested in being an astronaut when he grew up but would prefer to have a job at McDonalds.
2008-04-01 12:10:56 / Rating: 485.5 /
ChunkyMonkey
When she told me she had seen me driving around town my first thought was, "Oh, God, I hope I wasn't picking my nose!"
2008-03-27 20:36:11 / Rating: 237.25 /
whackest
I was grateful to my father for finding the ointment until I realized it had expired nineteen years earlier.
2008-03-27 20:35:19 / Rating: 261.75 /
Wedgie Picker
I turned my back to a car and picked my wedgie so no one would see, but it turned out there were 2 passengers in the car.
2008-03-26 13:29:03 / Rating: 394.25 /
mathematically challenged
I'm so terrible at math that my precalculus teacher had me write an essay about why I'm terrible at math so I wouldn't fail the class.
2008-03-26 13:24:59 / Rating: 381.5 /
that girl on the couch
Melted ice cream makes a very poor projectile.
2008-03-26 13:19:25 / Rating: 177.75 /
Ashley
It's 10:30 pm on a Saturday night, and I get a text from my mom: "Will you pimp my MySpace?"
2008-03-25 10:52:21 / Rating: 580.5 /
Airily
I hadn't understood just how much I hated my roommate until I laughed while watching her walk into a glass door and break her nose.
2008-03-25 10:49:20 / Rating: 340.75 /
A
I started to think I wasn't being taken seriously when he reached over and honked my nose.
2008-03-21 17:13:25 / Rating: 355.25 /
juju
I vacuumed, on purpose, the rug and, acidentally, the cat.
2008-03-21 17:09:08 / Rating: 396.75 /
The Day The Music Died
And that, my friends, is how I ended up getting my first kiss (from a complete stranger, to boot) at Rocky Horror Picture Show night.
2008-03-19 09:52:14 / Rating: 260.75 /
Riff
Right after my brother asked for a sign from God, I noticed someone had written the words "FUCK OFF" in the dirt.
2008-03-12 17:42:02 / Rating: 640.5 /
Death and Taxes
He asked me if I would still file his taxes for him after I told him I didn't think I loved him anymore.
2008-03-10 10:18:54 / Rating: 311.25 /
Eternal Flame
I forget which was funnier: the joke my friend told at lunch, or the milk that I shot out of my nose.
2008-03-10 10:18:13 / Rating: 307.25 /
Anonymous
As I sat happily eating a cup of ice cream, I suddenly noticed the unpleasant taste of dish soap.
2008-03-07 16:56:09 / Rating: 272.75 /
LNO
I called a certain moronic President a "bozo" and my mom told me that we do not "blaspheme the president."
2008-03-06 13:02:16 / Rating: 322.75 /
Michele G.
None of us realized how loudly we were talking until the word "vagina" rang out into the hallway and seemed to just hang there like red neon.
2008-03-05 12:37:04 / Rating: 383.75 /
Seven
You know it's time to do dishes when you find yourself eating a TV dinner with a butter knife.
2008-03-03 12:58:11 / Rating: 467.5 /
Jaruso
Sitting at my desk I think of the days before the minivan and can almost smell the beer drenched microphone.
2008-02-25 21:26:46 / Rating: 283.25 /
KRose
As I took off my shirt for him to tattoo "Bite Me, Please!" on my back, he said "I can see why."
2008-02-25 21:23:42 / Rating: 241.75 /
wanderlost
I knew my step-son had been overly sheltered when he told me a character from Guitar Hero III was the "black version of Jimi Hendrix."
2008-02-22 16:11:21 / Rating: 482.25 /
Interrupted
He wanted to continue our morning romp, but our new kittens were sitting on the bed and they looked like a couple of dashboard bobble head ornaments watching us and he couldn't stop laughing.
2008-02-22 16:09:48 / Rating: 459 /
LNO
It was only after I shattered the chocolate heart that I wondered if allegories worked outside of literary works.
2008-02-22 16:09:16 / Rating: 405 /
Jo
About the dumbest thing you can say about an embalmed body at a funeral is that they "look good," but that is what everyone kept saying.
