Story archives - tag: "humor"


Is it weird that I had a better time talking to the stripper than getting a lap dance from her?

tags: humor strippers sad funny conversation [add]

2014-02-05 11:27:27 / Rating: 607 /


The day I met you, my acne medicine squirted out in the shape of a heart.

tags: humor love acne you crush [add]

2013-12-19 14:54:32 / Rating: 546.25 /


I hope it's not weird that I felt a sense of pride because I got a standing ovation when I finished delivering her eulogy.

tags: death funerals eulogy family humor [add]

2013-12-19 14:53:29 / Rating: 473.75 /


She could have been popular were it not for a poor political decision in first grade: never make friends with the boy who believes he is He-Man.

tags: humor childhood politics [add]

2013-11-06 13:31:55 / Rating: 513.75 /

Chile Williams

There is no feminine itch so urgent that it can't wait until you have every last bit of diced chile pepper off your fingers.

tags: capsaicin humor cooking [add]

2013-10-30 14:10:54 / Rating: 607.75 /


There’s this romantic propaganda that you meet soulmates at bookstores when in reality you just meet creepy baristas who follow you around until you’re reduced to hiding behind shelves and copies of Islamic Economics for Dummies.

tags: humor awkward [add]

2013-08-22 07:49:34 / Rating: 270.5 /

The Raven

I live in a town so small that the hospital is terrifyingly close to both the cemetery and the local taxidermist.

tags: humor small town growing up [add]

2013-08-14 14:40:45 / Rating: 280.25 /


After reading everyone's personal essay, I realize I'm the only person in a class of twenty-three who doesn't smoke pot.

tags: class classmates college pot WTF humor [add]

2013-08-07 21:31:21 / Rating: 271.75 /


One morning, I puked in my own lap while driving 75mph on a six-lane New Jersey thruway and the only thing I could do was keep driving, laugh, and call my mom.

tags: puke humor New Jersey [add]

2013-08-07 21:30:03 / Rating: 215 /


One day when I was four years old I started screaming and crying at the Dippin Dots stand because my mom told me I couldn't get any, so the guy just gave me some for free.

tags: humor irony childhood yummy dippin dots mom crying [add]

2013-08-07 21:29:16 / Rating: 261.25 /


As my wife told our daughter we couldn't get a puppy because they pee all over the place, my son peed on the carpet.

tags: children humor puppies pee [add]

2013-07-31 15:44:31 / Rating: 305.25 /


The most intense sexual experience I had so far this summer was accidentally seeing my boss' wiener.

tags: humor summer [add]

2013-07-24 14:25:08 / Rating: 170.5 /


I showed up early to band practice only to see all four of my male bandmates sitting in our drummer's basement under a common blanket eating Nutella and watching the Notebook.

tags: humor bandmates odd thenotebook nutella blanket band [add]

2013-07-10 11:45:05 / Rating: 293.25 /


It was only after I stepped in it that I realized where the smell was coming from.

tags: humor cat pee [add]

2013-06-04 19:02:35 / Rating: 237.5 /


When my parents told me they were divorcing, I asked if that meant I could get a kitten.

tags: divorce humor [add]

2013-04-14 19:52:48 / Rating: 309.5 /

It's not short for Abigail

I laughed when I learned that, in 1999, there were two hurricanes that occurred one after the other, with the same names as my parents.

tags: humor weird [add]

2013-03-12 17:36:15 / Rating: 392.5 /

Life in a mall

As I threw the bag into the trash can, I wondered if the bag would hit the fire alarm and set it off, which it did.

tags: in the mall humor fire fire alarm trash [add]

2012-10-16 15:54:19 / Rating: 551.25 /

Awkward Teen

Mom laughed and said, "I'm not going to let the doctor put you on ADHD meds. just so you can see if it helps you draw better!"

tags: ADHD drawing art humor medication [add]

2012-08-01 17:15:22 / Rating: 565.5 /

bird cop

We have a blue jay in our backyard whose breakfast consists of stolen cat food.

tags: humor bird theft [add]

2012-07-13 16:47:28 / Rating: 443.75 /

The Raven

My faith in humanity was restored when in the midst of a violent and graphic abortion protest, I saw a man in a baseball jersey with a sign that said "Go Mets."

tags: faith humanity mets humor protest baseball [add]

2012-05-29 09:39:33 / Rating: 611.25 /


Having successfully broken into his house, I fed his dog and did a load of laundry.

tags: humor illegal friendship [add]

2012-05-15 15:27:20 / Rating: 667 /


If my family is Christian, then why do I remember watching Sesame Street in Yiddish?

tags: humor religion grandparents childhood [add]

2012-04-17 11:45:29 / Rating: 501.75 /


I'm pretty sure "bleeding groin rash" were the last words I ever wanted to hear out of my father's mouth.

tags: too much information god dad humor [add]

2012-04-03 11:41:58 / Rating: 393.5 /


My grandmother called me the other day asking if I wanted any weed, because the man across the hall is selling it and she thought it was an excellent deal.

tags: humor family life [add]

2012-03-15 14:06:27 / Rating: 939.5 /


I didn't realize I had told the very chatty customer in my checkout line my last name until he sent me a message on Facebook to ask where I lived.

tags: stalker humor that scary moment when [add]

2012-02-28 15:06:01 / Rating: 396.25 /


It felt better to throw up two pounds of ice cream than it did to shovel it down.

tags: humor [add]

2012-01-30 09:40:01 / Rating: 566.75 /

Silent Red

When I was little, my aunt sent a clown with a balloon bouquet to my hospital room to cheer me up, and after the clown saw me, my mom had to spend an hour trying to get him to stop crying.

tags: childhood hospital humor clown [add]

2012-01-05 11:23:01 / Rating: 573.75 /

Sarah K

I spent new years eve rolling quarters with my mom while my dad was in the hospital for a glorified case of indigestion.

tags: humor 2012 new year hospital [add]

2012-01-05 11:16:56 / Rating: 285 /


I went to college to discover things about myself, not expecting to discover that I was lactose intolerant.

tags: college lactose myself humor [add]

2012-01-03 13:46:29 / Rating: 347.5 /


I went to college to discover things about myself, not expecting to discover that I was lactose intolerant.

tags: college humor [add]

2011-11-20 10:45:35 / Rating: 351.75 /


I was on my third glass of whiskey when the stray cat I let in out of the rain began giving birth to kittens on my couch.

tags: humor surreal cats drinking [add]

2011-11-11 15:10:16 / Rating: 703 /

Lucas Moore

When our Mayan tour guide took us off the trail and into the forest to see something unique, I wasn't expecting to see a four foot stone penis sculpture.

tags: humor mayan ruins tour mexico phalic [add]

2011-11-02 10:08:28 / Rating: 377.25 /


I had a dead squirrel in one hand, a screaming child in the other, soon replaced with cake, and then I realized my life had taken an odd turn.

tags: humor teaching life [add]

2011-10-18 16:27:38 / Rating: 308.75 /


A few miles outside of Manhattan, my father carried a collapsible lawn chair to the lower level of Macys at the Queens Center Mall.

tags: Father relationship longing grief musical love missing humor [add]

2011-10-13 23:04:05 / Rating: 358.25 /


I just walked in on my mom and neighbor smoking pot and felt so uncool.

tags: humor pot weed mom neighbor don't do drugs uncool opposite of cool [add]

2011-09-30 09:27:06 / Rating: 413.25 /


Today I had to break into my own home.

tags: humor locked out sad no key mom forgot [add]

2011-09-16 12:57:59 / Rating: 505.25 /


That night ended eventfully with one traumatized dog, two irritated parents, one hormonal crying teenager, and hundreds of gallons of water down the drain, but it's okay because my dog no longer has poop all over his body.

tags: humor dog poop rolled in things he wasn't supposed to water wasted water [add]

2011-08-29 08:15:13 / Rating: 534 /


I thought that she had said "Please take off your shirt", when the Russian neurologist had really said "Please take off your shoes".

tags: doctor humor embarrassment [add]

2011-08-20 08:26:22 / Rating: 498.5 /

I See Grandma

I was excited to climb out and meet her, but the window glass wasn't.

tags: humor childhood carelessness [add]

2011-08-10 17:48:42 / Rating: 503.75 /


Today I used a letter from the debt collector's office as proof of residence, in order to collect my new credit card.

tags: humor debt [add]

2011-08-04 10:57:03 / Rating: 551.5 /


When I was little my older brother convinced me that if I never farted I would blow up at the age of 34.

tags: brother humor childhood fart 34 [add]

2011-07-20 11:57:24 / Rating: 715.75 /


My mom thought I was pregnant when I sat down to talk with her, then gave a sigh of relief when I told her I'm gay.

tags: coming out gay mom humor [add]

2011-07-15 10:31:23 / Rating: 835.5 /


My dramatic exit was slightly diminished when I followed the door slam with "YUCK FOU."

tags: humor misspoke fight spoonerism [add]

2011-07-08 09:53:38 / Rating: 722.5 /

last connection

Sheltered from the hot sun, the woman cradled the little dog in her arms while her child crawled away from her, only connected by the child harness.

tags: humor dogs children summer [add]

2011-06-30 16:16:56 / Rating: 627 /


While my classmate's very Christian parents were fighting to ban Huckleberry Finn in English class for its profanity, my mom bought me a fictional book for my birthday detailing the lives of Japanese hookers and proceeded to think nothing of it.

tags: humor banned books mother religion [add]

2011-06-30 16:15:53 / Rating: 705.25 /

John Pappas

At my friend's bachelor party in Las Vegas, O.J. Simpson turned around to me at the bar we were at and said, "Tell your friend not to do it."

tags: humor bachelor vegas OJ [add]

2011-06-26 16:16:56 / Rating: 540.25 /


The entire film shoot was a disaster, except for that one day when a bunch of crackheads led us to the largest porn collection in New England.

tags: humor film shoot drugs [add]

2011-06-16 10:11:59 / Rating: 458 /


As a stripper, I never guessed we would be debating the preparation of ramen noodles in the private dance room.

tags: at work humor strange [add]

2011-06-02 14:18:09 / Rating: 602 /

Lorraine Rafols

I caught my 3-year old son doodling on the screen of the new LED TV when he uttered his first complete sentence of, "Draw only on paper mommy?"

tags: humor childhood caught-in-the-act love [add]

2011-06-02 14:17:22 / Rating: 670.5 /

... it's called a "corsage".

He inadvertently showed up with a croissant on prom night, and trying to keep with tradition, asked to tie it to his giggling date’s wrist.

tags: misunderstanding prom humor [add]

2011-05-17 10:36:27 / Rating: 834.25 /


Never again will I reply to a work email with "regards" because the letter g and t are too close together.

tags: humor work [add]

2011-05-12 09:30:29 / Rating: 1062 /


I realized my mother was a bit outdated the moment she asked the poor farm store boy if he had any "nice, healthy cocks."

tags: humor parents [add]

2011-05-11 15:48:57 / Rating: 627.75 /

Not a VIP

I just today realized that you had to pay admission to the art museum after years of my father telling me to walk right in and avoid the people in the uniforms.

tags: childhood humor art admission [add]

2011-05-09 13:56:43 / Rating: 877.5 /


The first thing he said when he woke up from his coma was, "Did I miss the election result?"

tags: politics Grandpa humor [add]

2011-05-06 15:13:48 / Rating: 570.5 /


He asked me if he could walk me to my door and I said "Oh god, I'm so sorry, are we on a date?"

tags: dating humor [add]

2011-04-22 14:14:25 / Rating: 763.5 /


All I remember was short men dressed as Oompa Loompas dancing around a candy table.

tags: humor bar mitzvah [add]

2011-04-18 15:27:07 / Rating: 445 /

Not a Smooth Operator

When she popped in the Al Green CD I assumed she was giving me the green light, but after I kissed her she broke the news that she had a boyfriend.

tags: failure humor miscommunication music [add]

2011-04-12 09:01:19 / Rating: 498.5 /


When my son was 5, he cried so hard when I told him he would one day die, but he cried much harder when I told him he'd be in school until he was 18.

tags: childhood death school humor [add]

2011-04-04 12:33:01 / Rating: 910.75 /

Little Sister

When my brother was eight years old, he walked into his speech therapist's office and told her, "I don't need your help anymore, I can speak just fine" in clear English.

tags: childhood humor brother [add]

2011-04-04 12:31:11 / Rating: 624 /


It was when my schizophrenic patient gave me a diamond ring for Christmas that I realized my friends were right all those years when they called me "flirty."

tags: humor love flirty friends [add]

2011-03-30 15:45:24 / Rating: 670.25 /


I'm racking my brain, trying to think if I've ever given him any indication that it's OK to poop in the backyard.

tags: motherhood son three year old humor [add]

2011-03-17 14:50:52 / Rating: 735.75 /


My grandmother asked me what my favourite part of "Titanic" was when we saw it at the movies when I was 6, and I replied, 'When everyone fell asleep in their floaties.'

tags: childhood humor [add]

2011-03-14 13:09:17 / Rating: 689.5 /


When I was a baby, my mother sucked the equivalent of half an ear of corn out of my nose with a bulb syringe.

tags: childhood humor food corn [add]

2011-03-09 11:12:32 / Rating: 565 /


It was only on the drive home that I realized that the woman I was trying to woo held the handshake just a little too long.

tags: humor romance dating stupidity [add]

2011-03-09 10:48:30 / Rating: 556 /

ironic, huh?

My therapist thinks I should become a therapist.

tags: irony therapy humor life [add]

2011-03-04 09:53:47 / Rating: 762 /

The oldest

My mother accidentally forgot my birth certificate for identification purposes and the rest of my family got on that plane to Jamaica, leaving me behind.

tags: travel humor family [add]

2011-02-24 13:14:59 / Rating: 566.5 /


My pantleg got sucked into an escalator when I was 18 months old, and at 21, I still hesitate for a second before stepping onto the moving stairs.

tags: humor childhood escalators fear [add]

2011-02-22 14:08:31 / Rating: 615.75 /

Sad Stumbling

In my over zealous rush to impress the hot blond in PE class, I foolishly paired up with my most uncoordinated friend for the two man potato sack race.

tags: humor childhood [add]

2011-02-15 13:42:53 / Rating: 571.25 /

Jacob Mc

It was only until after we had pooled our money together and bought 250 of them, that we realized Cadbury Eggs are an Easter candy, not a Valentine's Day one.

tags: candy valentine's day humor delicious anyway [add]

2011-02-14 13:14:25 / Rating: 549.5 /


Speaking English as a second language caused my father to mix up words and promptly apologize to a full lecture hall about being so constipated he could barely speak.

tags: congestion flu cold humor [add]

2011-02-10 15:09:51 / Rating: 645.75 /


"Don't worry, there isn't a fine associated with this citation," the officer said, "just a $25 processing fee."

tags: confused humor traffic police [add]

2011-02-08 20:36:14 / Rating: 539.5 /


UPS called to notify me that the chains for my tires to get me through the ice storm would not be delivered yet due to adverse weather conditions.

tags: humor ironic irony opposite weather car chain delivery ice storm snow UPS notify adverse [add]

2011-02-01 10:49:27 / Rating: 747.75 /


In the kitchen cutlery aisle, we smiled politely at the little old lady who leaned in close to tell us 'you can never have too many knives'.

tags: humor [add]

2011-01-31 13:14:26 / Rating: 619.25 /


I got an email from a client this morning telling me that they had no internet access.

tags: humor computer technical support helpdesk ID10T [add]

2011-01-26 13:24:03 / Rating: 652.75 /

Not awkward

"Let's all be naked when he gets back in the car" was the best idea he's ever had.

tags: humor naked wtf [add]

2011-01-26 11:52:45 / Rating: 730.75 /


I couldn't understand why they all laughed at me when I suggested that Morse Code should be put on doors for blind people.

tags: humor [add]

2011-01-25 08:58:02 / Rating: 467.25 /


It really was a logical question when my 4 year old son asked, "If there is a Godzilla, is there a Jesuszilla?"

tags: humor children weird logic [add]

2011-01-24 12:19:42 / Rating: 944 /

Embarrassed, but somehow charmed

"I wrote a poem for you," he said, then proceeded to read "Ode to your cleavage."

tags: humor poem dating cleavage I really do have some nice cleavage [add]

2011-01-21 19:21:51 / Rating: 670.75 /


Someone who will spend five dollars to mail you an unpackaged banana is someone who deserves to stay in your life for a while, if only to make it a bit more interesting.

tags: humor friendship [add]

2011-01-21 19:21:38 / Rating: 694.25 /

John Smith

I honestly had no idea that it was my girlfriend's mom in the car behind me when I flipped her off.

tags: humor awkward the bird. [add]

2011-01-21 19:20:12 / Rating: 515.5 /

Brian R.

The pee was on the seat when I got there, but telling you this in passing has been a major setback in me getting your phone number tonight.

tags: flirting humor awkward [add]

2011-01-14 13:18:21 / Rating: 510.75 /


Sitting next to my stepdad as I watched the trailer for a movie about a killer stepdad, we laughed, and I realized how much I lucked out.

tags: humor gratitude [add]

2011-01-14 13:17:36 / Rating: 545 /


My mother cooked our Thanksgiving dinner on the kitchen counter that I sat on butt-naked, last night, as my tea brewed.

tags: mothers Thanksgiving tea naked birthday suit kitchen counter probably dirty oh well oops humor cooking [add]

2011-01-14 12:33:40 / Rating: 638.5 /


I pulled on the strange red cord hanging in the handicapped stall in the London hotel bathroom, and figured out what it was for moments later when a frantic employee rushed in, calling, "Are you all right?"

tags: humor travel dumb American [add]

2011-01-06 16:35:43 / Rating: 552.75 /

Theatre Girl

I was mildly interested to realize that, in a theatre camp group having two male instructors, two male counselors, and two female counselors, there was not a person among us who liked women.

tags: theatre homosexuality camp humor [add]

2011-01-06 16:35:34 / Rating: 555.5 /


My mother says she doesn't know why is marijuana such a problem, because for her it's just a "relaxing herb."

tags: humor mother weed drugs [add]

2011-01-06 16:32:35 / Rating: 580.75 /

Peter Licari

Frankly, it's awkward when you find out the "random jerk" who rear-ended your new car two hours ago is also your new girlfriend's father.

tags: humor awkward relationships dating [add]

2011-01-06 09:42:55 / Rating: 564.5 /

That Guy

The sign said "Out of order," but I really had to pee.

tags: bathroom humor [add]

2011-01-04 09:36:47 / Rating: 495 /


There is no classy way to ask the dentist for his phone number.

tags: dentist humor awkward [add]

2011-01-04 09:36:27 / Rating: 552 /

Ha. Sorry.

