Xan
It felt better to throw up two pounds of ice cream than it did to shovel it down.
2012-01-30 09:40:01 / Rating: 31.75 / 
Story archives - tag: "humor"
Silent Red
When I was little, my aunt sent a clown with a balloon bouquet to my hospital room to cheer me up, and after the clown saw me, my mom had to spend an hour trying to get him to stop crying.
2012-01-05 11:23:01 / Rating: 172.25 /
Sarah K
I spent new years eve rolling quarters with my mom while my dad was in the hospital for a glorified case of indigestion.
2012-01-05 11:16:56 / Rating: 46.5 /
Geek
I went to college to discover things about myself, not expecting to discover that I was lactose intolerant.
2012-01-03 13:46:29 / Rating: 60.25 /
MLH
I went to college to discover things about myself, not expecting to discover that I was lactose intolerant.
2011-11-20 10:45:35 / Rating: 123.75 /
J
I was on my third glass of whiskey when the stray cat I let in out of the rain began giving birth to kittens on my couch.
2011-11-11 15:10:16 / Rating: 356.75 /
Lucas Moore
When our Mayan tour guide took us off the trail and into the forest to see something unique, I wasn't expecting to see a four foot stone penis sculpture.
2011-11-02 10:08:28 / Rating: 142 /
Gidget
I had a dead squirrel in one hand, a screaming child in the other, soon replaced with cake, and then I realized my life had taken an odd turn.
2011-10-18 16:27:38 / Rating: 86.75 /
Lindsey
A few miles outside of Manhattan, my father carried a collapsible lawn chair to the lower level of Macys at the Queens Center Mall.
2011-10-13 23:04:05 / Rating: 72.25 /
Megan
I just walked in on my mom and neighbor smoking pot and felt so uncool.
2011-09-30 09:27:06 / Rating: 144.75 /
Megan
Today I had to break into my own home.
2011-09-16 12:57:59 / Rating: 157.5 /
Phoenix
That night ended eventfully with one traumatized dog, two irritated parents, one hormonal crying teenager, and hundreds of gallons of water down the drain, but it's okay because my dog no longer has poop all over his body.
2011-08-29 08:15:13 / Rating: 180 /
Indene
I thought that she had said "Please take off your shirt", when the Russian neurologist had really said "Please take off your shoes".
2011-08-20 08:26:22 / Rating: 216.75 /
I See Grandma
I was excited to climb out and meet her, but the window glass wasn't.
2011-08-10 17:48:42 / Rating: 216.75 /
Spiralling
Today I used a letter from the debt collector's office as proof of residence, in order to collect my new credit card.
2011-08-04 10:57:03 / Rating: 281.5 /
Jackie
When I was little my older brother convinced me that if I never farted I would blow up at the age of 34.
2011-07-20 11:57:24 / Rating: 326.5 /
becks
My mom thought I was pregnant when I sat down to talk with her, then gave a sigh of relief when I told her I'm gay.
2011-07-15 10:31:23 / Rating: 456.75 /
Lily
My dramatic exit was slightly diminished when I followed the door slam with "YUCK FOU."
2011-07-08 09:53:38 / Rating: 398.5 /
last connection
Sheltered from the hot sun, the woman cradled the little dog in her arms while her child crawled away from her, only connected by the child harness.
2011-06-30 16:16:56 / Rating: 304.5 /
Mims
While my classmate's very Christian parents were fighting to ban Huckleberry Finn in English class for its profanity, my mom bought me a fictional book for my birthday detailing the lives of Japanese hookers and proceeded to think nothing of it.
2011-06-30 16:15:53 / Rating: 359.75 /
John Pappas
At my friend's bachelor party in Las Vegas, O.J. Simpson turned around to me at the bar we were at and said, "Tell your friend not to do it."
2011-06-26 16:16:56 / Rating: 279.25 /
Gazelle
The entire film shoot was a disaster, except for that one day when a bunch of crackheads led us to the largest porn collection in New England.
2011-06-16 10:11:59 / Rating: 208.25 /
Axel
As a stripper, I never guessed we would be debating the preparation of ramen noodles in the private dance room.
2011-06-02 14:18:09 / Rating: 340.5 /
Lorraine Rafols
I caught my 3-year old son doodling on the screen of the new LED TV when he uttered his first complete sentence of, "Draw only on paper mommy?"
2011-06-02 14:17:22 / Rating: 327.5 /
... it's called a "corsage".
He inadvertently showed up with a croissant on prom night, and trying to keep with tradition, asked to tie it to his giggling date’s wrist.
2011-05-17 10:36:27 / Rating: 503.25 /
Oops
Never again will I reply to a work email with "regards" because the letter g and t are too close together.
2011-05-12 09:30:29 / Rating: 658.25 /
Sm.
I realized my mother was a bit outdated the moment she asked the poor farm store boy if he had any "nice, healthy cocks."
2011-05-11 15:48:57 / Rating: 386 /
Not a VIP
I just today realized that you had to pay admission to the art museum after years of my father telling me to walk right in and avoid the people in the uniforms.
2011-05-09 13:56:43 / Rating: 510.25 /
Becky
The first thing he said when he woke up from his coma was, "Did I miss the election result?"
2011-05-06 15:13:48 / Rating: 304.5 /
Indene
He asked me if he could walk me to my door and I said "Oh god, I'm so sorry, are we on a date?"
2011-04-22 14:14:25 / Rating: 470.75 /
sushi519
All I remember was short men dressed as Oompa Loompas dancing around a candy table.
2011-04-18 15:27:07 / Rating: 208.5 /
Not a Smooth Operator
When she popped in the Al Green CD I assumed she was giving me the green light, but after I kissed her she broke the news that she had a boyfriend.
2011-04-12 09:01:19 / Rating: 223.5 /
Indene
When my son was 5, he cried so hard when I told him he would one day die, but he cried much harder when I told him he'd be in school until he was 18.
2011-04-04 12:33:01 / Rating: 520.5 /
Little Sister
When my brother was eight years old, he walked into his speech therapist's office and told her, "I don't need your help anymore, I can speak just fine" in clear English.
2011-04-04 12:31:11 / Rating: 289.5 /
Lex
It was when my schizophrenic patient gave me a diamond ring for Christmas that I realized my friends were right all those years when they called me "flirty."
2011-03-30 15:45:24 / Rating: 302.5 /
jaclyncourtney
I'm racking my brain, trying to think if I've ever given him any indication that it's OK to poop in the backyard.
2011-03-17 14:50:52 / Rating: 390.75 /
titanic
My grandmother asked me what my favourite part of "Titanic" was when we saw it at the movies when I was 6, and I replied, 'When everyone fell asleep in their floaties.'
2011-03-14 13:09:17 / Rating: 349.5 /
Indene
When I was a baby, my mother sucked the equivalent of half an ear of corn out of my nose with a bulb syringe.
2011-03-09 11:12:32 / Rating: 226.5 /
Clueless
It was only on the drive home that I realized that the woman I was trying to woo held the handshake just a little too long.
2011-03-09 10:48:30 / Rating: 259.75 /
ironic, huh?
My therapist thinks I should become a therapist.
2011-03-04 09:53:47 / Rating: 416 /
The oldest
My mother accidentally forgot my birth certificate for identification purposes and the rest of my family got on that plane to Jamaica, leaving me behind.
2011-02-24 13:14:59 / Rating: 277.5 /
Traumatized
My pantleg got sucked into an escalator when I was 18 months old, and at 21, I still hesitate for a second before stepping onto the moving stairs.
2011-02-22 14:08:31 / Rating: 279 /
Sad Stumbling
In my over zealous rush to impress the hot blond in PE class, I foolishly paired up with my most uncoordinated friend for the two man potato sack race.
2011-02-15 13:42:53 / Rating: 283.5 /
Jacob Mc
It was only until after we had pooled our money together and bought 250 of them, that we realized Cadbury Eggs are an Easter candy, not a Valentine's Day one.
2011-02-14 13:14:25 / Rating: 299 /
Finn
Speaking English as a second language caused my father to mix up words and promptly apologize to a full lecture hall about being so constipated he could barely speak.
2011-02-10 15:09:51 / Rating: 388.25 /
Casey
"Don't worry, there isn't a fine associated with this citation," the officer said, "just a $25 processing fee."
2011-02-08 20:36:14 / Rating: 260.5 /
StuckAtHome
UPS called to notify me that the chains for my tires to get me through the ice storm would not be delivered yet due to adverse weather conditions.
2011-02-01 10:49:27 / Rating: 399.5 /
Joe
In the kitchen cutlery aisle, we smiled politely at the little old lady who leaned in close to tell us 'you can never have too many knives'.
2011-01-31 13:14:26 / Rating: 375.25 /
xioc1138
I got an email from a client this morning telling me that they had no internet access.
2011-01-26 13:24:03 / Rating: 369.5 /
Not awkward
"Let's all be naked when he gets back in the car" was the best idea he's ever had.
2011-01-26 11:52:45 / Rating: 448.25 /
Aria
I couldn't understand why they all laughed at me when I suggested that Morse Code should be put on doors for blind people.
2011-01-25 08:58:02 / Rating: 218 /
Barbie
It really was a logical question when my 4 year old son asked, "If there is a Godzilla, is there a Jesuszilla?"
2011-01-24 12:19:42 / Rating: 642.75 /
Embarrassed, but somehow charmed
"I wrote a poem for you," he said, then proceeded to read "Ode to your cleavage."
2011-01-21 19:21:51 / Rating: 390 /
Me
Someone who will spend five dollars to mail you an unpackaged banana is someone who deserves to stay in your life for a while, if only to make it a bit more interesting.
2011-01-21 19:21:38 / Rating: 409 /
John Smith
I honestly had no idea that it was my girlfriend's mom in the car behind me when I flipped her off.
2011-01-21 19:20:12 / Rating: 246.5 /
Brian R.
The pee was on the seat when I got there, but telling you this in passing has been a major setback in me getting your phone number tonight.
2011-01-14 13:18:21 / Rating: 242.75 /
Yods
Sitting next to my stepdad as I watched the trailer for a movie about a killer stepdad, we laughed, and I realized how much I lucked out.