2008-02-20 16:22:18 / Rating: 339.25 /
L.Mead
Everytime I tripped when I was younger I used to think my feet were plotting against me and my hands were my only true friends.
2008-02-13 13:18:41 / Rating: 638.25 /
Oops
As I put away my birth certificate that was returned with my new passport, I found the passport I thought I lost.
2008-02-13 13:07:17 / Rating: 269 /
Cam
As a kid dripping in mud, I couldn't see why bringing four frogs home in a zip lock bag was bad idea.
2008-02-11 16:54:22 / Rating: 295.25 /
Icki
She meant to say "You crack me up," but the words escaped as "You creep me out."
2008-02-08 16:50:28 / Rating: 306.25 /
spacegirl
I offered him some water, and instead of answering, he told me my refrigerator smelled bad.
2008-02-05 10:42:07 / Rating: 198.25 /
Tag
I gave my mother mono because I secretly drank out of the cartoon of orange juice and put it back in the fridge.
2008-02-05 10:36:16 / Rating: 297 /
Carrie
I woke up naked next to my friend with three hundred dollars in chips in my hand and thought, "I love Vegas."
2008-01-31 12:08:08 / Rating: 262.25 /
The Guru
I nearly fell off my bike laughing after seeing the standard poodle sniffing around on the housetop without a care in the world, particularly to that of gravity.
2008-01-31 12:06:27 / Rating: 271 /
Sid
I was at the dentist and I burped, then he told me what I had for breakfast.
2008-01-29 15:30:56 / Rating: 379 /
Kurtus
I farted in the kitchen and my roommate broke her toe.
2008-01-29 15:28:54 / Rating: 289.5 /
UnlikelyMom
Imagine my two girls as they opened up their exciting Christmas toy, squeezed goop into molds, put the mold into the oven, then waited, and waited, and waited, realizing that there was no heat, no light bulb, and would be no bug - just a bunch of disappointing goo.
2008-01-25 13:21:04 / Rating: 261.5 /
heh heh...
Ever since my electric toothbrush turned on in my bookbag that morning, I've been getting weird looks from people in my English class.
2008-01-22 18:11:34 / Rating: 346 /
spacegirl
He gently suggested that perhaps I consider broadening my cheese horizons and I almost burst into tears.
2008-01-18 10:52:54 / Rating: 316.75 /
1up
I realized what irony was when I reached for my box of birth control hidden in a baby's onesie.
2008-01-16 14:21:53 / Rating: 314.5 /
Melodious
My co-worker, who is named Patience, is the most stressed out person I know.
2008-01-16 14:20:08 / Rating: 247.75 /
Sunshine
After I insisted he finish the leftover tomato soup that "tasted funny," I remembered I ate the rest of soup for lunch yesterday.
2008-01-11 13:59:01 / Rating: 373.25 /
scarlett
Lots of things remind me of you, like paper-cuts, couples fighting in the supermarket, and oil spills.
2008-01-11 13:56:59 / Rating: 377 /
R.Riley
Seeing a 40 year old crack whore wearing a shirt saying "You can't afford me" and knowing she's probably right made me realize I'd hit rock bottom.
2007-12-31 11:57:16 / Rating: 1529.25 /
NoSex
She thought I was looking at myself in the mirror, but I was actually flirting with another girl from across the room whose ass and eyes I caught in the reflection.
2007-12-27 12:25:39 / Rating: 335 /
shaytertot
They didn't have the DVD she wanted at Wal-Mart, so I bought her a big red bong for Christmas instead.
2007-12-27 12:21:24 / Rating: 306 /
ichthus
Until last year I never realized that people in mental institutions really do color and put jigsaw puzzles together.
2007-12-13 00:18:46 / Rating: 355.5 /
i'm still sorry about that
I seriously never thought I was going to crack up in the middle of my first kiss.
2007-12-07 15:03:53 / Rating: 365.25 /
LeLou
Each time one of my best girl friends calls with news that they are engaged I automatically play "Another One Bites the Dust," in my head though I feign excitement and tears for them.