It wasn't until my teacher didn't show up for class that I realized I should've woken him up before leaving his apartment that morning.

tags: humor teacher student school [add]

2011-01-04 09:34:01 / Rating: 1138.75 /


My mom hides my Christmas presents better than she hides her sex toys.

tags: humor Christmas embarrassing [add]

2010-12-23 13:52:41 / Rating: 877.25 /

Libby Lepellier

I took the last clean fork and the last clean spoon and ate the last of the Top Ramen on the last day of the week, the last day of school before vacation.

tags: last time friday eat humor top ramen [add]

2010-12-19 22:22:48 / Rating: 515 /

Mr. Romance

It wasn't until she pulled out her homework that I realized that we were not actually on a date.

tags: humor dating oops [add]

2010-12-06 15:09:41 / Rating: 848 /


I asked her the time, and she said "No sweetie, it's Tuesday."

tags: humor [add]

2010-12-06 15:09:26 / Rating: 453.75 /


Even before getting completely stoned with my dad, uncle, and cousins that Thanksgiving, I knew I had the best family on earth.

tags: humor weed drugs family Thanksgiving [add]

2010-12-06 13:29:23 / Rating: 760.75 /


I may regret sleeping with him, but I still think that it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard when he said he was taking Computational Origami.

tags: one night stand computational origami mit grad student regret humor [add]

2010-11-22 15:58:57 / Rating: 683.25 /

Pola Von Slouch

I was looking for a new and funky hairstyle and thought I found one on google images until I realised that when I clicked on it, it took me to a 'White Pride' website, and now I'm seriously questioning my taste in hairstyles.

tags: hairstyles racism unexpected humor oh no! [add]

2010-11-22 15:54:47 / Rating: 652.25 /


My British boyfriend broke up with me after months of refusing to spell color with a u.

tags: British humor cute sorry England [add]

2010-11-22 15:54:05 / Rating: 767.75 /


Six o'clock in the morning found me staring at my bra and wondering just how I was going to put it on without taking off my hoodie and exposing my flesh to the frigid winter air.

tags: humor winter cold bra morning puzzles [add]

2010-11-18 10:36:27 / Rating: 783.75 /


While six months pregnant and sitting in a full doctor's waiting room, the four-year-old I was babysitting declared in her loudest voice, "Your BOOBIES are getting bigger!"

tags: mortifying humor BOOBS [add]

2010-11-16 11:57:52 / Rating: 597.5 /


Hopefully, my streak of having to call 911 on Thanksgiving will not continue this year.

tags: candles danger choking fire hair lit on fire humor [add]

2010-11-15 12:56:06 / Rating: 563.25 /


When I came home my daughter ran up to me and said, "Grandma taught me to burp the alphabet!".

tags: humor childhood motherhood grandmother [add]

2010-11-12 14:59:41 / Rating: 715 /


The man I love proposed to me whilst hanging upside-down from a tree.

tags: proposal love humor eccentric [add]

2010-11-11 13:21:36 / Rating: 952.75 /


Clicking "publish" on that article about toilet paper convinced me that being an editor is terrible for my soul.

tags: humor toilet paper work editing [add]

2010-11-04 12:21:00 / Rating: 520 /


Three years ago, I was so ecstatic to be playing with the less talented, B-team football players that I broke my hip on the third play of the game.

tags: childhood humor [add]

2010-11-01 14:28:23 / Rating: 410.75 /


When I was 4, I thought my dad's mace/pepper-spray mix was breath spray.

tags: childhood mistakes OUCH! humor don't try this yourself [add]

2010-10-27 10:39:42 / Rating: 343.75 /


I was hastily packed, and we were off to Argentina - but first, my father fell off the roof and landed directly on our potted cactus.

tags: childhood humor vacation ouch [add]

2010-10-27 10:38:49 / Rating: 468.5 /

Color N'dLines

I knew she was a true friend after we held hands under the stalls and peed together.

tags: humor [add]

2010-10-27 10:06:39 / Rating: 369.75 /

Less Popular

I felt so happy to see "16 new notifications" on Facebook before I realized that I was logged in as my dad.

tags: facebook popularity pathetic humor [add]

2010-10-27 10:06:04 / Rating: 572 /


I'll never forget the expression on the cashier's face as I bought laxatives and Immodium together.

tags: humor [add]

2010-10-07 16:16:51 / Rating: 372 /


Although my parents and the police had spent three frantic hours looking for me, my mother had the presence of mind to take a photograph when they found me fast asleep under my bed.

tags: childhood humor missing panic [add]

2010-09-23 13:36:39 / Rating: 632 /

A mystery

To this day, I still have no idea what happened to my favorite bra.

tags: ex-boyfriend moving out humor lost [add]

2010-09-22 14:23:04 / Rating: 443.75 /


My mom joked, "Tell the interviewer, 'I love children, especially with noodles!'"

tags: humor mom mother children job interview [add]

2010-09-16 14:26:04 / Rating: 539.75 /


Water Aerobics: 30% working out 70% floating around gossiping.

tags: humor water lifeguard work [add]

2010-09-09 08:28:16 / Rating: 601.25 /

Jacque Lynn Schiller, summer, 2010

Darling Nikki was probably not the best song choice for family karaoke, Christmas, 1984.

tags: childhood humor music prince sex [add]

2010-09-09 08:25:06 / Rating: 533 /


My dad couldn't remember what type of animal was on the hood ornament of a Jaguar.

tags: humor dad automotive dumb [add]

2010-08-31 12:14:35 / Rating: 546 /


The funny looks from my wife and the lack of morning traffic on the way to work should have clued me in, but it wasn't until I saw the empty parking out that I realized it was Saturday.

tags: oops humor work military [add]

2010-08-31 12:12:39 / Rating: 580.75 /


I asked if I was alive when my younger brother was born.

tags: humor childhood [add]

2010-08-17 14:33:50 / Rating: 505.75 /


He looked at me with the most serious face and said "Ali, I'm about to tell you something very important, no matter how good it smells, NEVER try eating shampoo".

tags: humor advice [add]

2010-08-17 10:40:06 / Rating: 569 /


As I sat curled up in his arms, I couldn't help but laugh when this cute scrawny boy said, "Don't worry, I won't seduce you."

tags: seduction humor [add]

2010-08-10 16:50:46 / Rating: 670.75 /


Shortly after telling us we needed to lose weight, my grandma was offended that we didn't want all three desserts she had prepared.

tags: grandmother family humor irony food [add]

2010-08-05 12:24:14 / Rating: 743.25 /


I was annoyed at the old man in front of me as he drove 10 mph under the speed limit, but then I saw the cop hiding around the corner.

tags: humor gratitude [add]

2010-08-05 12:22:18 / Rating: 454.5 /


The look on her face was priceless when I bought whipped cream and a pregnancy test at the same time.

tags: humor pregnancy scare [add]

2010-07-28 15:52:15 / Rating: 424 /


I once gave a report for my writing class in which I explained how Alanis Morrissette's song Ironic used Irony incorrectly as a way of explaining irony, which I thought was in itself ironic.

tags: humor irony [add]

2010-07-28 14:55:06 / Rating: 707.75 /

Hello there

The dog was cute, but her owner was even cuter.

tags: humor dog [add]

2010-07-21 14:29:15 / Rating: 490 /


No one believes me when I tell them my boyfriend's mom broke her foot playing solitaire, even though its completely true.

tags: humor solitaire family ouch [add]

2010-07-21 14:25:40 / Rating: 502.25 /


At the age of eight, I learned the valuable lesson of not looking into a tube of super glue as you squeeze it.

tags: childhood humor lessons [add]

2010-07-21 14:19:50 / Rating: 528.75 /


I heard a sharp cry and opened the door to see a Rottweiler cowering in the corner and my five pound cat standing triumphant.

tags: pets humor impossible [add]

2010-07-19 16:00:57 / Rating: 709.75 /


In much the same way a matchmaking mother might say, "He's a nice Jewish boy, and he's a doctor," I said, "He's an atheist, and he juggles!"

tags: matchmaking parallels humor [add]

2010-07-19 15:58:47 / Rating: 627 /


When I came out to my dad, he was majorly pissed that I had found a loophole in the "No boys 'till you're 27" rule.

tags: gay lesbian humor coming out parents [add]

2010-07-14 09:25:06 / Rating: 1158.25 /


Nothing will change your daily routine faster than moving into a volunteer commune with 300 people and 3 outdoor, unheated showers.

tags: Katrina humor [add]

2010-07-09 14:18:37 / Rating: 383.25 /


I broke the toilet seat cover on an airplane because I was trying to flush by pushing the handle down with my foot and my foot slipped, came down on the cover, shattering its hinges.

tags: humor stupid embarrassing secret [add]

2010-07-06 13:46:35 / Rating: 399 /


Honest to Pete, he was weedwacking with a chainsaw and picking his nose, shirtless.

tags: humor [add]

2010-06-25 11:14:52 / Rating: 495.25 /


I gave up on trying to compete with my brother the day he actually became a rocket scientist.

tags: humor [add]

2010-06-21 14:05:06 / Rating: 1013.5 /

Oliver's Army

Imagine my embarrassment, when losing patience with the deli woman's consistently nodding 'No' to my food orders, when I discovered she had Parkinson's.

tags: humor embarassed mistake misunderstanding [add]

2010-06-18 14:41:46 / Rating: 446.25 /

r.i.p. Cinnamon

The day my beloved cat died, my best friend asked me, "Well, did he leave you something in the will?" and my day was a whole lot better.

tags: humor death happiness/sadness best friend [add]

2010-06-08 12:09:17 / Rating: 790.25 /

miss milwaukee's nameless

In his pocket he had a condom, a condom wraper, two broken pens, his mother's pink iPod, a lighter, and a broken cigarette, but no keys.

tags: damnit locked out humor [add]

2010-06-08 12:03:05 / Rating: 412 /

Jane Doe

When I found out I didn't know his real name four months into dating, I knew it probably wasn't going to work out.

tags: humor dating relationships [add]

2010-06-08 11:42:38 / Rating: 497.25 /


As my mom drove away, after backing into the corner of our fenced in yard with our 15-passenger van, she yelled at us, "FIX THE FENCE!"

tags: humor crash mom mothers mother driving fence fences fix van yelling yelled driving drove corner [add]

2010-06-08 11:42:09 / Rating: 591.75 /


After surfing dozens of porn sites and downloading thousands of songs illegally, I finally got a virus on my laptop from a website containing quotes from the Bible.

tags: humor irony religion technology computer [add]

2010-05-24 15:27:24 / Rating: 1301 /


My brother cried and quoted a Barbara Streisand song the day he called to tell me he'd accepted my sexuality.

tags: humor irony gay coming out [add]

2010-05-24 15:24:23 / Rating: 691.25 /


As I heard "maybe we should just be friends" for the 14th time in 4 years I began to think my current approach wasn't working.

tags: friends girlfriends humor [add]

2010-05-18 16:03:14 / Rating: 586 /


When my boyfriend's 7-year-old sister whispered into my ear that she "wanted an innocent boy, not someone who gets arrested" I knew she would turn out okay after all.

tags: sister humor worried growing up too fast [add]

2010-05-17 14:43:02 / Rating: 542.25 /


I worked 8 hours today stocking a store, complete with lifting, bending, stretching, only to throw out my back while flushing the toilet at home.

tags: humor health pain toilet [add]

2010-05-11 14:40:03 / Rating: 585.75 /

really, I'm happy with two

When I was pregnant I used to think feeling the baby move was gas, but now whenever I have gas I think I'm pregnant.

tags: pregnancy movement gas humor [add]

2010-05-07 16:01:05 / Rating: 610.5 /


My aunt taught me to drive in the cemetery because "I couldn't hurt anyone in there."

tags: driving humor [add]

2010-05-07 15:55:45 / Rating: 897.25 /


A 5'2" mother becomes a very imposing figure when angered while holding a vegetable knife.

tags: humor parents childhood [add]

2010-05-07 15:53:04 / Rating: 542.5 /


Until that day, I never quite understood the feelings of the author of the onesentence that read, "The spare was flat, too."

tags: humor me too understanding meta [add]

2010-05-07 15:51:10 / Rating: 557.75 /


Over the sound of my neighbor vomiting, I heard his friend tell him, "Hey, to help you throw up more, picture venereal diseases!"

tags: humor wtf? college life [add]

2010-05-06 15:09:31 / Rating: 424.25 /

Accidental fugitive

Upon seeing the university police stroll into my apartment looking for me for the third time in as many months, I decided that I was in fact ready to graduate.

tags: college "criminal activity" humor moving on [add]

2010-05-06 15:03:20 / Rating: 462.5 /

365 Brand New Days

One Halloween when I was little, before I knew any dirty words, my family dressed my puppy up in a skeleton costume so I called him a "boner."

tags: humor Halloween childhood costume [add]

2010-05-05 14:31:01 / Rating: 646.75 /


"Look at all the stars!", I said in awe, to which he replied, as he peed in the bushes, "Where?"

tags: humor night of drinking most I've ever laughed stars love [add]

2010-04-15 15:23:05 / Rating: 596.5 /


While watching my brother-in-law use my childhood Bible to roll a joint, I realized we are probably going to hell.

tags: religious drugs humor bible [add]

2010-04-14 16:38:15 / Rating: 812.25 /

Nom de Plume

After the third fire alarm of the week, we stopped evacuating the building, because we figured the cold outside would probably kill us faster than the little infernos in the cafeteria downstairs.

tags: fire fire drill risking death humor college [add]

2010-04-13 14:42:32 / Rating: 528.75 /


I hit a born-again Christian with a fossil and was later informed I needed to credit a comedian for that moment in my life.

tags: wait what? humor fossil Christian aethiest science vs religion [add]

2010-04-13 14:38:54 / Rating: 473 /

Mrs. T

After falling out of the shower and bashing my head on the toilet, I realized that the shower is, in fact, NOT the best place to try and learn the "Running Man" dance.

tags: humor childhood dancing injury embarassing [add]

2010-04-13 14:11:57 / Rating: 755 /

Hard Head

In a fit of rage I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and yanked him down so I could look him square in the eye, only to accidentally slam our heads together and knock us both out briefly.

tags: humor forgot what I was mad about boyfriend headbutt [add]

2010-04-09 15:09:57 / Rating: 499 /


I never thought that one day I would come home to a fire truck in my drive way and my dad valiantly dousing the trees with a hose after our burn pile shifted to the woods, but it has made an excellent dinner story at every family gathering since.

tags: humor fire dad sleeping on the job [add]

2010-04-02 11:23:55 / Rating: 458.25 /


I'll never forget the day my mom turned to me out of the blue and informed me, "When I die, I want everyone to dress as clowns at my funeral."

tags: funeral humor clowns mom [add]

2010-03-23 16:14:06 / Rating: 894.75 /


If you you drink too much and ask your sorority sister to kiss you, they will never let you forget it, even if you can't remember it.

tags: drunk college humor [add]

2010-03-19 09:52:20 / Rating: 491 /


I will admit I defiled the tradition and sacredness of Mustache March by shaving mine off.

tags: mustache march humor awesome [add]

2010-03-19 09:52:06 / Rating: 425.75 /


I knew he was the one to keep when our second date, during which I accidentally gave him a facial scar with my teeth, was not the last.

tags: scar humor fun angel the one partner relationships WesterCon [add]

2010-03-13 22:20:33 / Rating: 459.25 /


This morning, my dad was doing the laundry and my stepmom was fixing the pipes.

tags: humor family [add]

2010-03-11 16:15:50 / Rating: 618.25 /

for real though?

I curled up in bed after my shower, naked as the day I was born, not expecting the fire alarm to go off at 4 am in my co-ed dorm.

tags: humor college naked fire alarm [add]

2010-03-11 16:13:41 / Rating: 577 /


When he told his four-year-old daughter that the doctor just needed to look at her eyes to make sure they were okay, she whispered, "Will he put them back in when he's done looking at them?"

tags: child eyes health humor misunderstanding [add]

2010-03-05 14:15:31 / Rating: 875.25 /


Right before the janitor turned the lights in the classroom on, we feigned sleep thinking she wouldn't know we were making out.

tags: humor second base high school [add]

2010-03-04 15:59:38 / Rating: 383.5 /


It wasn't until after I discovered the 3D glasses from "Avatar" still in my purse that I realized I had accidentally dropped my $40 sunglasses into the recycling bin instead.

tags: humor movies accident sunglasses [add]

2010-03-03 10:35:59 / Rating: 689 /


While my mother and her boyfriend were upstairs I quietly removed his size 34 jacket from the back of the chair and replaced it with my nearly identical size 46.

tags: humor size mother youth conflict [add]

2010-03-03 10:34:32 / Rating: 450.75 /


The day I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder was the day I chased my best friend down the street with a butterfly knife.

tags: odd humor sad awkward [add]

2010-03-02 13:30:58 / Rating: 521.5 /

A blonde moment

Attempting to blow out a candle with Listerine in my mouth was a bad idea.

tags: humor blonde absent-minded [add]

2010-02-17 16:01:48 / Rating: 512.25 /

Minty fresh.

I experienced the concequences of failing to label the tupparware tubs containing both toothpaste and sunblock.

tags: humor camp spearmint skin UV retardant teeth [add]

2010-02-09 12:26:45 / Rating: 440.5 /

When English teachers go bad

I used to demand a new world order in flawless iambic pentameter, but now I'd settle for one in sixteen-syllable haiku.

tags: school teaching humor [add]

2010-02-09 12:24:36 / Rating: 522.25 /

Naked Cookie Monster

I just wanted a cookie from the top shelf that morning in 1979, but ended up with a dislocated knee, a broken arm and a rusty nail through my penis.

tags: childhood naked accident humor cookie penis [add]

2010-02-09 12:23:55 / Rating: 764 /


Thanks to my brother, you'll no longer get detention for having blue hair.

tags: humor hair dye breaking the rules changing the rules brother [add]

2010-02-01 11:21:40 / Rating: 617.75 /


When I came home late and found the lawnmower in my bed, I realized my dad wasn't kidding when he said he wanted the grass mowed "today."

tags: humor dad teen lawnmower [add]

2010-01-27 09:32:14 / Rating: 861.75 /

Caught with my pants down

Discovering that window washers do still exist and discovering that I had no idea where my pants were happened at the exact same moment.

tags: window washer surprise shower no pants humor [add]

2010-01-22 09:14:14 / Rating: 693 /


Today my son not only discovered that he can avoid taking a nap by climbing out of the crib, but also, if he is extra quite and doesn't wake up mommy, he can climb the fridge to eat the rest of the Christmas candy.

tags: monster child humor nap time graveyard shift [add]

2010-01-19 15:34:32 / Rating: 415 /


I said no to the coffee but yes to the date.

tags: coffee date humor relationships taste [add]

2010-01-18 17:15:32 / Rating: 520 /


That's when I looked down and realized my fake nail had somehow caught fire, and no one was around to witness it but my fish.

tags: humor funny life [add]

2010-01-14 11:09:41 / Rating: 605.25 /

Chrinda Jones

As the door to the Taco Bell restroom came crashing over top of me, all I could think to say to him was "I said I'd be out in a minute."

tags: true life humor [add]

2010-01-13 13:30:19 / Rating: 393.5 /


I realized the crumbled bit of pill left over resembled a cookie, and laughed out loud at the image of the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street gobbling up Lorazepam.

tags: humor [add]

2010-01-11 16:07:31 / Rating: 372.25 /

Red Nails

Fast-drying nail varnish doesn't seem like such a great idea when it's splattered all over the leather sofa.

tags: humor nail varnish oops [add]

2010-01-11 16:06:47 / Rating: 408.5 /


The thing about dropping your toothbrush in a toilet is that you only get one toothbrush at boot camp.

tags: toothbrush boot camp army humor [add]

2010-01-07 16:03:46 / Rating: 572 /


After one look into his bloodshot eyes, I instantly regretted not tipping the pizza delivery boy in weed.

tags: stoner humor pizza [add]

2010-01-05 15:44:22 / Rating: 551.25 /


Someone had a piano that was broken, and someone else had a bunch of land, so that inevitably led to a very well-attended piano burning party late one night.

tags: humor memories fun summer weird [add]

2010-01-05 15:42:37 / Rating: 654 /


You know it is time to clean out your garage when you find a box of live kittens in it.

tags: humor kittens garage [add]

2010-01-04 12:00:54 / Rating: 688 /


She mis-dialed my number and ended up talking to a very excited 5 year old with the same name.

tags: humor the little mermaid ariel [add]

2009-12-30 09:07:56 / Rating: 539.75 /

S. Wofford

She confessed afterwards that she had never seen a real life spit-take until she had dinner with my family.

tags: family laughter humor friends [add]

2009-12-28 15:26:00 / Rating: 486.25 /

IT Guy

Sick of having Outlook tell me my Dell Optiplex was a potpie, I added it to the dictionary.

tags: humor computer [add]

2009-12-28 15:25:12 / Rating: 484.25 /

Miss not Mrs

As he gently caressed me his video game shouted out, "HOSTILE CONTACT!"

tags: humor romance video game [add]

2009-12-15 22:37:06 / Rating: 892.5 /

Lauren NM.

While studying for the SATs my friend became so frustrated she pulled a knife and stabbed our study book.

tags: humor studying knives Mr. Johnstone [add]

2009-12-15 22:35:06 / Rating: 601.75 /

I couldn't help but smile as my third grader threw the ball through the hoop and yelled, ''Touchdown!''

tags: kids humor [add]

2009-12-15 22:34:47 / Rating: 533 /


Only after stepping on a lego in the middle of the night and ignoring the pain in order not to wake up the little princess I was carrying to bed did I realize that I was really a dad and not just a father.

tags: dad parenthood humor lego [add]

2009-12-07 16:51:40 / Rating: 1441 /

Miss Delaney

In the middle of my fifth winter, I slipped and fell and cracked my head open on a set of cement stairs because I thought the paint on the railings was wet.

tags: childhood humor wet paint ice railings stairs klutzy [add]

2009-12-04 08:58:15 / Rating: 547 /


Good friends cover your naked ass when you throw your back out while in the shower, but best friends laugh hysterically and make grandma jokes first.

tags: humor pain humiliation friends too young to be a grandma [add]

2009-12-04 08:53:07 / Rating: 728.25 /


To her credit, she didn't eat the one that fell on the floor.

tags: humor [add]

2009-11-30 13:01:38 / Rating: 364.5 /

Rinse... not shampoo

Standing naked in a shower, in a foreign land, I realized I bought conditioner, not shampoo, AGAIN.

tags: humor shower naked shampoo conditioner translate [add]

2009-11-30 12:55:56 / Rating: 591.75 /

Ok fine, her name doesn't actually have the comma and exclamation mark in it...

