elle
My little brother thinks that he is a super hero because he is convinced he can poop the alphabet.
2008-10-15 15:15:19 / Rating: 23 / 
Story archives - tag: "humor"
Tink
I realized the dress code was less strict that I had previously thought when the female science teacher showed up wearing lederhosen.
2008-10-15 15:13:56 / Rating: 22.5 /
Pax
For breakfast, my Mongolian host parents gave me a boiled sheep's head and a knife.
2008-10-14 09:54:20 / Rating: 43.25 /
Eva
When I asked my son how hitting his brother in the eye could be "an accident," he replied, "I was trying to hit him in the nose."
2008-10-10 16:00:34 / Rating: 172 /
Someone
Walking downtown, holding hands with my long-haired boyfriend, I often wondered how many people who saw us from behind thought we were lesbians.
2008-10-10 11:14:52 / Rating: 44 /
Steveie
In order to desensitize my roommate to various things involved in childbirth I hid sticky notes around the room with the words like "placenta" on them.
2008-10-10 11:14:45 / Rating: 54.25 /
cal
Running into my uptight, conservative boss at a gay bar was both the most embarrassing and the most gratifying experience of my life.
2008-10-07 16:53:57 / Rating: 115.5 /
Celia
You know you live in a hippie commune when you go to bed alone and wake up with three other people and think this is normal.
2008-10-07 16:50:11 / Rating: 86.75 /
Slim
I tried to ignore the fact that I was alone in my dorm on a Saturday night and focused my energy into color-coding the rest of my shoes.
2008-10-06 13:10:03 / Rating: 58.75 /
Sleepy
"One Sentence" helped me stay awake until two in the morning so I could take my second morning after pill.
2008-10-06 13:08:30 / Rating: 68.25 /
Bread Doesn't Burn
I almost had to repeat the ninth grade for attempted arson, all because the three of us were bored at lunch and decided to try to light my sandwich on fire.
2008-09-29 13:51:54 / Rating: 147 /
"Now that hurt", I said.
My therapist was relatively quiet while I talked, until I mentioned that Paul Newman had died, which elicited from her a dramatic gasp.
2008-09-29 13:45:11 / Rating: 92 /
Heather Rose
As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.
2008-09-26 17:46:59 / Rating: 472.5 /
shrunk
The truth is, the only birthday card I received was from my therapist.
2008-09-26 17:33:33 / Rating: 75 /
bored as mustard
I have three giant bruises and a bit of a bruised ego as proof that you can, in fact, forget how to ride a bicycle.
2008-09-24 11:12:32 / Rating: 175.25 /
laura
I can't tell what's worse: the death of the boy who pulled down his underwear in front of me in the first grade or feeling terrible every time I tell people about the first time I ever saw a penis.
2008-09-21 14:24:23 / Rating: 89.75 /
Kenshiro
I stopped believing in God the day that my neighbour claimed that Holy Mother Mary had appeared as a humidity spot on his bathroom wall and tried to charge me $2 to see it.
2008-09-21 14:21:23 / Rating: 145.75 /
We got away
Being in the 'haunted' condemned mental hospital was worth the concussion I received from the headfirst dive I made into the car after being spotted by the police.
2008-09-17 23:43:23 / Rating: 54.75 /
aunt d
When my 8-year-old niece came home from her friend's birthday party and assured me that she did not drink any beer, I knew something was very wrong with our culture.
2008-09-11 20:04:35 / Rating: 263.25 /
Lyv
It always brings a smile to my face when my dad tells large groups of strangers how he once cut himself on Jello.
2008-09-11 20:02:30 / Rating: 235.75 /
Taylor
I've never been as proud as I was when I sat down and honestly said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I HAVE been flossing."
2008-09-10 14:41:23 / Rating: 189.5 /
Thanks, Gustav!
201 electricity-free hours will make you reconsider ever buying frozen fish again.
2008-09-10 14:40:14 / Rating: 100.75 /
Alicia n Jeanne
Alicia said, "Feliz Navidad," to which Jeanne replied, "But you're Filipino, not Jewish."
2008-09-09 16:09:36 / Rating: 130.5 /
anon
Every time I have to ask what I did last night I feel like Sherlock Holmes.
2008-09-08 10:55:06 / Rating: 82.25 /
gofish
By putting the card table on the property line I had outwitted my parents punishment of "stay in the yard with no friends over."
2008-09-03 13:54:18 / Rating: 227.75 /
Basilisk
It was at that moment that I realized just how similar are the tastes of fresh fish and week old, unrefrigerated turkey.
2008-09-03 13:53:46 / Rating: 61.5 /
Unidentified Ethnicity
She tried to convert me to Christianity because I looked Jewish.
2008-08-27 16:21:32 / Rating: 186.75 /
Daddy
After finding out her grandfather was in the army, my daughter asked "Was he with the green guys or the tan guys?"