2011-01-14 13:17:36 / Rating: 305.5 /
SweaterSleeve
My mother cooked our Thanksgiving dinner on the kitchen counter that I sat on butt-naked, last night, as my tea brewed.
2011-01-14 12:33:40 / Rating: 263 /
jaclyncourtney
I pulled on the strange red cord hanging in the handicapped stall in the London hotel bathroom, and figured out what it was for moments later when a frantic employee rushed in, calling, "Are you all right?"
2011-01-06 16:35:43 / Rating: 284.5 /
Theatre Girl
I was mildly interested to realize that, in a theatre camp group having two male instructors, two male counselors, and two female counselors, there was not a person among us who liked women.
2011-01-06 16:35:34 / Rating: 289.25 /
N.W.B.
My mother says she doesn't know why is marijuana such a problem, because for her it's just a "relaxing herb."
2011-01-06 16:32:35 / Rating: 310 /
Peter Licari
Frankly, it's awkward when you find out the "random jerk" who rear-ended your new car two hours ago is also your new girlfriend's father.
2011-01-06 09:42:55 / Rating: 273.25 /
That Guy
The sign said "Out of order," but I really had to pee.
2011-01-04 09:36:47 / Rating: 261.75 /
Tali
There is no classy way to ask the dentist for his phone number.
2011-01-04 09:36:27 / Rating: 295.25 /
Ha. Sorry.
It wasn't until my teacher didn't show up for class that I realized I should've woken him up before leaving his apartment that morning.
2011-01-04 09:34:01 / Rating: 779.75 /
btd
My mom hides my Christmas presents better than she hides her sex toys.
2010-12-23 13:52:41 / Rating: 593.25 /
Libby Lepellier
I took the last clean fork and the last clean spoon and ate the last of the Top Ramen on the last day of the week, the last day of school before vacation.
2010-12-19 22:22:48 / Rating: 244.5 /
Mr. Romance
It wasn't until she pulled out her homework that I realized that we were not actually on a date.
2010-12-06 15:09:41 / Rating: 560 /
boop
I asked her the time, and she said "No sweetie, it's Tuesday."
2010-12-06 15:09:26 / Rating: 231.5 /
Brooke
Even before getting completely stoned with my dad, uncle, and cousins that Thanksgiving, I knew I had the best family on earth.
2010-12-06 13:29:23 / Rating: 437.25 /
zerofourfiveone
I may regret sleeping with him, but I still think that it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard when he said he was taking Computational Origami.
2010-11-22 15:58:57 / Rating: 402.25 /
Pola Von Slouch
I was looking for a new and funky hairstyle and thought I found one on google images until I realised that when I clicked on it, it took me to a 'White Pride' website, and now I'm seriously questioning my taste in hairstyles.
2010-11-22 15:54:47 / Rating: 350.25 /
Sammi
My British boyfriend broke up with me after months of refusing to spell color with a u.
2010-11-22 15:54:05 / Rating: 503.75 /
Wren
Six o'clock in the morning found me staring at my bra and wondering just how I was going to put it on without taking off my hoodie and exposing my flesh to the frigid winter air.
2010-11-18 10:36:27 / Rating: 459.25 /
subject
While six months pregnant and sitting in a full doctor's waiting room, the four-year-old I was babysitting declared in her loudest voice, "Your BOOBIES are getting bigger!"
2010-11-16 11:57:52 / Rating: 351.25 /
L
Hopefully, my streak of having to call 911 on Thanksgiving will not continue this year.
2010-11-15 12:56:06 / Rating: 291 /
Bree
When I came home my daughter ran up to me and said, "Grandma taught me to burp the alphabet!".
2010-11-12 14:59:41 / Rating: 393.75 /
Megan
The man I love proposed to me whilst hanging upside-down from a tree.
2010-11-11 13:21:36 / Rating: 649.75 /
Greg
Clicking "publish" on that article about toilet paper convinced me that being an editor is terrible for my soul.
2010-11-04 12:21:00 / Rating: 232.5 /
NotUpInHurr
Three years ago, I was so ecstatic to be playing with the less talented, B-team football players that I broke my hip on the third play of the game.
2010-11-01 14:28:23 / Rating: 174.5 /
CJC
When I was 4, I thought my dad's mace/pepper-spray mix was breath spray.
2010-10-27 10:39:42 / Rating: 172 /
Denzel
I was hastily packed, and we were off to Argentina - but first, my father fell off the roof and landed directly on our potted cactus.
2010-10-27 10:38:49 / Rating: 186.5 /
Color N'dLines
I knew she was a true friend after we held hands under the stalls and peed together.
2010-10-27 10:06:39 / Rating: 205.75 /
Less Popular
I felt so happy to see "16 new notifications" on Facebook before I realized that I was logged in as my dad.
2010-10-27 10:06:04 / Rating: 300.75 /
Amused
I'll never forget the expression on the cashier's face as I bought laxatives and Immodium together.
2010-10-07 16:16:51 / Rating: 205 /
Kristen
Although my parents and the police had spent three frantic hours looking for me, my mother had the presence of mind to take a photograph when they found me fast asleep under my bed.
2010-09-23 13:36:39 / Rating: 334.25 /
A mystery
To this day, I still have no idea what happened to my favorite bra.
2010-09-22 14:23:04 / Rating: 218 /
Angie
My mom joked, "Tell the interviewer, 'I love children, especially with noodles!'"
2010-09-16 14:26:04 / Rating: 277 /
Jordan
Water Aerobics: 30% working out 70% floating around gossiping.
2010-09-09 08:28:16 / Rating: 324.75 /
Jacque Lynn Schiller, summer, 2010
Darling Nikki was probably not the best song choice for family karaoke, Christmas, 1984.
2010-09-09 08:25:06 / Rating: 212.5 /
Michael
My dad couldn't remember what type of animal was on the hood ornament of a Jaguar.
2010-08-31 12:14:35 / Rating: 321.25 /
7Mondays
The funny looks from my wife and the lack of morning traffic on the way to work should have clued me in, but it wasn't until I saw the empty parking out that I realized it was Saturday.
2010-08-31 12:12:39 / Rating: 291.75 /
NRLZ
I asked if I was alive when my younger brother was born.
2010-08-17 14:33:50 / Rating: 266.5 /
Ali
He looked at me with the most serious face and said "Ali, I'm about to tell you something very important, no matter how good it smells, NEVER try eating shampoo".
2010-08-17 10:40:06 / Rating: 385.5 /
Anonymous
As I sat curled up in his arms, I couldn't help but laugh when this cute scrawny boy said, "Don't worry, I won't seduce you."
2010-08-10 16:50:46 / Rating: 488 /
Nicole
Shortly after telling us we needed to lose weight, my grandma was offended that we didn't want all three desserts she had prepared.
2010-08-05 12:24:14 / Rating: 466.75 /
Voxygen
I was annoyed at the old man in front of me as he drove 10 mph under the speed limit, but then I saw the cop hiding around the corner.
2010-08-05 12:22:18 / Rating: 267.5 /
Judged
The look on her face was priceless when I bought whipped cream and a pregnancy test at the same time.
2010-07-28 15:52:15 / Rating: 238.75 /
coach
I once gave a report for my writing class in which I explained how Alanis Morrissette's song Ironic used Irony incorrectly as a way of explaining irony, which I thought was in itself ironic.
2010-07-28 14:55:06 / Rating: 468 /
Hello there
The dog was cute, but her owner was even cuter.
2010-07-21 14:29:15 / Rating: 270.25 /
Kyt
No one believes me when I tell them my boyfriend's mom broke her foot playing solitaire, even though its completely true.
2010-07-21 14:25:40 / Rating: 247.25 /
LeAnna
At the age of eight, I learned the valuable lesson of not looking into a tube of super glue as you squeeze it.
2010-07-21 14:19:50 / Rating: 271.5 /
Rebecc
I heard a sharp cry and opened the door to see a Rottweiler cowering in the corner and my five pound cat standing triumphant.
2010-07-19 16:00:57 / Rating: 429.75 /
Becky
In much the same way a matchmaking mother might say, "He's a nice Jewish boy, and he's a doctor," I said, "He's an atheist, and he juggles!"
2010-07-19 15:58:47 / Rating: 428 /
Kiddo
When I came out to my dad, he was majorly pissed that I had found a loophole in the "No boys 'till you're 27" rule.
2010-07-14 09:25:06 / Rating: 829.75 /
Isis
Nothing will change your daily routine faster than moving into a volunteer commune with 300 people and 3 outdoor, unheated showers.
2010-07-09 14:18:37 / Rating: 206.5 /
Holly
I broke the toilet seat cover on an airplane because I was trying to flush by pushing the handle down with my foot and my foot slipped, came down on the cover, shattering its hinges.
2010-07-06 13:46:35 / Rating: 198 /
OnlyInMaine
Honest to Pete, he was weedwacking with a chainsaw and picking his nose, shirtless.
2010-06-25 11:14:52 / Rating: 315.5 /
Isis
I gave up on trying to compete with my brother the day he actually became a rocket scientist.
2010-06-21 14:05:06 / Rating: 792.25 /
Oliver's Army
Imagine my embarrassment, when losing patience with the deli woman's consistently nodding 'No' to my food orders, when I discovered she had Parkinson's.
2010-06-18 14:41:46 / Rating: 201.25 /
r.i.p. Cinnamon
The day my beloved cat died, my best friend asked me, "Well, did he leave you something in the will?" and my day was a whole lot better.
2010-06-08 12:09:17 / Rating: 492.25 /
miss milwaukee's nameless
In his pocket he had a condom, a condom wraper, two broken pens, his mother's pink iPod, a lighter, and a broken cigarette, but no keys.
2010-06-08 12:03:05 / Rating: 219.25 /
Jane Doe
When I found out I didn't know his real name four months into dating, I knew it probably wasn't going to work out.
2010-06-08 11:42:38 / Rating: 289.5 /
J
As my mom drove away, after backing into the corner of our fenced in yard with our 15-passenger van, she yelled at us, "FIX THE FENCE!"
