Janet's corpulent daughter
Enclosed in the card admonishing me to watch what I eat, was a 33-cents-off coupon for a tube of refrigerated cookie dough.
Enclosed in the card admonishing me to watch what I eat, was a 33-cents-off coupon for a tube of refrigerated cookie dough.
One day when I was four years old I started screaming and crying at the Dippin Dots stand because my mom told me I couldn't get any, so the guy just gave me some for free.
I found it incredibly ironic that a few hours after I euthanized my beloved goldfish I received an e-mail congratulating me on my acceptance to veterinary school.
The irony has never been lost on me that my genetic disease which causes depression also keeps the scars that cover my arms from ever disappearing.
I've spent 20 years being worried about how much taller I was than all the boys, and in 7 minutes I fell in love with a boy in a wheelchair.
I never believed those stories about young girls meeting up with old creeps who had claimed to be someone else until I met up with my principal.
Walking into my room, a pregnancy test baring a faint pink double line stuffed in the pocket of my robe, I noticed my mother had placed my mail on my bed, including a letter from the university to which I had applied.
I married and divorced my high school sweetheart and a crazy Colombian before finding my soulmate.
Roller coasters are my biggest fear, which is ironic considering the nature of my disease.
The metro security guard was too busy to look at the x-ray of my bag because he was cleaning his nails with a butcher knife.
His strict, Catholic, pure-minded mother caught us having sex on the pool table.
UPS called to notify me that the chains for my tires to get me through the ice storm would not be delivered yet due to adverse weather conditions.
Half of my family got me food while the other half paid for the dentist to make sure I couldn't eat any of it.
The man who sexually assaulted me last year and made me into the broken mess I am today just friend requested me on Facebook.
When I was a teen I wished that I would get hit on a lot, but now that I'm in my late twenties I wish I could go to the grocery store or pump gas without getting hit on.
He insisted I wasn't slutty even as we lay panting and naked in the backseat of his car.
An hour after my father told me he'd need a double lung transplant, my mother gave me money in the hospital parking lot and asked me to buy her cigarettes.
Shortly after telling us we needed to lose weight, my grandma was offended that we didn't want all three desserts she had prepared.
I once gave a report for my writing class in which I explained how Alanis Morrissette's song Ironic used Irony incorrectly as a way of explaining irony, which I thought was in itself ironic.
I was writing a poem about death when my health class learned that writing poetry about death is a sign of someone being suicidal.
The same day i hear my therapist say "fuck" for the first time, I learn her cat's name is Sparkles.
After surfing dozens of porn sites and downloading thousands of songs illegally, I finally got a virus on my laptop from a website containing quotes from the Bible.
My brother cried and quoted a Barbara Streisand song the day he called to tell me he'd accepted my sexuality.
Finding myself beside the homeless man to whom I had said "No cash, sorry" three times that day, I sat with a book and lemonade in a cash-only cafe.
It's hilarious to hear my father tell me he wasn't being a racist when he was berating me for "dating a filthy Filipina."
My Mum, Dad and twin sister were killed in a plane crash, but if they hadn't been, I would never have met my brother.
My mother refuses to let us bake things very often because "then you're just going to eat them."
His family watched in morbid silence while seven perplexed fiancees wept by his graveside.
Performing a hysterectomy while I was experiencing the worst cramps I'd ever had was hilariously ironic, but I couldn't bring myself to explain to my all male surgical team why I was laughing.
Missed the email in 2002 from my childhood friend that I thought probably died from crack, but in 2009 I read his email and found him online, alive and a proud grandparent.
My sister completely skipped her birthday to die the next day on mine.
Coincidentally I met the next man I would love on the same night the last man I loved cheated on me.
When he mockingly calls me a kid I mockingly call him a pedophile, but we're both right.
After noticing that I alone filled up a whole dumpster in a week, I realized my carbon footprint was the equivalent of Sasquatch.
Organizational Assembly had been unwittingly shortened to OrgAsm on my transcript which also stated that my performance in it had been perfect.
I found it oddly appropriate that the night I couldn't get the temporary heart tattoo off my forearm was the night you broke my heart.
My dad stopped complaining about my bad grades when I won $100 for a short story I wrote out of boredom during math class.