2008-08-27 14:57:30 / Rating: 108.5 /
A.D.
In Physics of Music class, I learned that a wave is defined as "a traveling disturbance" and I thought of my ex-boyfriend.
2008-08-27 14:55:54 / Rating: 258 /
Port Noir
It started an hour late because the first comic was a pothead who left the microphone at Taco Bell when he had a snack attack before the show.
2008-08-27 14:54:48 / Rating: 102 /
SilverMarc
How was I supposed to know what "cease and desist" meant?
2008-08-26 10:18:50 / Rating: 134.75 /
.
If you thought toilet paper on the back of your shoe was bad, try someone else's used pad.
2008-08-26 10:18:04 / Rating: 163 /
stupidlove
It's been four days, and I still don't know what I should have said to the pretty girl sitting next to me who said "Everybody likes good porn."
2008-08-26 10:17:26 / Rating: 300.25 /
A.D.
When I was little I thought the "f" word was "fart" because I wasn't allowed to say it.
2008-08-26 10:15:54 / Rating: 113 /
Talim
I found out, for some odd reason, my printer speaks in Spanish.
2008-08-26 10:15:05 / Rating: 79.5 /
JenZen
In one day I had convinced my grandfather I was old enough to drive his riding mower and ran over the new slide with the riding mower.
2008-08-22 17:37:21 / Rating: 60.75 /
Just another one
As I watched him squat off the rail road bridge with two of my friends holding his arms to keep him from falling into the river thirty feet below, I wondered how fast he'd be able to move with his pants around his ankles as I saw a train round the corner.
2008-08-22 17:31:58 / Rating: 83 /
MartyB
I told my eight-year-old daughter she could choose lemonade, lemonade or lemonade and she asked "What was the second one again?"
2008-08-22 13:56:40 / Rating: 290.25 /
Doritos
We met because he'd hit me in the back of the head with his trombone slide.
2008-08-18 14:58:13 / Rating: 150.5 /
Courtney
I took a huge bite of rice pudding only to realize that it was actually tartar sauce.
2008-08-14 20:37:55 / Rating: 256 /
Mr. Lucas Brice
I found out the reason the emails to my old friend bounced is because unbeknownst to me, Steven was now Janet.
2008-08-14 20:35:28 / Rating: 143 /
Eileen
I will never again give cucumbers from my garden as a gift to a man with erectile dysfunction.
2008-08-12 15:48:18 / Rating: 211.25 /
stupidlove
I took my wife's sluttiest panties with me to the Kentucky bar exam because they had always been lucky for me.
2008-08-12 15:04:21 / Rating: 175.75 /
Jay
I lied to them when I said I found my keys at the park because I didn't want to admit my own stupidity at having accidentally dropped them into my bag of carrots.
2008-08-12 15:03:04 / Rating: 101.25 /
KarmaRama
Two days after I berated my incompetent roommate for flooding the laundry room, I flooded the laundry room.
2008-08-12 14:54:49 / Rating: 196.25 /
Get Out Much?
An impatient check of the UPS online tracking center reveals that the package has been on my front porch for three days.
2008-08-11 16:29:57 / Rating: 268 /
Tom
I had to go to the hospital in the 7th grade after I fell off my bike because the sombrero I was wearing to block the sun blew off and I instinctively reached back to grab it and lost balance.
2008-08-11 15:42:34 / Rating: 80.75 /
xunshine
After we finished kissing, I laughed and said,"Can you please go brush your teeth?"
2008-08-07 15:14:06 / Rating: 72 /
LP
I think the best revenge I could possibly have pales in comparison to knowing your co-op board is about to stage an intervention about over how bad you smell.
2008-08-06 16:34:30 / Rating: 122 /
Kate
I know doctors hear it all, but how many other people fracture their hand while rapping on the wall to try to get the neighbors to stop having such loud sex?
2008-08-06 16:33:06 / Rating: 205 /
Waylon
"Well, I'm no gynecologist", I murmured into the phone, "But I'll come over and have a look."
2008-08-06 16:09:11 / Rating: 147.25 /
Leechard
I need a vacuum cleaner to clean out my vacuum cleaner.
2008-08-04 17:14:03 / Rating: 112.25 /
Connor
All I could think of as my friend sat naked next to me encouraging me to throw up was what a great One Sentence it would make.
2008-08-04 09:49:49 / Rating: 186 /
MADk
I imagine the people at Harvard gave my application the same look Mary received from the Israelites when she told them her new son, Jesus, was immaculately conceived.
2008-07-30 14:41:13 / Rating: 222.5 /
Bottoms Up
It figures: the one time I get a hot-looking nurse, it's for my colonoscopy.
2008-07-29 13:52:30 / Rating: 242.25 /
She deserved it.