My sister's name backwards is "Ah, Satan!"

tags: humor revenge teasing silly brother sister teenage [add]

2009-11-23 16:40:06 / Rating: 849.5 /


The first time I ever shaved, my dad said, "Be careful, the razors are razor-sharp."

tags: dad humor shaving [add]

2009-11-23 16:38:45 / Rating: 516.75 /


On my coming out to my mother, she told the whole family, adding that if they had a problem with it, she would have no problem burying them, dead or alive.

tags: gay humor parenting [add]

2009-11-19 09:48:37 / Rating: 4666.75 /

Jim Panzee

It was only when we started using webcams for phone conferencing at work that I learned how to yawn without opening my mouth.

tags: humor business yawn [add]

2009-11-10 09:24:17 / Rating: 565.5 /

Bored of Boredom

I was already halfway through the mustard-on-a-bun when I realized I forgot to put the hotdog on it.

tags: tired camping hotdogs stupid humor [add]

2009-11-10 09:22:24 / Rating: 521.75 /

crash and boom

Narrowly avoiding being hit by the car, I yelled, "Hey, this is a one-way street!" and he yelled back, "I am only going one way!"

tags: cars signs humor laughter [add]

2009-11-06 14:29:39 / Rating: 669 /

miss milwaukee's nameless

While trick-or-treating, my four-year-old nephew received a plastic baggy full of dirty pennies.

tags: humor halloween stay classy milwaukee [add]

2009-11-06 14:13:17 / Rating: 361.75 /


I got written up for being insubordinate for refusing to pick up the dead beaver carcass.

tags: humor stupid boss not my job [add]

2009-11-02 14:42:35 / Rating: 345 /


I prayed that when she returned from the ladies room she'd be too drunk to notice that I had abandoned not only her, but also her purse.

tags: humor oops bar [add]

2009-10-27 14:09:48 / Rating: 377.5 /


And then her grandmother walked in and just started laughing!

tags: humor teen sex [add]

2009-10-27 12:38:34 / Rating: 470.5 /


My mother stopped buying me Barbies when I was a child after she found them hanging by their necks from the stairwell.

tags: childhood humor imagination [add]

2009-10-26 13:10:46 / Rating: 542.75 /


I ate a baked potato like an apple, because I was too lazy to go downstairs for a fork.

tags: food humor story of my life lazy [add]

2009-10-22 20:46:29 / Rating: 541.5 /


After playing dollhouse with my goldfish for the fourth time, my mother finally decided to buy me a hamster.

tags: childhood humor [add]

2009-10-19 14:49:04 / Rating: 456 /


My english teacher said if we got enough sentences published we could count it as our midterm.

tags: humor school writing class mr. johnstone [add]

2009-10-19 14:05:28 / Rating: 588.75 /


I know he had fun because he yelled "SHAM-WOW!" at the end.

tags: humor relationships [add]

2009-10-15 20:12:34 / Rating: 381.25 /


It was probably inappropriate to laugh when the preacher tripped over the alterboy.

tags: humor religion [add]

2009-10-15 20:12:07 / Rating: 553.5 /


How was I supposed to explain to my co-workers that the wet spots on my pants were caused by a mosquito flying all around the urinal?

tags: humor bathroom [add]

2009-10-12 12:03:37 / Rating: 401.5 /


Mom unknowingly ate the mushroom chocolates I left in the fridge after the music festival.

tags: humor music festival parents trip [add]

2009-10-12 12:03:22 / Rating: 624.75 /


I once cut my friend's hair for free, but he complained so much during the haircut that I shaved letters into the side of his head.

tags: haircut humor complain [add]

2009-10-12 12:03:14 / Rating: 375 /

Deedee Knickerbocker

Nothing is more awkwardly fulfilling than having a child prefer you over their own mother.

tags: humor children honesty boss no raise karma [add]

2009-10-12 12:00:08 / Rating: 669.25 /


I should have known he was bad news when he told me he used to pour milk in his bed and sleep in it.

tags: humor breakup ex crazy milk sleep [add]

2009-10-12 11:59:03 / Rating: 510.75 /


I remember fighting with my sisters over who would make what breakfast item, when my mother finally had it and yelled "You make the grits and I'll cut the cheese!"

tags: breakfast grits cheese humor childhood rofl [add]

2009-10-06 20:34:33 / Rating: 506.5 /


I wasn't even drunk when I pushed the liquor store's shopping cart into the night manager's car.

tags: drunk humor car accidents [add]

2009-10-06 20:32:06 / Rating: 374 /


After I circled B for the tenth time, I had to wonder if I was getting all the answers wrong or if my teacher had a sick sense of humor.

tags: multiple choice test humor teacher [add]

2009-09-24 15:33:22 / Rating: 1011.5 /

Backseat, windows up...

It wasn't until I looked on the floor in the backseat of my car that I realized my lacy black thong was still on the floor from two nights ago.

tags: humor car panties thong embarrassed who else saw? went to dinner with dad [add]

2009-09-22 13:09:21 / Rating: 484.5 /


On my very first camping trip, I learned that if I drop a dead caterpillar in my mom's coffee, she will not only not get mad at me, but she will also still drink the coffee.

tags: humor mistake childhood mom [add]

2009-09-21 11:54:58 / Rating: 649.25 /

Not Meant For Apartment Living

My neighbor just casually returned two pairs of panties that I'd left in the shared washing machine.

tags: oops laundry panties embarrassment humor apartment neighbor awkward [add]

2009-09-21 10:02:58 / Rating: 497 /

Bored of Boredom

I didn't understand what was so funny until I realized a Bachelors of Journalism from Fontbonne University is a "BJ from FU".

tags: humor college embarassing degrees [add]

2009-09-21 10:02:27 / Rating: 658.75 /

Mia Moore

I was trying to be funny by pointing out to my boyfriend that his girlfriend is such a dork, but it came out better than expected when I told him "Your dork is such a girlfriend."

tags: humor dork girlfriend [add]

2009-09-18 15:17:45 / Rating: 477.75 /


As I tried to tag a sentence I submitted, my computer suggested the tags "sex, poison ivy, humor, feet" and I can't remember ever submitting a sentence that would include those four things.

tags: sex poison ivy humor feet meta [add]

2009-09-18 15:14:56 / Rating: 517.25 /

Dog Sets it Off

My dog set the security alarm off, and as a result, 32 policemen with 8 police cars rushed to my house.

tags: dog security humor [add]

2009-09-17 14:38:03 / Rating: 442 /


My rider friend assures me that 'Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear' is about the LAST thing you want to see when the mirror's on your motorcycle and the object is an irritable grizzly bear.

tags: biker humor motorcycle bear [add]

2009-09-17 14:34:46 / Rating: 532.25 /

Atleast we made some new friends

We realized as we went up to pay our respects, that though they shared the same name and everyone was very friendly, we were obviously at the wrong funeral.

tags: funeral obituary humor embarrassed [add]

2009-09-14 11:17:24 / Rating: 960.25 /

Fired by God

Today I was fired from Barnes and Noble because a customer complained that I had stocked Christian Bibles in the fiction section.

tags: Bible humor books work [add]

2009-09-14 11:14:14 / Rating: 965.5 /


Coincidentally I met the next man I would love on the same night the last man I loved cheated on me.

tags: love cheating humor irony [add]

2009-09-08 13:41:50 / Rating: 586.75 /

Café Chick

When asked how he could be certain the speaker had blown, Dad dramatically explained (with grandiose arm gestures) that, "I plugged it in and all I heard was nothing".

tags: humor sound equipment explanations broken [add]

2009-09-08 11:27:08 / Rating: 387.5 /


My sister caught me eating the callus I'd peeled off the bottom of my foot, and that was the end of that habit.

tags: gross humor childhood [add]

2009-09-02 08:38:12 / Rating: 554.5 /


My sister's comment that her new computer had a 1GB harddrive confirmed my suspicions that she didn't know enough about computers to make such a purchase.

tags: humor technology family [add]

2009-09-02 07:36:50 / Rating: 498.25 /


I froze in utter awkwardness as the gas station attendant told me to stand very still, leaned towards my face with a soft look of concentration in his eyes, raised his hand slowly to my face as if to caress it, and then flicked frantically at a wasp stuck in my bangs.

tags: humor [add]

2009-08-30 21:39:38 / Rating: 484.75 /

amused veterinarian

Pointing to the penis, I assured my client that her dog was, in fact, a male not a female, and encouraged her to forgo the bedtime kiss on his "belly button."

tags: humor animals dogs [add]

2009-08-20 10:13:09 / Rating: 815 /


When Mom confessed her ice cream weakness by telling her friends at the beauty parlor that she loved Dove Bars, one lady gasped, "You eat SOAP?!"

tags: humor Mom gossip beauty parlor [add]

2009-08-20 10:08:50 / Rating: 450 /


I kept screaming, thinking I'd gone blind, until my mom rushed into my room and told me to open my eyes.

tags: childhood humor [add]

2009-08-20 10:00:21 / Rating: 553 /


Thinking that a wedgie was a kind of cookie, I eagerly accepted one.

tags: humor childhood naive [add]

2009-08-12 10:31:40 / Rating: 632 /

Reluctant dad

True parenting is going out into the rain to search through the paper recycling bin by torchlight for your son's missing collectible trading cards, and then resisting the urge to strangle him when he finds they were in his coat pocket all the time.

tags: humor parent trading cards children [add]

2009-08-10 10:15:33 / Rating: 764.75 /


I am fairly certain I accidentally flashed my high school principal and her dinner party while taking a shower

tags: humor oops shower neighbor [add]

2009-08-06 14:11:06 / Rating: 441 /


My 46-year-old father chipped his tooth pretending he was Jimi Hendrix.

tags: humor guitar immature parents [add]

2009-07-29 12:18:07 / Rating: 432.25 /


I would have enjoyed meeting my father's grandfather, the one who used to get drunk and dress up in his wife's clothes.

tags: family humor crossdressing [add]

2009-07-29 09:00:49 / Rating: 479.25 /

You'da Done It

My wallet and gas tank were both 100% empty, but my journey home was sponsored by a ninety-year-old man who paid me $5 to flash him in the crowded parking lot of the gas station.

tags: elderly stranded teenager humor [add]

2009-07-27 20:11:40 / Rating: 645.75 /

Grandpa Paige

You do not want to be returning your grandchildren to their parents after realizing how much a bottle of Nair looks like the bottle of Waterbabies.

tags: bald children humor grandparenting [add]

2009-07-22 15:57:31 / Rating: 559.5 /


During a somewhat fuzzy post-flu recovery power walk, a group of 10 or so college age men running towards me along the trail suddenly lined up single file and gave me high-fives.

tags: humor surreal exercise college [add]

2009-07-20 10:42:23 / Rating: 736 /

Stephen G

I was laughing with the cashier at a local cafe about an official-looking brass plaque mounted in front of the register that read, "In 2008 nothing happened here," when my wife walked up, read the plaque, and said, "We should get one of these for our bedroom."

tags: humor [add]

2009-07-17 10:59:49 / Rating: 618.5 /


I knew you loved me when you came back inside the restaurant laughing after running across the street through traffic in freezing rain, to check on what I thought was a hurt bird, and turned out to be cardboard flapping over a ventilation shaft.

tags: love kindness humor [add]

2009-07-15 11:12:53 / Rating: 900.5 /


Organizational Assembly had been unwittingly shortened to OrgAsm on my transcript which also stated that my performance in it had been perfect.

tags: college irony humor [add]

2009-07-15 11:10:26 / Rating: 1094 /


I found it oddly appropriate that the night I couldn't get the temporary heart tattoo off my forearm was the night you broke my heart.

tags: irony heart on sleeve unrequited love humor [add]

2009-07-15 09:48:47 / Rating: 425.5 /


I only told them about my tattoo so they could identify my body if necessary.

tags: tattoo death ID humor family [add]

2009-07-13 16:07:16 / Rating: 580.75 /


I was relieved when my middle-school friend revealed to me that, unlike what my mother had told me, hot dogs were not the penises of pigs.

tags: food pigs humor parents childhood [add]

2009-07-13 16:06:57 / Rating: 675.75 /


The very second I lost my virginity, a car outside my room sounded their custom Dukes of Hazard horn.

tags: college cars sex humor [add]

2009-07-13 16:03:04 / Rating: 672.75 /


After I spilled gasoline on my shoes while topping off my car's tank on the way to lunch, my daughter announced to the cashier at McDonald's, "If you smell gas, it's coming from my mom."

tags: humor funny daughter embarrassing spill gasoline smell double entendre [add]

2009-07-10 11:14:59 / Rating: 749.25 /


"Whoa" means nothing to a Swedish horse.

tags: animals humor travel [add]

2009-07-10 11:12:59 / Rating: 619.25 /


After my mom dropped a frozen corndog down the back of my sweatpants, I stopped talking back.

tags: humor childhood corndog [add]

2009-07-10 11:12:50 / Rating: 460 /

It was perfectly in character for me as a child, when I maintained to my first grade teacher that my favorite animal was not a giraffe or tiger, but grass.

tags: humor childhood [add]

2009-07-07 10:29:40 / Rating: 722.75 /


During a 6.2 earthquake that shook our building violently, my half-asleep husband sat up, looked at me in confusion and asked, "What are you doing?"

tags: earthquake humor funny husband sleeping [add]

2009-07-06 09:27:49 / Rating: 974 /

Secret Shame

When she burst out laughing at the sight of me naked, I had the feeling that it wasn't gonna happen.

tags: humor nakedness [add]

2009-06-29 15:47:51 / Rating: 576.75 /

Lewis H.

Ronald Reagan's robe fell open in front of me and there he was naked as the day he was born.

tags: work humor famous [add]

2009-06-29 14:02:34 / Rating: 495.5 /


My cat prefers dog food.

tags: humor cats dog food [add]

2009-06-26 13:42:48 / Rating: 437.25 /


Five years later, I still have a scar of my husband's entire dental impression from when he bit my abdomen.

tags: sad humor abuse [add]

2009-06-23 09:56:06 / Rating: 464 /

Still Romantic

While my husband (then boyfriend) proposed, I could see a man standing on a picnic table and peeing into the bushes in my peripheral vision - but it was the best night of my life all the same.

tags: romance proposal humor [add]

2009-06-23 09:49:48 / Rating: 689.5 /


We thought we were being so sneaky with our teenage sex rendevous, until we walked up the stairs to his room and heard his dad say, "Better make it a quickie guys."

tags: sex humor irony [add]

2009-06-19 16:30:01 / Rating: 711.25 /


My sister was obsessed with Ricky Martin until she had a dream that he stabbed and killed me.

tags: siblings childhood humor [add]

2009-06-16 09:26:10 / Rating: 586 /


When my parents asked "Why did you two ever break up?" it might not have have been so painfully awkward if he hadn't been sitting right next to me.

tags: humor road trip [add]

2009-06-16 09:25:32 / Rating: 358.5 /


My mom frantically searched for me around the house to finally find me finishing off a big stick of butter.

tags: humor childhood mothers memories [add]

2009-06-14 17:35:02 / Rating: 523.25 /


After our older son declared his desire to be a veterinarian, the seven-year-old said, "I want to be a Chinese man."

tags: humor childhood career choices crazy kids [add]

2009-06-10 10:59:45 / Rating: 974.25 /

a beautiful disaster

Sledding was great until the tree got in my way.

tags: humor childhood sledding bugger [add]

2009-06-08 11:43:09 / Rating: 530.25 /

Uncle Jesse

I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."

tags: childhood humor self-defense hobby [add]

2009-06-05 10:38:07 / Rating: 619.5 /

i've had better judgment

Imagine my relief in my decision to sit on the grass when the rock beside me got up and walked away, presumably to go play with the other bobcats.

tags: humor close call wild life little choices shape your life [add]

2009-06-05 10:35:45 / Rating: 709.75 /

Oh, the irony

It was only after I voted "no" on an unapproved entry that I realized it was one of my own.

tags: humor irony meta [add]

2009-05-29 09:19:01 / Rating: 706 /

Murphy's Lawyer

I thought my sister was joking when she said she wanted to take over the world, but now she's majoring in political science and foreign relations with a minor in economics.

tags: sister world domination humor [add]

2009-05-29 09:15:13 / Rating: 760.25 /


While walking down a street in New Orleans with his wife and two young daughters, my father was approached by a prostitute.

tags: humor childhood father [add]

2009-05-28 15:02:14 / Rating: 628 /


Seeing Wolverine's naked hiney with my mom was surprisingly not awkward.

tags: humor mother daughter naked friendship [add]

2009-05-26 13:39:05 / Rating: 636.5 /


Soon my monthly therapy sessions were replaced with monthly orthodontist visits.

tags: humor childhood depression braces [add]

2009-05-21 15:45:45 / Rating: 538 /


The fire we started in that corn field was terrible for more reasons than just its failure to produce popcorn.

tags: childhood humor arson [add]

2009-05-20 14:51:13 / Rating: 877.5 /


After saying "I am missing my G-string" out loud, I realized that nobody knew I was talking about my guitar.

tags: humor music guitar [add]

2009-05-20 14:50:55 / Rating: 839 /


It's amazing how fast you can run when something's on fire.

tags: BBQ fire humor [add]

2009-05-20 14:12:01 / Rating: 591.5 /


"She's lived in Columbia her entire life," I told my brother, and then, after a moment of reflection added, "Columbia, Maryland."

tags: humor maryland brother [add]

2009-05-20 10:33:44 / Rating: 313.75 /

Ally S.

Our first kiss seemed to have perfect timing, immediately after her accidental elbow to my forehead.

tags: humor lesbian love kiss [add]

2009-05-19 08:39:24 / Rating: 638.25 /


The most embarrassing moment wasn't when I accidentally poured a pint of beer down the guest's back but 10 seconds later when I slipped on said beer, fell on to the shattered glass and lost my shoe on my way to get paper towel.

tags: humor restaurant beer [add]

2009-05-15 15:49:27 / Rating: 488 /


I realized today that squeezing my own boob feels a lot like squeezing my boyfriends butt.

tags: boob butt humor love sex [add]

2009-05-14 14:13:24 / Rating: 684.25 /

"I love you more than anyone else in the world..."

This morning I was dangerously close to buying a 24-pack of condoms with my Mothers' Day card before realizing the embarrassing implications.

tags: humor [add]

2009-05-11 11:07:59 / Rating: 575.25 /


My crazy Polish dad came inside after digging a hole for a new tree in the backyard, holding the skull of "Speedy," my cat who had died months before and said, "Look, it's Speedy! Meow!"

tags: humor cat death Polish [add]

2009-05-11 11:06:10 / Rating: 1225.25 /

Free To Choose

I realized how much I had finally let go of religion when I chose my flimsy Bible as a hard surface to write on over one of my hard-backed fantasy novels.

tags: Bible loss of religion humor [add]

2009-05-11 11:04:13 / Rating: 444.25 /


The $1 store swiss rolls I bought to console myself were better than all the expensive chocolates I received when we were together.

tags: relationships irony humor [add]

2009-05-08 07:54:47 / Rating: 622.75 /


As I overheard my employees gossiping about how I "need to get laid," I had to wonder, would that prescription change if any of them knew I am a recovering sex addict.

tags: humor sex addiction hospital university guilt [add]

2009-04-30 10:08:06 / Rating: 867.5 /


I just realized after looking at the photos in the "sold" listing of my foreclosed home, I forgot my soap dispenser in the bathroom when I moved out.

tags: humor foreclosure home soap photos [add]

2009-04-30 10:07:01 / Rating: 505 /

I'll get right on it

At the age of 17, a trainee religion teacher told me, an unbaptized athiest, that I wouldn't be given an apple at break if I continued to refuse to write a letter to God.

tags: humor religion apple [add]

2009-04-30 09:37:49 / Rating: 532.5 /

a sign?

It seems like immediately after every time I buy pot, I run my car into something stationary.

tags: humor misfortune coincidence [add]

2009-04-28 16:34:49 / Rating: 496 /


She awoke from her slumber to answer her cell phone, but it was the radio that was playing her song.

tags: humor ringtone cell phone Jack Johnson [add]

2009-04-27 15:20:05 / Rating: 399.25 /


As the cashier scanned the pregnancy test, I hoped she wouldn't notice that the next item was a box of condoms.

tags: humor condoms just in case [add]

2009-04-27 15:18:49 / Rating: 404 /


When questioned about wearing a long-sleeve shirt on the warmest day of summer, my mom grudgingly admitted that she mistook the ink-pad refill bottle for her roll-on deodorant that morning.

tags: humor dressing in the dark disorganized [add]

2009-04-27 15:18:06 / Rating: 643 /


After getting the third package in the mail with a toy cow in it, I concluded that my mother and younger sister were trying to force me to collect cows.

tags: cow college humor [add]

2009-04-10 12:54:45 / Rating: 737.75 /


My cat, Scoop, sits in the bathtub for exactly twenty minutes after I have showered, and this morning, she pulled out all the hair that was clogging up the drain using one hooked claw

tags: pets bath humor [add]

2009-04-10 12:53:29 / Rating: 656 /


The time I got my hand stuck in the blades of the electric stand mixer, resulting in pieces of bloody knuckle skin littering the dough, I seriously considered baking the cookies anyways.

tags: cookies pain humor [add]

2009-04-07 14:08:37 / Rating: 508.25 /


I awoke this morning to the sensation of my dog, curled up against me under the covers, licking my butt.

tags: dog sleep awake humor [add]

2009-04-03 13:26:31 / Rating: 639.5 /


I am very happy that I was asked to be my girlfriend's sister's stepdaughter's stepsister's godfather.

tags: childhood humor kinship [add]

2009-04-01 11:21:41 / Rating: 584.5 /


As a professional nanny, I've found that scaring a baby doesn't alleviate her hiccups, but it does scar her for life.

tags: humor babies nanny [add]

2009-03-31 12:15:05 / Rating: 515 /


I wish my husband would have been as faithful as my fat is.

tags: diet fat husband humor [add]

2009-03-30 11:16:43 / Rating: 716.5 /


After a few seconds of brushing my teeth, I realized that the store brand flouride toothpaste had the same red and white packaging as the tube of Ben-Gay.

tags: humor [add]

2009-03-30 11:09:33 / Rating: 405.25 /

Daniel Reuben

I realized the ineptitude of my English teacher when she pronounced "faux-pas" phonetically.

tags: humor english faux pas moron [add]

2009-03-30 11:01:31 / Rating: 722.75 /


As I licked off my finger I realized how much Spicy Szechuan Sauce looks like Apple Butter and how much my 1-year-old would enjoy cold cereal for breakfast.

tags: humor spicy waffles [add]

2009-03-27 13:02:46 / Rating: 359.25 /


When I was six years old, I cried when my family told me we couldn't go see the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park because they were all already dead.

tags: humor childhood dinosaurs [add]

2009-03-27 12:58:28 / Rating: 584.75 /


Delivering pizza became a life-affirming occupation the day the half-naked couple in their seventies opened the door, releasing billowing clouds of pot smoke and Jefferson Airplane into the atmosphere.

tags: jobs humor pot pizza [add]

2009-03-25 11:32:35 / Rating: 1124.5 /


I have a twisted family that made me believe that chocolate milk came from brown cows until I was 14.

tags: humor childhood evil [add]

2009-03-25 11:29:36 / Rating: 876.5 /


For some reason, I was pleasantly surprised when my vanilla pudding tasted like fish.

tags: humor pudding fishy yum [add]

2009-03-25 11:26:17 / Rating: 360.75 /


I realized how much I hated working in the OC when I saw a couple pushing a stroller meant for twins, and instead of twins it contained four poodles wearing pink argyle sweaters.

tags: humor work Orange County retail [add]

2009-03-19 08:57:33 / Rating: 940.5 /


When my professor asked me how stressed out I was, I explained to her that I had been naked in a public restroom that morning and didn't even realize it.

tags: college humor sleep deprivation stress [add]

2009-03-17 12:14:23 / Rating: 764.5 /

Appropriated Agenda

Promptly after arriving at college and trying to clean up after my roommates, I phoned my mom and apologized for 18 years of not helping tidy the kitchen more.

tags: humor college roomates mess [add]

2009-03-13 15:41:38 / Rating: 735 /

what to do...