2010-06-08 11:42:09 / Rating: 295 /
Slim
After surfing dozens of porn sites and downloading thousands of songs illegally, I finally got a virus on my laptop from a website containing quotes from the Bible.
2010-05-24 15:27:24 / Rating: 989.25 /
VM
My brother cried and quoted a Barbara Streisand song the day he called to tell me he'd accepted my sexuality.
2010-05-24 15:24:23 / Rating: 398 /
G
As I heard "maybe we should just be friends" for the 14th time in 4 years I began to think my current approach wasn't working.
2010-05-18 16:03:14 / Rating: 358.25 /
alynn.
When my boyfriend's 7-year-old sister whispered into my ear that she "wanted an innocent boy, not someone who gets arrested" I knew she would turn out okay after all.
2010-05-17 14:43:02 / Rating: 332.25 /
backedup
I worked 8 hours today stocking a store, complete with lifting, bending, stretching, only to throw out my back while flushing the toilet at home.
2010-05-11 14:40:03 / Rating: 356 /
really, I'm happy with two
When I was pregnant I used to think feeling the baby move was gas, but now whenever I have gas I think I'm pregnant.
2010-05-07 16:01:05 / Rating: 380.5 /
nek
My aunt taught me to drive in the cemetery because "I couldn't hurt anyone in there."
2010-05-07 15:55:45 / Rating: 689.25 /
BK
A 5'2" mother becomes a very imposing figure when angered while holding a vegetable knife.
2010-05-07 15:53:04 / Rating: 289.25 /
fisher
Until that day, I never quite understood the feelings of the author of the onesentence that read, "The spare was flat, too."
2010-05-07 15:51:10 / Rating: 340.25 /
Overheard
Over the sound of my neighbor vomiting, I heard his friend tell him, "Hey, to help you throw up more, picture venereal diseases!"
2010-05-06 15:09:31 / Rating: 244.25 /
Accidental fugitive
Upon seeing the university police stroll into my apartment looking for me for the third time in as many months, I decided that I was in fact ready to graduate.
2010-05-06 15:03:20 / Rating: 242.5 /
365 Brand New Days
One Halloween when I was little, before I knew any dirty words, my family dressed my puppy up in a skeleton costume so I called him a "boner."
2010-05-05 14:31:01 / Rating: 380 /
Scarlet
"Look at all the stars!", I said in awe, to which he replied, as he peed in the bushes, "Where?"
2010-04-15 15:23:05 / Rating: 361.5 /
Lightning
While watching my brother-in-law use my childhood Bible to roll a joint, I realized we are probably going to hell.
2010-04-14 16:38:15 / Rating: 589.75 /
Nom de Plume
After the third fire alarm of the week, we stopped evacuating the building, because we figured the cold outside would probably kill us faster than the little infernos in the cafeteria downstairs.
2010-04-13 14:42:32 / Rating: 237.75 /
Fossil!
I hit a born-again Christian with a fossil and was later informed I needed to credit a comedian for that moment in my life.
2010-04-13 14:38:54 / Rating: 268.25 /
Mrs. T
After falling out of the shower and bashing my head on the toilet, I realized that the shower is, in fact, NOT the best place to try and learn the "Running Man" dance.
2010-04-13 14:11:57 / Rating: 469.75 /
Hard Head
In a fit of rage I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and yanked him down so I could look him square in the eye, only to accidentally slam our heads together and knock us both out briefly.
2010-04-09 15:09:57 / Rating: 311 /
MWS
I never thought that one day I would come home to a fire truck in my drive way and my dad valiantly dousing the trees with a hose after our burn pile shifted to the woods, but it has made an excellent dinner story at every family gathering since.
2010-04-02 11:23:55 / Rating: 202.25 /
Crazy
I'll never forget the day my mom turned to me out of the blue and informed me, "When I die, I want everyone to dress as clowns at my funeral."
2010-03-23 16:14:06 / Rating: 622.75 /
C
If you you drink too much and ask your sorority sister to kiss you, they will never let you forget it, even if you can't remember it.
2010-03-19 09:52:20 / Rating: 269.25 /
Cory
I will admit I defiled the tradition and sacredness of Mustache March by shaving mine off.
2010-03-19 09:52:06 / Rating: 244.75 /
snakey
I knew he was the one to keep when our second date, during which I accidentally gave him a facial scar with my teeth, was not the last.
2010-03-13 22:20:33 / Rating: 222.75 /
pat
This morning, my dad was doing the laundry and my stepmom was fixing the pipes.
2010-03-11 16:15:50 / Rating: 387.5 /
for real though?
I curled up in bed after my shower, naked as the day I was born, not expecting the fire alarm to go off at 4 am in my co-ed dorm.
2010-03-11 16:13:41 / Rating: 259.75 /
myfairmaybe
When he told his four-year-old daughter that the doctor just needed to look at her eyes to make sure they were okay, she whispered, "Will he put them back in when he's done looking at them?"
2010-03-05 14:15:31 / Rating: 603 /
ShyGuy
Right before the janitor turned the lights in the classroom on, we feigned sleep thinking she wouldn't know we were making out.
2010-03-04 15:59:38 / Rating: 210.5 /
Maddy
It wasn't until after I discovered the 3D glasses from "Avatar" still in my purse that I realized I had accidentally dropped my $40 sunglasses into the recycling bin instead.
2010-03-03 10:35:59 / Rating: 470.25 /
Rook
While my mother and her boyfriend were upstairs I quietly removed his size 34 jacket from the back of the chair and replaced it with my nearly identical size 46.
2010-03-03 10:34:32 / Rating: 217 /
Contaminated
The day I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder was the day I chased my best friend down the street with a butterfly knife.
2010-03-02 13:30:58 / Rating: 264 /
A blonde moment
Attempting to blow out a candle with Listerine in my mouth was a bad idea.
2010-02-17 16:01:48 / Rating: 341 /
Minty fresh.
I experienced the concequences of failing to label the tupparware tubs containing both toothpaste and sunblock.
2010-02-09 12:26:45 / Rating: 242 /
When English teachers go bad
I used to demand a new world order in flawless iambic pentameter, but now I'd settle for one in sixteen-syllable haiku.
2010-02-09 12:24:36 / Rating: 308.5 /
Naked Cookie Monster
I just wanted a cookie from the top shelf that morning in 1979, but ended up with a dislocated knee, a broken arm and a rusty nail through my penis.
2010-02-09 12:23:55 / Rating: 494.25 /
Wofford
Thanks to my brother, you'll no longer get detention for having blue hair.
2010-02-01 11:21:40 / Rating: 387 /
thumpersrock
When I came home late and found the lawnmower in my bed, I realized my dad wasn't kidding when he said he wanted the grass mowed "today."
2010-01-27 09:32:14 / Rating: 607.25 /
Caught with my pants down
Discovering that window washers do still exist and discovering that I had no idea where my pants were happened at the exact same moment.
2010-01-22 09:14:14 / Rating: 445.75 /
kristi
Today my son not only discovered that he can avoid taking a nap by climbing out of the crib, but also, if he is extra quite and doesn't wake up mommy, he can climb the fridge to eat the rest of the Christmas candy.
2010-01-19 15:34:32 / Rating: 215.25 /
Someone
I said no to the coffee but yes to the date.
2010-01-18 17:15:32 / Rating: 296.75 /
LadyJame
That's when I looked down and realized my fake nail had somehow caught fire, and no one was around to witness it but my fish.
2010-01-14 11:09:41 / Rating: 371 /
Chrinda Jones
As the door to the Taco Bell restroom came crashing over top of me, all I could think to say to him was "I said I'd be out in a minute."
2010-01-13 13:30:19 / Rating: 220 /
kbh101
I realized the crumbled bit of pill left over resembled a cookie, and laughed out loud at the image of the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street gobbling up Lorazepam.
2010-01-11 16:07:31 / Rating: 195 /
Red Nails
Fast-drying nail varnish doesn't seem like such a great idea when it's splattered all over the leather sofa.
2010-01-11 16:06:47 / Rating: 213.25 /
Bean
The thing about dropping your toothbrush in a toilet is that you only get one toothbrush at boot camp.
2010-01-07 16:03:46 / Rating: 333.75 /
thon
After one look into his bloodshot eyes, I instantly regretted not tipping the pizza delivery boy in weed.
2010-01-05 15:44:22 / Rating: 333.5 /
Phaky
Someone had a piano that was broken, and someone else had a bunch of land, so that inevitably led to a very well-attended piano burning party late one night.
2010-01-05 15:42:37 / Rating: 389.5 /
Slab
You know it is time to clean out your garage when you find a box of live kittens in it.
2010-01-04 12:00:54 / Rating: 493.25 /
thelorax
She mis-dialed my number and ended up talking to a very excited 5 year old with the same name.
2009-12-30 09:07:56 / Rating: 361.5 /
S. Wofford
She confessed afterwards that she had never seen a real life spit-take until she had dinner with my family.
2009-12-28 15:26:00 / Rating: 239.5 /
IT Guy
Sick of having Outlook tell me my Dell Optiplex was a potpie, I added it to the dictionary.
2009-12-28 15:25:12 / Rating: 291.75 /
Miss not Mrs
As he gently caressed me his video game shouted out, "HOSTILE CONTACT!"
2009-12-15 22:37:06 / Rating: 656.25 /
Lauren NM.
While studying for the SATs my friend became so frustrated she pulled a knife and stabbed our study book.
2009-12-15 22:35:06 / Rating: 410.25 /
I couldn't help but smile as my third grader threw the ball through the hoop and yelled, ''Touchdown!''
2009-12-15 22:34:47 / Rating: 345.5 /
Will
Only after stepping on a lego in the middle of the night and ignoring the pain in order not to wake up the little princess I was carrying to bed did I realize that I was really a dad and not just a father.
2009-12-07 16:51:40 / Rating: 1210.25 /
Miss Delaney
In the middle of my fifth winter, I slipped and fell and cracked my head open on a set of cement stairs because I thought the paint on the railings was wet.
2009-12-04 08:58:15 / Rating: 250.25 /
truefriends
Good friends cover your naked ass when you throw your back out while in the shower, but best friends laugh hysterically and make grandma jokes first.