We thought we were being so sneaky with our teenage sex rendevous, until we walked up the stairs to his room and heard his dad say, "Better make it a quickie guys."
The other mothers on the playground don't like me, even though they have no idea I'm the girl who gives their husbands $20 lap dances.
It was only after I voted "no" on an unapproved entry that I realized it was one of my own.
The $1 store swiss rolls I bought to console myself were better than all the expensive chocolates I received when we were together.
I found out today from my neurologist that my heavy marijuana smoking actually improved my brain-wave activity and functionality and my IQ rose 20 points, so I smoked a joint in celebration and finished my calculus homework.
The day I lost my virginity was the day my Virgin Mobile cell phone broke.
I applied at vegetarian restaurants, organic food markets, and a bank but the only job I got was at the hunting store.
I am nearly 21 and the entirety of my relationship experiences involve being asked out by a mentally challenged kid, a guy who after one date, called six times a day for a week and a half, a 50 year old illegal alien, and the son of the 50 year old illegal alien.
As my knife found his flesh, I never would have guessed that my would be rapist would later sue me for his medical bills.
"I would run away with you tomorrow if I weren't dating your best friend," he said while we were having sex on my best friend's bed.
The young man standing nearest the casket was dressed exactly the same to his identical twin brother, who was lying in it.
I realized my family's odd list of priorities when, while standing in the kitchen under the leaking roof, my father informed me he needed a ride to the Porsche dealer to pick up his new car.
"Have you considered becoming a therapist?" asked my therapist.
It was at "Disney on Ice" when my Dad told me Walt Disney was a Nazi.
I only realized how strange my life was when I received a full scholarship for having a father in prison for murder.
My wedding began after his ex-girlfriend was removed from the church and ended after I lit my veil on fire with the Unity candle.
I once played DanceDanceRevolution for 4 hours straight then jumped off a balcony into a pool, only to almost drown because the muscles in both my legs stopped working the moment I hit the water.
My teacher told me my excuse was more bogus than a story she had read on One Sentence, which happened to be the truest thing I had ever written.
I laughed out loud in class at the severe irony when he pronounced it "foo pah."
Every time I think of September 11th, I remember how he tried to convince me to lose my virginity "on a day I would never forget."
Having a panic attack on my school's "Mental Health Awareness Day" is just a little more ironic than I prefer.
It was two in the morning and I had the number for the suicide hotline in my hands before I decided that they no doubt had better things to do.
I'm selling my old mattress to a guy I had a one-night stand with.
The day I was ready to tell him "Yes" was the day he came in holding my best friend's hand.
Running into my uptight, conservative boss at a gay bar was both the most embarrassing and the most gratifying experience of my life.
He came out to me five seconds before I came out to him and the last three years of silence suddenly seemed so wasteful.
It was only after my mom drew her last breath that it occurred to me to ask her how I was going to get through this without her.
I deserved the false positive of the pregnancy test for leaving it in my car for two weeks in the Florida sun.
I walked out of the drug store with a "Congratulations on your new baby" card, a month's worth of birth control pills, and a coupon for personal hygene wipes wondering what the cashier must be thinking.
The irony that I had taken a day off from my job collecting horse urine to go to the doctors and have to provide a urine sample did not escape me at all.
It was only appropriate that the one day that I, the most gullible student in the fourth grade at the time, did not believe a ridiculous story that someone told me was that day in September when the world changed forever.
Reading through the unapproved sentences yesterday, I was impressed with the emotional intensity and similarity I had with one of them, until I realized it was one of my own.
The broken car window was only made more annoying by the fact that they hadn't actually stolen anything.
I blew out my knee making love to my fiance a week before I had to go to the recruiters office.
I'm the high school dropout with purple hair, yet I'm the only one out of my group of friends with a job.
1 hour and 45 minutes, a talkative bald man, a crack-head with a faxing issue, and 13 color copies later, I am still hours away from ready for tomorrow.
When I wrenched my back unpacking the massage table, her anniversary gift suddenly became "ours."
I went to the emergency room and was diagnosed with a headache.
As soon as he said "Be careful," I fell down the stairs, breaking both the typewriter and my finger.