I soon discovered that thinking, "Don't puke, don't puke" does not prevent one from puking in the middle of a final exam in front of 400 people.

tags: humor oops sick exam embarrassing [add]

2009-03-13 15:41:09 / Rating: 768 /


All through dinner I thought her leg was touching mine until I looked down and realized it was only the table leg.

tags: dinner humor [add]

2009-03-10 11:23:36 / Rating: 671.25 /

Bored of Boredom

Nothing is more embarassing than having to tell the doctors that the stab to my eye that was causing me to get the stitches in my eyelid was all because my sister was trying to write 'loser' on my forehead.

tags: humor childhood injury ER truly a loser [add]

2009-03-10 11:14:57 / Rating: 588.75 /

Timmy D

My dog doesn't understand daylight savings.

tags: humor dog strange funny puppy [add]

2009-03-09 12:14:10 / Rating: 702.5 /


I once got barfed on by a baby during hour 3 of a 14-hour plane flight to Australia.

tags: humor plane barf vomit baby Australia [add]

2009-03-05 12:38:04 / Rating: 470.25 /

Panda Bear

I was almost said it out loud, but then I realized "I almost bit your armpit" is a weird thing to tell someone.

tags: humor armpit bite weird tell realization [add]

2009-03-05 11:39:17 / Rating: 528.5 /

Mistaken confidentiality

An excited 3 AM call about his first homosexual experience in desperate confidentiality to June, was followed by my response of, "Um, you have the wrong number."

tags: homosexual humor secrets mistaken identity wrong number [add]

2009-03-05 11:38:10 / Rating: 963.75 /

Pathetic Pooch

My dog was so desperate to avoid his bath that he pretended to vomit.

tags: ew humor weird dog [add]

2009-02-26 20:30:48 / Rating: 839.5 /


As I left my apartment listening to Daivd Bowie's "1984," I noticed the new security cameras they had installed across the alley.

tags: humor [add]

2009-02-26 20:26:01 / Rating: 505.5 /


The more text messages I see on the phone bill, the higher chances my son has a new girlfriend.

tags: humor text girlfriend [add]

2009-02-26 15:59:37 / Rating: 487.75 /


One can only wonder how plausible the words "I'm still a virgin" could possibly have sounded after her little brother told their mother that he heard the bed squeaking rhythmically.

tags: humor oops [add]

2009-02-24 14:31:29 / Rating: 437.25 /


Like most people, I didn't imagine my first make-out session as involving a bowl of bananas, a waffle maker, and being interrupted by my fencing coach.

tags: humor hotels teenager athletics [add]

2009-02-18 21:35:47 / Rating: 631.75 /


My best friend of nine years still won't let go of the time I accidentally pushed her in front of a taxi before ripping her out of the way.

tags: humor friendship taxi shove [add]

2009-02-18 21:29:44 / Rating: 524.25 /


My oldest sister once curiously asked my Grandma Helen why her phone number was written on her arm.

tags: sad humor holocaust jewish grandma [add]

2009-02-17 13:44:48 / Rating: 1279.25 /

Stupidest Thing Ever

While it was comforting to hear the cop's reassurances that he personally did not believe we were pedophiles, it really didn't do much to help the situation.

tags: police arrest pedophile humor oops playground [add]

2009-02-12 11:25:21 / Rating: 633.75 /

Brad Wilson

Today I saw a chicken walking up 9th Avenue and, being very tired, he sat down on a metal door in the sidewalk beside a couple of Mexican guys.

tags: humor new york city true [add]

2009-02-10 13:00:55 / Rating: 562.75 /


During two years of graduate school, I never imagined that my career would involve taking pictures of raisins.

tags: speech language pathology autism alternative communication career humor [add]

2009-02-06 14:17:50 / Rating: 587.5 /


It was at "Disney on Ice" when my Dad told me Walt Disney was a Nazi.

tags: humor irony Disney Nazi [add]

2009-02-06 14:11:47 / Rating: 572 /

happy girl

When I realized I had my period on the night of senior prom, I was glad I didn't wait.

tags: prom sex humor virgin period [add]

2009-02-06 14:10:07 / Rating: 587 /


During the party, an awkward silence fell in the room after my wife's grandmother asked me loudly if I'd ever seen a shaved beaver.

tags: grandmother shaved beaver humor [add]

2009-02-04 14:43:55 / Rating: 708.5 /


The day I moved out of my apartment was the day I discovered the bathroom mirror was actually the door to a medicine cabinet.

tags: humor moving that would have been handy [add]

2009-02-04 14:39:44 / Rating: 778.75 /


I was trying to call my brother long distance but dialed 911 by accident, when they showed up and realised my mistake, the police officer paged "to cancel the other unit."

tags: humor police 911 oops [add]

2009-02-02 11:53:29 / Rating: 450.25 /

Mr. Chris G.

The correct response to your wife after coming home from an emergency call only to find that your son had caught the majority of the backyard on fire is not, "That's what you called me home for?"

tags: humor parenthood fire [add]

2009-02-02 11:12:07 / Rating: 645.5 /

I shake my head & smile

You know your adult son is home visiting when you find an empty beer can in your shower.

tags: humor visiting beer adult son mother [add]

2009-01-30 14:44:37 / Rating: 839.5 /


Somewhere in the Colorado penal system, there is a man named David with my name tattooed on his chest.

tags: humor lost love prison tattoo [add]

2009-01-30 14:42:47 / Rating: 757.25 /


I've garnered two Emmy Awards plus two Associated Press awards and I'll always be known as the dude who hit the "perfect showcase bid" on The Price Is Right.

tags: life strange weird humor [add]

2009-01-30 11:11:11 / Rating: 763 /


He'll never know how much time and effort goes into making homemade pierogis.

tags: dinner blood sweat tears humor [add]

2009-01-29 16:43:58 / Rating: 611 /


I had to explain I'd lose my job as a swimming teacher if someone drowned in my class, again.

tags: swimming job work humor [add]

2009-01-29 09:57:54 / Rating: 576 /


When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.

tags: humor breastfeeding staring coffee [add]

2009-01-28 16:28:39 / Rating: 3787.5 /

lost a tooth

That night I fell out of bed and smacked my nose on the metal bedframe, and the next morning my dad joked that the toothfairy pushed me.

tags: humor childhood dad toothfairy [add]

2009-01-28 16:28:05 / Rating: 661.25 /


My cat challenged me to a game of "Guess Where I Pooped Before You Step In It" and I lost.

tags: cat humor [add]

2009-01-28 16:26:35 / Rating: 1183.5 /


Before I had a three year old child, I never imagined I'd discuss whether turtles have eyebrows.

tags: humor parenthood turtles [add]

2009-01-28 12:30:11 / Rating: 1394.75 /


My eight year soccer career ended with me scoring my very first goal after which I promptly threw up.

tags: soccer humor vomit [add]

2009-01-28 12:24:14 / Rating: 456.5 /

When my six-year-old brother puked squash all over our dining room table, Mom decided she did not wield the power to make us eat anything.

tags: humor childhood squash [add]

2009-01-26 09:48:11 / Rating: 625.75 /


When I was little, my older brother had me convinced that the members of Hootie and the Blowfish were named Hootie, And, The, and Blowfish.

tags: humor gullible brother childhood hootie [add]

2009-01-26 09:34:19 / Rating: 672 /


Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, Petunia, do NOT put ass cream on your face."

tags: Mother death under eye bags hospital grief humor ass cream [add]

2009-01-23 14:22:40 / Rating: 3593 /


As we walked down the "Feminine Products" aisle, my 3-year-old son grabbed a box of panty liners off the shelf and said, "Look, Mama, Mouse Diapers!"

tags: humor kids [add]

2009-01-23 14:19:42 / Rating: 618.75 /

The Ocean

A yeast infection brought us together and bad spelling broke us apart.

tags: humor relationships low tolerance [add]

2009-01-22 12:28:19 / Rating: 471.25 /

So Many!

If I could've stopped laughing long enough, it may have occurred to me that perhaps my quacking dog needed to see a vet.

tags: humor dog quack vet [add]

2009-01-20 12:43:09 / Rating: 707 /

Herr Benötigen Sie Mehr Getränke

To which I answered, "We now can communicate in code undetected by our adversaries and allies alike, simply by inputting a single sentence, to be posted on an unread, underfunded, underground governmental experiment in the form of a web page".

tags: ed secret humor inside joke communique meta [add]

2009-01-20 12:29:03 / Rating: 521.25 /


Just because she just had surgery didn't mean I had to let her win during the Uno tournament.

tags: sisters cancer humor competition [add]

2009-01-19 15:09:33 / Rating: 663.75 /


Despite his exasperation, I enjoyed the irony of holding the door for the hotel doorman.

tags: awkward humor social etiquette [add]

2009-01-19 15:04:14 / Rating: 609.75 /


When I opened the door I noticed 2 things: one, someone had made cookies, and two, all the furniture was missing, in that order.

tags: humor theft delicious baked goods [add]

2009-01-16 12:23:23 / Rating: 1028.25 /


Suspecting OCD, I tried mismatching my grey-striped monogram-banded blue socks with my grey-striped monogram-banded blue boxers.

tags: humor ocd socks [add]

2009-01-16 11:09:11 / Rating: 480.25 /


We put our clothes back on so fast that if we hadn't hesitated in his room, panicking, his parents might never have found out.

tags: humor sex teenagers parents [add]

2009-01-16 10:56:37 / Rating: 521.75 /

Sleepless in Seattle

I can't believe that you smiling at me was the highlight of a day where I got an A on a test, found twenty bucks, and won a debate.

tags: sad humor love unrequited love [add]

2009-01-15 12:35:16 / Rating: 1352 /


Just when I thought I'd never get to type, "Dude, I KNOW that girl," I found pictures of her in a seedy corner of the internet.

tags: porn camwhore humor classmate [add]

2009-01-15 12:32:37 / Rating: 435 /


He gave me a pair of shiny diamonds for Christmas, but I would have preferred a pair of shiny running shoes.

tags: diamonds romance humor [add]

2009-01-14 09:10:29 / Rating: 457.25 /


I asked my friend if I could use his computer for a second only to find the words "how to properly pick your nose" in the google search queue.

tags: humor internet picking your nose gross boys [add]

2009-01-12 15:26:37 / Rating: 566.75 /

the girl

The other day I got into the shower with my bra on and I didn't even notice.

tags: out of it humor [add]

2009-01-12 15:25:16 / Rating: 470.75 /


I really didn't mean to get the fake Prada purse vendor arrested.

tags: humor arrest street vendor [add]

2009-01-12 15:23:55 / Rating: 606.5 /


My wedding began after his ex-girlfriend was removed from the church and ended after I lit my veil on fire with the Unity candle.

tags: humor wedding irony [add]

2009-01-12 15:23:47 / Rating: 899 /


I once played DanceDanceRevolution for 4 hours straight then jumped off a balcony into a pool, only to almost drown because the muscles in both my legs stopped working the moment I hit the water.

tags: humor ouch irony [add]

2009-01-09 11:16:39 / Rating: 616.75 /


My teacher told me my excuse was more bogus than a story she had read on One Sentence, which happened to be the truest thing I had ever written.

tags: humor teacher irony teacher read my story and didn't know it was mine meta [add]

2009-01-07 11:40:56 / Rating: 651.5 /


What my government teacher doesn't know is that when he's lecturing about Roe vs. Wade, I'm wondering what size tutu would be needed to accommodate his mass.

tags: humor boredom imagination mind wandering [add]

2009-01-07 09:35:17 / Rating: 529.25 /

Jenna Bean

When I was 10-years-old, I gave my mom a note that said, "You are a bich!" and she laughed and showed me my mistake.

tags: humor childhood family love anger frustration [add]

2009-01-05 08:43:59 / Rating: 1162.75 /

Warren Taylor

In spite of the damage to my car and my body, I couldn't help but laugh at becoming the second person in my family to hit a Burger King.

tags: humor accident car fast food [add]

2009-01-05 08:41:17 / Rating: 1034 /


After the accident, still in a drunken stupor, he asked the cop how the police got there so fast, to which the officer replied, "You hit MY car."

tags: SHS humor police alcohol [add]

2009-01-02 12:56:54 / Rating: 991 /

Bored of Boredom

After that dream, I never saw Ronald McDonald the same again.

tags: childhood humor [add]

2008-12-31 12:40:04 / Rating: 576.5 /

Santa's Photographer

I saw Santa chuckle to himself and realized I had heard correctly, the little guy did ask for Chinese food for Christmas.

tags: santa photos humor kids [add]

2008-12-25 23:01:51 / Rating: 658.25 /


It is not lost on me that taking my cat to a pet psychiatrist suggests I might need a human one myself.

tags: humor psychiatry cats [add]

2008-12-25 23:00:29 / Rating: 563.5 /


I laughed out loud in class at the severe irony when he pronounced it "foo pah."

tags: humor irony faux pas mispronunciation [add]

2008-12-22 15:47:59 / Rating: 618 /


Moments after my three year old son stated, "I help Daddy," I came to realize that our Christmas tree was on fire.

tags: children christmas fire child humor [add]

2008-12-17 21:52:09 / Rating: 900 /


When asked by the mechanic what sort of engine I had, I responded "A black one," and didn't understand why he couldn't stop laughing.

tags: humor car mechanic ignorance [add]

2008-12-17 21:51:07 / Rating: 594.75 /


He asked, "Is that your purse on fire?"

tags: drunk fire humor [add]

2008-12-16 09:10:31 / Rating: 608.5 /

college kid

My ramen has the slightest hint of dishwasher soap flavoring.

tags: finals college poor humor ew eat it anyway [add]

2008-12-16 08:52:56 / Rating: 627.5 /


When I told him I wouldn't have sex with him in the back of his car, he replied, "But it's an Audi."

tags: sex humor convertible [add]

2008-12-15 16:37:34 / Rating: 974.25 /

for Zandra

You know work is exciting when in the same week you can say, "I got attacked by an angry black midget" and "I was bitten by a lesbian stripper."

tags: humor work ridiculous strange midget stripper [add]

2008-12-12 09:22:25 / Rating: 928 /


Announcing "I am loose" in a hostel gave me a lot of unwanted attention but no directions to the rail station.

tags: lost not loose humor oops [add]

2008-12-12 09:20:27 / Rating: 532.5 /

one day

I gave the high school freshman my phone number so he could brag to his friends and because it reaffirmed that I want to be a journalist when I grow up

tags: humor growing up freshman career journalism college dating [add]

2008-12-12 09:18:39 / Rating: 574 /


When I was little, my mom told me that the bottom of the pool smelled really good.

tags: mom pool humor [add]

2008-12-12 09:17:51 / Rating: 810.75 /

When I picked up my black grandfather from a white woman's house running down the fire escape holding his pants up, I realized I had an interesting childhood.

tags: humor childhood interracial cheating [add]

2008-12-09 09:59:05 / Rating: 734 /


I stood in the cereal aisle for ten minutes trying to pick the Marshmallow Mateys bag with the highest marshmallow-to-anchor ratio.

tags: college food humor [add]

2008-12-05 13:03:14 / Rating: 922.75 /


My best friend looked at me and said, "My mouth tastes like Spring Break."

tags: humor college alcohol party best friend [add]

2008-12-04 13:19:40 / Rating: 682.25 /


Worse than the pain of the tattoo was the embarrassment that he had to shave my toe first.

tags: tattoo humor embarrassment [add]

2008-12-04 13:18:03 / Rating: 553.25 /

only me

When I realized you had a can of Chef Boyardee as a backup dinner for our first date, I knew I would love you.

tags: love first date humor [add]

2008-12-03 15:06:43 / Rating: 816 /


I made a face and declared, "You have to CHOOSE to put your tongue up someone else's nose!"

tags: humor [add]

2008-12-01 15:45:33 / Rating: 353.5 /

Murry's Mom

Judith told me later that the deaf woman wasn't blowing kisses at me, she was saying "thank you" in ASL.

tags: humor deaf people [add]

2008-12-01 12:06:55 / Rating: 413 /


As I lay in bed curled up in the fetal position, I realized that quitting smoking really was going to be that hard.

tags: humor cigarettes realization [add]

2008-12-01 10:06:32 / Rating: 478.75 /


That homeless man just wouldn't give back the guitar.

tags: homeless humor weird guitar olympia [add]

2008-12-01 10:01:46 / Rating: 512 /


My mom always joked that I could get a tattoo if it said, "I love Mom," so I made her hold my hand when I got it.

tags: mom humor tattoo backfire love [add]

2008-11-21 16:07:54 / Rating: 944.25 /


During a romantic dinner away from the kids, I looked down at my hand and saw that there was poop on my diamond.

tags: humor family life [add]

2008-11-19 13:47:55 / Rating: 502 /


There really is no easy way to explain why there was an electric toothbrush stuck in my hair last night.

tags: humor [add]

2008-11-18 13:21:14 / Rating: 444.5 /

i love jools

When I bared my soul and told my husband that I wanted to be calmed by the sound of running water while I sleep, he told me to get my pillow and lay down next to the toilet.

tags: humor marriage husbands relationships [add]

2008-11-18 13:15:57 / Rating: 649 /


The day my Mother accidentally left my little brother at the dog pound gave me the only self-esteem boost I would ever need.

tags: childhood humor dog pound self-esteem [add]

2008-11-18 13:14:45 / Rating: 760.75 /


It wasn't until I sat down at the table that I realized I had drizzled maple syrup over my kung pao tofu instead of soy sauce.

tags: humor gross food why was it even out there? [add]

2008-11-14 15:22:40 / Rating: 529 /


I was bleeding and in pain, but I had to laugh when the ER nurse asked the guy in the next room, "You swallowed HOW MANY toothbrushes?"

tags: humor ER hospital munchausen syndrome [add]

2008-11-14 15:21:37 / Rating: 1342.75 /

For the Smell of Old Books

When the man in the library saw me watching him smell the old dictionary, he pretended to look up a word (but I could tell he was still smelling).

tags: humor old books [add]

2008-11-13 22:12:50 / Rating: 684 /


No one believes me when I tell them I've actually slipped on a banana peel.

tags: humor banana [add]

2008-11-13 13:10:04 / Rating: 453.75 /


Halfway through the song, my host sister told me that my dance partner was the Mongolian Olympic silver medalist in boxing.

tags: small world olympics boxing mongolia humor surprise [add]

2008-11-12 10:03:38 / Rating: 517.5 /


It took him 30 practice swings just to flop horribly on his one actual swing.

tags: golf father humor [add]

2008-11-12 10:00:01 / Rating: 490 /


I now have the best icebreaker story I've ever had for parties, because this summer, after I helped out for a couple of days, the circus tried to run away with ME.

tags: humor circus [add]

2008-11-10 13:40:07 / Rating: 466.25 /


I'm selling my old mattress to a guy I had a one-night stand with.

tags: irony random humor sex [add]

2008-11-06 14:19:41 / Rating: 880.75 /


When I was finally able to relax after pushing for 30 mins, he said "Good news, you didn't poop!"

tags: labor marriage humor baby poop [add]

2008-11-06 14:16:01 / Rating: 765.5 /

Don Duggan-Haas

When the one-armed Amishman sitting next to me started talking about condoms, I knew it was going to be an interesting train ride.

tags: humor Amtrak [add]

2008-11-06 14:13:42 / Rating: 714 /


The four middle aged ladies I shared a joint with in that state park campground in New Mexico made up an elaborate story about my cross-country road trip that wasn't anywhere near as interesting as the truth.

tags: humor road trips [add]

2008-11-06 14:13:00 / Rating: 380.5 /


As the actor dressed in the Minnie costume stepped on my sandaled four-year old foot after I asked for an autograph I never received, I realized that Disneyland was not "The Happiest Place on Earth" after all.

tags: humor childhood disneyland minnie mouse [add]

2008-10-30 22:13:53 / Rating: 569.25 /


One of my most vivid memories as a child was kicking my brothers privates, not because I was mad at him, but because I was curious if the men in the movies really felt the pain.

tags: childhood humor curiousity ouch [add]

2008-10-30 17:17:58 / Rating: 649.25 /


When I was three, I thought my mom's hot curling iron was a popsicle.

tags: humor childhood pain ouch [add]

2008-10-28 12:12:48 / Rating: 687.5 /


I never thought I could become immune to watching my boys drink water out of the dog's bowl.

tags: humor childhood [add]

2008-10-24 13:19:14 / Rating: 595.5 /

Reno Reading

My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Funny" and has been using it all over the internet.

tags: sister mistake humor children WTF [add]

2008-10-23 13:39:41 / Rating: 4813.5 /


On our middle school class trip to new York City, my cousin got slapped by a bum.

tags: cousin slapped bum humor [add]

2008-10-22 12:58:47 / Rating: 660 /


Not being quite attuned to college life, I reflexively put my old home address while ordering a porn DVD.

tags: humor porn college dorm [add]

2008-10-22 12:57:20 / Rating: 817.75 /


I'm not an overweight 19-year-old female, but Facebook ads seem to think so.

tags: humor Facebook [add]

2008-10-21 15:23:40 / Rating: 604.25 /


My little brother thinks that he is a super hero because he is convinced he can poop the alphabet.

tags: humor childhood [add]

2008-10-15 15:15:19 / Rating: 749.75 /


I realized the dress code was less strict that I had previously thought when the female science teacher showed up wearing lederhosen.

tags: humor teaching Korea [add]

2008-10-15 15:13:56 / Rating: 504.75 /


For breakfast, my Mongolian host parents gave me a boiled sheep's head and a knife.

tags: Mongolia culture shock humor [add]

2008-10-14 09:54:20 / Rating: 510.25 /


When I asked my son how hitting his brother in the eye could be "an accident," he replied, "I was trying to hit him in the nose."

tags: humor childhood brother son [add]

2008-10-10 16:00:34 / Rating: 1242.5 /


Walking downtown, holding hands with my long-haired boyfriend, I often wondered how many people who saw us from behind thought we were lesbians.

tags: humor boyfriend downtown date [add]

2008-10-10 11:14:52 / Rating: 640.5 /


In order to desensitize my roommate to various things involved in childbirth I hid sticky notes around the room with the words like "placenta" on them.

tags: placenta humor college [add]

2008-10-10 11:14:45 / Rating: 591 /


Running into my uptight, conservative boss at a gay bar was both the most embarrassing and the most gratifying experience of my life.

tags: irony humor gay coincidence boss [add]

2008-10-07 16:53:57 / Rating: 1085.5 /


You know you live in a hippie commune when you go to bed alone and wake up with three other people and think this is normal.

tags: humor hippies sleep [add]

2008-10-07 16:50:11 / Rating: 639 /


I tried to ignore the fact that I was alone in my dorm on a Saturday night and focused my energy into color-coding the rest of my shoes.

tags: college humor weekend shoes [add]

2008-10-06 13:10:03 / Rating: 606 /


"One Sentence" helped me stay awake until two in the morning so I could take my second morning after pill.

tags: accidents humor thanks meta [add]

2008-10-06 13:08:30 / Rating: 568.25 /

Bread Doesn't Burn

I almost had to repeat the ninth grade for attempted arson, all because the three of us were bored at lunch and decided to try to light my sandwich on fire.

tags: fire stupid teenagers humor [add]

2008-09-29 13:51:54 / Rating: 878 /

"Now that hurt", I said.