2009-12-04 08:53:07 / Rating: 470.5 /
Malia
To her credit, she didn't eat the one that fell on the floor.
2009-11-30 13:01:38 / Rating: 193.75 /
Rinse... not shampoo
Standing naked in a shower, in a foreign land, I realized I bought conditioner, not shampoo, AGAIN.
2009-11-30 12:55:56 / Rating: 383.75 /
Ok fine, her name doesn't actually have the comma and exclamation mark in it...
My sister's name backwards is "Ah, Satan!"
2009-11-23 16:40:06 / Rating: 556.75 /
Rhyun
The first time I ever shaved, my dad said, "Be careful, the razors are razor-sharp."
2009-11-23 16:38:45 / Rating: 329 /
DBW
On my coming out to my mother, she told the whole family, adding that if they had a problem with it, she would have no problem burying them, dead or alive.
2009-11-19 09:48:37 / Rating: 3662 /
Jim Panzee
It was only when we started using webcams for phone conferencing at work that I learned how to yawn without opening my mouth.
2009-11-10 09:24:17 / Rating: 375.5 /
Bored of Boredom
I was already halfway through the mustard-on-a-bun when I realized I forgot to put the hotdog on it.
2009-11-10 09:22:24 / Rating: 301 /
crash and boom
Narrowly avoiding being hit by the car, I yelled, "Hey, this is a one-way street!" and he yelled back, "I am only going one way!"
2009-11-06 14:29:39 / Rating: 424 /
miss milwaukee's nameless
While trick-or-treating, my four-year-old nephew received a plastic baggy full of dirty pennies.
2009-11-06 14:13:17 / Rating: 177.5 /
Ewww
I got written up for being insubordinate for refusing to pick up the dead beaver carcass.
2009-11-02 14:42:35 / Rating: 196 /
S.
I prayed that when she returned from the ladies room she'd be too drunk to notice that I had abandoned not only her, but also her purse.
2009-10-27 14:09:48 / Rating: 172.5 /
Alex
And then her grandmother walked in and just started laughing!
2009-10-27 12:38:34 / Rating: 262 /
S
My mother stopped buying me Barbies when I was a child after she found them hanging by their necks from the stairwell.
2009-10-26 13:10:46 / Rating: 263.5 /
Kimberley
I ate a baked potato like an apple, because I was too lazy to go downstairs for a fork.
2009-10-22 20:46:29 / Rating: 317.75 /
Azkescapee
After playing dollhouse with my goldfish for the fourth time, my mother finally decided to buy me a hamster.
2009-10-19 14:49:04 / Rating: 234.75 /
Ceara
My english teacher said if we got enough sentences published we could count it as our midterm.
2009-10-19 14:05:28 / Rating: 379.75 /
Lauren
I know he had fun because he yelled "SHAM-WOW!" at the end.
2009-10-15 20:12:34 / Rating: 227 /
Lauren
It was probably inappropriate to laugh when the preacher tripped over the alterboy.
2009-10-15 20:12:07 / Rating: 389.75 /
HumbleMan
How was I supposed to explain to my co-workers that the wet spots on my pants were caused by a mosquito flying all around the urinal?
2009-10-12 12:03:37 / Rating: 237.5 /
Trish
Mom unknowingly ate the mushroom chocolates I left in the fridge after the music festival.
2009-10-12 12:03:22 / Rating: 386 /
J.R.
I once cut my friend's hair for free, but he complained so much during the haircut that I shaved letters into the side of his head.
2009-10-12 12:03:14 / Rating: 180.75 /
Deedee Knickerbocker
Nothing is more awkwardly fulfilling than having a child prefer you over their own mother.
2009-10-12 12:00:08 / Rating: 425.25 /
iPanda
I should have known he was bad news when he told me he used to pour milk in his bed and sleep in it.
2009-10-12 11:59:03 / Rating: 269.75 /
Elayne
I remember fighting with my sisters over who would make what breakfast item, when my mother finally had it and yelled "You make the grits and I'll cut the cheese!"
2009-10-06 20:34:33 / Rating: 238.5 /
david
I wasn't even drunk when I pushed the liquor store's shopping cart into the night manager's car.
2009-10-06 20:32:06 / Rating: 188.5 /
Mmmhhm
After I circled B for the tenth time, I had to wonder if I was getting all the answers wrong or if my teacher had a sick sense of humor.
2009-09-24 15:33:22 / Rating: 799.75 /
Backseat, windows up...
It wasn't until I looked on the floor in the backseat of my car that I realized my lacy black thong was still on the floor from two nights ago.
2009-09-22 13:09:21 / Rating: 258.25 /
cg
On my very first camping trip, I learned that if I drop a dead caterpillar in my mom's coffee, she will not only not get mad at me, but she will also still drink the coffee.
2009-09-21 11:54:58 / Rating: 356.25 /
Not Meant For Apartment Living
My neighbor just casually returned two pairs of panties that I'd left in the shared washing machine.
2009-09-21 10:02:58 / Rating: 269.75 /
Bored of Boredom
I didn't understand what was so funny until I realized a Bachelors of Journalism from Fontbonne University is a "BJ from FU".
2009-09-21 10:02:27 / Rating: 434.25 /
Mia Moore
I was trying to be funny by pointing out to my boyfriend that his girlfriend is such a dork, but it came out better than expected when I told him "Your dork is such a girlfriend."
2009-09-18 15:17:45 / Rating: 297.25 /
cg
As I tried to tag a sentence I submitted, my computer suggested the tags "sex, poison ivy, humor, feet" and I can't remember ever submitting a sentence that would include those four things.
2009-09-18 15:14:56 / Rating: 299.75 /
Dog Sets it Off
My dog set the security alarm off, and as a result, 32 policemen with 8 police cars rushed to my house.
2009-09-17 14:38:03 / Rating: 220.25 /
Snakey
My rider friend assures me that 'Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear' is about the LAST thing you want to see when the mirror's on your motorcycle and the object is an irritable grizzly bear.
2009-09-17 14:34:46 / Rating: 318.75 /
Atleast we made some new friends
We realized as we went up to pay our respects, that though they shared the same name and everyone was very friendly, we were obviously at the wrong funeral.
2009-09-14 11:17:24 / Rating: 731 /
Fired by God
Today I was fired from Barnes and Noble because a customer complained that I had stocked Christian Bibles in the fiction section.
2009-09-14 11:14:14 / Rating: 690.25 /
12Letters
Coincidentally I met the next man I would love on the same night the last man I loved cheated on me.
2009-09-08 13:41:50 / Rating: 327 /
Café Chick
When asked how he could be certain the speaker had blown, Dad dramatically explained (with grandiose arm gestures) that, "I plugged it in and all I heard was nothing".
2009-09-08 11:27:08 / Rating: 219.75 /
gross
My sister caught me eating the callus I'd peeled off the bottom of my foot, and that was the end of that habit.
2009-09-02 08:38:12 / Rating: 297.25 /
Michelle
My sister's comment that her new computer had a 1GB harddrive confirmed my suspicions that she didn't know enough about computers to make such a purchase.
2009-09-02 07:36:50 / Rating: 294 /
awkwardme
I froze in utter awkwardness as the gas station attendant told me to stand very still, leaned towards my face with a soft look of concentration in his eyes, raised his hand slowly to my face as if to caress it, and then flicked frantically at a wasp stuck in my bangs.
2009-08-30 21:39:38 / Rating: 343 /
amused veterinarian
Pointing to the penis, I assured my client that her dog was, in fact, a male not a female, and encouraged her to forgo the bedtime kiss on his "belly button."
2009-08-20 10:13:09 / Rating: 621 /
p.u.
When Mom confessed her ice cream weakness by telling her friends at the beauty parlor that she loved Dove Bars, one lady gasped, "You eat SOAP?!"
2009-08-20 10:08:50 / Rating: 300 /
child
I kept screaming, thinking I'd gone blind, until my mom rushed into my room and told me to open my eyes.
2009-08-20 10:00:21 / Rating: 330 /
Madds
Thinking that a wedgie was a kind of cookie, I eagerly accepted one.
2009-08-12 10:31:40 / Rating: 391 /
Reluctant dad
True parenting is going out into the rain to search through the paper recycling bin by torchlight for your son's missing collectible trading cards, and then resisting the urge to strangle him when he finds they were in his coat pocket all the time.
2009-08-10 10:15:33 / Rating: 525.5 /
AIS
I am fairly certain I accidentally flashed my high school principal and her dinner party while taking a shower
2009-08-06 14:11:06 / Rating: 235.5 /
starbuck
My 46-year-old father chipped his tooth pretending he was Jimi Hendrix.
2009-07-29 12:18:07 / Rating: 259 /
Molly
I would have enjoyed meeting my father's grandfather, the one who used to get drunk and dress up in his wife's clothes.
2009-07-29 09:00:49 / Rating: 291.5 /
You'da Done It
My wallet and gas tank were both 100% empty, but my journey home was sponsored by a ninety-year-old man who paid me $5 to flash him in the crowded parking lot of the gas station.
2009-07-27 20:11:40 / Rating: 406.75 /
Grandpa Paige
You do not want to be returning your grandchildren to their parents after realizing how much a bottle of Nair looks like the bottle of Waterbabies.
2009-07-22 15:57:31 / Rating: 408.25 /
LH
During a somewhat fuzzy post-flu recovery power walk, a group of 10 or so college age men running towards me along the trail suddenly lined up single file and gave me high-fives.
2009-07-20 10:42:23 / Rating: 492.25 /
Stephen G
I was laughing with the cashier at a local cafe about an official-looking brass plaque mounted in front of the register that read, "In 2008 nothing happened here," when my wife walked up, read the plaque, and said, "We should get one of these for our bedroom."
2009-07-17 10:59:49 / Rating: 466 /
Sephira
I knew you loved me when you came back inside the restaurant laughing after running across the street through traffic in freezing rain, to check on what I thought was a hurt bird, and turned out to be cardboard flapping over a ventilation shaft.
2009-07-15 11:12:53 / Rating: 662 /
Tori
Organizational Assembly had been unwittingly shortened to OrgAsm on my transcript which also stated that my performance in it had been perfect.