I accidentally cut my finger open while slicing honeydew and bled on it, then licked the blood off, and served it to my mother-in-law.
2008-07-25 16:12:07 / Rating: 209.75 /
awkward
When my girlfriend and I were robbed, the cop asked if the red spots on my neck were from the fight.
2008-07-25 10:19:38 / Rating: 131 /
J
Did the nurse really have to laugh when my mom said her nine-year-old had dropped a toenail in his eye and we couldn't find it?
2008-07-22 12:23:17 / Rating: 130.25 /
Feenix
He sang to me as we danced in the fountain and later he caressed my cheek, stroked my neck, touched my adam's apple, and asked me if I was a man.
2008-07-21 16:12:16 / Rating: 246.25 /
Greg
When asked to donate a dollar to Lou Gehrig's Disease research (ALS), the customer replied, "No, I'm not a Yankees fan".
2008-07-21 16:04:03 / Rating: 145.5 /
Cara
I discovered in front of the entire store that gourmet dog biscuits look like, but do not taste like, people cookies.
2008-07-21 15:36:48 / Rating: 132 /
Aub
I think my dad realized I would never take out the garbage again when the trash bag he told me to pick up turned out to be a three-foot-long snake coiled up in a corner.
2008-07-21 15:36:15 / Rating: 134.25 /
felinefevah
I panicked, thinking my precious fluffy cat had a tumor, until I realized he just had a Cocoa Puff stuck to his ass.
2008-07-18 01:26:39 / Rating: 367 /
heather
I couldn't decide which was weirder: falling asleep next to a stack of unopened bank statements or waking up on top of a bunch of open ones.
2008-07-15 10:21:16 / Rating: 89 /
Emily
He was running towards me, calling my name, when all of the sudden he stopped and made a horrid face as he looked at his shoe.
2008-07-10 15:32:45 / Rating: 169 /
Emily
We got quite the looks at the hospital, walking around with her hands glued to my feet in wheelbarrow position.
2008-07-10 15:32:31 / Rating: 211.25 /
R
Yesterday, I got a black eye from a plastic hammer.
2008-07-10 15:31:22 / Rating: 101.75 /
Frog Kisser
I began to wonder what kind of vibe I was putting off when a guy gave me his number on a $20 bill, a married couple propositioned me, and I was set up with a porn star all in one week.
2008-07-09 17:38:21 / Rating: 199.5 /
Snafu Suz
As I dropped my spare change into his cup and heard a splash, I was horrified to realize he was not a homeless person begging for money but just a guy on the corner enjoying his coffee.
2008-07-09 00:01:01 / Rating: 417 /
Matt
When my wife's only comment to my former mistress was "Thanks for taking care of him while I was away," I knew that I would never again be unfaithful .
2008-07-08 23:59:56 / Rating: 165 /
Noa
The irony that I had taken a day off from my job collecting horse urine to go to the doctors and have to provide a urine sample did not escape me at all.
2008-07-07 13:57:05 / Rating: 120.75 /
Say Aaaahhhh
The vet and I laughed until we cried when my boyfriend almost fainted because she took his cat's temperature rectally.
2008-07-03 12:00:13 / Rating: 194 /
Lisa K. S.
I thought he was going to ask me for a dollar, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend I blurted, "No, can't you get it from somebody else?"
2008-07-01 15:13:13 / Rating: 417 /
TheArchimage
I knew I was going to fail the class when the professor pulled me aside and asked, "Do you have a learning disability I should know about?"
2008-07-01 15:12:30 / Rating: 255.25 /
Tin
The one-night-stand girl and I met again at an extended family reunion.
2008-07-01 15:10:46 / Rating: 391.5 /
sexuallyfrustrated
I couldn't stop staring at his crotch as we sorted concrete mixes in the lab.
2008-07-01 15:03:20 / Rating: 86.5 /
Melissa
I knew my boyfriend had finally been accepted into the family when my dad gave him a key to his garage.
2008-06-30 13:21:44 / Rating: 106.25 /
Erin
As I contemplated removing my birthmark, the woman in the dressing room said she used to have a birthmark just like that and then showed me the hideous scar that replaced it.
2008-06-27 14:54:57 / Rating: 167.5 /
Ekublai
It was only when my English professor started replacing the "said"s with "and was like"s in my assignments that I started to question the worth of my high school diploma.
2008-06-25 20:39:54 / Rating: 232.25 /
Peanut
The cop and I had a delightful conversation about sweaters and the weather and to this day he does not know that I was drunk and not even 17 yet.
2008-06-25 16:05:41 / Rating: 175.25 /
Eliot Scott
When I called my dad, crying, from journalism camp and told him I had no friends, he explained, "Well, Eliot, you're kind of a nerd."
2008-06-23 13:23:36 / Rating: 500.75 /
Stace
As a first year science teacher, I realised that parent-teacher interviews formed my best ever lessons in human genetics.