My therapist was relatively quiet while I talked, until I mentioned that Paul Newman had died, which elicited from her a dramatic gasp.

tags: humor therapy psychologist Paul Newman [add]

2008-09-29 13:45:11 / Rating: 588.5 /

Heather Rose

As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.

tags: childhood humor parenting daughter strange feet art [add]

2008-09-26 17:46:59 / Rating: 4520.25 /


The truth is, the only birthday card I received was from my therapist.

tags: humor psychology psychologist birthday [add]

2008-09-26 17:33:33 / Rating: 584.25 /

bored as mustard

I have three giant bruises and a bit of a bruised ego as proof that you can, in fact, forget how to ride a bicycle.

tags: humor bicycle bruise ego [add]

2008-09-24 11:12:32 / Rating: 763 /


I can't tell what's worse: the death of the boy who pulled down his underwear in front of me in the first grade or feeling terrible every time I tell people about the first time I ever saw a penis.

tags: humor childhood sex death [add]

2008-09-21 14:24:23 / Rating: 696.25 /


I stopped believing in God the day that my neighbour claimed that Holy Mother Mary had appeared as a humidity spot on his bathroom wall and tried to charge me $2 to see it.

tags: atheism god mary humor [add]

2008-09-21 14:21:23 / Rating: 697.75 /

We got away

Being in the 'haunted' condemned mental hospital was worth the concussion I received from the headfirst dive I made into the car after being spotted by the police.

tags: humor cops haunted oh shit teenagers [add]

2008-09-17 23:43:23 / Rating: 540.5 /

aunt d

When my 8-year-old niece came home from her friend's birthday party and assured me that she did not drink any beer, I knew something was very wrong with our culture.

tags: humor childhood alcohol family children [add]

2008-09-11 20:04:35 / Rating: 1044.75 /


It always brings a smile to my face when my dad tells large groups of strangers how he once cut himself on Jello.

tags: childhood humor parents jello crazy [add]

2008-09-11 20:02:30 / Rating: 897 /


I've never been as proud as I was when I sat down and honestly said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I HAVE been flossing."

tags: dentist flossing humor pride [add]

2008-09-10 14:41:23 / Rating: 728.25 /

Thanks, Gustav!

201 electricity-free hours will make you reconsider ever buying frozen fish again.

tags: humor electricity hurricane fish gross [add]

2008-09-10 14:40:14 / Rating: 548 /

Alicia n Jeanne

Alicia said, "Feliz Navidad," to which Jeanne replied, "But you're Filipino, not Jewish."

tags: humor religion ethnicity language [add]

2008-09-09 16:09:36 / Rating: 670.75 /


Every time I have to ask what I did last night I feel like Sherlock Holmes.

tags: drinking blackout mystery humor [add]

2008-09-08 10:55:06 / Rating: 551.5 /


By putting the card table on the property line I had outwitted my parents punishment of "stay in the yard with no friends over."

tags: humor [add]

2008-09-03 13:54:18 / Rating: 673.5 /


It was at that moment that I realized just how similar are the tastes of fresh fish and week old, unrefrigerated turkey.

tags: humor disgusting food [add]

2008-09-03 13:53:46 / Rating: 515.75 /

Unidentified Ethnicity

She tried to convert me to Christianity because I looked Jewish.

tags: unbelief humor mistake [add]

2008-08-27 16:21:32 / Rating: 620.25 /


After finding out her grandfather was in the army, my daughter asked "Was he with the green guys or the tan guys?"

tags: humor childhood [add]

2008-08-27 14:57:30 / Rating: 545 /


In Physics of Music class, I learned that a wave is defined as "a traveling disturbance" and I thought of my ex-boyfriend.

tags: humor physics college [add]

2008-08-27 14:55:54 / Rating: 875.25 /

Port Noir

It started an hour late because the first comic was a pothead who left the microphone at Taco Bell when he had a snack attack before the show.

tags: marijuana pot humor comedian stand-up comedy taco fast food snack microphone late live show [add]

2008-08-27 14:54:48 / Rating: 661.25 /


How was I supposed to know what "cease and desist" meant?

tags: humor trouble [add]

2008-08-26 10:18:50 / Rating: 506.75 /


If you thought toilet paper on the back of your shoe was bad, try someone else's used pad.

tags: gross period pad humor embarassment [add]

2008-08-26 10:18:04 / Rating: 666.5 /


It's been four days, and I still don't know what I should have said to the pretty girl sitting next to me who said "Everybody likes good porn."

tags: befuddled flumoxxed confused humor porn girl girls pretty [add]

2008-08-26 10:17:26 / Rating: 967.25 /


When I was little I thought the "f" word was "fart" because I wasn't allowed to say it.

tags: humor childhood fart swearing [add]

2008-08-26 10:15:54 / Rating: 627 /


I found out, for some odd reason, my printer speaks in Spanish.

tags: strange humor [add]

2008-08-26 10:15:05 / Rating: 436.75 /


In one day I had convinced my grandfather I was old enough to drive his riding mower and ran over the new slide with the riding mower.

tags: humor lawnmower slide oops [add]

2008-08-22 17:37:21 / Rating: 485.25 /

Just another one

As I watched him squat off the rail road bridge with two of my friends holding his arms to keep him from falling into the river thirty feet below, I wondered how fast he'd be able to move with his pants around his ankles as I saw a train round the corner.

tags: pooping teenagers humor run like hell [add]

2008-08-22 17:31:58 / Rating: 541 /


I told my eight-year-old daughter she could choose lemonade, lemonade or lemonade and she asked "What was the second one again?"

tags: children humor lemonade [add]

2008-08-22 13:56:40 / Rating: 1206.75 /


We met because he'd hit me in the back of the head with his trombone slide.

tags: love humor school band class [add]

2008-08-18 14:58:13 / Rating: 706.25 /


I took a huge bite of rice pudding only to realize that it was actually tartar sauce.

tags: humor mistake food oops [add]

2008-08-14 20:37:55 / Rating: 801.75 /

Mr. Lucas Brice

I found out the reason the emails to my old friend bounced is because unbeknownst to me, Steven was now Janet.

tags: humor [add]

2008-08-14 20:35:28 / Rating: 460.25 /


I will never again give cucumbers from my garden as a gift to a man with erectile dysfunction.

tags: gardening cucumbers humor ED misunderstandings [add]

2008-08-12 15:48:18 / Rating: 645.5 /


I took my wife's sluttiest panties with me to the Kentucky bar exam because they had always been lucky for me.

tags: humor bar bar exam panties luck [add]

2008-08-12 15:04:21 / Rating: 727.25 /


I lied to them when I said I found my keys at the park because I didn't want to admit my own stupidity at having accidentally dropped them into my bag of carrots.

tags: humor lie park keys [add]

2008-08-12 15:03:04 / Rating: 532 /


Two days after I berated my incompetent roommate for flooding the laundry room, I flooded the laundry room.

tags: humor flooding roommates karma [add]

2008-08-12 14:54:49 / Rating: 648.5 /

Get Out Much?

An impatient check of the UPS online tracking center reveals that the package has been on my front porch for three days.

tags: impatience humor sedentary couch potato [add]

2008-08-11 16:29:57 / Rating: 682 /


I had to go to the hospital in the 7th grade after I fell off my bike because the sombrero I was wearing to block the sun blew off and I instinctively reached back to grab it and lost balance.

tags: humor childhood bike [add]

2008-08-11 15:42:34 / Rating: 597.5 /


After we finished kissing, I laughed and said,"Can you please go brush your teeth?"

tags: humor kiss relationships [add]

2008-08-07 15:14:06 / Rating: 496.25 /


I think the best revenge I could possibly have pales in comparison to knowing your co-op board is about to stage an intervention about over how bad you smell.

tags: exboyfriend stinky jesuschristwhatISthat humor [add]

2008-08-06 16:34:30 / Rating: 482.5 /


I know doctors hear it all, but how many other people fracture their hand while rapping on the wall to try to get the neighbors to stop having such loud sex?

tags: humor hospital sex [add]

2008-08-06 16:33:06 / Rating: 771.75 /


"Well, I'm no gynecologist", I murmured into the phone, "But I'll come over and have a look."

tags: humor phone overheard [add]

2008-08-06 16:09:11 / Rating: 591.75 /


I need a vacuum cleaner to clean out my vacuum cleaner.

tags: humor [add]

2008-08-04 17:14:03 / Rating: 388 /


All I could think of as my friend sat naked next to me encouraging me to throw up was what a great One Sentence it would make.

tags: drunk friendship humor meta [add]

2008-08-04 09:49:49 / Rating: 715 /


I imagine the people at Harvard gave my application the same look Mary received from the Israelites when she told them her new son, Jesus, was immaculately conceived.

tags: humor religion college [add]

2008-07-30 14:41:13 / Rating: 865.25 /

Bottoms Up

It figures: the one time I get a hot-looking nurse, it's for my colonoscopy.

tags: humor medical nurse embarrassment [add]

2008-07-29 13:52:30 / Rating: 768.25 /

She deserved it.

I accidentally cut my finger open while slicing honeydew and bled on it, then licked the blood off, and served it to my mother-in-law.

tags: mother-in-law cut humor [add]

2008-07-25 16:12:07 / Rating: 590 /


When my girlfriend and I were robbed, the cop asked if the red spots on my neck were from the fight.

tags: hickies robbery humor [add]

2008-07-25 10:19:38 / Rating: 526 /


Did the nurse really have to laugh when my mom said her nine-year-old had dropped a toenail in his eye and we couldn't find it?

tags: medical child toenail humor embarrassment [add]

2008-07-22 12:23:17 / Rating: 645.5 /


He sang to me as we danced in the fountain and later he caressed my cheek, stroked my neck, touched my adam's apple, and asked me if I was a man.

tags: dating humor dating tragedy [add]

2008-07-21 16:12:16 / Rating: 682.25 /


When asked to donate a dollar to Lou Gehrig's Disease research (ALS), the customer replied, "No, I'm not a Yankees fan".

tags: humor [add]

2008-07-21 16:04:03 / Rating: 439.5 /


I discovered in front of the entire store that gourmet dog biscuits look like, but do not taste like, people cookies.

tags: humor dog biscuit food oops [add]

2008-07-21 15:36:48 / Rating: 585.5 /


I think my dad realized I would never take out the garbage again when the trash bag he told me to pick up turned out to be a three-foot-long snake coiled up in a corner.

tags: humor terror snake childhood [add]

2008-07-21 15:36:15 / Rating: 630.75 /


I panicked, thinking my precious fluffy cat had a tumor, until I realized he just had a Cocoa Puff stuck to his ass.

tags: cat humor confusion [add]

2008-07-18 01:26:39 / Rating: 998.75 /


I couldn't decide which was weirder: falling asleep next to a stack of unopened bank statements or waking up on top of a bunch of open ones.

tags: sleep humor memory [add]

2008-07-15 10:21:16 / Rating: 477.5 /


He was running towards me, calling my name, when all of the sudden he stopped and made a horrid face as he looked at his shoe.

tags: dog poop humor bad timing [add]

2008-07-10 15:32:45 / Rating: 537.5 /


We got quite the looks at the hospital, walking around with her hands glued to my feet in wheelbarrow position.

tags: prank painful humor [add]

2008-07-10 15:32:31 / Rating: 643.25 /


Yesterday, I got a black eye from a plastic hammer.

tags: two-year-olds humor life [add]

2008-07-10 15:31:22 / Rating: 475 /

Frog Kisser

I began to wonder what kind of vibe I was putting off when a guy gave me his number on a $20 bill, a married couple propositioned me, and I was set up with a porn star all in one week.

tags: dating single humor [add]

2008-07-09 17:38:21 / Rating: 702.25 /

Snafu Suz

As I dropped my spare change into his cup and heard a splash, I was horrified to realize he was not a homeless person begging for money but just a guy on the corner enjoying his coffee.

tags: humor embarassment coffee homeless [add]

2008-07-09 00:01:01 / Rating: 1032 /


When my wife's only comment to my former mistress was "Thanks for taking care of him while I was away," I knew that I would never again be unfaithful .

tags: love infidelity humor wit [add]

2008-07-08 23:59:56 / Rating: 749 /


The irony that I had taken a day off from my job collecting horse urine to go to the doctors and have to provide a urine sample did not escape me at all.

tags: job humor irony horses doctors [add]

2008-07-07 13:57:05 / Rating: 619 /

Say Aaaahhhh

The vet and I laughed until we cried when my boyfriend almost fainted because she took his cat's temperature rectally.

tags: medical humor cats boyfriend vet [add]

2008-07-03 12:00:13 / Rating: 723.5 /

Lisa K. S.

I thought he was going to ask me for a dollar, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend I blurted, "No, can't you get it from somebody else?"

tags: humor dating [add]

2008-07-01 15:13:13 / Rating: 931.75 /


I knew I was going to fail the class when the professor pulled me aside and asked, "Do you have a learning disability I should know about?"

tags: college education underachievement humor [add]

2008-07-01 15:12:30 / Rating: 802.25 /


The one-night-stand girl and I met again at an extended family reunion.

tags: sex humor [add]

2008-07-01 15:10:46 / Rating: 993.5 /


I couldn't stop staring at his crotch as we sorted concrete mixes in the lab.

tags: humor sex crush lust [add]

2008-07-01 15:03:20 / Rating: 564.75 /


I knew my boyfriend had finally been accepted into the family when my dad gave him a key to his garage.

tags: humor relationships acceptance [add]

2008-06-30 13:21:44 / Rating: 539 /


As I contemplated removing my birthmark, the woman in the dressing room said she used to have a birthmark just like that and then showed me the hideous scar that replaced it.

tags: humor birthmark dressing room scar removal [add]

2008-06-27 14:54:57 / Rating: 531.5 /


It was only when my English professor started replacing the "said"s with "and was like"s in my assignments that I started to question the worth of my high school diploma.

tags: humor school speech grammar high school [add]

2008-06-25 20:39:54 / Rating: 760.25 /


The cop and I had a delightful conversation about sweaters and the weather and to this day he does not know that I was drunk and not even 17 yet.

tags: drinking cops humor sweaters [add]

2008-06-25 16:05:41 / Rating: 617 /

Eliot Scott

When I called my dad, crying, from journalism camp and told him I had no friends, he explained, "Well, Eliot, you're kind of a nerd."

tags: parents advice humor [add]

2008-06-23 13:23:36 / Rating: 1119.75 /


As a first year science teacher, I realised that parent-teacher interviews formed my best ever lessons in human genetics.

tags: humor teaching [add]

2008-06-23 09:47:30 / Rating: 584.25 /


I don't care if your last name is a word for a genital condition, I still love every little thing about you.

tags: humor love relationship [add]

2008-06-18 10:21:41 / Rating: 739.5 /


The moment the bears arrived we knew we had picked the worse of the two campsites.

tags: humor camping bears [add]

2008-06-17 17:54:25 / Rating: 492 /

Sam W.

She realized I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.

tags: forgiveness humor salad dressing [add]

2008-06-16 16:10:13 / Rating: 417.75 /

Corner Room

It's not until you live in a dorm room that shares a wall with a stairwell that you realize people are horrible at carrying things up and down steps.

tags: stairs steps college breaking glass humor [add]

2008-06-13 13:40:49 / Rating: 691.5 /


Walking home in the pouring rain was not the best time to discover a hole in my shoe.

tags: humor rain shoes [add]

2008-06-13 13:39:44 / Rating: 447 /


I lost the ping-pong tournament to an exchange student who apparently has nothing better to do in his country.

tags: ping-pong exchange student humor [add]

2008-06-11 16:25:11 / Rating: 460.5 /


I would have never have met my true love if it weren't for my sudden desire to plant turnips.

tags: gardening love humor [add]

2008-06-11 13:10:15 / Rating: 642.5 /

What are the odds?