2009-07-15 11:10:26 / Rating: 851.5 /
Tattoo
I found it oddly appropriate that the night I couldn't get the temporary heart tattoo off my forearm was the night you broke my heart.
2009-07-15 09:48:47 / Rating: 227.25 /
Natt
I only told them about my tattoo so they could identify my body if necessary.
2009-07-13 16:07:16 / Rating: 355.5 /
drummergrrrl
I was relieved when my middle-school friend revealed to me that, unlike what my mother had told me, hot dogs were not the penises of pigs.
2009-07-13 16:06:57 / Rating: 374.25 /
ftc
The very second I lost my virginity, a car outside my room sounded their custom Dukes of Hazard horn.
2009-07-13 16:03:04 / Rating: 421.25 /
SunnyBun
After I spilled gasoline on my shoes while topping off my car's tank on the way to lunch, my daughter announced to the cashier at McDonald's, "If you smell gas, it's coming from my mom."
2009-07-10 11:14:59 / Rating: 486.25 /
Stacy
"Whoa" means nothing to a Swedish horse.
2009-07-10 11:12:59 / Rating: 398.25 /
drummergrrrl
After my mom dropped a frozen corndog down the back of my sweatpants, I stopped talking back.
2009-07-10 11:12:50 / Rating: 237 /
It was perfectly in character for me as a child, when I maintained to my first grade teacher that my favorite animal was not a giraffe or tiger, but grass.
2009-07-07 10:29:40 / Rating: 478.25 /
SunnyBun
During a 6.2 earthquake that shook our building violently, my half-asleep husband sat up, looked at me in confusion and asked, "What are you doing?"
2009-07-06 09:27:49 / Rating: 695.5 /
Secret Shame
When she burst out laughing at the sight of me naked, I had the feeling that it wasn't gonna happen.
2009-06-29 15:47:51 / Rating: 429.25 /
Lewis H.
Ronald Reagan's robe fell open in front of me and there he was naked as the day he was born.
2009-06-29 14:02:34 / Rating: 258.25 /
RingoW
My cat prefers dog food.
2009-06-26 13:42:48 / Rating: 238.5 /
abused
Five years later, I still have a scar of my husband's entire dental impression from when he bit my abdomen.
2009-06-23 09:56:06 / Rating: 239 /
Still Romantic
While my husband (then boyfriend) proposed, I could see a man standing on a picnic table and peeing into the bushes in my peripheral vision - but it was the best night of my life all the same.
2009-06-23 09:49:48 / Rating: 477 /
embarrassed
We thought we were being so sneaky with our teenage sex rendevous, until we walked up the stairs to his room and heard his dad say, "Better make it a quickie guys."
2009-06-19 16:30:01 / Rating: 499.5 /
Kurt
My sister was obsessed with Ricky Martin until she had a dream that he stabbed and killed me.
2009-06-16 09:26:10 / Rating: 349 /
Paperclip
When my parents asked "Why did you two ever break up?" it might not have have been so painfully awkward if he hadn't been sitting right next to me.
2009-06-16 09:25:32 / Rating: 207.25 /
Tay-Tay
My mom frantically searched for me around the house to finally find me finishing off a big stick of butter.
2009-06-14 17:35:02 / Rating: 261.75 /
Alex
After our older son declared his desire to be a veterinarian, the seven-year-old said, "I want to be a Chinese man."
2009-06-10 10:59:45 / Rating: 712 /
a beautiful disaster
Sledding was great until the tree got in my way.
2009-06-08 11:43:09 / Rating: 276.75 /
Uncle Jesse
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
2009-06-05 10:38:07 / Rating: 380.25 /
i've had better judgment
Imagine my relief in my decision to sit on the grass when the rock beside me got up and walked away, presumably to go play with the other bobcats.
2009-06-05 10:35:45 / Rating: 551.25 /
Oh, the irony
It was only after I voted "no" on an unapproved entry that I realized it was one of my own.
2009-05-29 09:19:01 / Rating: 496.25 /
Murphy's Lawyer
I thought my sister was joking when she said she wanted to take over the world, but now she's majoring in political science and foreign relations with a minor in economics.
2009-05-29 09:15:13 / Rating: 550 /
Gerrie
While walking down a street in New Orleans with his wife and two young daughters, my father was approached by a prostitute.
2009-05-28 15:02:14 / Rating: 309.75 /
renaichan
Seeing Wolverine's naked hiney with my mom was surprisingly not awkward.
2009-05-26 13:39:05 / Rating: 381.5 /
Aimee
Soon my monthly therapy sessions were replaced with monthly orthodontist visits.
2009-05-21 15:45:45 / Rating: 248.5 /
Tmyakal
The fire we started in that corn field was terrible for more reasons than just its failure to produce popcorn.
2009-05-20 14:51:13 / Rating: 638.25 /
Dmann
After saying "I am missing my G-string" out loud, I realized that nobody knew I was talking about my guitar.
2009-05-20 14:50:55 / Rating: 630.25 /
lefty
It's amazing how fast you can run when something's on fire.
2009-05-20 14:12:01 / Rating: 304.75 /
even_better
"She's lived in Columbia her entire life," I told my brother, and then, after a moment of reflection added, "Columbia, Maryland."
2009-05-20 10:33:44 / Rating: 162.75 /
Ally S.
Our first kiss seemed to have perfect timing, immediately after her accidental elbow to my forehead.
2009-05-19 08:39:24 / Rating: 379 /
Restaurants
The most embarrassing moment wasn't when I accidentally poured a pint of beer down the guest's back but 10 seconds later when I slipped on said beer, fell on to the shattered glass and lost my shoe on my way to get paper towel.
2009-05-15 15:49:27 / Rating: 292.5 /
Love
I realized today that squeezing my own boob feels a lot like squeezing my boyfriends butt.
2009-05-14 14:13:24 / Rating: 413.75 /
"I love you more than anyone else in the world..."
This morning I was dangerously close to buying a 24-pack of condoms with my Mothers' Day card before realizing the embarrassing implications.
2009-05-11 11:07:59 / Rating: 420.75 /
pikachu
My crazy Polish dad came inside after digging a hole for a new tree in the backyard, holding the skull of "Speedy," my cat who had died months before and said, "Look, it's Speedy! Meow!"
2009-05-11 11:06:10 / Rating: 963.25 /
Free To Choose
I realized how much I had finally let go of religion when I chose my flimsy Bible as a hard surface to write on over one of my hard-backed fantasy novels.
2009-05-11 11:04:13 / Rating: 282.5 /
Lona
The $1 store swiss rolls I bought to console myself were better than all the expensive chocolates I received when we were together.
2009-05-08 07:54:47 / Rating: 387.5 /
Doc
As I overheard my employees gossiping about how I "need to get laid," I had to wonder, would that prescription change if any of them knew I am a recovering sex addict.
2009-04-30 10:08:06 / Rating: 589 /
AMCN
I just realized after looking at the photos in the "sold" listing of my foreclosed home, I forgot my soap dispenser in the bathroom when I moved out.
2009-04-30 10:07:01 / Rating: 280 /
I'll get right on it
At the age of 17, a trainee religion teacher told me, an unbaptized athiest, that I wouldn't be given an apple at break if I continued to refuse to write a letter to God.
2009-04-30 09:37:49 / Rating: 339.5 /
a sign?
It seems like immediately after every time I buy pot, I run my car into something stationary.
2009-04-28 16:34:49 / Rating: 298 /
seven6eight
She awoke from her slumber to answer her cell phone, but it was the radio that was playing her song.
2009-04-27 15:20:05 / Rating: 232.75 /
sesordnaslluks
As the cashier scanned the pregnancy test, I hoped she wouldn't notice that the next item was a box of condoms.
2009-04-27 15:18:49 / Rating: 246.5 /
Dani
When questioned about wearing a long-sleeve shirt on the warmest day of summer, my mom grudgingly admitted that she mistook the ink-pad refill bottle for her roll-on deodorant that morning.
2009-04-27 15:18:06 / Rating: 463.5 /
Leah
After getting the third package in the mail with a toy cow in it, I concluded that my mother and younger sister were trying to force me to collect cows.
2009-04-10 12:54:45 / Rating: 518.5 /
Jaime
My cat, Scoop, sits in the bathtub for exactly twenty minutes after I have showered, and this morning, she pulled out all the hair that was clogging up the drain using one hooked claw
2009-04-10 12:53:29 / Rating: 419 /
molly
The time I got my hand stuck in the blades of the electric stand mixer, resulting in pieces of bloody knuckle skin littering the dough, I seriously considered baking the cookies anyways.
2009-04-07 14:08:37 / Rating: 303.25 /
Bunnyface
I awoke this morning to the sensation of my dog, curled up against me under the covers, licking my butt.
2009-04-03 13:26:31 / Rating: 389 /
godfather
I am very happy that I was asked to be my girlfriend's sister's stepdaughter's stepsister's godfather.
2009-04-01 11:21:41 / Rating: 336.5 /
helenthenanny
As a professional nanny, I've found that scaring a baby doesn't alleviate her hiccups, but it does scar her for life.
2009-03-31 12:15:05 / Rating: 334.25 /
@mac2nite
I wish my husband would have been as faithful as my fat is.
2009-03-30 11:16:43 / Rating: 504.5 /
loboscott
After a few seconds of brushing my teeth, I realized that the store brand flouride toothpaste had the same red and white packaging as the tube of Ben-Gay.
2009-03-30 11:09:33 / Rating: 270.75 /
Daniel Reuben
I realized the ineptitude of my English teacher when she pronounced "faux-pas" phonetically.
2009-03-30 11:01:31 / Rating: 536.75 /
malleohheh
As I licked off my finger I realized how much Spicy Szechuan Sauce looks like Apple Butter and how much my 1-year-old would enjoy cold cereal for breakfast.
2009-03-27 13:02:46 / Rating: 202.75 /
Tori
When I was six years old, I cried when my family told me we couldn't go see the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park because they were all already dead.
2009-03-27 12:58:28 / Rating: 339.5 /
Mo
Delivering pizza became a life-affirming occupation the day the half-naked couple in their seventies opened the door, releasing billowing clouds of pot smoke and Jefferson Airplane into the atmosphere.