2008-06-23 09:47:30 / Rating: 208.75 /
Carissa
I don't care if your last name is a word for a genital condition, I still love every little thing about you.
2008-06-18 10:21:41 / Rating: 251 /
Charles
The moment the bears arrived we knew we had picked the worse of the two campsites.
2008-06-17 17:54:25 / Rating: 134.75 /
Sam W.
She realized I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.
2008-06-16 16:10:13 / Rating: 89 /
Corner Room
It's not until you live in a dorm room that shares a wall with a stairwell that you realize people are horrible at carrying things up and down steps.
2008-06-13 13:40:49 / Rating: 162.5 /
Elee
Walking home in the pouring rain was not the best time to discover a hole in my shoe.
2008-06-13 13:39:44 / Rating: 89.25 /
Rebel
I lost the ping-pong tournament to an exchange student who apparently has nothing better to do in his country.
2008-06-11 16:25:11 / Rating: 119.25 /
micaela
I would have never have met my true love if it weren't for my sudden desire to plant turnips.
2008-06-11 13:10:15 / Rating: 153.75 /
What are the odds?
I knew God had a sense of humor when I hesitantly answered the ringing K-Mart payphone, only to hear my best friend, who had misdialed my home phone number, on the other end.
2008-06-10 10:39:09 / Rating: 2004 /
-b
When the doctor told me I had strep throat, I knew it was time to confront my roommate about her illicit use of my toothbrush.
2008-06-09 12:16:57 / Rating: 122.75 /
C. Lee
As I sat in the stranger's van, clutching my knee, the only thing I managed to say was, "I am SO sorry for bleeding on you seat, ma'am."
2008-06-09 12:14:44 / Rating: 139.25 /
Techie
My friend had tears of joy in his eyes when he found out his locker number was 1337.
2008-06-09 12:09:06 / Rating: 495 /
Olivoi
It's a good thing the local news camera was only shooting from the chest up, because other than his tuxedo jacket, he was wearing fishnets, army boots, and not much else.
2008-06-06 17:11:35 / Rating: 125.5 /
lines
Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero.
2008-06-06 17:06:53 / Rating: 1146.75 /
tourguide
Whenever my campus tour groups ask about the library facilities, I am tempted to explain to them how exactly I know that the private study rooms are soundproof.
2008-06-06 17:05:53 / Rating: 257.25 /
averna
This morning, I found a spot on my washcloth that smelled like really good pot.
2008-06-06 17:03:12 / Rating: 104.5 /
Noodles
Carving my name into your arm with an old metal compass was probably not the best way to win my affection.
2008-06-04 10:02:39 / Rating: 118 /
Aj
My doctor told me i was 2 lbs. overweight and suggested I join Weight Watchers.
2008-06-03 15:36:47 / Rating: 119.75 /
Clsfd Kidd
I lit the gasoline-soaked, freshly-cut branches with a lighter that was about five feet too short.
2008-06-02 13:33:55 / Rating: 108 /
Oh the irony
Reading through the unapproved sentences yesterday, I was impressed with the emotional intensity and similarity I had with one of them, until I realized it was one of my own.
2008-05-30 10:09:50 / Rating: 188.5 /
Dfong
As the vomit crawled up my throat I suddenly realized I was holding the barf bag upside down.
2008-05-30 10:06:48 / Rating: 143.75 /
Maggie
I used to want to be a writer when I grew up, until I learned the word "poverty."
2008-05-28 15:56:22 / Rating: 121.75 /
Tomatoes
I crashed my friend's car on a sandwich run and to top it off, I brought him back the wrong sandwich.
2008-05-27 10:11:19 / Rating: 258.75 /
Cupcake
She realized her sleeping habits were going to change when the crack heads at the clinic next door smoked their cigarettes and chattered loudly at 5:45 AM for the 4th day in a row.
2008-05-23 11:16:53 / Rating: 102.75 /
That Mom
Would it be wrong to make my husband wear a bib?
2008-05-23 11:12:25 / Rating: 93.5 /
callmejackieo
We were going to stay up all night recording experimental music on his computer like John and Yoko, but then his mom came in and told us it was time for him to go to bed.
2008-05-21 09:36:07 / Rating: 134 /
PHDrillSergeant
There is no odder combination of items at the grocery store than a jar of Vaseline and a single cucumber.
2008-05-21 09:34:51 / Rating: 203.5 /
Cam
My neighbor just found out that I get dressed with the blinds open.
2008-05-21 09:33:33 / Rating: 132.25 /
Mary
We thought my dog had a tick and tried "smoking it out" with a hot match only to discover it was her nipple.
2008-05-14 13:56:41 / Rating: 258.75 /
Rudy
Yesterday my five year old told me that he found out at school that Heaven is full of dead people.
2008-05-13 12:03:10 / Rating: 245.75 /