I knew God had a sense of humor when I hesitantly answered the ringing K-Mart payphone, only to hear my best friend, who had misdialed my home phone number, on the other end.

tags: coincidence telephone humor friends God random [add]

2008-06-10 10:39:09 / Rating: 6684 /


When the doctor told me I had strep throat, I knew it was time to confront my roommate about her illicit use of my toothbrush.

tags: humor sick [add]

2008-06-09 12:16:57 / Rating: 417.5 /

C. Lee

As I sat in the stranger's van, clutching my knee, the only thing I managed to say was, "I am SO sorry for bleeding on you seat, ma'am."

tags: injury kindness strangers humor [add]

2008-06-09 12:14:44 / Rating: 598.5 /


My friend had tears of joy in his eyes when he found out his locker number was 1337.

tags: high school humor [add]

2008-06-09 12:09:06 / Rating: 1038 /


It's a good thing the local news camera was only shooting from the chest up, because other than his tuxedo jacket, he was wearing fishnets, army boots, and not much else.

tags: father old photos ball costume news the whole picture humor art people [add]

2008-06-06 17:11:35 / Rating: 709.25 /


Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero.

tags: cancer humor mom hair [add]

2008-06-06 17:06:53 / Rating: 4790.25 /


Whenever my campus tour groups ask about the library facilities, I am tempted to explain to them how exactly I know that the private study rooms are soundproof.

tags: college humor [add]

2008-06-06 17:05:53 / Rating: 769.25 /


This morning, I found a spot on my washcloth that smelled like really good pot.

tags: morning shower humor pot washcloth smell [add]

2008-06-06 17:03:12 / Rating: 609 /


Carving my name into your arm with an old metal compass was probably not the best way to win my affection.

tags: middle school humor troubling math class [add]

2008-06-04 10:02:39 / Rating: 451.5 /


My doctor told me i was 2 lbs. overweight and suggested I join Weight Watchers.

tags: humor health doctor [add]

2008-06-03 15:36:47 / Rating: 522.5 /

Clsfd Kidd

I lit the gasoline-soaked, freshly-cut branches with a lighter that was about five feet too short.

tags: humor burns childhood ouch [add]

2008-06-02 13:33:55 / Rating: 589.5 /

Oh the irony

Reading through the unapproved sentences yesterday, I was impressed with the emotional intensity and similarity I had with one of them, until I realized it was one of my own.

tags: humor irony meta [add]

2008-05-30 10:09:50 / Rating: 697.25 /


As the vomit crawled up my throat I suddenly realized I was holding the barf bag upside down.

tags: humor childhood airplanes gross oops vomit [add]

2008-05-30 10:06:48 / Rating: 712.75 /


I used to want to be a writer when I grew up, until I learned the word "poverty."

tags: humor childhood writing work [add]

2008-05-28 15:56:22 / Rating: 722.25 /


I crashed my friend's car on a sandwich run and to top it off, I brought him back the wrong sandwich.

tags: humor mistake sandwich car accident [add]

2008-05-27 10:11:19 / Rating: 794.5 /


She realized her sleeping habits were going to change when the crack heads at the clinic next door smoked their cigarettes and chattered loudly at 5:45 AM for the 4th day in a row.

tags: humor neighbors sleep [add]

2008-05-23 11:16:53 / Rating: 496 /

That Mom

Would it be wrong to make my husband wear a bib?

tags: humor messy husband dirty shirt [add]

2008-05-23 11:12:25 / Rating: 391.25 /


We were going to stay up all night recording experimental music on his computer like John and Yoko, but then his mom came in and told us it was time for him to go to bed.

tags: music friend fun humor disappointment [add]

2008-05-21 09:36:07 / Rating: 715 /


There is no odder combination of items at the grocery store than a jar of Vaseline and a single cucumber.

tags: grocery store express lane humor self-stimulation vegetable molestation [add]

2008-05-21 09:34:51 / Rating: 616.25 /


My neighbor just found out that I get dressed with the blinds open.

tags: humor naked [add]

2008-05-21 09:33:33 / Rating: 502.25 /


We thought my dog had a tick and tried "smoking it out" with a hot match only to discover it was her nipple.

tags: dogs humor oops [add]

2008-05-14 13:56:41 / Rating: 800.75 /


Yesterday my five year old told me that he found out at school that Heaven is full of dead people.

tags: childhood humor heaven [add]

2008-05-13 12:03:10 / Rating: 733.5 /


I blew out my knee making love to my fiance a week before I had to go to the recruiters office.

tags: sex irony humor air force injury knee love [add]

2008-05-08 17:37:40 / Rating: 797 /


My uncle laughed uncontrollably at my flustered mother as she explained my mentally retarded brother's behavior of waving at cars while walking nude through the neighborhood, but the jokes ended the next day when it was my uncle who found a pile of my brother's clothes on the front porch.

tags: humor streaking friendly neighbors [add]

2008-05-08 17:35:25 / Rating: 465.5 /


I thought the worst gift ever given was a cheese grater given to my mom by my dad for Christmas, but he recently topped it with a flashlight, key chain and hand warmers for her birthday.

tags: humor gifts family. [add]

2008-05-07 13:53:50 / Rating: 399.5 /

Mike Drucker

Because he slept on the top bunk, my brother always called me "the monster under the bed."

tags: humor childhood sleep bunk bed tired monster [add]

2008-05-07 13:51:39 / Rating: 837.5 /


Yesterday my four-year-old married his "girlfriend" and they shared a fruit muffin as their wedding cake.

tags: humor childhood wedding [add]

2008-05-01 14:27:14 / Rating: 1061.75 /


The most romantic moment of my life ended with the word "boner."

tags: love humor kiss romance [add]

2008-04-30 14:52:26 / Rating: 865.5 /


My mother forgot to wash the pans between courses, resulting in cherry pie that tasted vaguely of fish, but it was still the best birthday ever.

tags: humor childhood fish mother [add]

2008-04-29 12:11:37 / Rating: 708 /


I used to think a futon was a cross between a crouton and a wonton, and would always get weird looks from the waitstaff when I'd try to order one at an Asian restaurant.

tags: humor dining food [add]

2008-04-28 10:27:35 / Rating: 676.5 /

Squeaky Clean

I got tested for STDs and had my ears cleaned today.

tags: doctor humor random [add]

2008-04-25 10:25:08 / Rating: 530.75 /


1 hour and 45 minutes, a talkative bald man, a crack-head with a faxing issue, and 13 color copies later, I am still hours away from ready for tomorrow.

tags: interview resume irony humor [add]

2008-04-25 10:22:44 / Rating: 538.25 /


It took me two years to realize that I'd sacrificed way too much to keep him happy, and I can't believe what finally sent me over the edge was him telling me "I think I'm a werewolf."

tags: humor relationships [add]

2008-04-18 10:19:15 / Rating: 720.25 /


My 86-year-old grandmother told me she'd always wanted to "blaze up a fat one."

tags: humor weed shocking grandmother [add]

2008-04-18 10:17:03 / Rating: 1015 /


As I put my backpack on, preparing to leave the bus, it tripped the emergency exit and it's very loud alarm signaling the start of another day of high school.

tags: humor high school embarrasing [add]

2008-04-17 18:08:37 / Rating: 403.25 /


When I woke up late one Saturday morning in a hotel room in Jerusalem with an Israeli soldier next to me, I knew I was finally living the dream.

tags: humor vacation fling Israel soldier [add]

2008-04-15 23:02:31 / Rating: 588.5 /

No credit, please

The support of the third grade class was striking, as the second grade's "Tinkerbell" died in silence.

tags: childhood humor [add]

2008-04-15 10:16:44 / Rating: 518.75 /


As I was washing my hands I noticed the lack of urinals along the wall and realized I had made this mistake twice in the same day.

tags: humor bathroom mistake oops [add]

2008-04-15 10:06:10 / Rating: 877 /


When I wrenched my back unpacking the massage table, her anniversary gift suddenly became "ours."

tags: humor anniversary injury gift irony [add]

2008-04-15 10:05:44 / Rating: 643.75 /


At four, Sam ordered his first hamburger, and when the waitress asked, "Certainly, sir, medium?" replied indignantly, "No, large!"

tags: kids humor food [add]

2008-04-10 15:40:07 / Rating: 873 /

Cinnamon Stillwater

I don't know if it was the alcohol, the darkness or the rush to put my clothing back on that made me fall onto the cactus.

tags: ouch skinny dipping humor drunk drinking night [add]

2008-04-10 14:56:44 / Rating: 873.5 /

Kelly Braden

I asked my local newspaper to discontinue littering their typo filled publication on my doorstep, having cancelled my subscription last week.

tags: humor grammar media [add]

2008-04-08 17:02:24 / Rating: 422.5 /

Stephanie E.

I went to the emergency room and was diagnosed with a headache.

tags: humor health irony [add]

2008-04-07 14:21:43 / Rating: 561.25 /

No, I'm not pregnant

It was when I brought my selected books to the library check-out counter and the librarian looked at me funny that I started to reconsider my reasearch paper topic on abortion.

tags: teenage girl research paper abortion awkward humor library [add]

2008-04-07 14:20:57 / Rating: 602.5 /


I realized I was getting old when I referred to something that happenend two years ago by "the other day."

tags: humor old age [add]

2008-04-04 14:28:05 / Rating: 595.75 /


As I rummaged through the cereal box sleepy eyed this morning, a bit of sadness came over me when I remembered adult cereals don't contain prizes.

tags: childhood humor [add]

2008-04-02 15:22:52 / Rating: 811.25 /


As he watched them make his hamburger from the counter, my four year old announced loudly that he was no longer interested in being an astronaut when he grew up but would prefer to have a job at McDonalds.

tags: humor childhood McDonalds embarrassing [add]

2008-04-01 12:10:56 / Rating: 841 /


When she told me she had seen me driving around town my first thought was, "Oh, God, I hope I wasn't picking my nose!"

tags: humor [add]

2008-03-27 20:36:11 / Rating: 435.5 /


I was grateful to my father for finding the ointment until I realized it had expired nineteen years earlier.

tags: humor father absent minded [add]

2008-03-27 20:35:19 / Rating: 600 /

Wedgie Picker

I turned my back to a car and picked my wedgie so no one would see, but it turned out there were 2 passengers in the car.

tags: humor oops [add]

2008-03-26 13:29:03 / Rating: 668.5 /

mathematically challenged

I'm so terrible at math that my precalculus teacher had me write an essay about why I'm terrible at math so I wouldn't fail the class.

tags: math high school humor [add]

2008-03-26 13:24:59 / Rating: 687.25 /

that girl on the couch

Melted ice cream makes a very poor projectile.

tags: humor dairy products [add]

2008-03-26 13:19:25 / Rating: 353.25 /


It's 10:30 pm on a Saturday night, and I get a text from my mom: "Will you pimp my MySpace?"

tags: mom humor myspace [add]

2008-03-25 10:52:21 / Rating: 889 /


I hadn't understood just how much I hated my roommate until I laughed while watching her walk into a glass door and break her nose.

tags: humor college [add]

2008-03-25 10:49:20 / Rating: 641.75 /


I started to think I wasn't being taken seriously when he reached over and honked my nose.

tags: humor nose [add]

2008-03-21 17:13:25 / Rating: 577 /


I vacuumed, on purpose, the rug and, acidentally, the cat.

tags: cat rug humor vacuum [add]

2008-03-21 17:09:08 / Rating: 687.75 /

The Day The Music Died

And that, my friends, is how I ended up getting my first kiss (from a complete stranger, to boot) at Rocky Horror Picture Show night.

tags: first kiss humor college [add]

2008-03-19 09:52:14 / Rating: 603 /


Right after my brother asked for a sign from God, I noticed someone had written the words "FUCK OFF" in the dirt.

tags: religious humor [add]

2008-03-12 17:42:02 / Rating: 891 /

Death and Taxes

He asked me if I would still file his taxes for him after I told him I didn't think I loved him anymore.

tags: love humor taxes [add]

2008-03-10 10:18:54 / Rating: 625.25 /

Eternal Flame

I forget which was funnier: the joke my friend told at lunch, or the milk that I shot out of my nose.

tags: humor milk oops [add]

2008-03-10 10:18:13 / Rating: 610.25 /


As I sat happily eating a cup of ice cream, I suddenly noticed the unpleasant taste of dish soap.

tags: eating humor ice cream dish soap spoon wasn't rinsed good enough [add]

2008-03-07 16:56:09 / Rating: 560 /


I called a certain moronic President a "bozo" and my mom told me that we do not "blaspheme the president."

tags: interesting word choice humor politics Republicans Democrats [add]

2008-03-06 13:02:16 / Rating: 609 /

Michele G.

None of us realized how loudly we were talking until the word "vagina" rang out into the hallway and seemed to just hang there like red neon.

tags: humor job friends [add]

2008-03-05 12:37:04 / Rating: 688.25 /


You know it's time to do dishes when you find yourself eating a TV dinner with a butter knife.

tags: humor cleaning single life college [add]

2008-03-03 12:58:11 / Rating: 779.75 /


Sitting at my desk I think of the days before the minivan and can almost smell the beer drenched microphone.

tags: memory humor longing business [add]

2008-02-25 21:26:46 / Rating: 607.25 /


As I took off my shirt for him to tattoo "Bite Me, Please!" on my back, he said "I can see why."

tags: tattoo humor masochism [add]

2008-02-25 21:23:42 / Rating: 499.25 /


I knew my step-son had been overly sheltered when he told me a character from Guitar Hero III was the "black version of Jimi Hendrix."

tags: childhood humor step-parenting [add]

2008-02-22 16:11:21 / Rating: 791 /


He wanted to continue our morning romp, but our new kittens were sitting on the bed and they looked like a couple of dashboard bobble head ornaments watching us and he couldn't stop laughing.

tags: interrupted humor [add]

2008-02-22 16:09:48 / Rating: 704.25 /


It was only after I shattered the chocolate heart that I wondered if allegories worked outside of literary works.

tags: humor love heartbreak chocolate [add]

2008-02-22 16:09:16 / Rating: 751 /


About the dumbest thing you can say about an embalmed body at a funeral is that they "look good," but that is what everyone kept saying.

tags: death humor funeral [add]

2008-02-20 16:22:18 / Rating: 711.5 /


Everytime I tripped when I was younger I used to think my feet were plotting against me and my hands were my only true friends.

tags: humor childhood [add]

2008-02-13 13:18:41 / Rating: 941.25 /


As I put away my birth certificate that was returned with my new passport, I found the passport I thought I lost.

tags: humor oops irony [add]

2008-02-13 13:07:17 / Rating: 556.75 /


As a kid dripping in mud, I couldn't see why bringing four frogs home in a zip lock bag was bad idea.

tags: humor childhood frogs bad idea [add]

2008-02-11 16:54:22 / Rating: 562 /


She meant to say "You crack me up," but the words escaped as "You creep me out."

tags: child humor niece misunderstanding youth [add]

2008-02-08 16:50:28 / Rating: 681 /


I offered him some water, and instead of answering, he told me my refrigerator smelled bad.

tags: relationships humor [add]

2008-02-05 10:42:07 / Rating: 432.75 /


I gave my mother mono because I secretly drank out of the cartoon of orange juice and put it back in the fridge.

tags: mom humor sick [add]

2008-02-05 10:36:16 / Rating: 595.75 /


I woke up naked next to my friend with three hundred dollars in chips in my hand and thought, "I love Vegas."

tags: vacation humor Vegas [add]

2008-01-31 12:08:08 / Rating: 496.75 /

The Guru

I nearly fell off my bike laughing after seeing the standard poodle sniffing around on the housetop without a care in the world, particularly to that of gravity.

tags: humor double take dog roof unexpected [add]

2008-01-31 12:06:27 / Rating: 622.75 /


I was at the dentist and I burped, then he told me what I had for breakfast.

tags: dentist humor food [add]

2008-01-29 15:30:56 / Rating: 708.5 /


I farted in the kitchen and my roommate broke her toe.

tags: college humor broken [add]

2008-01-29 15:28:54 / Rating: 598 /


Imagine my two girls as they opened up their exciting Christmas toy, squeezed goop into molds, put the mold into the oven, then waited, and waited, and waited, realizing that there was no heat, no light bulb, and would be no bug - just a bunch of disappointing goo.

tags: childhood toys Christmas humor [add]

2008-01-25 13:21:04 / Rating: 615 /

heh heh...

Ever since my electric toothbrush turned on in my bookbag that morning, I've been getting weird looks from people in my English class.

tags: humor hygiene not what you think [add]

2008-01-22 18:11:34 / Rating: 522.5 /


He gently suggested that perhaps I consider broadening my cheese horizons and I almost burst into tears.

tags: stress boyfriends humor cheese [add]

2008-01-18 10:52:54 / Rating: 587.5 /


I realized what irony was when I reached for my box of birth control hidden in a baby's onesie.

tags: humor irony sex babies [add]

2008-01-16 14:21:53 / Rating: 634.75 /


My co-worker, who is named Patience, is the most stressed out person I know.

tags: irony humor the office [add]

2008-01-16 14:20:08 / Rating: 514.5 /


After I insisted he finish the leftover tomato soup that "tasted funny," I remembered I ate the rest of soup for lunch yesterday.

tags: humor food soup oops [add]

2008-01-11 13:59:01 / Rating: 684.75 /


Lots of things remind me of you, like paper-cuts, couples fighting in the supermarket, and oil spills.

tags: love break-ups humor [add]

2008-01-11 13:56:59 / Rating: 722.25 /


Seeing a 40 year old crack whore wearing a shirt saying "You can't afford me" and knowing she's probably right made me realize I'd hit rock bottom.

tags: humor [add]

2007-12-31 11:57:16 / Rating: 2454.5 /


She thought I was looking at myself in the mirror, but I was actually flirting with another girl from across the room whose ass and eyes I caught in the reflection.

tags: flirtation sex humor irony love romance wonder mystery bullshit [add]

2007-12-27 12:25:39 / Rating: 794.5 /


They didn't have the DVD she wanted at Wal-Mart, so I bought her a big red bong for Christmas instead.

tags: humor drugs christmas roommates [add]

2007-12-27 12:21:24 / Rating: 648.25 /


Until last year I never realized that people in mental institutions really do color and put jigsaw puzzles together.

tags: depression suicide humor [add]

2007-12-13 00:18:46 / Rating: 706.25 /

i'm still sorry about that

I seriously never thought I was going to crack up in the middle of my first kiss.

tags: humor memories firsts [add]

2007-12-07 15:03:53 / Rating: 642.75 /


Each time one of my best girl friends calls with news that they are engaged I automatically play "Another One Bites the Dust," in my head though I feign excitement and tears for them.

tags: marriages best friends music humor [add]

2007-12-06 12:17:58 / Rating: 641.5 /


The first clue it's been a long day is when you profess your love to the vending machine down the hall.

tags: work stress chocolate humor [add]

2007-12-03 15:16:43 / Rating: 679.25 /


Sitting at work, editing boring conference sound clips, all I wanted to do was save them under the "Death Metal" Genre and see if anyone noticed.

tags: work humor death metal conference [add]

2007-11-30 13:38:11 / Rating: 557.75 /


My brother ambled into the room, sipping his drink, and said thoughtfully: "You know, I wish there was something like iced tea... but warm."

tags: humor [add]

2007-11-30 13:36:07 / Rating: 653.25 /


As a child, I would lay my shirt on the bed with the front facing me and then lift the shirt over my head, inadvertently ensuring that I had it on backward every single day.

tags: childhood humor shirt backward [add]

2007-11-26 12:37:21 / Rating: 646.75 /


This morning while in the shower the ground shook, and I realized my greatest fear is to die naked.

tags: death humor shower [add]

2007-11-26 12:36:50 / Rating: 792 /


An intoxicated man pointed to a car's license plate and said to me "This chinaman is from Iwo Jima" and when I looked at the license plate it said "IOWA."

tags: humor college drunk [add]

2007-11-24 18:32:42 / Rating: 686 /


When I was a kid I thought vampire's teeth were like straws.

tags: childhood humor vampires [add]

2007-11-24 18:28:55 / Rating: 733 /


Of all the things for a teacher to overhear me saying in class, "chafed areola" was probably not the best, even in context.

tags: school humor embarassment [add]

2007-11-15 22:21:55 / Rating: 795.5 /

tanya kristine

One morning while training a new employee, I silently farted and she said "Mmm! Someone’s cooking bacon!"

tags: farting humor [add]

2007-11-15 21:48:55 / Rating: 698.25 /


I knew I was pronouncing "island" (is-land) wrong when I discovered the word "isle" in third grade.

tags: humor reading school childhood english [add]

2007-11-14 10:54:09 / Rating: 707 /


As I looked back on that horribly mortifying moment I realized it could have been much worse, it could have been my mom that walked in.

tags: hindsight humor embarrassing teenagers making out [add]

2007-11-12 22:47:18 / Rating: 724.5 /

Pay no attention to the backhoe outside

Our family's ability to pretend nothing is wrong was never tested more than when the backhoe burying my neice's horse was operating in full view of the Thanksgiving Dinner table.

tags: humor holidays pretend [add]

2007-11-07 13:14:19 / Rating: 523.75 /

Holy Roller Novocaine

I may have cost my company ten million dollars yesterday, but it's more important for me right now to figure out who in my office I would cast in 'Office Space' roles.

tags: humor movies work [add]

2007-11-07 13:13:45 / Rating: 582 /


I was never very close with my Grandfather, so it's no surprise that when he died and all my cousins received a cherished belonging of his, I got some socks.

tags: humor grandfather death [add]

2007-11-05 13:30:09 / Rating: 561 /


There are two kinds of friends in the world: the ones who help you up when you've passed out in a bar and call a cab and the ones that take 'funny' pictures of you.

tags: friends humor drunk bar [add]

2007-11-05 13:20:56 / Rating: 2291.5 /


"$8.59 is a very reasonable price for peace of mind," she thought as she pitched the negative pregnancy test in the trash.

tags: humor worry pregnancy [add]

2007-11-02 14:36:52 / Rating: 810 /

We Say Goodbye

For 6 months I tried to figure out what was different about her before her mother told me about her nose job.

tags: plastic surgery nose job telling humor [add]

2007-10-29 10:15:15 / Rating: 396.5 /

The Song In My Head

Our manager didn't know that you had to push a button to make the drive-thru window open again so her face got stuck.

tags: button drive-thru window face stuck humor work manager [add]

2007-10-29 10:14:57 / Rating: 873.75 /


Sitting there stoned out of my mind on medical-grade marijuana, I thought I'd lost the ability to comprehend the English language, but then I realized that my brother-in-law was jabbering away at me with his dentures out.

tags: stoned drugs humor marijuana dentures [add]

2007-10-29 10:13:46 / Rating: 791.25 /


No one noticed us hooking up beneath the covers during movie night.

tags: humor movies high school [add]

2007-10-29 10:10:32 / Rating: 540.75 /


He endlessly enjoyed being the one white gay boy in a gaggle of straight black girls.

tags: humor [add]

2007-10-26 12:56:26 / Rating: 413 /


I stopped eating meat after seeing 'Chicken Run'.

tags: humor vegetarian film [add]

2007-10-26 12:55:13 / Rating: 499.5 /


I love watching people's faces as they realize that when I'm talking about my parents, it's not Mom and Dad but Mom and Deb.

tags: lesbian family humor [add]

2007-10-25 10:35:43 / Rating: 743.25 /


When I regained consciousness, I found myself sitting on a toilet, pants round my ankles, and angry men banging on the door.

tags: humor drunkeness student antics [add]

2007-10-22 14:08:28 / Rating: 529.75 /

Pharmacy Tech

As I handed Mr. Paul his wife's prescription-strength deodorant, I commented on the nice weather we were having, and he responded, "Once while I was in the Pacific, a cloud followed me around for a year, and all the boys would say, 'Here comes ol' McGinty.'"

tags: work humor bizarre [add]

2007-10-22 14:08:05 / Rating: 624.5 /

taper jean girl

My best friend looked out at the ocean, back at the shore and then at me, and asked "What happened to our clothes?"

tags: humor beach naked skinny dip ocean best friend [add]

2007-10-22 13:56:11 / Rating: 758 /


I've become so addicted to this web site that I'm reduced to condensing every event of every day to a single sentence including movies, my work day and the birth of my grandchild.

tags: humor OCD meta [add]

2007-10-15 17:31:37 / Rating: 661 /


I sometimes wonder if tricycling head-first into a metal pole when I was three and not being able to remember it happening are connected.

tags: head scars humor childhood [add]

2007-10-10 13:32:38 / Rating: 555.5 /


I can only hope that my spaghetti surprise dinner party isn't a complete disaster, but it doesn't help that I don't even have enough cutlery for eight guests.

tags: humor food [add]