2009-03-25 11:32:35 / Rating: 894.75 /
Devon
I have a twisted family that made me believe that chocolate milk came from brown cows until I was 14.
2009-03-25 11:29:36 / Rating: 615 /
Pam
For some reason, I was pleasantly surprised when my vanilla pudding tasted like fish.
2009-03-25 11:26:17 / Rating: 198.75 /
MsInformed
I realized how much I hated working in the OC when I saw a couple pushing a stroller meant for twins, and instead of twins it contained four poodles wearing pink argyle sweaters.
2009-03-19 08:57:33 / Rating: 714.25 /
no_shame_insomniac
When my professor asked me how stressed out I was, I explained to her that I had been naked in a public restroom that morning and didn't even realize it.
2009-03-17 12:14:23 / Rating: 520.5 /
Appropriated Agenda
Promptly after arriving at college and trying to clean up after my roommates, I phoned my mom and apologized for 18 years of not helping tidy the kitchen more.
2009-03-13 15:41:38 / Rating: 505.5 /
what to do...
I soon discovered that thinking, "Don't puke, don't puke" does not prevent one from puking in the middle of a final exam in front of 400 people.
2009-03-13 15:41:09 / Rating: 546.25 /
R
All through dinner I thought her leg was touching mine until I looked down and realized it was only the table leg.
2009-03-10 11:23:36 / Rating: 517 /
Bored of Boredom
Nothing is more embarassing than having to tell the doctors that the stab to my eye that was causing me to get the stitches in my eyelid was all because my sister was trying to write 'loser' on my forehead.
2009-03-10 11:14:57 / Rating: 327.75 /
Timmy D
My dog doesn't understand daylight savings.
2009-03-09 12:14:10 / Rating: 440.25 /
hunter
I once got barfed on by a baby during hour 3 of a 14-hour plane flight to Australia.
2009-03-05 12:38:04 / Rating: 267.25 /
Panda Bear
I was almost said it out loud, but then I realized "I almost bit your armpit" is a weird thing to tell someone.
2009-03-05 11:39:17 / Rating: 310.75 /
Mistaken confidentiality
An excited 3 AM call about his first homosexual experience in desperate confidentiality to June, was followed by my response of, "Um, you have the wrong number."
2009-03-05 11:38:10 / Rating: 740 /
Pathetic Pooch
My dog was so desperate to avoid his bath that he pretended to vomit.
2009-02-26 20:30:48 / Rating: 591.25 /
Erf
As I left my apartment listening to Daivd Bowie's "1984," I noticed the new security cameras they had installed across the alley.
2009-02-26 20:26:01 / Rating: 348.25 /
Kaycee
The more text messages I see on the phone bill, the higher chances my son has a new girlfriend.
2009-02-26 15:59:37 / Rating: 329 /
R
One can only wonder how plausible the words "I'm still a virgin" could possibly have sounded after her little brother told their mother that he heard the bed squeaking rhythmically.
2009-02-24 14:31:29 / Rating: 270.5 /
Bee
Like most people, I didn't imagine my first make-out session as involving a bowl of bananas, a waffle maker, and being interrupted by my fencing coach.
2009-02-18 21:35:47 / Rating: 448.5 /
Emms
My best friend of nine years still won't let go of the time I accidentally pushed her in front of a taxi before ripping her out of the way.
2009-02-18 21:29:44 / Rating: 312.5 /
hartford
My oldest sister once curiously asked my Grandma Helen why her phone number was written on her arm.
2009-02-17 13:44:48 / Rating: 1001 /
Stupidest Thing Ever
While it was comforting to hear the cop's reassurances that he personally did not believe we were pedophiles, it really didn't do much to help the situation.
2009-02-12 11:25:21 / Rating: 400.5 /
Brad Wilson
Today I saw a chicken walking up 9th Avenue and, being very tired, he sat down on a metal door in the sidewalk beside a couple of Mexican guys.
2009-02-10 13:00:55 / Rating: 371.5 /
Katie
During two years of graduate school, I never imagined that my career would involve taking pictures of raisins.
2009-02-06 14:17:50 / Rating: 402.25 /
Pyro
It was at "Disney on Ice" when my Dad told me Walt Disney was a Nazi.
2009-02-06 14:11:47 / Rating: 347.75 /
happy girl
When I realized I had my period on the night of senior prom, I was glad I didn't wait.
2009-02-06 14:10:07 / Rating: 345 /
Alvin
During the party, an awkward silence fell in the room after my wife's grandmother asked me loudly if I'd ever seen a shaved beaver.
2009-02-04 14:43:55 / Rating: 526.5 /
Fly
The day I moved out of my apartment was the day I discovered the bathroom mirror was actually the door to a medicine cabinet.
2009-02-04 14:39:44 / Rating: 613.75 /
Ken
I was trying to call my brother long distance but dialed 911 by accident, when they showed up and realised my mistake, the police officer paged "to cancel the other unit."
2009-02-02 11:53:29 / Rating: 247 /
Mr. Chris G.
The correct response to your wife after coming home from an emergency call only to find that your son had caught the majority of the backyard on fire is not, "That's what you called me home for?"
2009-02-02 11:12:07 / Rating: 381.5 /
I shake my head & smile
You know your adult son is home visiting when you find an empty beer can in your shower.
2009-01-30 14:44:37 / Rating: 597 /
Teresa
Somewhere in the Colorado penal system, there is a man named David with my name tattooed on his chest.
2009-01-30 14:42:47 / Rating: 502.25 /
Nevadawx
I've garnered two Emmy Awards plus two Associated Press awards and I'll always be known as the dude who hit the "perfect showcase bid" on The Price Is Right.
2009-01-30 11:11:11 / Rating: 487.5 /
Kiev
He'll never know how much time and effort goes into making homemade pierogis.
2009-01-29 16:43:58 / Rating: 348.25 /
annalee
I had to explain I'd lose my job as a swimming teacher if someone drowned in my class, again.
2009-01-29 09:57:54 / Rating: 293 /
Sorcha
When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.
2009-01-28 16:28:39 / Rating: 3040.25 /
lost a tooth
That night I fell out of bed and smacked my nose on the metal bedframe, and the next morning my dad joked that the toothfairy pushed me.
2009-01-28 16:28:05 / Rating: 388.25 /
wildpen
My cat challenged me to a game of "Guess Where I Pooped Before You Step In It" and I lost.
2009-01-28 16:26:35 / Rating: 949.75 /
Tim
Before I had a three year old child, I never imagined I'd discuss whether turtles have eyebrows.
2009-01-28 12:30:11 / Rating: 1091.25 /
jb
My eight year soccer career ended with me scoring my very first goal after which I promptly threw up.
2009-01-28 12:24:14 / Rating: 273.5 /
When my six-year-old brother puked squash all over our dining room table, Mom decided she did not wield the power to make us eat anything.
2009-01-26 09:48:11 / Rating: 345.25 /
Gullible
When I was little, my older brother had me convinced that the members of Hootie and the Blowfish were named Hootie, And, The, and Blowfish.
2009-01-26 09:34:19 / Rating: 387.25 /
LaDeeDa
Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, Petunia, do NOT put ass cream on your face."
2009-01-23 14:22:40 / Rating: 2732 /
HollyGirl
As we walked down the "Feminine Products" aisle, my 3-year-old son grabbed a box of panty liners off the shelf and said, "Look, Mama, Mouse Diapers!"
2009-01-23 14:19:42 / Rating: 409.5 /
The Ocean
A yeast infection brought us together and bad spelling broke us apart.
2009-01-22 12:28:19 / Rating: 288 /
So Many!
If I could've stopped laughing long enough, it may have occurred to me that perhaps my quacking dog needed to see a vet.
2009-01-20 12:43:09 / Rating: 439.5 /
Herr Benötigen Sie Mehr Getränke
To which I answered, "We now can communicate in code undetected by our adversaries and allies alike, simply by inputting a single sentence, to be posted on an unread, underfunded, underground governmental experiment in the form of a web page".
2009-01-20 12:29:03 / Rating: 312 /
Sissy
Just because she just had surgery didn't mean I had to let her win during the Uno tournament.
2009-01-19 15:09:33 / Rating: 417 /
madison
Despite his exasperation, I enjoyed the irony of holding the door for the hotel doorman.
2009-01-19 15:04:14 / Rating: 401.5 /
Me
When I opened the door I noticed 2 things: one, someone had made cookies, and two, all the furniture was missing, in that order.
2009-01-16 12:23:23 / Rating: 822.75 /
selambaness
Suspecting OCD, I tried mismatching my grey-striped monogram-banded blue socks with my grey-striped monogram-banded blue boxers.
2009-01-16 11:09:11 / Rating: 274.75 /
Alix
We put our clothes back on so fast that if we hadn't hesitated in his room, panicking, his parents might never have found out.
2009-01-16 10:56:37 / Rating: 292.75 /
Sleepless in Seattle
I can't believe that you smiling at me was the highlight of a day where I got an A on a test, found twenty bucks, and won a debate.
2009-01-15 12:35:16 / Rating: 1061.75 /
Anon
Just when I thought I'd never get to type, "Dude, I KNOW that girl," I found pictures of her in a seedy corner of the internet.
2009-01-15 12:32:37 / Rating: 259.25 /
Aardvark
He gave me a pair of shiny diamonds for Christmas, but I would have preferred a pair of shiny running shoes.
2009-01-14 09:10:29 / Rating: 250.5 /
Sam
I asked my friend if I could use his computer for a second only to find the words "how to properly pick your nose" in the google search queue.
2009-01-12 15:26:37 / Rating: 357 /
the girl
The other day I got into the shower with my bra on and I didn't even notice.
2009-01-12 15:25:16 / Rating: 332 /
Teacher
I really didn't mean to get the fake Prada purse vendor arrested.
2009-01-12 15:23:55 / Rating: 393.5 /
Teacher
My wedding began after his ex-girlfriend was removed from the church and ended after I lit my veil on fire with the Unity candle.
2009-01-12 15:23:47 / Rating: 674 /
lifeguard!