2007-12-06 12:17:58 / Rating: 317.75 /
Jessica
The first clue it's been a long day is when you profess your love to the vending machine down the hall.
2007-12-03 15:16:43 / Rating: 325.5 /
indi
Sitting at work, editing boring conference sound clips, all I wanted to do was save them under the "Death Metal" Genre and see if anyone noticed.
2007-11-30 13:38:11 / Rating: 255.5 /
Ace
My brother ambled into the room, sipping his drink, and said thoughtfully: "You know, I wish there was something like iced tea... but warm."
2007-11-30 13:36:07 / Rating: 445.75 /
Brendan
As a child, I would lay my shirt on the bed with the front facing me and then lift the shirt over my head, inadvertently ensuring that I had it on backward every single day.
2007-11-26 12:37:21 / Rating: 312.75 /
Sara
This morning while in the shower the ground shook, and I realized my greatest fear is to die naked.
2007-11-26 12:36:50 / Rating: 463.5 /
Dmann
An intoxicated man pointed to a car's license plate and said to me "This chinaman is from Iwo Jima" and when I looked at the license plate it said "IOWA."
2007-11-24 18:32:42 / Rating: 361.25 /
Theresa
When I was a kid I thought vampire's teeth were like straws.
2007-11-24 18:28:55 / Rating: 378.5 /
Ryan
Of all the things for a teacher to overhear me saying in class, "chafed areola" was probably not the best, even in context.
2007-11-15 22:21:55 / Rating: 501.5 /
tanya kristine
One morning while training a new employee, I silently farted and she said "Mmm! Someone’s cooking bacon!"
2007-11-15 21:48:55 / Rating: 524.75 /
Nicole
I knew I was pronouncing "island" (is-land) wrong when I discovered the word "isle" in third grade.
2007-11-14 10:54:09 / Rating: 320.25 /
Curry
As I looked back on that horribly mortifying moment I realized it could have been much worse, it could have been my mom that walked in.
2007-11-12 22:47:18 / Rating: 430.5 /
Pay no attention to the backhoe outside
Our family's ability to pretend nothing is wrong was never tested more than when the backhoe burying my neice's horse was operating in full view of the Thanksgiving Dinner table.
2007-11-07 13:14:19 / Rating: 305.5 /
Holy Roller Novocaine
I may have cost my company ten million dollars yesterday, but it's more important for me right now to figure out who in my office I would cast in 'Office Space' roles.
2007-11-07 13:13:45 / Rating: 267.5 /
sa
I was never very close with my Grandfather, so it's no surprise that when he died and all my cousins received a cherished belonging of his, I got some socks.
2007-11-05 13:30:09 / Rating: 247.25 /
WarDamnEagle
There are two kinds of friends in the world: the ones who help you up when you've passed out in a bar and call a cab and the ones that take 'funny' pictures of you.
2007-11-05 13:20:56 / Rating: 1381.25 /
Cupcake
"$8.59 is a very reasonable price for peace of mind," she thought as she pitched the negative pregnancy test in the trash.
2007-11-02 14:36:52 / Rating: 535.75 /
We Say Goodbye
For 6 months I tried to figure out what was different about her before her mother told me about her nose job.
2007-10-29 10:15:15 / Rating: 207.5 /
The Song In My Head
Our manager didn't know that you had to push a button to make the drive-thru window open again so her face got stuck.
2007-10-29 10:14:57 / Rating: 477.5 /
Snarkmeister
Sitting there stoned out of my mind on medical-grade marijuana, I thought I'd lost the ability to comprehend the English language, but then I realized that my brother-in-law was jabbering away at me with his dentures out.
2007-10-29 10:13:46 / Rating: 419.75 /
thekatherine
No one noticed us hooking up beneath the covers during movie night.
2007-10-29 10:10:32 / Rating: 258.25 /
e
He endlessly enjoyed being the one white gay boy in a gaggle of straight black girls.
2007-10-26 12:56:26 / Rating: 220 /
Kathryn
I stopped eating meat after seeing 'Chicken Run'.