2007-10-08 17:34:00 / Rating: 452.25 /


He likes the haircut we gave him even though he can't see the big bald spot we left on the back of his head.

tags: haircut humor [add]

2007-10-08 10:53:37 / Rating: 455.5 /

Jeremy Firth

Old people living on dog food because it's all they can afford must know about a brand I haven't tried yet.

tags: humor dog food [add]

2007-10-05 10:27:01 / Rating: 465.5 /


I would've gone easier on him if I had realized he joined the fencing class for me.

tags: humor love crush fencing [add]

2007-10-02 10:28:03 / Rating: 658 /


Afterwards, I accidentally blurted out, "That was better!"

tags: sex humor embarassment [add]

2007-09-29 00:22:03 / Rating: 731.25 /


I was just thinking that I have never heard him speak when he looked up at the board and said in an almost musical voice, "That's a big number."

tags: humor class history guys nice voice numbers [add]

2007-09-28 12:34:28 / Rating: 608.25 /


I think that I must be the only one who observes soberly dressed office workers on their way to and from work and wonders if they are wearing brightly coloured underwear beneath their suits.

tags: office work humour underwear humor [add]

2007-09-27 12:28:46 / Rating: 812 /


It's undeniable: I DO get a strange thrill out of going to the gas station in the middle of the night to buy ice cream in my pyjamas.

tags: pyjamas ice cream thrills humor [add]

2007-09-27 12:27:59 / Rating: 526.75 /


It's not particularly motivating when you're trying to write out how you feel about her, only to have iTunes find every song about failed love on your computer and play them in uncanny succession.

tags: humor love computers itunes [add]

2007-09-26 07:57:31 / Rating: 698.75 /


"Ya, 'sall good man," is not an appropriate response to a declaration of affection.

tags: love humor inappropriate remarks [add]

2007-09-26 01:09:45 / Rating: 535.75 /

That girl

I deleted my Facebook account when my past wall posts started ruining my current relationship.

tags: humor stupid facebook internet horrors relationship [add]

2007-09-26 01:07:08 / Rating: 638.25 /


It seemed quite fitting that he lived on a dead-end street.

tags: humor dead end life [add]

2007-09-24 09:33:42 / Rating: 590 /

Doug Young

I've stopped dancing on my work desk after hours ever since I learned anyone can see right through the blinds.

tags: humor work [add]

2007-09-24 09:32:59 / Rating: 572.5 /


I was preparing to call her weeaboo for writing her thread title in Japanese until I realized that I was actually angry at her for forming a question without using the word ka.

tags: hypocrisy humor Japanese language [add]

2007-09-24 09:32:03 / Rating: 575.75 /


He needed that dollar for parking so he smashed the money maze puzzle with a baseball bat.

tags: money need humor men boyfriend poor amusement smashed [add]

2007-09-24 09:31:11 / Rating: 630 /


I turned the stove on to boil some water and four hours later I found the teapot melted to the burner.

tags: humor tea forgetting accident oops [add]

2007-09-19 15:03:35 / Rating: 691 /

Texas Honkey

I am a 25-year-old journalist who graduated high school with honors, is finishing up my English degree and I can't spell the word calander.

tags: irony spelling grammer english humor [add]

2007-09-13 13:51:26 / Rating: 678.25 /


Turning 49, she supposed, was preferable to being dead.

tags: baby boomer humor [add]

2007-09-11 12:57:13 / Rating: 399 /


He laughed and told me I was still gorgeous after the freshly speared cuttlefish inked me in the face.

tags: humor fishing romance beauty [add]

2007-09-10 12:08:29 / Rating: 645.75 /

The Cereal Sympathiser

As a child, I used to eat all my cereal in case I hurt the feelings of any pieces of left-behind cereal.

tags: humor cereal childhood [add]

2007-09-07 22:45:38 / Rating: 865.75 /


Anyone else would have screamed too if a possum tried to climb up their shorts.

tags: humor childhood possums fright [add]

2007-09-07 22:42:53 / Rating: 568.25 /


You should have seen the looks on their faces when I, the girl who abhors underage drinking, announced that one of my goals in life is to try Canadian beer.

tags: humor alcohol college friends [add]

2007-08-28 23:05:44 / Rating: 572.5 /

Marty B

My two-year-old was trying to say "I'm stuck," but I thought she said "I'm a duck" and spent the next five minutes playing along and making "quacking" sounds.

tags: toddler humor funny quack duck stuck [add]

2007-08-23 18:07:36 / Rating: 1162 /


I told my three year old son that he was putting his shoes on the wrong feet and he responded that they were the only feet that he had.

tags: childhood humor early years [add]

2007-08-23 17:52:47 / Rating: 1056.5 /


"I'm not your mother," I said, and he replied "I'm pretty sure that you are."

tags: wrong number humor [add]

2007-08-20 18:05:45 / Rating: 449.75 /


The first time a boy told me he loved me, I laughed and said, "No, you don't."

tags: humor love [add]

2007-08-15 12:59:26 / Rating: 707.25 /


Vomiting in the middle of a club was a mistake in itself, but then the biggest mistake of all i feel, was asking the man in the kebab shop if my breath stank.

tags: vomit drunkeness humor [add]

2007-08-12 17:00:00 / Rating: 507.25 /


I informed my husband that I wanted a divorce after he told me that he doesn't like marshmallows.

tags: humor funny food sweet candy [add]

2007-08-14 16:58:54 / Rating: 675.75 /


Rather than have the same pointless and one-sided conversation I'd suffered through so many times before, I gambled and told him I had become a Buddhist.

tags: religion humor lies gambling [add]

2007-08-07 16:22:45 / Rating: 686.5 /


The typo on the Chinese food take-out menu claimed that their Garlic Shrimp contained "flesh mushrooms," and now I can't eat there without giggling like a twelve year old.

tags: humor food Chinese food sex penis typo [add]

2007-08-07 16:19:05 / Rating: 753.5 /


One of the most humiliating moments of my life happened in front of my favorite musician, and the song he wrote about that moment is on his new album.

tags: alcohol more alcohol bad judgment falling down crying humor [add]

2007-08-06 17:08:14 / Rating: 711 /


I didn't realize just how short I was until, during student teaching, I found myself asking my 4th graders to reach things for me.

tags: humor embarrassed student teaching teaching children short [add]

2007-08-06 17:05:31 / Rating: 697.5 /


Visiting Virginia, I thought the grocery clerk was calling my newborn son precious when in fact she was telling me in her southern drawl to "press yes" on the keypad.

tags: humor fatherhood misunderstanding pride embarrassment grocery precious [add]

2007-08-06 17:02:46 / Rating: 568.75 /


After you didn't respond to my text, IM, comment, post, missed call, voice mail, and message, I realized you really didn't want to do hookah with me.

tags: humor hookah [add]

2007-08-03 15:42:39 / Rating: 436.75 /


I slammed my finger in the till at work today and told my boyfriend it would definitely have to be amputated at the shoulder.

tags: ouch humor work boyfriend [add]

2007-08-01 12:39:52 / Rating: 686.5 /


Today, a lady called my manager and referred to me and the other host as "incompetent idiots."

tags: work oops humor [add]

2007-07-31 14:35:58 / Rating: 542.75 /


It smells pretty funny by my computer at the lab, and I'm seriously wondering if it's the frog that escaped last week.

tags: science laboratory frogs humor [add]

2007-07-30 13:30:22 / Rating: 508 /


The guinea pig's name was Kaytee until I caught him cleaning his organ one day.

tags: pets shock humor guinea pigs oops uneducated pet store clerks [add]

2007-07-30 13:29:14 / Rating: 663.5 /


Our non-bi-lingual manager was highly embarrased to find he had been screaming not praise, but "Cheese! Cheese!" at everyone in spanish.

tags: humor McDonalds language spanish work [add]

2007-07-30 13:28:57 / Rating: 673 /

The guy wearing the bowler hat

World of Warcraft is the sober man's crack cocaine, and I will fight against it with as much vigor as does the United States government.

tags: humor addiction dependency vritual reality [add]

2007-07-27 09:27:15 / Rating: 510.25 /

The guy wearing the bowler hat

As hot as double lip piercings are, as slender were her hips, and as beautiful were her eyes, anti-psychotics are an instant stop sign.

tags: humor insanity drugs beauty attraction [add]

2007-07-27 09:27:05 / Rating: 695.75 /


I knew we were destined to fall in love when she told me she too was a big fan of zombie movies.

tags: zombie love movie humor [add]

2007-07-24 16:45:02 / Rating: 638.25 /


I explained what rehab and detox are to my 6 year old brother yesterday.

tags: humor rehab detox sibling [add]

2007-07-24 16:42:37 / Rating: 416.5 /


Asked by my small daughter, "How long does a clock take?", I had to wonder.

tags: humor philosophy children [add]

2007-07-23 13:28:20 / Rating: 691.25 /


By the look on her face, I knew that I had just told my Arabic teacher that she was tasty.

tags: Arabic mistake oops humor [add]

2007-07-20 15:43:27 / Rating: 790.75 /


My horn was broken, so I waved my arms trying to get the car in front of me to notice the green light.

tags: humor driving [add]

2007-07-20 15:43:05 / Rating: 493.25 /


I've never needed a yogurt on the go, but I still buy Go-gurt.

tags: humor yogurt childhood? [add]

2007-07-17 13:10:03 / Rating: 456.5 /


After adopting my father's habit of sitting through the entirety of movie credits, I realized that it had payed off when I saw the name Shelita Buffet scroll across the screen.

tags: movies fathers humor childhood [add]

2007-07-16 15:25:42 / Rating: 781.5 /


I was so glad that my previous sentence was the #1024, as if it was enough to make the geek I dream to be.

tags: humor meta geek [add]

2007-07-12 21:17:11 / Rating: 486 /

Nic Darling

My dog has eaten a bag of Hershey Kisses, an entire Vonnegut novel and a tube of super glue without ill effect, but a bowl of the wrong brand of dog food required a roll of paper towels and a bottle of disinfectant to remedy.

tags: humor dog [add]

2007-07-11 12:58:57 / Rating: 697.25 /


I had been crying for hours, so I felt a little silly when the moment he told me he was on his way right over, I stopped.

tags: crying love humor irony depression [add]

2007-07-09 10:09:16 / Rating: 758 /


Nothing has surprised me quite like the sudden, unexpected appearance of a baby mule in our pasture one average Saturday morning.

tags: humor mule unexpected [add]

2007-07-06 09:52:42 / Rating: 488.5 /


The 3-year-old yells out the window to a vagrant with compassion, "Watch out man, the ants bite real bad!"

tags: kids children humor [add]

2007-07-06 09:52:07 / Rating: 676.25 /


He was standing in my kitchen when I stepped out of the shower and before thinking I shouted, "I'm always wet when I see you!"

tags: oops humor double entendre [add]

2007-07-05 17:13:27 / Rating: 804.5 /


The broccoli-cheese potato was perfectly cooked, but the pickles mysteriously had corn on them.

tags: food humor lunch salad bar [add]

2007-07-03 17:11:33 / Rating: 502.5 /


As I stared at his bare chest I had this uncanny desire to bite his nipples.

tags: humor romance [add]

2007-07-02 14:33:34 / Rating: 542.5 /


When I mocked the name of Jean-Paul Sartre's daughter in a school presentation, my teacher replied, "Actually, Arlette is my middle name."

tags: humor embarrassment european history school jean-paul sartre [add]

2007-06-26 16:59:26 / Rating: 595.25 /


Perhaps it was karmic retribution that in rising to hug my father goodbye, my kneecap dislocated, and I never got that hug.

tags: humor karma love hug parents father pain [add]

2007-06-26 16:57:03 / Rating: 890.5 /


On his last day of class, the middle school foreign language teacher concisely summed up his opinion of the year with the words, "Fuck off," then left the room without looking back while his co-teacher translated what he just said into Korean.

tags: Korea teaching teacher middle school foreign language travel job humor [add]

2007-06-25 10:42:16 / Rating: 787.5 /


After I found a dirty old gym sock in my locker on the first day of freshman year, I knew high school was going to be the worst four years of my life.

tags: humor high school childhood [add]

2007-06-22 13:33:33 / Rating: 661.5 /


I laughed when he tried to send a text message to her because I secretly changed her phone number when he wasn't looking.

tags: phone friends jealousy selfish love humor [add]

2007-06-22 10:43:54 / Rating: 798 /

Sparkle the Clown

Crying doesn't always get you out of a speeding ticket once a cop has pulled you over, but it does help if you happen to be dressed as a clown at the time.

tags: clown humor police [add]

2007-06-21 09:34:03 / Rating: 641.5 /


Luckily his brother didn't pick the lock until after we were getting dressed.

tags: siblings humor sex [add]

2007-06-20 15:02:25 / Rating: 578.25 /


I was secretly pleased when the doctor told me that the medication may discolour my urine and feces.

tags: humor medication [add]

2007-06-20 14:53:20 / Rating: 571 /


I was a Jedi until I got my boobs and then was told I had to be Princess Leia and wait to be rescued.

tags: humor childhood Star Wars coming of age [add]

2007-06-20 14:53:02 / Rating: 1040 /


World of Warcraft led to the end of our relationship, but has now become a healthy part of it.

tags: relationship humor irony love change accepted video games world of warcraft [add]

2007-06-19 14:07:44 / Rating: 758.25 /

too lame to be emo

When he said he didn't think I had it in me, I grabbed my razor just to prove him wrong, and immediately realised that cutting myself fucking HURT and I didn't really want to do that ever again.

tags: cutting humor ouch [add]

2007-06-19 11:07:07 / Rating: 635.25 /


I knew what would happen if I let her take off my shirt, but I just wasn't willing to lose my virginity to a girl whose favorite movie was "Eurotrip."

tags: humor sex movies [add]

2007-06-15 22:52:06 / Rating: 885.5 /


I wonder every day what it would be like to have achieved my childhood dreams, knowing it's impossible to grow up to be a kitten.

tags: humor childhood dreams growing up stupid [add]

2007-06-15 13:47:45 / Rating: 1074.25 /


My five-year-old explained that he couldn't get out of bed because he was too sick, he "haves a cold AND a hot."

tags: humor kids sick [add]

2007-06-15 13:37:39 / Rating: 626 /

Mr. Johnson

I think I've been making smart enough decisions so far, considering that my future self hasn't traveled back in time and beaten the crap out of me.

tags: intelligence humor time travel [add]

2007-06-15 13:36:30 / Rating: 739.5 /


"We found your hat ma'am," said the boat conductor baldly, "but the wig wasn't in it."

tags: humor disneyland quote hat wig [add]

2007-06-15 13:36:00 / Rating: 501.25 /

I've Tasted Flight

Upon asking my 5-year old son how many hotdogs he wanted for dinner, he said, "Ninety-nine five."

tags: humor kids hot dogs food [add]

2007-06-14 16:52:34 / Rating: 610.5 /


"Sorry, sweetie," Mom said as she used some napkins to wipe the elephant snot off my forearm, "but he took all your peanuts."

tags: childhood mothers humor elephants [add]

2007-06-14 14:57:08 / Rating: 779.25 /


They thought it was weird that I ate molasses on my cheese.

tags: humor food molasses cheese [add]

2007-06-14 14:56:59 / Rating: 604.75 /


My life has been a never-ending series of bad haircuts and parking tickets.

tags: realization life humor [add]

2007-06-11 16:15:28 / Rating: 706.25 /

That Girl

When you asked how I got the poison ivy on my back, I didn't have the heart to tell you it was from rolling around in the grass with my new boyfriend.

tags: humor love family embarassing [add]

2007-06-08 17:59:30 / Rating: 642.5 /

Where's that darn halo...?

The "One Sentence Finger" at the top of this page points to my Firefox bookmark labeled 'Twitter' but it's actually my favorite erotica archive.

tags: humor secret silly meta [add]

2007-06-08 17:59:17 / Rating: 658.5 /

Missing: Love

I've never been on a plane but in September I'm flying 3,000 miles to meet a guy who makes me laugh and was arrested by the Mexican police.

tags: humor romance relationships flying [add]

2007-06-07 09:32:34 / Rating: 698.25 /


Under the couch is not a good place to dispose of the food that you don't want to eat.

tags: humor childhood [add]

2007-06-07 09:31:51 / Rating: 531.25 /


As I rounded the hill of the I-35 & I-435 interchange, I thought it was just an old guy in tight white pants whose car had broken down, but then when he turned around, I realized he was an Elvis impersonator, complete with studded polyester pants, tight chest-hair showing shirt, big sunglasses, and the Elvis hair.

tags: humor car roadside Kansas City Elvis Elvis impersonator [add]

2007-06-07 09:31:43 / Rating: 612.75 /

Johnny Knoxville

I swear to god, the doctor actually said, "This guy's some kind of queer putting toy cars up his ass."

tags: jackass humor toy car rectum damn near killed 'em [add]

2007-06-05 17:15:34 / Rating: 587 /


I realized it was Sunday when I drove up to Chick-fil-a and it was closed.

tags: humor chicken sunday [add]

2007-06-04 11:33:21 / Rating: 510.25 /


I recently found out that my husband's regular password for all of his accounts is "titties2."

tags: humor sexuality husband secret [add]

2007-06-03 00:35:59 / Rating: 846 /

Jesse Glass

I dreamed in my 10th story hotel room that I was on a roller-coaster in America, but when I awoke I was in the middle of an earthquake in Ginza, Japan.

tags: Japan humor dream earthquake [add]

2007-06-01 11:32:09 / Rating: 569.25 /

Average man

She screamed as I pulled back the shower curtain and doused her with a pitcher of iced tea.

tags: humor shower prank [add]

2007-05-31 14:50:37 / Rating: 574.25 /


There was a time in high school when I thought nihilism was cool.

tags: humor nihilism [add]

2007-05-30 13:37:41 / Rating: 413.5 /

Jesse Glass

Immediately after losing my virginity I had a vision of one endless sidewalk in summer illuminated by the afternoon sun.

tags: sexuality humor adulthood [add]

2007-05-29 15:57:55 / Rating: 536 /


There's nothing quite like a party with two of your ex-girlfriends and one current one.

tags: humor party awkward ex-girlfriends [add]

2007-05-23 13:24:40 / Rating: 607.75 /

how i'd like to be credited

One day, our kids will look through old photo albums and say, "Hey, why did Mom go to prom with you AND Uncle Chris, especially since Uncle Chris likes BOYS?"

tags: childhood prom gay humor [add]

2007-05-10 10:41:46 / Rating: 800.5 /

SJ Boredome

I acknowledged the fact that I have no life when the first thing I do every morning is check

tags: humor life bored meta [add]

2007-05-10 10:40:17 / Rating: 651.5 /

Sabres in 2007

We knew we did the right thing when we found the uncooked bacon strip under our recently axed employee's desk.

tags: humor work ex-employee [add]

2007-05-09 16:40:14 / Rating: 600 /


My 70-year-old grandmother jumped over a high wall to save my cousin who had stupidly locked himself in his trunk.

tags: humor family [add]

2007-05-09 11:26:43 / Rating: 586.25 /


I was right: there was no specific rule against rappelling out the fourth story dorm window.

tags: humor college [add]

2007-05-09 11:23:50 / Rating: 921.5 /


I should have noticed the Adam's apple.

tags: humor transvestite [add]

2007-05-09 11:23:29 / Rating: 626.75 /


When my friend returned from Hong Kong, she brought me an eternally arm-waving plastic cat.

tags: humor travel [add]

2007-04-27 16:34:01 / Rating: 575.75 /


I've always tried to be kind to the elderly, but when the nice old man with Alzheimers started giving me another leftover brick from his new patio everyday, I admit it wore my nerves.

tags: elderly humor alzheimers manners [add]

2007-04-27 16:33:15 / Rating: 533.75 /

Just a guy

A hooker stole my best friend's dog.

tags: humor dogs pets hookers [add]

2007-04-25 15:55:20 / Rating: 758 /


The bottom of the coffee cup broke away like a Dutch dike with no little finger to slow the flow.

tags: life humor today [add]

2007-04-25 15:53:31 / Rating: 486.75 /


"Why did I want a dog?" I thought to myself as I emptied the pooper scooper.

tags: dogs humor pooper scooper pets [add]

2007-04-23 12:59:50 / Rating: 583.75 /


But then, to the horrified looks of the onlookers, the ducks flew into the pool.

tags: ducks pool humor [add]

2007-04-23 11:23:21 / Rating: 444.25 /


I looked at the rusty nail in my foot and thought, "Maybe I shouldn't play 'Blindman's Bluff' with no shoes on."

tags: childhood game humor [add]

2007-04-16 12:46:35 / Rating: 544.5 /


My dismay led to tears when my Underoos didn't transform me into He-man like the commercial said.

tags: humor childhood [add]

2007-04-16 12:46:28 / Rating: 617.75 /

truth will prevail

As I lay on the operating room table, I held my breath to watch the heart monitor slow down and then let it go to watch it speed up again.

tags: humor operating room operation hospital fun [add]

2007-04-16 12:44:59 / Rating: 904.25 /

Joe Touchole

As I bent over to pick up her pen, the sound of my pants ripping warned me that my life was about to change.

tags: humor high school relationships [add]

2007-04-16 12:44:16 / Rating: 645.5 /

Sam E. Wexler

The refrigerator repairman was the first to learn that I enjoy living in the nude.

tags: humor embarassment [add]

2007-04-11 16:16:48 / Rating: 591 /


I love my cars so much I run them into other objects so I never have to share.

tags: humor selfish life happiness joy love [add]

2007-04-03 14:42:02 / Rating: 752.25 /


My mother, being enraged, screamed "You son of a bitch", to which I replied, "Yes, I am."

