Not My Morning
Stepping in dog pee while wearing white socks was not how I wanted to start my morning.
Stepping in dog pee while wearing white socks was not how I wanted to start my morning.
My mother cooked our Thanksgiving dinner on the kitchen counter that I sat on butt-naked, last night, as my tea brewed.
It wasn't until she pulled out her homework that I realized that we were not actually on a date.
The funny looks from my wife and the lack of morning traffic on the way to work should have clued me in, but it wasn't until I saw the empty parking out that I realized it was Saturday.
It was only after I had sent a text where I described Haley as being a slutty version of the anti-christ that I realized I had sent it to her and not her ex-boyfriend.
That was when I found out that if a bride is having trouble fitting into her wedding dress, you shouldn't casually mention that you've dropped a pants size in the last month without trying.
Fast-drying nail varnish doesn't seem like such a great idea when it's splattered all over the leather sofa.
I prayed that when she returned from the ladies room she'd be too drunk to notice that I had abandoned not only her, but also her purse.
It was up to the police officers on the scene to explain to my nephew that an arrow shot in the air as a tribute to Longfellow does come back down to earth.
My neighbor just casually returned two pairs of panties that I'd left in the shared washing machine.
I am fairly certain I accidentally flashed my high school principal and her dinner party while taking a shower
Having mistaken the Ben Gay for the KY is a error my wife has never let me forget.
When I told the obnoxious girl next to me to "shut the fuck up," I had no idea that she was both mentally handicapped and the principal's daughter.
As I felt the skin of my upper thigh tug as I tried to pull the small bottle of superglue out of my right pocket, I realized something must have gone horribly wrong.
I soon discovered that thinking, "Don't puke, don't puke" does not prevent one from puking in the middle of a final exam in front of 400 people.
One can only wonder how plausible the words "I'm still a virgin" could possibly have sounded after her little brother told their mother that he heard the bed squeaking rhythmically.
While it was comforting to hear the cop's reassurances that he personally did not believe we were pedophiles, it really didn't do much to help the situation.
I was trying to call my brother long distance but dialed 911 by accident, when they showed up and realised my mistake, the police officer paged "to cancel the other unit."
After the handcuffs were removed and I got all the asphalt out of my teeth, I learned the startled reaction of the police officers was due to the fact that I had been reported as a dead body on the side of the road.
Every time a college sends me a package for my outstanding scores I laugh because I horribly misspelled my own name.
Announcing "I am loose" in a hostel gave me a lot of unwanted attention but no directions to the rail station.
When he said, "Hey, beautiful," I thought he was talking to me, until I saw the Bluetooth in his ear.
She saw the horror in his eyes as the dentist realized he had just cemented both his thumbs to her lower bridgework.
"But I AM a girl," I told the librarian as she shooed me out of the restroom.
In one day I had convinced my grandfather I was old enough to drive his riding mower and ran over the new slide with the riding mower.
I took a huge bite of rice pudding only to realize that it was actually tartar sauce.
You know you are too much of a people-pleaser when you, a straight girl, hook up with a lesbian who is into you and pretend to really like it so you don't hurt her feelings.
I discovered in front of the entire store that gourmet dog biscuits look like, but do not taste like, people cookies.
I accidentally bought by boyfriend a hooker in Thailand when all I meant to purchase for him was a massage.
It probably didn't help when I laughed at the officer for saying, "It's not so much that you were speeding as it is that you're doing it in stolen car."
As the vomit crawled up my throat I suddenly realized I was holding the barf bag upside down.
When I was four, I ran my dads car into a brick wall in a supermarket parking lot.
Yesterday I walked naked into my bathroom, looked up through the skylight, and discovered that there was a construction worker on my roof.
We thought my dog had a tick and tried "smoking it out" with a hot match only to discover it was her nipple.
No matter how many times I closed my eyes and wished, the two bright pink lines refused to merge into one.
When the doorbell rang at four o'clock in the morning, I knew the cop had seen my license plate.
When I giggled at a particularly witty sentence, my professor realized I was not listening to his lecture on solid rocket boosters.
As I was washing my hands I noticed the lack of urinals along the wall and realized I had made this mistake twice in the same day.
I turned my back to a car and picked my wedgie so no one would see, but it turned out there were 2 passengers in the car.
I forget which was funnier: the joke my friend told at lunch, or the milk that I shot out of my nose.
As I put away my birth certificate that was returned with my new passport, I found the passport I thought I lost.
I seem to be the only person that actually didn't go to school on what I thought was a senior cut day.
After having to reach into the toilet more than once to retrieve my school ID, you would think I would have learned not to tuck it into my pajama pants
Packing to go back to school, I can't remember where I hid my handcuffs.
Now I really have to work out this year because I accidentally dried my jeans on hot.
After I insisted he finish the leftover tomato soup that "tasted funny," I remembered I ate the rest of soup for lunch yesterday.
I was so entranced by the flashing purple light in front of me that I didn't notice the flashing blue and red ones behind me for over five minutes.
Now that I think about it... the basement fuse panel is a much shorter trip than the ER was.
"Kill myself" and "Kill it myself" have very different meanings and the typo earned me 30 hours of group therapy.
I turned the stove on to boil some water and four hours later I found the teapot melted to the burner.
I accidentally brewed my tea for two hours, yet it still tastes OK.
I sat in the last row of the crowded plane, realizing I had gotten on the wrong flight.
Today, a lady called my manager and referred to me and the other host as "incompetent idiots."
The guinea pig's name was Kaytee until I caught him cleaning his organ one day.
By the look on her face, I knew that I had just told my Arabic teacher that she was tasty.
I should have been watching the intersection instead of the light.
As the screened-in porch filled up with smoke, I realized my decision to grill was a bad idea.
He was standing in my kitchen when I stepped out of the shower and before thinking I shouted, "I'm always wet when I see you!"
The job interview was really over when I complimented her speech impediment as a "sexy little accent."
Five years and a college degree later, I've discovered that a "risk" is essentially defined by the possibility of failure.
I hate that feeling you have when you step out of the shower and realize you forgot to grab a towel.
I was thoroughly disappointed when I realized that Ms. Schiefericke, whom I had thought to be the young, beautiful, blonde woman I saw standing in the hall outside of her precalculus class, was actually a 70-year-old English teacher.
It wasn't until two days later that I realized I had not answered the question posed by the essay portion of the final exam.
Only later did I realize that the taxi driver wasn't making an obscene gesture, but rather, trying to inform me that I had left a box of takeout on the roof of my car.
I was the only one not laughing as I turned and apologized for bumping into him, only afterwards realizing I had just apologized to a wooden pole.
I didn't realize until the Black History Program had already begun that it was probably a bad idea to sit with the Nazi boy.
And that was the last time I ever presumed that a woman was pregnant and asked "When are you due?"
I didn't realize I had forgotten to take the pump out of my tank until I drove away.
Nothing spells dismay as much as realizing at 80 miles an hour that your tire has come off.
My sister once caught me looking at her chest.
It was wrong when I fell in love with my sexy cousin, but it was gross when I found out she was actually my sister.
Arriving home after sitting in traffic for two hours, I said to myself, "Oh, wait, I don't live here anymore."
Just as we entered the jam-packed animal rights seminar, the elastic on my half slip failed, and it fell to the floor.
At the tender age of 5 I got my hand stuck in a candy vending machine at the local supermarket in a vain attempt to get a gumball without paying.
One time my older brother put his coat in the oven to try to dry it off, but it kinda caught on fire.
One summer vacation, I walked down the pier at Lake Geneva and accidentally fell into the water.