I once played DanceDanceRevolution for 4 hours straight then jumped off a balcony into a pool, only to almost drown because the muscles in both my legs stopped working the moment I hit the water.
2009-01-09 11:16:39 / Rating: 389.75 /
Mattie
My teacher told me my excuse was more bogus than a story she had read on One Sentence, which happened to be the truest thing I had ever written.
2009-01-07 11:40:56 / Rating: 415 /
pumpkin
What my government teacher doesn't know is that when he's lecturing about Roe vs. Wade, I'm wondering what size tutu would be needed to accommodate his mass.
2009-01-07 09:35:17 / Rating: 331 /
Jenna Bean
When I was 10-years-old, I gave my mom a note that said, "You are a bich!" and she laughed and showed me my mistake.
2009-01-05 08:43:59 / Rating: 846.75 /
Warren Taylor
In spite of the damage to my car and my body, I couldn't help but laugh at becoming the second person in my family to hit a Burger King.
2009-01-05 08:41:17 / Rating: 775.5 /
SHS LukeE
After the accident, still in a drunken stupor, he asked the cop how the police got there so fast, to which the officer replied, "You hit MY car."
2009-01-02 12:56:54 / Rating: 749 /
Bored of Boredom
After that dream, I never saw Ronald McDonald the same again.
2008-12-31 12:40:04 / Rating: 324.25 /
Santa's Photographer
I saw Santa chuckle to himself and realized I had heard correctly, the little guy did ask for Chinese food for Christmas.
2008-12-25 23:01:51 / Rating: 447.25 /
Crazy
It is not lost on me that taking my cat to a pet psychiatrist suggests I might need a human one myself.
2008-12-25 23:00:29 / Rating: 371.5 /
pouzy
I laughed out loud in class at the severe irony when he pronounced it "foo pah."
2008-12-22 15:47:59 / Rating: 438.75 /
islandbrian
Moments after my three year old son stated, "I help Daddy," I came to realize that our Christmas tree was on fire.
2008-12-17 21:52:09 / Rating: 594 /
JLD
When asked by the mechanic what sort of engine I had, I responded "A black one," and didn't understand why he couldn't stop laughing.
2008-12-17 21:51:07 / Rating: 374.5 /
Annie
He asked, "Is that your purse on fire?"
2008-12-16 09:10:31 / Rating: 350.25 /
college kid
My ramen has the slightest hint of dishwasher soap flavoring.
2008-12-16 08:52:56 / Rating: 411 /
Sam
When I told him I wouldn't have sex with him in the back of his car, he replied, "But it's an Audi."
2008-12-15 16:37:34 / Rating: 774.25 /
for Zandra
You know work is exciting when in the same week you can say, "I got attacked by an angry black midget" and "I was bitten by a lesbian stripper."
2008-12-12 09:22:25 / Rating: 603 /
Francis
Announcing "I am loose" in a hostel gave me a lot of unwanted attention but no directions to the rail station.
2008-12-12 09:20:27 / Rating: 367 /
one day
I gave the high school freshman my phone number so he could brag to his friends and because it reaffirmed that I want to be a journalist when I grow up
2008-12-12 09:18:39 / Rating: 311.5 /
CJ
When I was little, my mom told me that the bottom of the pool smelled really good.
2008-12-12 09:17:51 / Rating: 586.5 /
When I picked up my black grandfather from a white woman's house running down the fire escape holding his pants up, I realized I had an interesting childhood.
2008-12-09 09:59:05 / Rating: 494 /
Ellie
I stood in the cereal aisle for ten minutes trying to pick the Marshmallow Mateys bag with the highest marshmallow-to-anchor ratio.
2008-12-05 13:03:14 / Rating: 686.25 /
Lo
My best friend looked at me and said, "My mouth tastes like Spring Break."
2008-12-04 13:19:40 / Rating: 404.5 /
Patricia
Worse than the pain of the tattoo was the embarrassment that he had to shave my toe first.
2008-12-04 13:18:03 / Rating: 359.75 /
only me
When I realized you had a can of Chef Boyardee as a backup dinner for our first date, I knew I would love you.
2008-12-03 15:06:43 / Rating: 575.75 /
no!
I made a face and declared, "You have to CHOOSE to put your tongue up someone else's nose!"
2008-12-01 15:45:33 / Rating: 221.25 /
Murry's Mom
Judith told me later that the deaf woman wasn't blowing kisses at me, she was saying "thank you" in ASL.
2008-12-01 12:06:55 / Rating: 277.25 /
yvon
As I lay in bed curled up in the fetal position, I realized that quitting smoking really was going to be that hard.
2008-12-01 10:06:32 / Rating: 299.25 /
Em
That homeless man just wouldn't give back the guitar.
2008-12-01 10:01:46 / Rating: 336 /
Eddie
My mom always joked that I could get a tattoo if it said, "I love Mom," so I made her hold my hand when I got it.
2008-11-21 16:07:54 / Rating: 649.25 /
Gemma
During a romantic dinner away from the kids, I looked down at my hand and saw that there was poop on my diamond.
2008-11-19 13:47:55 / Rating: 362 /
mj.
There really is no easy way to explain why there was an electric toothbrush stuck in my hair last night.
2008-11-18 13:21:14 / Rating: 305 /
i love jools
When I bared my soul and told my husband that I wanted to be calmed by the sound of running water while I sleep, he told me to get my pillow and lay down next to the toilet.
2008-11-18 13:15:57 / Rating: 443.75 /
MarissaCondit
The day my Mother accidentally left my little brother at the dog pound gave me the only self-esteem boost I would ever need.
2008-11-18 13:14:45 / Rating: 513.5 /
Rae
It wasn't until I sat down at the table that I realized I had drizzled maple syrup over my kung pao tofu instead of soy sauce.
2008-11-14 15:22:40 / Rating: 330.5 /
Ouch
I was bleeding and in pain, but I had to laugh when the ER nurse asked the guy in the next room, "You swallowed HOW MANY toothbrushes?"
2008-11-14 15:21:37 / Rating: 1130 /
For the Smell of Old Books
When the man in the library saw me watching him smell the old dictionary, he pretended to look up a word (but I could tell he was still smelling).
2008-11-13 22:12:50 / Rating: 541 /
brandy
No one believes me when I tell them I've actually slipped on a banana peel.
2008-11-13 13:10:04 / Rating: 308.25 /
Pax
Halfway through the song, my host sister told me that my dance partner was the Mongolian Olympic silver medalist in boxing.
2008-11-12 10:03:38 / Rating: 298.75 /
lamont
It took him 30 practice swings just to flop horribly on his one actual swing.
2008-11-12 10:00:01 / Rating: 248 /
snakey
I now have the best icebreaker story I've ever had for parties, because this summer, after I helped out for a couple of days, the circus tried to run away with ME.
2008-11-10 13:40:07 / Rating: 274 /
crabapple
I'm selling my old mattress to a guy I had a one-night stand with.
2008-11-06 14:19:41 / Rating: 662.5 /
PCD
When I was finally able to relax after pushing for 30 mins, he said "Good news, you didn't poop!"
2008-11-06 14:16:01 / Rating: 514.25 /
Don Duggan-Haas
When the one-armed Amishman sitting next to me started talking about condoms, I knew it was going to be an interesting train ride.
2008-11-06 14:13:42 / Rating: 565.5 /
amused
The four middle aged ladies I shared a joint with in that state park campground in New Mexico made up an elaborate story about my cross-country road trip that wasn't anywhere near as interesting as the truth.
2008-11-06 14:13:00 / Rating: 242.25 /
CO
As the actor dressed in the Minnie costume stepped on my sandaled four-year old foot after I asked for an autograph I never received, I realized that Disneyland was not "The Happiest Place on Earth" after all.
2008-10-30 22:13:53 / Rating: 318.75 /
Rai
One of my most vivid memories as a child was kicking my brothers privates, not because I was mad at him, but because I was curious if the men in the movies really felt the pain.
2008-10-30 17:17:58 / Rating: 408 /
Cole
When I was three, I thought my mom's hot curling iron was a popsicle.
2008-10-28 12:12:48 / Rating: 388.75 /
TwinMom
I never thought I could become immune to watching my boys drink water out of the dog's bowl.
2008-10-24 13:19:14 / Rating: 352.5 /
Reno Reading
My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Funny" and has been using it all over the internet.
2008-10-23 13:39:41 / Rating: 4052.25 /
e
On our middle school class trip to new York City, my cousin got slapped by a bum.
2008-10-22 12:58:47 / Rating: 452.25 /
Chase
Not being quite attuned to college life, I reflexively put my old home address while ordering a porn DVD.
2008-10-22 12:57:20 / Rating: 591.5 /
Sarah
I'm not an overweight 19-year-old female, but Facebook ads seem to think so.
2008-10-21 15:23:40 / Rating: 432.75 /
elle
My little brother thinks that he is a super hero because he is convinced he can poop the alphabet.
2008-10-15 15:15:19 / Rating: 524.75 /
Tink
I realized the dress code was less strict that I had previously thought when the female science teacher showed up wearing lederhosen.
2008-10-15 15:13:56 / Rating: 333 /
Pax
For breakfast, my Mongolian host parents gave me a boiled sheep's head and a knife.
2008-10-14 09:54:20 / Rating: 358.75 /
Eva
When I asked my son how hitting his brother in the eye could be "an accident," he replied, "I was trying to hit him in the nose."
2008-10-10 16:00:34 / Rating: 964.25 /
Someone
Walking downtown, holding hands with my long-haired boyfriend, I often wondered how many people who saw us from behind thought we were lesbians.
2008-10-10 11:14:52 / Rating: 441.25 /
Steveie
In order to desensitize my roommate to various things involved in childbirth I hid sticky notes around the room with the words like "placenta" on them.
2008-10-10 11:14:45 / Rating: 404.5 /
cal
Running into my uptight, conservative boss at a gay bar was both the most embarrassing and the most gratifying experience of my life.
2008-10-07 16:53:57 / Rating: 802 /
Celia
You know you live in a hippie commune when you go to bed alone and wake up with three other people and think this is normal.