tags: humor irony mother son arguement [add]

2007-03-28 17:07:09 / Rating: 1050.25 /

It Burns

The regret came not when I chopped chilli for tea but much later on, when I picked my nose.

tags: humor burn food nose ouch tea regret [add]

2007-03-27 17:12:16 / Rating: 849.75 /


I whispered a short silent prayer as I hooked the antenna to my television and was suddenly blessed with immaculate reception.

tags: humor superbowl tv [add]

2007-03-19 09:45:32 / Rating: 532.5 /

Spinal Nap

After that, I vowed I would never again offer to pop a hard-to-reach zit for her.

tags: humor gross cleaning [add]

2007-03-16 13:42:16 / Rating: 467.75 /


My nine-year-old Korean taekwondo instructor used only two words of English in his lesson: "Again," and "No."

tags: humor foreign language travel teaching teacher student martial arts [add]

2007-03-16 13:41:35 / Rating: 736 /


At work today, I learned how to make a chicken out of a cloth towel, though I don't think I can re-create it.

tags: humor work chicken crafts [add]

2007-03-16 13:37:57 / Rating: 607.75 /


It occurred to me later that giving 4 gallons of milk for a Christmas gift might not be such a great idea after all.

tags: mistakes Chirstmas milk gift humor [add]

2007-03-14 17:09:11 / Rating: 575.25 /


I tried to sum up my life story into one fantastic sentence, but all I could think of was "shit happens."

tags: life story humor [add]

2007-03-14 16:03:19 / Rating: 735.25 /


I've never seen anyone look as blissed out as the tiny 3 year old whose was the perfect height to stand directly beneath the hand dryer.

tags: childhood humor childcare [add]

2007-03-14 16:03:07 / Rating: 663.25 /


And shortly after I gave her sentence a "Yay", I realized that I had broken our tie in ratings in her favor.

tags: humor meta [add]

2007-03-13 12:49:31 / Rating: 589.5 /


"We don't even have bras that size here," the saleslady announced to everyone in the store.

tags: humor embarrassment [add]

2007-03-07 09:43:17 / Rating: 611 /


As luck would have it, there was an empty Gatorade bottle in the car.

tags: driving road trip humor relief [add]

2007-02-28 15:21:11 / Rating: 1027.25 /


There was a piece of aluminum foil sitting out on the counter, so I did what anyone else would have done: I made a hat out of it.

tags: humor [add]

2007-02-23 09:16:19 / Rating: 667 /


I had been drifting through a haze of various drugs and forgettable experiences, until one day I woke up and couldn't remember who I was before college.

tags: college drugs humor dark [add]

2007-02-14 10:38:43 / Rating: 776 /


I slid under the crowded corner booth to go to the bathroom, and when I tried sliding back to my spot I started to come up between some girl's legs.

tags: humor [add]

2007-02-14 10:38:07 / Rating: 421.25 /


While trying to go to the bathroom at the movie theater, I skipped over two stalls without toilet paper and one with pee on the seat before settling on the stall that didn't lock.

tags: humor gross bathroom [add]

2007-02-05 09:50:06 / Rating: 636.25 /

Like Soy

The nudity requirement seemed like a fair way to decide who, of the party's 30+ attendees, would get to play the Wii.

tags: humor games [add]

2007-01-22 14:56:22 / Rating: 546.75 /


Asking a software engineer to fix your computer is like asking an historian what he did last night.

tags: humor analogy [add]

2007-01-22 12:39:24 / Rating: 441.75 /

Jim Ware

As she bandaged my hands I told her of my new plans for worming the cat.

tags: humor ouch cat [add]

2006-12-27 11:53:48 / Rating: 697.5 /


The stench of cow poop is forgotten while running barefoot in a dairy farm pen as a pack of cows starts running at you.

tags: cows poop humor Macbeth [add]

2006-12-21 14:44:11 / Rating: 530 /

Mimi Ghez

When I got my period at age 12, my father stood outside the bathroom door, trying to make me feel better by singing the words to a popular 1970s commercial, "You are a W - U - O - M - A - N, you are a woooman!"

tags: humor sex ed childhood parenthood [add]

2006-12-15 22:07:47 / Rating: 760 /


I was the only one not laughing as I turned and apologized for bumping into him, only afterwards realizing I had just apologized to a wooden pole.

tags: humor oops [add]

2006-12-15 15:12:08 / Rating: 602 /

The Rik

I realized, ironically, that the reason it smelled like permanent marker next to my bed, was because my fish tank sprung a leak from the bottom and soaked my video game booklets.

tags: humor video games fish leaks [add]

2006-12-05 17:15:17 / Rating: 531.75 /

long way from home

In the weeks of my stardom in Nigeria as a 5'2 white female "didn't make the cut in high school" basketball player I regained my confidence.

tags: humor irony college sports [add]

2006-12-05 12:27:53 / Rating: 640.5 /


I didn't realize until the Black History Program had already begun that it was probably a bad idea to sit with the Nazi boy.

tags: school racist bad descision oops humor [add]

2006-12-05 12:27:14 / Rating: 680.25 /

MIA Robin

Just as my boss began to speak at the company Christmas dinner, she simultaneously sneezed and farted, stopping every fork in midair.

tags: humor work boss [add]

2006-12-05 09:39:03 / Rating: 922.5 /

The guy who ate Pacman

I was lying in bed when my stomach made a sound like Pacman dying.

tags: humor stomach noise [add]

2006-12-04 15:33:45 / Rating: 616 /


I had never heard the band before, but I got into two of their shows for free in one week, so I pretended to be a fan.

tags: concert local bands free show fake humor why not? [add]

2006-12-04 09:32:15 / Rating: 530.5 /


My cousin won a pig in a contest and on the day it vanished mysteriously, my grandama served us my favorite pork dish for lunch.

tags: humor childhood [add]

2006-12-01 18:22:20 / Rating: 503.75 /


I was humble until the day I realized I was humble.

tags: humor lessons character humility soul life [add]

2006-11-30 12:42:52 / Rating: 687 /

Baron Raymundo

To this very day my kid brother still won't touch anything if I tell him it tastes like chocolate.

tags: humor siblings childhood food gross [add]

2006-11-29 15:16:20 / Rating: 774 /

Stevie Gee

And that was the last time I ever presumed that a woman was pregnant and asked "When are you due?"

tags: humor fat chicks faux pas oops [add]

2006-11-29 14:27:20 / Rating: 599 /


No one in the crowded pub told me I had toilet paper trailing behind me until I reached the bar.

tags: humor embarrassment [add]

2006-11-29 09:26:02 / Rating: 511 /

Kate O

My day had been terrible, but just as I thought it couldn't have gotten any worse, he, in an act of pure thoughtfulness, brought me a Pepsi to replace the one that had exploded in my backpack.

tags: kindness humor [add]

2006-11-28 10:02:33 / Rating: 494 /


After recess in Pre-K, I hid behind a big tree so I wouldn't have to go back to class.

tags: childhood school recess humor avoidance [add]

2006-11-21 15:24:16 / Rating: 701.75 /


After being duped into thinking a hot girl actually was interested in me, that hooker stole my weed.

tags: vegas humor drugs prostitution lust disappointment [add]

2006-11-16 09:44:16 / Rating: 784 /

Kate O

When my father heard the loud hissing noise coming from the whole train, he realized that no, that was NOT the door handle.

tags: emergency brake train humor mistake [add]

2006-11-16 09:43:48 / Rating: 604.75 /


When I was 5, I was in love with a kid who thought he was Spiderman.

tags: humor childhood love [add]

2006-11-13 14:19:38 / Rating: 660.75 /

Johnny Panic

I never figured out that she was your sister until the family reunion twenty years later.

tags: bawdy humor Freudian incest sex [add]

2006-11-09 09:59:11 / Rating: 688.5 /


I don't eat meat, because my mother's friend ate our pet cow.

tags: humor food vegetarian [add]

2006-11-08 13:09:18 / Rating: 583 /


When we were eleven he was grossed out when I accidentally took a drink from his glass, but by the time we were sixteen he actually wanted to swap spit with me.

tags: humor kissing irony childhood [add]

2006-11-01 16:20:27 / Rating: 761 /


I stared at the bucket of stale cheese puffs in disbelief and thought, "I can't believe I paid 9 bucks to eat at this lousy Chinese buffet!"

tags: regret food buffet humor [add]

2006-11-01 16:17:48 / Rating: 615.25 /


I would have caught that deep spiral if it wasn't for that pesky brick wall.

tags: football ouch humor [add]

2006-10-31 14:07:59 / Rating: 578.25 /


Well, I thought as I hit the floor in a daze, this is the last time I'll ever eat at *this* sushi bar.

tags: humor food sick food poisoning [add]

2006-10-30 15:01:48 / Rating: 682.5 /


My parents thought I was disturbed when I went as a serial killer one year, but it was time the Trix Rabbit learned that no means no.

tags: halloween humor childhood tragedy [add]

2006-10-30 00:20:23 / Rating: 729.25 /


Using my $40 lightsaber, I fought with the mini-Darth Maul using my Sith-like mind tricks, and I won his bag of candy.

tags: halloween humor victory darth maul lightsaber candy [add]

2006-10-25 11:03:15 / Rating: 661.25 /

The Black Cat

I tried to humor my family because I was so small and crawled into the highchair at the restaurant - and it was funny until they had to unscrew it to get me out of there.

tags: humor childhood [add]

2006-10-24 10:25:28 / Rating: 508.5 /


I once asked a girl where her DNA came from -- meaning Irish, Italian, etc. -- and she said from her parents.

tags: humor [add]

2006-10-24 09:20:35 / Rating: 396.75 /


My dad once told me, "Don't keep the Preparation H too close to the toothpaste," then, after a moment, I realized that he was serious.

tags: humor bathroom dad [add]

2006-10-22 20:30:18 / Rating: 676 /


Two stitches and twenty years later, I still don't know why she threw the rock at me, but I'm pretty sure that she was lying when she said, "I was playing hopscotch and missed."

tags: humor childhood rock injury hopscotch ouch [add]

2006-10-18 14:28:22 / Rating: 764 /


I grabbed my brothers leg from underneath an adjacent toilet cubicle in a foodcourt and he ran out screaming.

tags: humor childhood brothers [add]

2006-10-18 14:27:10 / Rating: 695.75 /


I only joined the climbing club because I wanted a reason to talk to her, but really I'm scared of heights.

tags: humor relationships love climbing [add]

2006-10-16 12:56:02 / Rating: 713.75 /

you know who i am

My sister once caught me looking at her chest.

tags: humor childhood family oops [add]

2006-10-16 12:54:36 / Rating: 705.25 /


When nobody's watching, i love to pull the hairs out of my nose.

tags: humor nose yoink [add]

2006-10-16 00:06:53 / Rating: 448 /


I hadn't yet dressed as I poured the boiling water over the coffee filter tilting precariously over the rim of a broken pot.

tags: humor mistake ouch [add]

2006-10-11 14:19:21 / Rating: 521.25 /


As I stare at my 20.5 rating, I wonder about the policy on giving a "Yay!" to your own story.

tags: humor meta story yay [add]

2006-10-11 11:36:29 / Rating: 773 /


My friend recently admitted that he until recently believed that cars were propelled forward by their own exhaust.

tags: humor misconception [add]

2006-10-11 11:15:57 / Rating: 584 /


He would complain that I wasn't feminine enough, but he left me for a dude.

tags: irony humor breakup [add]

2006-10-09 14:20:01 / Rating: 803.5 /


My best friend thought it would be perfectly fine to save time by applying sunscreen while waiting for the shower to free up because the sunscreen was waterproof.

tags: sunscreen humor [add]

2006-10-09 13:45:29 / Rating: 394 /


She embraced me with the warmth of her skin, the wine on her breath and the smile on her lips and I felt absolutely nothing.

tags: relationship humor tragedy nothing beginning of the end memory regret [add]

2006-10-05 10:56:08 / Rating: 722.25 /


I shaved my mutton chops away today today, but now I feel like a sheep.

tags: facial hair humor conformity sheep [add]

2006-10-03 15:52:30 / Rating: 456 /

call me dave

It was the first movie I went to see but never saw, heard but never listened to and came out smiling without knowing the ending.

tags: love movie movies humor [add]

2006-10-02 18:45:41 / Rating: 747.5 /

joey papoey

After several minutes of poking and prodding, the dentist put down his tools, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Sorry I need to get back to my wife."

tags: dentist humor [add]

2006-10-01 12:10:59 / Rating: 474 /

John Johnny

Once I went to a store and bought something while it was being robbed and didn't realize it until that night.

tags: humor robbery [add]

2006-09-30 11:41:12 / Rating: 476.5 /


My parents grounded me while I was in college, three hours from home.

tags: school parents humor [add]

2006-09-28 09:59:00 / Rating: 772.75 /


I called him on his mobile phone to tell him I'd found his mobile phone

tags: humor phone lost and found [add]

2006-09-28 09:57:29 / Rating: 612.25 /


When I told my husband of 17 years that I didn't think he knew me and I wanted a divorce, he asked me "Are you a lesbian?"

tags: divorce humor marriage [add]

2006-09-27 23:19:16 / Rating: 590 /


I have begun walking down the street along side good looking strangers in the hope that other strangers will think I have good looking friends.

tags: humor friends loneliness [add]

2006-09-27 23:18:16 / Rating: 700.75 /


I finished the exam with half an hour to spare, so I thought I'd cheer up the examination marker by drawing bad things happening to cats in the margins of my essay.

tags: humor exam high school [add]

2006-09-25 19:34:00 / Rating: 601.75 /


When we asked our mom to tell us a story, she replied "A pig fell in the mud."

tags: childhood humor pigs mud [add]

2006-09-23 21:03:17 / Rating: 693.5 /


"For you? Really?" the man in the pharmacy said, surprised, when I asked him to pass me a pregnancy test.

tags: humour humor pregnancy pharmacy chemist test surprise [add]

2006-09-23 12:01:40 / Rating: 1498.25 /


So I hopped one legged around the room screaming until the slug fell of the bottom of my foot.

tags: humor slug [add]

2006-09-22 18:47:08 / Rating: 458.5 /

you know who i am

My mother called me to do a chore and i responded, "What you need, Woman," to which my father chided, "Your mother is NOT a woman!"

tags: humor irony [add]

2006-09-16 09:27:04 / Rating: 2869 /


I looked into the sun trying to sneeze which she must have taken for a smile and smiled back.

tags: humor sun sneeze [add]

2006-09-14 20:19:58 / Rating: 578.75 /


Arriving home after sitting in traffic for two hours, I said to myself, "Oh, wait, I don't live here anymore."

tags: traffic home hours live oops humor [add]

2006-09-14 20:18:39 / Rating: 3059 /


They played hair dye roulette, switching the colors between random boxes.

tags: humor pranks [add]

2006-09-14 15:07:07 / Rating: 561.25 /


One-time I got in trouble in Religious studies for saying the word "vagina," but talked my way out of it by convincing them I had said "Virgin Mary".

tags: humor religion sex school [add]

2006-09-11 23:22:49 / Rating: 1087.25 /


After the security guard yelled at me to get back to my own stretcher and stop making out with my boyfriend, he asks my boyfriend "Do you know him?"

tags: humor [add]

2006-09-11 14:03:17 / Rating: 444.5 /


Then, after hearing about faecal aerosols, I never flushed with the lid up.

tags: humor poop [add]

2006-09-11 14:03:15 / Rating: 503.25 /

proletariat film

As the lithuanian midget, that was only known to me as Betrinka, flipped the homemade Madonna tape in her transistor radio, I realized fully that asking for "a little fun" in Prague meant something wholy different then in the United States.

tags: humor sex prostitution midgets madonna [add]

2006-09-09 20:39:41 / Rating: 746.25 /


I can run about as fast as my dog when I'm barefoot and his leash is attached to a fifteen-pound plastic chair.

tags: humor dog [add]

2006-09-08 11:03:55 / Rating: 1059.5 /


When I was eight or nine years old, I had a dream that I was riding my bike in the driveway and my dad backed the car into me, but instead of hurting me, it crushed the rear end of the car.

tags: childhood dreams bicycle humor [add]

2006-09-05 07:43:37 / Rating: 712 /

Old Grey

When I asked Matt to find out what they were using, he returned and answered, mostly fishing poles.

tags: humor fishing camping [add]

2006-09-05 07:43:09 / Rating: 516.5 /

Johnny Sorrow

When I said to her "do with me what you will," I didn't think she'd go so far.

tags: love loss sex humor [add]

2006-09-04 23:01:49 / Rating: 948.5 /

Brian Hurley

I was at a WSU Cougar football game when a 2 inch month flew into my ear canal.

tags: humor wsu cougars moth ouch [add]

2006-09-04 23:01:13 / Rating: 555.25 /

Doug Weston II

The mysterious animal hissing under the towel turned out to be a can of Right Guard.

tags: humor mistaken identity [add]

2006-09-01 08:40:12 / Rating: 883.75 /


After twenty minutes of trying to order a p-p-p-pint of larger from the bar with a drunken stammer, I gave in and requested two half's in the same glass!

tags: humor bar pint stammer drunk [add]

2006-08-31 16:17:23 / Rating: 674.75 /


It was the fifth stationary object I'd accidentaly hit with the company car, I was glad that I didn't own my own vehicle and that living breathing things tended to move about.

tags: work driving humor [add]

2006-08-23 20:36:30 / Rating: 707 /


I sat amongst my excited friends and as the close-up of my eyes filled the cinema screen I discovered I'd been cast as the child-abuser.

tags: cinema humor [add]

2006-08-23 20:36:18 / Rating: 423.75 /


Things went from bad to worse when we realized all the papers were stuck together from the incessant rain.

tags: festival smoking humor rain [add]

2006-08-23 20:36:08 / Rating: 544 /


I fell down a flight of stairs, got up, stumbled across the landing, and then fell down a second flight of stairs.

tags: stairs fell falling landing clumsy trip tripped fall stairwell staircase humor [add]

2006-08-19 22:37:39 / Rating: 860 /

Erik Wennstrom

It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion.

tags: school test humor sleep alarm clock oversleeping [add]

2006-08-18 12:28:33 / Rating: 3076 /


I was nearly sent to the hospital because I could not convince the school nurse that my head had always been this shape.

tags: childhood nurse school humor [add]

2006-08-18 12:27:29 / Rating: 2472.5 /


The idea of letting your children choose their own path in life is thrown out the window when your three-year-old declares they are going to be either a doctor or a Walmart cashier when they grow up.

tags: children humor careers [add]

2006-08-17 21:22:34 / Rating: 749.5 /


It's hard not to be self conscious about your ever growing pregnant belly when a stranger's child asks their mother if "that lady is having twins."

tags: pregnancy humor [add]

2006-08-17 21:22:32 / Rating: 485.5 /


A new mother's confidence about her body is shattered when a young child asks if she's still pregnant.

tags: pregnancy humor body weight [add]

2006-08-17 20:36:15 / Rating: 572.5 /


I realized the plan to sneak a second holiday in Spain was not going to work unless I only went out at night and returned to work after my "illness" without a tan.

tags: holiday work humor [add]

2006-08-17 19:57:32 / Rating: 620.5 /

Erik Wennstrom

After several minutes of poking and prodding, the dentist put down his tools, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You're going to be putting my daughter through college."

tags: humor dentist [add]

2006-08-17 17:31:28 / Rating: 761 /


The user complained that the space bar would not work and wanted a new keyboard, so I picked up her keyboard, tapped it several times on the back until a sufficient pile of biscuit crumbs had landed on the table, then set down her keyboard and walked away.

tags: technology humor helpdesk crumbs keyboard [add]

2006-08-12 03:30:40 / Rating: 674.5 /


He wandered off to get a glass of water, and decided that nothing, not even the wall he tried to walk through, mattered until he did.

tags: humor ouch [add]

2006-08-11 09:33:10 / Rating: 486.75 /


After two years, I finally realized that veal is not made from baby cats.

tags: veal cat humor food [add]

2006-08-10 16:25:20 / Rating: 703.25 /


One time, when I was young, I thought I was The Rhino (of Spiderman fame) and put my head through the glass part of our screen door.

tags: childhood humor ouch [add]

2006-08-10 12:38:29 / Rating: 614.75 /


I once ran the sound for a touring mime company.

tags: humor college mimes irony [add]

2006-08-10 01:45:23 / Rating: 862.25 /

Dave Walls

In college, I was in a morning class with 500 other students in a lecture hall, only to fall asleep and wake up about 5 hours later in the middle of another class.

tags: embarrassing college sleep humor [add]

2006-07-17 17:54:32 / Rating: 1102.75 /

Dave Walls

I vowed today not to laugh at someone's funny name while working, then I was introduced to a older woman named "Gay Usher".

tags: work humor funny names [add]

2006-07-17 17:50:32 / Rating: 816.5 /


I went all the way to New York City, and all I got was a stupid pencil.

tags: humor travel [add]

2006-06-29 20:56:52 / Rating: 508.75 /


One time I tore a dollar in half to buy a 50 cent popsicle.

tags: childhood humor popsicle [add]

2006-06-28 13:04:45 / Rating: 709.5 /


I wore plaid pants to school once in second grade and totally shouldn't have.

tags: humor clothes childhood school embarrassing [add]

2006-06-28 12:41:06 / Rating: 760.5 /


One summer vacation, I walked down the pier at Lake Geneva and accidentally fell into the water.

tags: oops humor vacation childhood [add]

2006-06-27 17:30:42 / Rating: 623.75 /