When I finally got to see my only son again after 30 years apart, he nonchalantly said: "You know, it's great to meet you, but I already have a dad."
As I put away my birth certificate that was returned with my new passport, I found the passport I thought I lost.
I realized what irony was when I reached for my box of birth control hidden in a baby's onesie.
My co-worker, who is named Patience, is the most stressed out person I know.
When my Catholic grandmother watches America's Funniest Home Videos she laughs hardest when a man is hit in the groin and that makes me laugh harder.
She thought I was looking at myself in the mirror, but I was actually flirting with another girl from across the room whose ass and eyes I caught in the reflection.
My rapist went to jail and was released early for "good behavior.".
She meant it as a joke when she saw our downcast faces and asked "Who died?", but she didn't expect me to answer.
As I struggled with my human anatomy studies, I realized that I now knew the most effective way to slit my wrists.
I left my ex-wife for her and then later she left me for my ex-wife.
In the month since I've started my new job I've been paid more then I ever have in my life but have yet to be given anything to work on.
I am a 25-year-old journalist who graduated high school with honors, is finishing up my English degree and I can't spell the word calander.
I was a row behind her at his wake, two at his funeral, and across the table at the dinner but I never told her I slept with him while they were dating.
As they sit and think they are better, I take away their food and never have felt smarter.
I had been crying for hours, so I felt a little silly when the moment he told me he was on his way right over, I stopped.
She had no idea that when she sarcastically said "I know I'm going to die," about getting her wisdom teeth pulled that she actually would.
The only thing that is orginized in my life is my pill box.
When security arrived, I was bloody, shaking, bruised and crying and they asked me, "Are you okay?"
World of Warcraft led to the end of our relationship, but has now become a healthy part of it.
I used to have nightmares that he would leave me, but now they are fantasies.
I came out at BYU because I couldn't not go to bed with her and then she left me eight years later for our therapist.
How fitting it was that my best friend's abusive husband died a painful death from melanoma of the rectum.
And so, seven hours before going to VietNam, I went to jail instead for smoking weed grown from seed smuggled back from VietNam.
It was only after the sleepover with whipped cream and pillow fights and her boyfriend on speaker phone that I found out she had lost her virginity to him an hour earlier.
After hearing for the umpteenth time how important it is to live in the now, I begin to wonder why I am spending my "now" studying for the AP Psychology exam, and furthermore, why I am submitting this to One Sentence.
My mother, being enraged, screamed "You son of a bitch", to which I replied, "Yes, I am."
I was 16 when I learned my parents weren't immortal.
I pressed the panic button and when 5 fully armed policemen arrived with the security company, I was even more afraid.
It is the definition of irony that you confess to me now, here in the broom closet, when I know that my breath reeks something fierce.
In the weeks of my stardom in Nigeria as a 5'2 white female "didn't make the cut in high school" basketball player I regained my confidence.
In my psychology course, we're talking about sleep deprivation and its negative effects on the body, and yet my workload in that class causes me to pull an all-nighter at least once a week.
People used to shun me for my freakishness, now they love me because of it.
It wasn't until the next day that they found out they had both called me at the same time and that, if they hadn't, none of us would have been alive to realize it.
It was during a philosophy class, sitting bored and staring at the wall, that I wondered 'Why the hell am I here?'.
When we were eleven he was grossed out when I accidentally took a drink from his glass, but by the time we were sixteen he actually wanted to swap spit with me.
I tormented her while she lived but she died and I'm the one left in turmoil.
He said he loved me, but left me for another girl, only to try and win me back again.
He would complain that I wasn't feminine enough, but he left me for a dude.
My mother called me to do a chore and i responded, "What you need, Woman," to which my father chided, "Your mother is NOT a woman!"
Recently I realized that I waste my life on the internet ... and published this insight in a blog.
He longed for me for four years in high school and then forgot; I avoided him for four years in high school and then obsessed for ten about what could have been.
I married my husband on our first date, but it has taken me more than 5 years to decide what colour to paint our dining room.
On my tour of Kyoto I dislocated my thumb by falling down some slippery stone steps as I was exiting a shrine where I prayed for good health and good luck for the remainder of my trip (no pun intended).