2008-10-07 16:50:11 / Rating: 441.5 /
Slim
I tried to ignore the fact that I was alone in my dorm on a Saturday night and focused my energy into color-coding the rest of my shoes.
2008-10-06 13:10:03 / Rating: 398.75 /
Sleepy
"One Sentence" helped me stay awake until two in the morning so I could take my second morning after pill.
2008-10-06 13:08:30 / Rating: 379.5 /
Bread Doesn't Burn
I almost had to repeat the ninth grade for attempted arson, all because the three of us were bored at lunch and decided to try to light my sandwich on fire.
2008-09-29 13:51:54 / Rating: 638.5 /
"Now that hurt", I said.
My therapist was relatively quiet while I talked, until I mentioned that Paul Newman had died, which elicited from her a dramatic gasp.
2008-09-29 13:45:11 / Rating: 409.75 /
Heather Rose
As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.
2008-09-26 17:46:59 / Rating: 3626.25 /
shrunk
The truth is, the only birthday card I received was from my therapist.
2008-09-26 17:33:33 / Rating: 331.75 /
bored as mustard
I have three giant bruises and a bit of a bruised ego as proof that you can, in fact, forget how to ride a bicycle.
2008-09-24 11:12:32 / Rating: 563 /
laura
I can't tell what's worse: the death of the boy who pulled down his underwear in front of me in the first grade or feeling terrible every time I tell people about the first time I ever saw a penis.
2008-09-21 14:24:23 / Rating: 445.75 /
Kenshiro
I stopped believing in God the day that my neighbour claimed that Holy Mother Mary had appeared as a humidity spot on his bathroom wall and tried to charge me $2 to see it.
2008-09-21 14:21:23 / Rating: 500.75 /
We got away
Being in the 'haunted' condemned mental hospital was worth the concussion I received from the headfirst dive I made into the car after being spotted by the police.
2008-09-17 23:43:23 / Rating: 330.25 /
aunt d
When my 8-year-old niece came home from her friend's birthday party and assured me that she did not drink any beer, I knew something was very wrong with our culture.
2008-09-11 20:04:35 / Rating: 760.5 /
Lyv
It always brings a smile to my face when my dad tells large groups of strangers how he once cut himself on Jello.
2008-09-11 20:02:30 / Rating: 650 /
Taylor
I've never been as proud as I was when I sat down and honestly said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I HAVE been flossing."
2008-09-10 14:41:23 / Rating: 544 /
Thanks, Gustav!
201 electricity-free hours will make you reconsider ever buying frozen fish again.
2008-09-10 14:40:14 / Rating: 342.75 /
Alicia n Jeanne
Alicia said, "Feliz Navidad," to which Jeanne replied, "But you're Filipino, not Jewish."
2008-09-09 16:09:36 / Rating: 466.5 /
anon
Every time I have to ask what I did last night I feel like Sherlock Holmes.
2008-09-08 10:55:06 / Rating: 355 /
gofish
By putting the card table on the property line I had outwitted my parents punishment of "stay in the yard with no friends over."
2008-09-03 13:54:18 / Rating: 541.25 /
Basilisk
It was at that moment that I realized just how similar are the tastes of fresh fish and week old, unrefrigerated turkey.
2008-09-03 13:53:46 / Rating: 302.25 /
Unidentified Ethnicity
She tried to convert me to Christianity because I looked Jewish.
2008-08-27 16:21:32 / Rating: 425.5 /
Daddy
After finding out her grandfather was in the army, my daughter asked "Was he with the green guys or the tan guys?"
2008-08-27 14:57:30 / Rating: 354.25 /
A.D.
In Physics of Music class, I learned that a wave is defined as "a traveling disturbance" and I thought of my ex-boyfriend.
2008-08-27 14:55:54 / Rating: 657 /
Port Noir
It started an hour late because the first comic was a pothead who left the microphone at Taco Bell when he had a snack attack before the show.
2008-08-27 14:54:48 / Rating: 411.5 /
SilverMarc
How was I supposed to know what "cease and desist" meant?
2008-08-26 10:18:50 / Rating: 354.25 /
.
If you thought toilet paper on the back of your shoe was bad, try someone else's used pad.
2008-08-26 10:18:04 / Rating: 479.5 /
stupidlove
It's been four days, and I still don't know what I should have said to the pretty girl sitting next to me who said "Everybody likes good porn."
2008-08-26 10:17:26 / Rating: 688 /
A.D.
When I was little I thought the "f" word was "fart" because I wasn't allowed to say it.
2008-08-26 10:15:54 / Rating: 364.5 /
Talim
I found out, for some odd reason, my printer speaks in Spanish.
2008-08-26 10:15:05 / Rating: 290.5 /
JenZen
In one day I had convinced my grandfather I was old enough to drive his riding mower and ran over the new slide with the riding mower.
2008-08-22 17:37:21 / Rating: 298 /
Just another one
As I watched him squat off the rail road bridge with two of my friends holding his arms to keep him from falling into the river thirty feet below, I wondered how fast he'd be able to move with his pants around his ankles as I saw a train round the corner.
2008-08-22 17:31:58 / Rating: 347.25 /
MartyB
I told my eight-year-old daughter she could choose lemonade, lemonade or lemonade and she asked "What was the second one again?"
2008-08-22 13:56:40 / Rating: 998.25 /
Doritos
We met because he'd hit me in the back of the head with his trombone slide.
2008-08-18 14:58:13 / Rating: 463.25 /
Courtney
I took a huge bite of rice pudding only to realize that it was actually tartar sauce.
2008-08-14 20:37:55 / Rating: 570.5 /
Mr. Lucas Brice
I found out the reason the emails to my old friend bounced is because unbeknownst to me, Steven was now Janet.
2008-08-14 20:35:28 / Rating: 335 /
Eileen
I will never again give cucumbers from my garden as a gift to a man with erectile dysfunction.
2008-08-12 15:48:18 / Rating: 457 /
stupidlove
I took my wife's sluttiest panties with me to the Kentucky bar exam because they had always been lucky for me.
2008-08-12 15:04:21 / Rating: 498.75 /
Jay
I lied to them when I said I found my keys at the park because I didn't want to admit my own stupidity at having accidentally dropped them into my bag of carrots.
2008-08-12 15:03:04 / Rating: 339.75 /
KarmaRama
Two days after I berated my incompetent roommate for flooding the laundry room, I flooded the laundry room.
2008-08-12 14:54:49 / Rating: 456.75 /
Get Out Much?
An impatient check of the UPS online tracking center reveals that the package has been on my front porch for three days.
2008-08-11 16:29:57 / Rating: 526 /
Tom
I had to go to the hospital in the 7th grade after I fell off my bike because the sombrero I was wearing to block the sun blew off and I instinctively reached back to grab it and lost balance.
2008-08-11 15:42:34 / Rating: 362.75 /
xunshine
After we finished kissing, I laughed and said,"Can you please go brush your teeth?"
2008-08-07 15:14:06 / Rating: 334 /
LP
I think the best revenge I could possibly have pales in comparison to knowing your co-op board is about to stage an intervention about over how bad you smell.
2008-08-06 16:34:30 / Rating: 331.25 /
Kate
I know doctors hear it all, but how many other people fracture their hand while rapping on the wall to try to get the neighbors to stop having such loud sex?
2008-08-06 16:33:06 / Rating: 565.5 /
Waylon
"Well, I'm no gynecologist", I murmured into the phone, "But I'll come over and have a look."
2008-08-06 16:09:11 / Rating: 424.25 /
Leechard
I need a vacuum cleaner to clean out my vacuum cleaner.
2008-08-04 17:14:03 / Rating: 285 /
Connor
All I could think of as my friend sat naked next to me encouraging me to throw up was what a great One Sentence it would make.
2008-08-04 09:49:49 / Rating: 531.25 /
MADk
I imagine the people at Harvard gave my application the same look Mary received from the Israelites when she told them her new son, Jesus, was immaculately conceived.
2008-07-30 14:41:13 / Rating: 640.5 /
Bottoms Up
It figures: the one time I get a hot-looking nurse, it's for my colonoscopy.
2008-07-29 13:52:30 / Rating: 565.5 /
She deserved it.
I accidentally cut my finger open while slicing honeydew and bled on it, then licked the blood off, and served it to my mother-in-law.
2008-07-25 16:12:07 / Rating: 439.75 /
awkward
When my girlfriend and I were robbed, the cop asked if the red spots on my neck were from the fight.
2008-07-25 10:19:38 / Rating: 361.25 /
J
Did the nurse really have to laugh when my mom said her nine-year-old had dropped a toenail in his eye and we couldn't find it?
2008-07-22 12:23:17 / Rating: 425.25 /
Feenix
He sang to me as we danced in the fountain and later he caressed my cheek, stroked my neck, touched my adam's apple, and asked me if I was a man.
2008-07-21 16:12:16 / Rating: 513.75 /
Greg
When asked to donate a dollar to Lou Gehrig's Disease research (ALS), the customer replied, "No, I'm not a Yankees fan".
2008-07-21 16:04:03 / Rating: 314.75 /
Cara
I discovered in front of the entire store that gourmet dog biscuits look like, but do not taste like, people cookies.
2008-07-21 15:36:48 / Rating: 403.5 /
Aub
I think my dad realized I would never take out the garbage again when the trash bag he told me to pick up turned out to be a three-foot-long snake coiled up in a corner.
2008-07-21 15:36:15 / Rating: 413 /
felinefevah
I panicked, thinking my precious fluffy cat had a tumor, until I realized he just had a Cocoa Puff stuck to his ass.
2008-07-18 01:26:39 / Rating: 798.5 /
heather
I couldn't decide which was weirder: falling asleep next to a stack of unopened bank statements or waking up on top of a bunch of open ones.
2008-07-15 10:21:16 / Rating: 308.5 /
Emily
He was running towards me, calling my name, when all of the sudden he stopped and made a horrid face as he looked at his shoe.
2008-07-10 15:32:45 / Rating: 391.5 /
Emily
We got quite the looks at the hospital, walking around with her hands glued to my feet in wheelbarrow position.
2008-07-10 15:32:31 / Rating: 485.25 /
R
Yesterday, I got a black eye from a plastic hammer.